by Piper Rayne
“Come,” Carol said. “I made you breakfast.”
She put a bowl of cereal in front of Jenna. Jenna hadn’t realized that Carol had made two bowls. “Let’s eat together. In front of the television. Let’s watch a show.”
Jenna nodded and carried her half empty coffee cup and her cereal to the living room where she and her mother sat down in front of the television.
“What are we watching?” she asked.
“Grey’s Anatomy,” Carol said. “I want to have a look at some hot doctors.”
Jenna rolled her eyes and took a bite of the cereal her mother had made for her. She wasn’t really hungry, she had no appetite, but if she wanted to get through this, she had to take one step at a time. One bite at a time to keep herself healthy, one step at a time to keep moving forward. She had half expected a lecture from her mother about Nate. Her mother had always loved Nate and thought they were perfect together. Jenna was glad that her mother wasn’t saying anything.
Carol switched on Grey’s Anatomy and started it from the beginning.
“Why are we watching it from the start?” Jenna asked.
“Because sometimes, it’s a good idea to know where you started, to look at the little things that you forgot about along the way.”
Jenna narrowed her eyes at her mother. “Are you trying to give me some kind of life lesson?”
Carol shook her head and batted innocent eyelashes at Jenna. “I’m just saying why I want to restart the series. Unless you have something on your mind and you can relate.”
Jenna groaned. “God, Mama, stop the games. Just say what you want to say, spit it out so I can carry on with my life. These cryptic messages are driving me crazy. I already have enough to deal with without you making life harder.”
“Fine,” Carol said. “What are you so damn afraid of? Why won’t you stay here? Why won’t you accept what you already know?”
Jenna shook her head. “I don’t have to explain anything to you. I don’t have to justify myself.”
“Oh yes, you do. Because you didn’t just ditch him, you know. You did to me, too.”
“That’s not true,” Jenna said. She put down her coffee and her breakfast on the coffee table and crossed her arms over her chest. “I talk to you all the time. I fly you to New York. I do everything in my power to make sure that our relationship is a good one. I didn’t ditch you.” She made air quotes when she said the word ditch.
“You’re refusing to come back home,” Carol said. “You don’t want anything to do with the life you had here, even though it was the only life you had. Why? What’s the problem?”
“I can’t live here, Mama. I can’t be the person I was meant to be.”
Carol narrowed her eyes. “And exactly who were you meant to be?”
Jenna sawed her mouth open and closed. She didn’t know how to answer that question. If her mother had asked her “what” she was meant to be, she could say successful, a dreamer, a go-getter, ambitious, proud of what she had accomplished. But “who” was a different thing entirely.
“It seems to me like you’re running around the world, searching so hard, but you’re forgetting what it is that you’re looking for.”
Jenna shook her head, tears springing to her eyes. Dammit, she hadn’t wanted to cry in front of her mom.
“I just want to be somebody who will be remembered,” Jenna finally said. Her voice had cracked and she whispered, every word catching in her throat.
“You can’t be remembered if you don’t have anyone to remember you,” Carol said matter-of-factly. “The people who love you are the people who will honor your memory after you’re gone. Trust me, after I had my little spell, I have been thinking about this a lot.”
“Really?” Jenna asked, surprised. She had thought her mom was only living in denial, that she didn’t for one moment think that something was wrong enough that she might die.
“Of course. You think I’m stupid? I know everyone is making a fuss because it’s a big deal. But I can’t lie down. I can’t afford to roll over and die. I have to fight this thing, and if I tell myself that I’m healthy, eventually, I’ll believe it. Eventually, it will become true. But that doesn’t mean that it won’t be hard, and the only way I can get through it is by having the people that love me around me.”
Jenna shook her head. “It’s not the same thing.”
“Of course, it is,” Carol said. “Who is going to remember you in the big city? Your company? For selling great houses? That doesn’t sound like the kind of thing you want on your tombstone. Here lies Jenna Carey, a great realtor. Honey, you have to start believing that staying in a small town doesn’t mean you are a small person. You can still follow your dreams and still have the people that love you in your life. You don’t have to choose one or the other.”
Jenna burst into tears. “I don’t know how to do this,” she said. “I’ve made so many mistakes, hurt so many people. I feel like coming back will mean that I have to face it, and what if they don’t want me anymore?”
Carol tutted. “He was here, wasn’t he? He wants you back. And I have never stopped wanting you. This nightmare you have been living with is only in your own head. I think it’s time you wake up, sweetheart.”
Carol picked up the television remote and pushed play, and Meredith Grey’s squeaky voice started narrating. This was it. The conversation was over. She had officially been dismissed.
And somehow, it felt like a weight had fallen off her shoulders. What if her mother was right? What if this was where she belonged? What if she could turn around and come back, face the people she had left behind and still be happy?
She had no idea what she would do if she moved back to Smithville. Her job in New York City wouldn’t be possible here. There just wasn’t a hell of a lot of real estate to sell in a place so small. But maybe she could figure that out. Maybe she could find a way to make a living. Maybe she could find a way to be alive again.
Because by leaving everyone behind, she had left a part of herself behind, too. And maybe it was time to come back and find that peace again, to pick up where she left off and create a new path.
Maybe it was time to come home.
14
Nate
He was at home. Where else would he go? His whole world had been ripped apart—again—and the only thing there was to do when that happened was carry on. Put one foot in front of the other. Take one more breath. Until the pain wasn’t so acute anymore. Until he could figure out how to carry on again.
Hell, Nate had been through enough heartache in his life, right? And not even because of Jenna, either. He had lost his father, and that had been a terrible thing to get through.
Nate couldn’t remember his mother. He had lost her, too. But that was before he could remember. The pain he’d had to deal with was losing the man that had been by his side since he was a kid. The man who had taught him everything about life. And most things about love.
God, Nate wished his dad was around to talk to now. His dad had loved Jenna. He had always told Nate that if he found a woman he knew he couldn’t live without, then he had to make a plan never to live without her. “Marry that girl,” his dad used to say. “You don’t find love like that every day.”
Nate had thought about it often enough. He had wanted to ask Jenna to marry him. But they had been kids, and he’d thought he would wait a while longer. There hadn’t been any rush.
Now, he wondered what would have happened if he had done that. Would she have said yes and stayed? Or would she have shot him down just like she was doing now? Would it have hurt more because he’d actually tried? Or would it have been the same because he had felt it all for her. A ring wouldn’t have made a difference to how much he’d loved her.
“Dammit!” Nate shouted and punched the couch next to him. How the hell was he supposed to manage these emotions? How the hell was he supposed to deal with this pain?
He wished his dad was around. The old man had always told Nate what to d
o when he’d found the love of his life. He’d never given him advice on what to do when he’d lost it. Not even after Jenna left. Nate hadn’t wanted to talk about it. He hadn’t wanted to hear what his dad had to say about love and loss, because he had wanted to hold onto the idea that she might come back.
Nate should have asked. He should have spoken about it before it was too late, before his dad left him.
At least, with his dad leaving, it had been okay. He had been angry, but his dad had felt bad about getting sick. Nate had had a chance to say goodbye.
With Jenna, that hadn’t been the case.
Nate chuckled bitterly. He wouldn’t have the chance to say goodbye to her this time, either. Because this was it. He was done. And he had told her so. He wasn’t going to spend one more minute pining over a woman he had lost far longer ago than he had ever wanted to admit.
He would take his time mourning it, feel what he needed to feel, and then he would close that little box with all the emotions he had felt for her, and he would never look at it again.
That was the way to do this.
Nate picked up his phone and scrolled through his contacts list. He had so many girls’ numbers on his phone. He could call any one of them and they would come running. Most of them, anyway. But he was sure that even the scorned ones, like Amy and Janet, would come running if he told them that he needed them.
That was all they’d ever wanted. To be needed. Nate just hadn’t needed them.
And he still didn’t. What he needed was for Jenna to stop being a bitch.
Nate dropped his phone on the couch and stood, then walked to the fridge where he grabbed a beer. He popped open the top and took a long sip. Maybe if he drank enough for long enough, the feelings would go away.
But no, he had tried that, too.
His phone rang, and Nate walked to the couch again.
“Where are you?” Greg asked.
“At home.”
“Why?” he asked. “The restaurant is bustling and it’s a hell of a lot more fun behind the bar. With me. We can stare at some hotties and maybe take them out later. Or home. You know, whatever tickles your fancy.” Greg laughed at his own joke.
“I don’t think I’m going to join you today,” Nate said. “I’ll swing by later to take care of business.”
“What? Since when do you pass up booze and women?” Greg asked.
“That’s not all I do,” Nate said.
“Pretty much is,” Greg said. And Nate realized he was right.
“I just don’t feel like it, today,” Nate said and hung up before Greg could tell him again how weird he was being. He had drowned himself in booze for a long time. He had buried himself under a pile of women. And, somehow, that hadn’t changed anything at all.
Instead, it had only postponed the pain. And that was ridiculous, if he thought about it.
What Nate really needed was to get out of the house. He needed to go somewhere, clear his mind, spend some time on the road. Maybe hole up somewhere for a couple of days until he could come back to town and walk around without seeing her face everywhere.
Yeah, that was what he needed. Nate walked to his closet and threw a few things in a bag, a change of clothes for a day or two, a phone charger, and a jacket in case it got cold. He grabbed a book that he’d been meaning to read and hadn’t gotten around to.
He was going to drop off the face of the Earth for a while. Not for too long, the restaurant needed him. But Greg could figure it out for a while. Nate’s restaurant team knew how things worked well enough that Nate could trust them to do a good job of it while he was away.
He walked down the stairs and out to his truck, throwing his bag into the passenger seat.
When he sat behind the wheel, he took one last deep breath before he started the engine. He plugged his phone into the phone holder so that he could see his maps at a glance and put the truck into gear.
Nate’s foot was already on the gas and he was ready to pull off when she appeared on the road in front of him. Jenna. With her blonde hair like sunshine and her eyes a color he hadn’t seen in a long, long time. The color the sky turned just before a storm.
He frowned and switched off the truck.
“You’re leaving?” she asked.
“You should know what that’s like,” Nate bit out.
“Where are you going?”
“What do you care?” He was being a dick, but he was angry. What was she doing here?
Jenna looked worried; she wore that expression she used to have when she was trying to find the right words and didn’t know how. She’d looked that way before she’d first told him she loved him.
Nate knew he should just get back into the truck and go. It was trouble, talking to her. It was only going to make matters worse. But he couldn’t just leave her behind. She might have been able to do it, but he couldn’t. He knew what he felt for her.
Even if she was adamant on not feeling the same.
Dammit.
“What do you want?” he finally asked.
“I just want to talk to you.”
Nate shook his head. “I don’t have anything to say to you.”
“I’m not asking you to say anything. Just listen.”
God, it sounded exactly the same as that night she had come back to the restaurant after it had closed, and she had been so hellbent on making her point, she had been cute in her drunken state. How could he resist her? How was he ever going to get over her?
“What is it?” Nate said. The last time, she had insisted that she could do whatever the hell she wanted. “If you’re here to tell me you are allowed to leave, you don’t need to remind me. Just leave.”
Jenna shook her head. “I’m not here to tell you I’m leaving.” Her voice was thin. “I’m here to tell you I was wrong.”
Nate blinked. “What?” he asked. “Did I hear you right?” A woman never confessed to being wrong.
Jenna nodded. “I shouldn’t have left without saying goodbye. In fact, I shouldn’t have left at all.”
Nate frowned. What the hell was he supposed to make of that? What was he supposed to say? Feel? Do?
“Was it me?” he blurted out, unable to stop the words. It was the question that had been haunting him for the longest time. The one question he hadn’t been willing to put into enough words, not even into a thought. “Am I the reason you left?”
“God, no,” Jenna said, and her face crumpled. She looked like she was going to cry. Please don’t cry, Nate willed. If she cried, it would be over. He wouldn’t be able to stand strong. He wouldn’t be able to tell her off if she was only there to break his heart again. “I was the reason I left.”
Nate shook his head. He had no idea what she was saying.
“You’re the reason I’m staying,” she added.
Nate blinked at her. “What?” he asked, terrified that he hadn’t heard her right.
“I’m sorry,” she said. “I thought I couldn’t be who I wanted to be if I stayed.”
“I never wanted anyone else than who you were.”
Jenna nodded. “Yeah,” she said. “I know that. I wanted someone else, though. I just didn’t know how to be who I wanted to be and still be here. But living in the city…it’s not going to give me what I want.”
“What do you want?” Nate asked.
Jenna walked around the truck to the driver’s side where Nate stood, gripping the door tightly. He was worried that if he didn’t, he was going to fall over. Or something.
“You,” Jenna said.
She was so damn close now. Close enough to touch. Close enough to kiss.
“How do I know you’re not going to leave again?” Nate asked.
Jenna shook her head. “I’m not. I know it’s not enough of a promise, after I already ran away once.”
“Without saying goodbye,” Nate added.
“Yeah,” Jenna said and looked down. She felt guilty. He loved being able to read her like a book. “But I’ve been running on empty for
six years. And I didn’t realize it’s because I didn’t have you. So, I’m here. Now. And I’m staying. Because I love you, too.”
That was it. Nate couldn’t take it anymore. Jenna was here, right in front of him, saying the one thing he’d thought he would never hear out of her mouth again.
He grabbed her by the cheeks and kissed her. He kissed her hard. She held onto him, and he poured everything into that kiss. The pain of when she’d left. The sorrow of losing her again, now. The love he felt for her.
When he finally let go of her, she was out of breath.
“What now?” he asked.
Jenna shook her head. “Honestly? I have no idea. I didn’t think I’d get this far.”
Nate laughed and pulled her against him in a hug. She wrapped her arms around his waist and, finally, after years of feeling like he was walking through the desert, wandering around with a void inside of him, half of him missing, he was whole again.
15
Jenna
Jenna blew a strand of hair out of her face and pushed the box into the corner of the living room, throwing her weight into it.
“Where do you want this one?” Nate asked.
“You can take that to the spare room,” she said.
She looked around the living room. It looked different, so empty. After she had grown up in that house, having the furniture she’d known all her life gone was a strange sensation.
But it was the right thing to do. A clean slate, a new start.
Right back where she’d started.
“Have you spoken to your mom?” Nate asked, coming out of the spare room where he’d piled a stack of files for storage. He walked to Jenna and kissed her.
“Yeah,” Jenna said. “She’s complaining about the food.”
“Isn’t she allowed to cook her own in her unit?” he asked.
Jenna laughed. “Yeah, but then she’ll have nothing to complain about. The place is great, and I think she secretly loves it there. She just doesn’t want to admit that Dr. Harris was right.”
