by Ora North
It’s not your job to meet everyone’s emotional needs. It’s impossible, and that kind of accommodating nature is as disempowering for the other person as it is for you. Standing tall in your own convictions to meet your own needs, despite the fact that you know you’re going against what someone else needs, will empower you in a way that leads to more balance overall.
The Distortion of Unconditional Love
Many people strive for unconditional love within their relationships. They use it as a means to forgive others and stand by their people. But is striving for unconditional love always a good thing?
Unconditional love may not be very practical or honest when it comes to the reality of relationships, especially as an empath. Unconditional love, by definition, is love that’s not subject to any conditions. The problem with this is that boundaries are conditions. Boundaries are conditions to a healthy relationship, set by each person in the relationship. Boundaries make clear what the person is willing or not willing to accept.
Having unconditional love in practice within your relationship would mean a relationship with no boundaries. No boundaries might seem like a romantic idea for the most advanced of spiritualists, but as long as we remain human on this earth, we require healthy boundaries. The practice of unconditional love could cover up and excuse bad behaviors that continually repeat themselves. For an empath, it’s already a challenge to find emotional boundaries with others, and perpetuating the idea that there shouldn’t be boundaries in love will make it even more difficult to find emotional independence.
What if instead of striving for unconditional love, we strive for healthy boundaries that allow the relationship to grow, evolve, and flourish to the highest good of both partners? If something is no longer for the highest good of each person and it can’t be changed to be for the highest good, then it is no longer a healthy relationship.
This doesn’t mean you can’t have unconditional love for a person. It means that in order to practice unconditional love, you often need to let them go. If that person treats you badly, you can still love them, but you may need to love them from afar, ending that negative behavior. Unconditional love is not a replacement for self-love.
Healthy boundaries are way sexier than unconditional love, since they empower both parties in an active, working relationship.
The Challenge of Codependency: External vs. Internal Validation
Codependency is a hot topic when it comes to identifying negative patterns in relationships. Unfortunately, codependency is common in the relationships of empaths.
Because empaths are so accustomed to living their lives based on the emotions of others, they can develop low self-esteem. Since we feel so intensely, it’s easy to base our lives on external validation—that is, on the feelings and reactions of our loved ones—rather than on internal validation. And the more we base our self-esteem and our worth on external sources, the more we rely on those sources to keep us happy and confident. We often find ourselves in these closed feedback loops with our loved ones, cycling through the same arguments and the same solutions time and time again, without really getting anywhere new.
The only thing we accomplish by doing this is creating a stronger force of codependency, where we cycle through the loop faster and faster, seeking that source of validation we found before. The energy of desperation comes in at this point, making it feel like the affection we receive from the other person is the only thing sustaining us.
When we rely on others for our emotional well-being, it puts way too much pressure on our relationships. If it’s a good relationship, it will undoubtedly crumble from the pressure. If it’s an abusive relationship, it will perpetuate the negative cycle of abuse, strengthening both the victim mentality and the abuser mentality.
Breaking codependency is difficult, but not impossible. Knowing yourself inside and out, and being able to meet your own needs yourself, is the key to having high self-esteem that comes from within. All of the exercises I’ve had you do in this book are to strengthen your awareness and connection to yourself, and that’s what you need for easier relationships. When you know and love your own darkness that well, there will be absolutely no room for the energy of codependence.
Abusive Relationships and Gaslighting
It’s all too easy for an empath to slip into an abusive relationship. If we’re not connected to our own emotions, and if we confuse our own energy with someone else’s, we leave space for others to slip in and decide for us what our feelings are.
Gaslighting is a manipulation tactic often used by narcissists and sociopaths to plant seeds of doubt in the victim, making them question their own sanity. It’s alarmingly easy to succumb to gaslighting if you’re already confused and overwhelmed by out-of-control empathy. I’m sure you can relate to this, since when we’re going through this self-growth process or even beforehand, we often think, Am I crazy? If you’re already questioning your sanity, an abuser can confirm that fear and mold your beliefs to benefit them. Not only will that create a codependent dynamic, but it also builds a structure of abuse (built by the abuser) that will seem completely okay to you while you’re still in it. The abuser will twist your negative feelings back toward you, making you believe it’s all because of something you’re doing.
This partially explains why people stay in abusive relationships. If the abuser builds the relationship in a way that explains away all of the victim’s negative experiences of the relationship, the victim is left to believe either that it’s somehow their fault or that nothing is actually wrong. This will seem normal to them. When the abuser tells them things like “No one will ever love you like I do,” or “You’re lucky you have me to help you make sense of all your feelings,” or “You can never leave me,” they will believe it, because they doubt their own sanity. Red flags don’t look like red flags while immersed in the relationship.
Breaking away from abusive relationships isn’t easy. It can be dangerous too. You may find yourself deprogramming yourself for many years after an abusive relationship that involved gaslighting. This is why physical space is one of the most treasured tools for discovering which energy is yours and which is someone else’s when it comes to your relationships. A healthy dose of space is the precursor to all true emotional awareness and realization. Once you’ve built up your own energy signatures and can identify what is yours and what isn’t, you naturally build defenses against abusive types that might seek to gaslight you.
The Lure of the Narcissist
In terms of romantic relationships, the narcissist has a real appeal. It might sound strange, but you can often feel the lure of the narcissist. It’s actually fairly common, and there’s no shame in being drawn to people like that. There’s a simple energetic reason for being so attracted to narcissists.
As an empath, you are constantly bombarded with the energies of others. For the narcissist, their skill is in disguising their true emotional intentions. They’ve developed a way to cloak their energy in order to avoid being figured out. As an empath, doesn’t that sound like a freaking vacation? Being with someone who doesn’t immediately overwhelm you with their energy? Being with someone you can’t read right away? We often lose our sense of mystery when we can read energy as much as we do, so finding someone cloaked in mystery is pretty damn appealing.
Eventually, the narcissist reveals themselves to be just as overwhelming as everyone else, but at that point, they’ve conditioned you to be drawn in by the mystery. They’ve positioned you to be gaslighted.
Being aware of this energetic blind spot will prevent a lot of heartache. Take caution with those who are incredibly difficult to read, and take your time in making any moves with them.
The Empathy and Narcissism Connection
What if I told you that empaths and narcissists were essentially the same kind of people, only with different coping methods for their empathy?
In a world where it’s easy for empa
ths to demonize narcissists, we can lose a certain sense of accountability. It’s easy to pin the blame on them without having to examine ourselves. But what if dangerous narcissism was just one extreme on the spectrum of empathy?
I believe that the spectrum of empathy goes from overwhelmed empath, who is trapped doing everything for others, to cold narcissist, who uses their knowledge of others to get what they want. Sensitive beings have to find a way to cope with their empathy. For some, that means they become overwhelmed empaths who feel everything from everyone. For others, that means they slide into a complete lack of empathy—turning it off, essentially. Generally speaking, this is why more narcissists are males, while more self-identified empaths are females.
Female empaths usually find themselves drowning in the emotions of others, because that’s part of what their female conditioning taught them; male empaths, on the other hand, usually turn it off completely, because their male conditioning taught them to not experience or express emotions. Both of these empaths still have the ability to feel other people, but each has a different way of coping. The female gives up her power, while the male goes after more and more power. These, of course, are generalizations, and it isn’t to say that there aren’t female narcissists or male empaths, or that you need to identify as one gender at all to be either. But the energy of years and years of cultural conditioning in gendered roles still runs through us, and by being aware of how these gendered roles operate, it can help us shift the energy. Being able to explore the energy of your prescribed gender role will also help you explore how you experience your own narcissism and empathy.
As an empath, you have the ability to go either way. You may find yourself powerless to resist the emotions of everyone else, and you may also find yourself cold and reveling in your ability to manipulate others. The two are not mutually exclusive, and they are often connected to the state of your boundaries. The more rigid and extreme your boundaries are, the more you will find yourself swinging toward narcissism. The more you deny your boundaries in the first place, the more you will find yourself powerless and overwhelmed.
Emotional Labor and the Womb Space
In addition to female empaths being naturally conditioned toward powerlessness, they are also naturally conditioned to do emotional labor for those around them. Emotional labor is the work put in to hold space for and process the emotions of others. It’s also the tasks given to females that take up a lot of emotional space. This might mean that you’re expected to remember all of your husband’s family’s birthdays, even though he doesn’t. This might mean that you’re expected to handle the kids when they’re crying, while he gets to escape to the bedroom. This might mean that you’re expected to plan the parties at work or you’re expected to hold space while the men in your life process all their feelings to you.
Take stock of all the emotional labor you do for other people. Since you’re an empath, it’s all too easy to see what everyone else needs. So naturally, you’d be able to meet those needs, right? How much of your energy is spent processing the emotions of other people? You may be surprised to find how much vitality you lose by agreeing to do more and more emotional labor.
This doesn’t mean all emotional labor is bad, though. The largest part of my job is helping others process their emotions, and it’s an amazing job. But I’m also getting paid for it. My emotional labor is appreciated and compensated. When it comes to my personal relationships, I allow for a generous amount of emotional labor when it doesn’t diminish my energy reserves too much.
What kind of emotional labor do you put in for your family, your partner, your coworkers, your friends? How often are you giving this labor? Is any of your extra emotional labor paid? Know the amount of emotional labor you’re putting in, and be aware of how it affects your energy reserves. Adjust accordingly. Saying no in the face of excessive emotional labor will shift your power. No is a sacred word. Use it.
One of the main reasons men look to women for their emotional processing is because women have a built-in womb space. The womb space literally creates and houses life. It is a safe space kept only for nourishment. This is where you can turn when you need to mother yourself and take care of yourself. Your womb space holds an incredible amount of safe and comforting energy. Because men don’t have that built-in womb space, and because they’ve been conditioned to avoid their own emotions, they’re naturally drawn to your womb space. Their emotions need to go somewhere to be safe, and they can feel that their emotions would be safest with you. This doesn’t mean, however, that the male empath can’t draw upon his own womb energy for comfort. While having a biological womb space can make it easier, the womb space is as much energetic as it is physical, and focus and intention on that energetic mothering energy is just as effective.
With gender becoming less and less rigid, these energetic roles will naturally begin to shift, and there won’t be such a divide. As I said, you don’t need a biological womb space to be able to mother yourself nor do you need to be a male to demand emotional labor from others.
We’re in the process of creating healthy energetic routines for everyone, regardless of gender. But the acceptance of gender fluidity is still new, and the previous gender roles have been locked in for a very long time, so it will take a lot of awareness to monitor and shift the levels of emotional labor still expected of women.
Your Victim and Your Villain in Your Relationships
It’s easy to fall into helplessness when it comes to relationships. With all the difficult things an empath experiences on a daily basis, relationships can often feel like the heaviest burden instead of the joy we wish them to be.
When an empath becomes overwhelmed or scared in the face of a relationship, their shadow usually comes out. It’s easier to let your victim or your villain take the reins in your relationships rather than to stay present with the fear. Your victim will want to take control, blaming everything on the other person and believing everything is a move against them. Your villain will take the vengeful route, trying to protect themselves from becoming the victim, and will intentionally do things to gain the upper hand in the relationship. Your victim wants to give up their power. Your villain wants to gain all of the power.
If your parents have triggered you, your victim may step in and blame your entire life on their poor decisions. If your lover has triggered you, your villain may step in to intentionally manipulate them. Both victim and villain try to prevent you from feeling the full pain of the trigger.
Jade found herself drawn to dark, intense, dramatic relationships. She enjoyed the game of it, the play of predator and prey. They all started with fireworks and unrivaled passion, and they all blew up in betrayal and smoke. Her lovers ended up as her mortal enemies. I had her personify her inner villain for me.
Her inner villain was a dark sex kitten, a woman who deeply hated men and wanted to guiltlessly consume them like a siren bringing down ships at sea. As she described her villain and her relationships, we realized she was letting her villain completely control her relationships. Jade had become her inner villain when it came to her romantic relationships. She loved, and she wanted to be loved, but her desire to destroy and consume was driving her relationships.
There was no possible way she could experience a healthy relationship if she continued to allow her villain to take the reins. Even though her villain was ultimately trying to protect her, she knew that she had to reclaim her power over her relationships, putting her villain in the backseat.
Amber was in the midst of a separation from her husband. They had both been unfaithful, but she could not shake the betrayal she felt from his infidelity. It consistently overwhelmed her and filled her with rage. She was unable to move on and focus on herself, because she felt so victimized by everything that happened.
Her inner victim was in control, replaying cycles of helplessness and betrayal that completely prevented her from moving toward her new life. It wasn’t u
ntil Amber spent some time with her inner victim and validated her experiences as a victim that she was able to move into self-responsibility for her own part in the relationship and move forward in her own life.
How have your victim and villain manifested in your relationships? Where do you see each of them coming out? You’ll find that when you’re feeling triggered, and it’s too painful to be present with the trigger and trace it back, your victim or villain will step in and take over.
By seeing where your victim and villain manifest in your relationships, you’ll be able to see where you can direct your love and your self-work. You’ll be able to feel where you want them to step in and choose to remain present in your trigger instead. Claiming responsibility is one of the hardest tasks for an overwhelmed empath, but claiming responsibility is the same as claiming power.
When He Steals Your Soul
Inner children are not the only pieces of vital energy that can be brought back from soul retrieval and working with lost pieces. We can experience soul loss at any stage of our lives for a variety of reasons.
One common experience for adults is experiencing soul loss in familial and romantic relationships. While relationships are amazing teachers and catalysts in our emotional and spiritual lives, they often involve a lot of trauma. When we are abandoned by our partners or cheated on, we may experience soul loss. When we willingly give up our power for our partner, we may experience soul loss. When a marriage grows apart and ends in a bittersweet fashion, we may experience soul loss. Sometimes the other person will want to keep the vital energy they stole or were given, and they won’t want to give it up.
