My speech advanced slowly. “Define ‘everything.’ I—”
“We made a mistake.”
A mistake. The razor-sharp edges and barbed points of those letters sliced deep, mangling flesh and greeting bone, more than any others could.
He glimpsed the shock on my face. “Not because of you, Doc…”
I still couldn’t find my voice. All I managed was setting the mug down on the sand before it fell from my hands.
“This,” he motioned between us, “I told myself this wouldn’t happen.” Seth followed his repeated path of footprints again. “You don’t get it. We had sex.”
“No, that part I get. I was there.”
“We shouldn’t have…” He kicked hard at a pile of sand and cursed, tiny grains blasting into the air toward the water. “It’s complicated now, and…”
I stepped in front of him and gently placed my hands on his chest to slow his feet and his mind. “Would you talk to me, please?”
Seth’s eyes met mine again, and I recognized the hints on his face telling me to tread with caution. His walls were about to rise. “Wake up, Jade. Whatever’s happening between us, it won’t work. It can’t.”
I didn’t heed his warning. “Because you don’t want it to.”
“No! Last night should tell you that’s not it at all.”
“Then you need to help me out here. Your actions tell me one thing, and your words say something else.” I racked my memory. “If this is about the fortune cookie thing you freaked out about at the Chinese—”
“It has nothing and everything to do with postage stamp cookies.” Seth let out a forced breath and held up both of his index fingers, side-by-side, with an inch of space in-between. “These here? Are parallels.”
Seth’s disjointed sentences and ping pong of topics were an insult to my intelligence. “Let’s skip the geometry lesson.”
He bypassed my sarcasm. “But you and I are two perpendicular lines,” Seth repositioned his fingers, “briefly intersecting, never to meet again.”
“McCullough. Are you saying what happened up there,” I pointed to the house, “was a one-night stand?”
He rubbed his face to hide the sadness waiting behind his eyes. “No. What I’m saying is while you’ve been chasing the past? I’ve been running from the future. It sounds like we’re headed the same direction, but we’re not.”
I dug my toes deep into the sand, searching for patience.
He reached into his pocket and tugged an envelope from the billfold of his wallet before he sat back down. “Last night, you gave me a reason to stay and a reason to run. I can only give you a reason to run.”
I watched his trembling hand. “Is that what I gave you at the pool?”
A tense combination of fear and hatred fought for control on his face as he stared at the return address. “Yeah.”
“I’m listening.”
“This envelope,” he raised it a few inches, “is why I chase adrenaline. This envelope is why I shut everyone out. This envelope is why we can’t… Fuck. Paper shouldn’t be able to do this.”
“Can we start with what’s inside?” I asked gently and sat down next to him.
His eyes lifted to greet mine. “That’s just it. I don’t know what the results say.”
“Results?”
His following sentences were even more of a scattered mess, but I did my best to assemble them. He told me about a medical condition in his family, an untreatable one that’d claimed the lives of his grandfather and his great-grandfather in an instant. The same truth washed up onto his mom’s porch, confirming it happened to his dad after he’d taken off. All dead before the age of thirty. As much as his story worried me, I refused to show it outwardly.
“The odds don’t bend in my favor,” he finished.
“But your uncle, he’s fine…”
“He has a different father,” he said. “Besides, that son of a bitch is gonna outlive us all from spite.”
“Does Sienna know about this envelope?”
For a long time, he remained quiet, eventually shaking his head left and right.
“Lucy?”
“Not where it came from or what’s inside.”
“If you don’t want to answer, don’t, but is this why you wrote that check and moved out without telling her?”
“The money was to give her time, so she could find another roommate. I’m not going to leave her with my legacy of pain or the burden of dealing with my stuff after I…”
I couldn’t help but scrunch my eyes shut with a sick stomach.
“Are you… living out of your truck?” I walked back to the driver’s side and froze, catching him shirtless. The tattoo on his back stood out under the moonlight, amplifying its sorrow.
He turned toward me, defined muscles fully in view. “You don’t let up, do you?”
“Nope.”
“Let’s just say my change of address hasn’t been confirmed yet.” He shoved his arms through the sleeves of a sweatshirt.
“There’s a form down at the post office for that, you know.”
“It’s not that simple,” he muttered.
“That night, after the bonfire. When you said change of address, you didn’t mean moving from Lucy’s to Sienna’s. You meant—”
“A residence six feet under.”
I hadn’t started to process his last statement, but he continued before I could catch my breath. “I came here to break ties with Sienna. Wouldn’t be hard with as much as we fight. And I planned to run solo until I resolved things or things resolved me. But then I met you, so everything’s…”
“Complicated,” my voice broke miserably, unable to make what I said sound less hollow because I felt empty. He’d left me speechless with nothing left but a shiver of panic.
“The look on your face right now? It’s why I didn’t want to tell you. I’d purposely put that look on your face over the past six days to stop it from organically happening here because I knew it’d hurt a thousand times more. And then I let my guard fall last night.”
I blinked quickly, newfound heaviness growing in my chest.
“I can count on one finger how many people I’ve told about any of this stuff, and that was years ago, long before I had the test done. I can also count on one finger how many people wrote me off. That fast.” He snapped his fingers. “I learned quick. Keeping everyone in the dark is easier. Isolation island: Population— Seth McCullough. No one to disappoint. No one to hurt.”
The list continued, each client bringing a unique, bizarre, and frown-worthy trait or hobby to the table. Still, people wondered why I didn’t date anymore or make friends with my clients. No, thank you. Isolation Island: Population— Jade Nash. The list of people I devoted personal time to was exceptionally brief.
Metaphorically, Seth and I had lived on neighboring islands. For so long. Alone. We’d placed ourselves there because it was simpler and safer that way. But was it worth it? All that time, he and I were a short swim away from each other, from someone who understood.
“And do you know what she said?”
I surfaced to the present, feeling guilt over missing any of his explanation.
“I’ll tell you. She wasn’t brave enough to stick around and find out. So, I decided cutting everyone out was a better alternative.”
“Maybe you’re the problem.”
Nope, Jade. That didn’t come out at all how you envisioned. Par for the course.
I’d offended him again. “The latest pep talk’s been great, so I’m going to head out. Guess I can up the ante to two fingers, the middle one on each hand aimed at me.”
“Don’t.” I grabbed his wrist to stop him from standing up. “That’s not what I meant. What if you’re the one who isn’t brave enough?”
> “You’re calling me a coward now?” He pulled his hand away. “I’m the guy who cliff dives at Malibu Creek and who bungee jumps in Queenstown. I’m the guy who—”
“I’m not calling you a coward, and I’m not talking about your extreme stunts. Whoever you’re talking about is… was… it doesn’t matter. What if you aren’t brave enough to fully let someone in? What if you aren’t brave enough to be that vulnerable? Over the last few days, you’ve shared a lot of your past with me. This is different; it’s about the present and the future.”
He sank back a few inches, as if I’d thrown the heaviest truth at his chest.
But the weight of what I told him applied to me, too, and I needed to face that. My history proved I wasn’t brave enough. In a lot of ways. Until the past week, I’d kept my guard up plenty. Once again, Seth showed me we were the same without saying it or maybe even knowing it. I thought back to every punishing trip past the sandbar in the cove. Each time, the frigid water shipped me back to what’d happened with Bo. Seth’s adrenaline did for him what the cold water did for me— allowed us to feel. I’d fought so hard to swim into the current of the present and future, not realizing I drowned in the past every day too. Barely able to tread water. And he was right. It exhausted me.
“How long have you had that envelope?” I asked.
He swallowed with difficulty. “Too long. It was buried in a dresser drawer at Lucy’s so I wouldn’t have to face it.”
“Maybe it’s time you did.”
“That’s just it. I can’t,” he said. “It’s like Charlotte. I’m not there yet. Every day, I fight to pretend none of this exists and everything’s fine. I skydive to make it fall elsewhere. I cage swim with sharks to send it to the depths. But whatever’s in this stupid envelope? It scares the hell out of me.”
“But what if it’s good news? What if it’s liberating and gives you everything you need?”
The gloom behind his eyes returned. “What if it doesn’t?”
I made the boldest move possible and led him to the edge of the one cliff I knew he’d never willingly jump from. “Then, let me read it for you.”
“No.” He startled at my suggestion. “I can’t ask you or anyone to…”
“You’re not asking. I’m offering.” I placed my hand on his knee. “I may not be able to solve your problems, but I can help you be brave enough to face them. But you have to make the leap and want me to.”
He stared at the envelope, folds of wear and tear showing both its age and how much turbulence it’d caused.
We sat there with only the sound of the wind and the waves. He didn’t need to say more with disjointed words or with flawless clarity. I’d found my patience, and I’d use it to stay there as long as he needed.
After long minutes of contemplation, he tipped the envelope my direction a couple of inches. “Here.”
I didn’t immediately grab it from his hand. The decision was huge, and Seth needed a last chance for an out, the opportunity to step away from that cliff and change his mind. But he didn’t run. Instead, he waited with his toes curled over the edge while his unknown, decided future rested in my hands.
I forced a reassuring half-smile that wasn’t entirely genuine. Truth be told, that envelope scared me too, more than I’d let on. I fingered over the canceled postage, a black circle with wavy lines reading Cannon Cove. It overlapped onto a green-and-white stamp showing a pattern of both curving lines and short strokes. The near-heart shape in the middle spoke to me, not quite perfect… just like both of us.
For a moment, I wondered if I could do it. Could I read the truth and hold that knowledge? Shielding him from it for even a few seconds if it wasn’t what he wanted to hear?
“Are you sure you don’t want a doctor to go over this with you?” I turned the envelope over in my hands. “It’s standard—”
“Not interested. That’s why I set the certified request for my records.”
“How many times have you violated HIPAA today?” he continued.
“How do you even know what HIPAA regulations—”
“That doesn’t matter.”
“And all of this is why you know so much about confidentiality rules,” I said.
“Yeah.”
Before I lost my nerve, I slid my finger under the flap of paper and slid out the single sheet that’d been neatly folded into thirds. “Tell me. Are you brave enough?”
“No way out but through, right?” He forced a deep breath.
I moved from the driftwood to the sand and sat down across from him. “Last night, you told me you weren’t running anywhere. Neither am I.” Without hesitation, I grabbed his sweaty right hand tight with my left, giving it a firm and unremitting squeeze to let him know I wouldn’t let go. “Dear Mr. McCullough…”
My eyes skimmed past the aged service date and the procedure details while my mouth verbalized the body of the letter. “This correspondence is to relay the results of your test(s) ordered by Dr. Ivan Jones and performed by Oceanic Labs Northwest for Steele Falls Medical Plaza. Your screening test(s) is/are,” I looked up at him briefly, but he remained stone still, “negative.
“Because of these results, you do not need follow up testing; however, it’s important you express any concerns you have with Dr. Ivan Jones directly. If you have further questions regarding your test(s), please contact the medical center patient line.”
I lowered the piece of paper. It buckled back into thirds as if locking up its secrets again. “How do you feel now?”
Tears glinted in his eyes while he let out a few exhalations of disbelief. “Half-relieved.”
“Why only half?”
“The other half is worried because I said some things to you a few minutes ago I didn’t mean.” Seth stood up, never letting his grip slip before spinning me around. He raised both of my hands to his mouth where he planted a few soft kisses on my knuckles. “I’m sorry. I can go add to the napkin, and—”
“Forget about the napkin.” I stopped him from turning to walk up the hill. “I’d rather know if there are more truth bombs I need to brace for.”
He shook his head. “That was the last one.”
A gust of wind rushed from the water. The letter that’d fallen to the ground when Seth pulled me to my feet lifted and fluttered toward the fire. I grabbed for it and missed, but the flames claimed it before I could.
“Don’t.” He held onto me tighter and said, “I’m ready to let it go.”
For a long while that morning, we stayed down on the beach in reflective peace.
“I want to do something incredible, you know? Like climb a mountain or go base jumping,” he said.
I laughed. “Isn’t that what you already do most days?”
“I mean together. Let’s go somewhere.”
“Like… The Kraken?”
“Nope. Let’s pack our bags and get on a plane because we both need a break. Earlier, you said if there wasn’t a wedding you’d be on a flight somewhere.”
“Yeah. Maui, but—”
He stood up. “Let’s go.”
“Right now?” I asked, fully preparing to make a list of why I couldn’t leave. But I stopped myself, realizing maybe it was what I needed because he was who I needed to give me a nudge off that same cliff.
“Well, not right-right now. Later today.” He tugged me to my feet and hurried toward the house. “I have a raincheck to cash in from last night first.”
On our way up the hill, I glanced back at the fiery coals one last time.
Seth was right. Everyone needed to be saved sometimes.
Hours later, we convinced ourselves to put on clothes long enough to search for airline tickets to Maui. The bad news? There weren’t any same-day seats available, so we had to wait for the following day. The good news? We made use of our time an
d christened every room in the house. And maybe the deck, too.
* * *
On Tuesday morning, I packed my suitcase and tucked a key under the mat so Sabina could feed Charlotte. Telling her about everything that happened would wait until after we got back. Next, Seth and I drove north, hopped on a plane from Seattle Tacoma International Airport, and flew six hours to the Kahului Airport in Maui. During most of the flight, we both napped with my head on his shoulder and his hand in mine.
When we landed, I powered on my phone and shot Roxy a text message.
Roxy— “Roxicodone”
How’s Maui? It’s been a minute since we last talked.
It’s tropical and amazing. Regret not coming yet?
Not a bit.
What are you guys doing right now?
Will’s sulking upstairs because he wore SPF 2, and he looks like the cartoon logo for a lobster shack.
I’m down at Kapalua Beach, working on my tan before we fly out tonight.
Wish you were here. I want to know all about the wedding.
You’ll hear about it soon enough.
I turned to Seth. “Do you mind if we make a pitstop on the way to the hotel?”
“Fine by me.” He leaned in, his lips brushing my ear while his hand skimmed my bare thigh. “I’ll do whatever you want whenever you want for however long you want.”
His touch made my heart race. I closed my eyes and swallowed, so close to bagging the impromptu trip to the beach before we even got off the plane. “Remember that later today.”
He raised the back of my hand to his mouth before we stood up, his voice remaining low. “You know I collect on my rainchecks.”
* * *
A little over an hour later, we pulled into the public lot of Kapalua Beach. Seth parked the Chrysler 200 in an open space between a chain-link fence and a motorcycle. I exited the passenger side of the rental car and put on my sunglasses. With no one standing nearby, Seth walked over to where I stood and leaned me back against the car. The velvet warmth of his kiss made my thoughts spin as my lips parted for more.
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