Agony from what had happened in the Spirit Garden echoed through me. I gave her a slow nod. The world could definitely use a little less pain. “Alright, yeah, I can see where you’re coming from but there’s no way to actually get rid of pain.”
Silence spread across the green grass as the queen and the scholar paused and looked at me with eyes full of conviction.
“Yes, there is,” Nimlithil said at last. “Do you remember when I told you that my husband was assassinated?”
I nodded.
“It was centuries ago now. We were involved in a conflict with a neighboring country. The assassin was there for me but my dear husband was the one who died. Afterwards, I was devastated.” A cloud passed over her beautiful face. “And furious. I brought my army and I wiped them out. The whole country.”
Staring at her with wide eyes, I tried to think of something suitable to say. I came up blank.
“It was only after I had laid waste to everything and razed their whole nation to the ground that I noticed all the suffering.” Tears gleamed in the queen’s eyes. “Weeping widows and orphaned children were what was left after the dust had settled. I shall forever regret the decision I made in anger the day my beloved was taken from me.”
Niadhir tightened his grip around my waist.
“Afterwards, I dedicated my life to finding a way to free people from their suffering,” Queen Nimlithil continued. “Life, no matter how long or short, should be filled with love and happiness. Aldeor and I both share this philosophy. That is why he brought his proposal to me.”
Water crashed onto the rocks on my left while I waited for the queen to continue. I couldn’t help being nervous. Whatever she was about to tell me, I was pretty sure that not a lot of others knew it. And yet, a thief from Keutunan was about to learn to truth about the world.
“There is a spell,” she began. “Or a ritual, rather, that can free people from pain. You still experience all the wonderful emotions like love and happiness. All it does is block the awful emotions like grief and pain. That way, you experience life the way it was meant to be experienced. In joy.”
Frowning, I shook my head. “How is that even possible?”
“All magic comes with a price, and as you can imagine, the cost for a spell of this magnitude is quite high.”
“The price is actually the rarest currency of all,” Niadhir broke in. “Magic itself.”
“Quite right.” Queen Nimlithil motioned at the white dragon. “Aldeor draws the magic from all of dragonkind and he is the one who channels all that magic into the spell.”
My mouth dropped open. “So that’s why all the other dragons have disappeared.”
“Yes.” The star elf queen gave me a sad smile. “It is an unfortunate side effect of the spell. Since dragons are the usual conduit between magic and the rest of us, their place in this world became superfluous when they could no longer share magic with us in the same way. That is why they have all but disappeared.”
“So... they’re all dead?”
“No!” Queen Nimlithil exclaimed, aghast. “Killing all the dragons? That would have been a terrible crime. No, the other dragons have simply left for another continent. They do not need magic for their own purposes and when they could no longer share it with anyone else, they saw no reason to keep living here with us. But Aldeor assures me that they are happy in their new home.”
“Wow.” I pressed a hand to my forehead in an effort to process these mind-bending claims. “But then what happened to everyone who already had magic? People say there used to be these great mages or something.”
Nimlithil and Niadhir exchanged a glance. I shifted my weight on the soft grass while looking from one to the other.
“What?” I asked.
“Now we come to the part why we are even sharing this with you in the first place,” Niadhir said. He cleared his throat. “You see, adding more magic, in addition to the dragons’ contribution, makes it even stronger and sees to it that it can encompass more people.”
“Okay...?”
The scholar knitted his hands behind his back. “There are no more great mages because they all selflessly agreed to sacrifice their magic to feed the spell.”
Skepticism must’ve flared like a torch on my face because Niadhir pressed on before I could voice my doubt that people would just willingly give up their magic.
“I know what you are thinking,” he said. “But magic cannot be forcibly taken from someone. It can only be given freely.”
“We did not want to burden you with this,” Queen Nimlithil looked at me with a face full of compassion. “But you were hurting so much and looked desperate for a way to make up for all the pain and suffering you have caused so we simply wanted to tell you that there is hope.”
Niadhir placed a hand on my arm. “Your curse, even though it is demonic in origins, is also a form of magic. If you decide to rid yourself of the curse, you could also decide to give it to Aldeor so that he can make the spell even stronger.” His slender fingers squeezed my forearm. “If you wish, you could also complete the ritual and rid yourself of all your own pain. You do not have to carry the pain of Rain’s death any longer. Or Elaran’s death. Or any of the other deaths you have caused.”
Grief and anguish so strong I almost doubled over bubbled to life in my chest again. Was there really a way to stop all this hurt? I desperately hoped they were telling the truth because I would do just about anything to never have to experience the events of the Spirit Garden again. If I did, I was certain I would die of agony.
“Is it really true?” I moved pleading eyes between them.
“Yes.” Niadhir gave me an encouraging nod. “You can once and for all be free from your demonic curse and all the awful pain and guilt you are carrying and then you can start anew. You can make up for all the misery you have caused by giving others the option to free themselves from their pain too.”
High up, above the open ceiling, a pair of seagulls squawked. I tipped my head up to the stretch of blue sky visible there. A world free of pain and suffering. Wouldn’t that be something?
“This is why you wanted Shade and Elaran to stay,” I stated as sudden understanding clicked in place. “Even though they’re not Storm Casters.”
The queen nodded. “Shade is the General of Pernula and Elaran was the Head Ranger of Tkeideru.”
Her use of the past tense almost had me breaking into sobs again but I managed to keep it together. “You wanted them to spread the word about the spell.”
“Yes. You see, the ritual cannot be completed on someone who does not agree to it of their own free will. That is why I tried to explain to you that we do not conquer any lands. We never force anything on anyone. We simply give them the choice. But because of the misconception of our true purpose, no countries are willing to listen unless we go there ourselves.”
“But we do not conquer,” Niadhir repeated. “Every nation under Queen Nimlithil’s protection has agreed willingly to join. If Shade and Elaran had brought word to their respective countries, it would have saved us the trip.”
Pressing the heels of my hands to my temples, I tried not to become overwhelmed by the sheer magnitude of what I was suddenly involved in. I didn’t make decisions for cities and nations. I made them for me. All the politics aside, what it all really came down to was two things. Did I want to make up for all the hurt I had caused, by giving the darkness to the white dragon? And, did I want to complete the ritual so that I could never hurt like this again? After today, I already knew in which direction I was leaning but I didn’t want to rush a decision like this.
“I need to think,” I said.
“Of course,” Queen Nimlithil said. “Take all the time you need. All we wanted to do was show you that there is hope. There is a life full of love and happiness waiting for you, if you want it. So please, do not fall into despair.”
“Thanks, yeah, I’ll try.”
While the queen glided over the grass to bid Aldeor farewell, Ni
adhir led me back up the gentle slope. My mind was completely scrambled. Too many voices saying too many things were muddling up my brain so I pushed them all back. Once I was alone, I would deal with them one at a time.
Winds ruffled my hair as we stepped outside and started back towards the castle. I drew a deep breath. The information I had learned today was far too important to rush through but one question refused to be silenced. What do you want?
34.
That night, I didn’t sleep at all. Countless questions, scenarios, and explanations flitted around my brain like restless dragonflies. I threw open the window and climbed onto the windowsill. My nightgown fluttered in the jasmine-scented air as I leaned back against the frame and watched the stars glitter in the dark water.
All my previous assumptions about the star elves had been wrong. They weren’t heartless monsters laying waste to the rest of the continent. They really were trying to make the world a better place. The true villain was actually me. And other people like me, spreading violence and death everywhere.
Now, they had given me a chance to start over. To become someone else. Someone better. I could get rid of my demonic powers and get my soul back and then free myself from the terrible pain I had been carrying with me ever since I had gotten Rain killed eleven years ago. Eleven years. That was a very long time. And I wasn’t sure I could cope with another decade of those feelings combined with the even stronger agony from Elaran’s death.
Maybe it really was time to let go of everything I had ever been and become a completely new person. A person who fit in. Someone that others liked and wanted to have in their lives.
Tracing circles on the cool frosted glass, I listened to the cicadas play far below. I spent another hour staring into the night in silence before finally returning to bed when the rising sun cast its pale rays across the horizon. Tomorrow was another day. Maybe I would at last make my final decision then.
THE SMELL OF NEWLY baked bread drifted in the air. I picked up a silver fork and used it to move fresh fruit onto my plate, making room next to the still warm loaf and the slices of cheese. After weaving through the tables in the small dining room, I plopped down on the chair opposite Niadhir.
“A full plate for breakfast? I am glad to see that you have regained your appetite,” he said and gave me smile. “You barely ate anything at dinner.”
“Yeah, I had a lot on my mind.” I reached for the pitcher of water between us. When I lifted it, I noticed that it had left a ring on the white tablecloth. Not wanting to make our table for two even messier, I took care not to spill as I filled my glass. “But now I’m starving.”
“I can imagine. We gave you a lot to think about yesterday.”
Using my knife, I cut the round bread in two and placed a slice of cheese on one side. I knew that they were supposed to be eaten separately, but I liked them together. The warm airy bread and the compact salty cheese complemented each other nicely. And then of course some fresh fruit after that.
Gazing around the room we ate breakfast in every morning, I felt like I saw it for the first time. Really saw it. Couples in beautiful dresses and crisp suits were sharing the first meal of the day together while chatting pleasantly about the day’s coming events.
“Are you meeting your sewing circle today?” a star elf in a white suit asked by the table to my right.
“Yes, dear,” a beautiful elf in a silver dress replied. “You know we meet every day. But we also have a tailor coming to show us the new dresses for the banquet.”
“Oh, that’s right!” He patted her on the hand. “What an exciting addition to the day.”
I let my eyes drift over the other couples having similar conversations. This was what my life would be like. Safe. Comfortable. A peaceful and calm existence with a set routine and no more surprise blackmails and fights. I would never again think about Rain and Elaran and feel the pain of grief. Clarity and certainty like nothing I had ever felt before pushed through all the hurt and pain and everything I had gone through. What do you want? I finally knew the answer to that question.
“I wanna do the ritual,” I declared. “Both of them, actually. Getting rid of the darkness and giving it to Aldeor and then also getting rid of the pain.”
An excited smile tempered by cautiousness spread across Niadhir’s face. “Are you quite sure? There is no rush.”
“I’m sure.” I gave him a firm nod. “I don’t think I’ve ever been this sure about anything in my whole life.”
It’s funny, you’d think that making a huge life decision like this would require some sort of dramatic setting. Like, standing atop sharp cliffs gazing towards the horizon and listening to the powerful waves crash against the rocks. Not sitting at the breakfast table eating a piece of cheese. But I’ve often found that it’s the small things, the everyday things, that turn out to be the most important in the end.
“I am so glad to hear that.” He reached out and squeezed my hand. “We have such a wonderful life ahead of us. A life in the light.” Another giddy smile quirked his lips. “When would you like to perform the first ritual? Right before the banquet this week?” He tapped a slender finger to his lips. “Or perhaps something more significant. The ball the week after?”
I scrunched up my eyebrows and chewed the inside of my cheek. “What about the full moon?”
“Yes, yes.” He nodded. “It is only a few weeks away and it is a day of great symbolism. Starting a new life in the light when the moon is at its brightest. Yes. I shall inform Queen Nimlithil at once.”
Plates and utensils clinked as Niadhir shot up from his chair in a burst of excitement. I reached out to steady the swaying glasses before standing up as well. He held out his arm with the enthusiasm of a schoolboy and then proceeded to lead me out the room on feet that practically skipped. Smiles followed us from the other tables.
“Would you like to remain in the library with your embroidery while I inform Her Majesty?” the scholar asked as we reached the hallway outside.
“Actually, I quite liked sorting books.” I lifted my shoulders in an embarrassed shrug. “The physical movement helps keep the pain in my heart away.”
“I understand. Then that is what you must do until you are finally free of it.”
Our footsteps echoed against the smooth walls as we ascended the stairs.
“Is it possible to send a letter to someone?” I asked as we made our way up another flight of stairs.
“Why do you ask?”
“Well, it’s just...” A fist squeezed my heart. “Liam. He’s probably worried sick not knowing what happened to me. I kinda left without saying goodbye.”
“Oh.”
“Yeah, so I just wanted to tell him that I’m okay now and that I’ve finally found where I belong.” More pain bled from my heart and I choked back a sob. “And I need to tell them about Elaran.”
“I see.” He gave my arm a reassuring pat. “And you are right, it is an important part in leaving your old life behind. I shall have pen and paper delivered to you in the library while I speak with Queen Nimlithil and then when I return, I will take you to the roof.”
“The roof?”
“Yes, that is where the carrier doves are kept.”
Chatting conversations were replaced by quiet murmuring as we reached the library. The scholar brought us to our usual table and rearranged some scrolls while talking to another elf. I waited patiently next to him. When he at last told me that pen and paper were on their way, I nodded and then set course for the book stacks at the back.
Just thinking about Elaran had made the chasm in my chest crack open again and I really needed to do something with my hands to keep my mind off it. The time until Niadhir returned was spent writing and then methodically moving books from one pile to another.
“How are you faring?”
I jerked up and whirled around to find Niadhir watching me with an amused expression on his face. “Oh, I lost track of time.” Scratching the back of my neck, I blinked at the
scene around me. “You’re back already?”
“Yes. Queen Nimlithil is happy that you have found your way back to the light and she has agreed that the full moon is an excellent day for it.” He moved his gaze around the clutter. “Have you written the letter?”
“Yeah.” I nodded before climbing back out again. “We’re going now?”
“I think that would be wise. Afterwards, I would like to resume my research and I would prefer not to take another break until our next meal.”
“Alright.” I smoothed my skirt as I reached him. “Lead the way.”
Holding out his arm, he escorted me through another series of hallways and up several flights of stairs until we reached the rooftop garden we had visited the first time I had met him. We followed a path of artfully placed bushes and trees in silver pots towards the middle of the roof.
“Wow.” I stopped briefly and stared at the white tower that had appeared before us. “Never seen anything like this before.”
The tall round construction was filled with holes and in them, pure white doves cooed. One of them took flight, stretching shining feathers towards the clear blue sky. Something made of metal gleamed on its back.
“Meet Starhaven’s carrier doves,” Niadhir said with a proud smile.
Holding up my hand to shield my eyes from the sun, I studied the birds. “What makes carrier doves different from, you know, regular doves?”
“Magic.”
“But I thought–”
“The spell, yes.” He waved a light hand at the tower. “Since they only have mere trace amounts of magic in their blood, it would not make a difference to the spell. Besides, this is a highly valuable way of communicating. One only needs to whisper the name of the desired recipient and the dove will find them.”
I gave the strange birds an impressed nod. “Very valuable indeed.”
A Storm of Glass and Stars (The Oncoming Storm Book 4) Page 21
