by Piper Rayne
And when I say no one, that also included Hailey.
Once it was evident my father couldn’t give my mother the grand lifestyle she wanted after the loss of his job, she went elsewhere and looked for a man who could give her exactly that. It wasn’t long before she traded in dirty diapers for diamonds and bottles for Bentleys.
She made sure to rope in the most eligible bachelor she could get her hands on, got pregnant, and left me and my dad without a second glance.
Imagine showing up in Winnetka, Illinois, one of the most affluent neighborhoods in existence, on their doorstep with a backpack and a carryon. It took two hours to convince the butler that Jacqueline Lexington was in fact my mother, a lovely tidbit she seemingly forgot to tell her new husband, Gerald Lexington.
It took two days for them to come up with a solution that I was the poor orphan child that was in need and they, oh so graciously, took me in. I was to never refer to her as Mom and was essentially treated like their staff. If guests came over for dinner, I had to eat in my room so as not to bother them, since Jacqueline didn’t think I had the proper etiquette. “I’m sure you have lots of questions about our arrangement,” Gerald once said to me but never added in words beyond that. Now I knew firsthand an inkling of some of the experiences that Dido Elizabeth Belle went through in the 1700s.
How may I be too high in rank to dine with the servants, and too low to dine with my family?
It earned sympathy points for Jacqueline and popularity points with Gerald. I didn’t want to come here. I dreaded having to come here, but after my father died of cancer, it was either this or be put in a foster home. I regret that I didn’t select a foster home. At least then I would have had a family.
But ergo, there was the constant comparing to Hailey. In fact, the only time Jacqueline ever really talked to me was to tell me how disappointing I was, and how the reason Hailey was no longer here was because of me.
She was right, of course, she was. If I hadn’t shown up on their doorstep five years ago then maybe Hailey never would’ve gone to that party. Maybe Hailey wouldn’t have gotten into the driver’s seat completely drunk to drive herself home because I had to stay in to study. Unlike Hailey, I wasn’t given a buy-in to the university, so I had to have a beyond decent score on the ACTs. Or... maybe I just shouldn’t have told her no when she demanded that I come to get her from the party. Maybe Hailey would still be alive, and maybe, just maybe, my egg donor wouldn’t look at me as if I solely killed her daughter.
The moment I turned eighteen, I came home from school and was prohibited from going past the foyer. When I looked to my left, all my things, which weren’t much, were sitting in a few boxes. I wasn’t exactly expecting a present of any kind, but this was highly surprising. Walt, the butler and basically my only friend, gave me the saddest look as he looked away when a tear escaped his eyes. “I begged her to let you stay, and—”
I shushed him as I gave him a small smile. “It’s okay.”
“You can stay with us; we have a small room—”
“Walt,” I wiped his tears away, “it’s okay.” He looked away from me as guilt started to eat at him. “I promise, it’s okay.”
“Let me try talking to her again. I think she just needs to be talked to, to understand. She’s not thinking right, you know she never has since…” He stopped, realizing what he was about to say.
“Walt, I’m fine. I promise.”
He took his handkerchief from his pocket. “Keep in touch okay? And we’ll be there for graduation, I promise.”
I nodded as I gave him a hug, before picking up the two small boxes I had, and took them out to my 1996 Chevy Corsica. It was the only car I could afford, basically. I took a deep breath and looked up at the house to the window I often saw Jacqueline looking out of. Today was no different. She glared at me for a few seconds before finally turning and walking away. She was good at that after all.
“Perrie, this is for you.”
I turned to Walt who ran up to me with his wife, Martha. He held out a plain white envelope. I looked at him confused before opening the envelope. I stared at the money. “I know it’s not much, but Martha and I wanted to—”
I shoved the envelope back to him. “I can’t take your money.”
He shook his head as he handed it back to me, this time closing his fingers around mine. “Start your new life, but don’t forget about us. Make us proud.”
I shook my head, tears running down my face. “I love you both so much, and I’m sorry if I’ve never said it before, but I do. I love you both.” Walt and Martha never had kids, it just never happened for them. Then I came along—a scrawny, barely in her teens little girl, that yearned for some kind of affection, some semblance of love to show that I mattered or at least one person cared about me. They gave me exactly that and more.
I didn’t know it then, but that was the last time I would ever see Walt or Martha for a very long time—the only people I had in my life, that I could call family.
* * *
“Clarence, great to see you.” Gerald interrupted himself to briefly make pleasantries with someone passing by before he turned his attention back to me as I tried to tune back in to whatever he was saying. He was rambling about who knows what, to ease the tension before it dawned on me what he said. “It’s been ten years,” I whispered, afraid of being any louder than that, out of fear I may cry. “Ten years,” I said again. “You said you heard I did well at university. How? How would you have known that?”
Both of them looked at me but said nothing as Gerald I’m sure attempted to come up with something. “What did I major in?” I looked to Gerald, waiting for an answer. There was no point to even look at Jacqueline. She just stared at her tea. “You don’t even know do you? You think sending me a graduation present, which I sent back by the way, makes up for everything?”
Gerald cleared his throat. “I admit, things weren’t thoroughly thought out then. You weren’t treated fairly—”
I cut him off. “You’re just now realizing that?” I yelled not even being fazed that my voice was rising and I’m sure we were getting looks. Shaking, I reached for my tea to calm myself down, not caring that a few drops of tea from the spoon landed on the stark white tablecloth. I stared at the brown drops as they soaked into the linen. It wasn’t perfect anymore. No matter how much they cleaned the stain out, it would always be deemed perfectly imperfect.
Like me.
“You kicked me out the moment I turned eighteen. As in the very day, I turned eighteen. I came home from school to all my shit packed by the front door when I still had two weeks of school left. Most people get a cake for their birthday, I had the lovely task of trying to find a place to sleep. I needed a family. I needed someone to talk to if I was having a bad day at school. I had a sister that didn’t even know I existed when her room was across from mine! She never even knew we were sisters. She died not knowing that.” I felt the tears welling but it didn’t matter, it never did. The years of bitterness and rage that was in me was starting to come to surface. “Why did you call me here?”
Gerald sighed and stared at his hands a moment before lacing his with Jacqueline’s. “I know that apologizing won’t make up for it. And you’re right, there are things you don’t know—”
I cut him off. “I asked why did you call me here?”
He ran a hand through his hair and tensed as if whatever he had to say was truly detrimental. “Your mother…” he paused looking at her. He loved her, that much was true, and maybe Gerald even loved me, but I would never know. They had years to show me any kind of love but they didn’t, so why would I want their love now? Jacqueline placed her hands on top of his before finally looking at me for probably the first time in ten years, and if not that, then the first time since I walked into this snooty place.
“I’m sick,” she said quietly as she dabbed her eyes with the cloth napkin. I felt myself disconnecting after that. Memories of my own father being sick flooded my mind. We went t
o so many doctors and it felt like each one gave the same prognosis. Because they did.
Death.
* * *
“Ma’am? Can you hear me?”
I finally looked up at the two police officers standing in front of me. A third joined them. I’m not even sure when the third guy got here. Or was he here the whole time? Maybe he was here the whole time. He was much younger than both of the others. I looked around the small kitchen. Did I offer them anything to drink? Maybe I should offer them a drink. I didn’t even know what we had. Hell, we barely had anything. We barely spent any time home, and were practically at the hospital twenty-four seven. I moved us into the cheapest place I could find since neither of us would really even be here.
Tap water would have to do. Ugh, the tap was disgusting. They seemed nice enough to not even care that it was just tap water. Did I have clean cups? All of our glasses were still in boxes. How embarrassing. So, so embarrassing.
“Ma’am?” The first officer crouched down in front of me. “I think that you’re in shock.”
“I should make dinner, he has to have food with his medication,” I whispered. At least I think I whispered it. Something was dripping from my face, and I reached up and touched it. They were tears. Was I crying? Why was I crying?
“Ma’am, is there someone we can call for you? A family member, or your mother perhaps?”
My head snapped to his. Mother. If only I knew what that even was. I shook my head as I looked back at him. “It’s just me and my dad. He came home yesterday.” My eyes went to my dad, who was faced down on the kitchen table. His Daurismo and cytarabine pill bottles were both spilled. I quickly counted the tablets. Thirteen. There were only thirteen of the Daurismo and only three of the cytarabine. Where were the rest? These were both brand-new refills.
The second officer knelt beside the other one. “How old are you, sweetie?” I blinked at him as if the question was not only ridiculous, but I debated telling him my real age since I had to lie that I was of age just to get this apartment and the several before that.
“Ma’am, we need you to step away from the body,” one of the officers said gently. The body? What the hell did he mean by ‘the body’. It’s my dad. When he stepped toward me, I flinched, and he held up his hands to show he meant no harm.
“Ma’am, I’m so, so sorry. I really am. I know this is a horrible situation for you right now, but…” he briefly hesitated as he turned back to the other officers before looking back at me. “He’s no longer with us. I truly am sorry for your loss.”
“I was only gone for a few hours. He was fine. He was getting better!” The officer looked to the other officer in the far back. I heard myself getting louder. My hand gripped tighter to the hand that was cold to the touch on the table. I willed it to wake up. I willed it to warm up as I moved it.
Him.
“He’s so cold,” I whispered, rubbing my hand up and down his arm trying to warm him up.
“The body is cold?” the officer in front of me asked.
I frowned. “No, my dad is cold! You’re supposed to help him! Why are you just standing there?”
I stared at all the other empty pill bottles that surrounded him, and the empty bottle of whiskey. I didn’t get it. I just didn’t get it. None of this made any sense. “He wouldn’t do this,” I whispered one last time.
Yeah. He wouldn’t do this. But he did. He fucking did.
* * *
“Perrie, I know this must be completely overwhelming for you.” I slowly looked up and that’s when I noticed he was handing me a cloth napkin. Apparently, I had been crying. “We’re going to fight it. We’re going to do everything we can, that’s why we need you.”
I suddenly flinched when a hand grabbed mine. Jacqueline. I snatched my hand away and she had the nerve to look offended. “You honestly think I’m crying over you?” She started to say something but as usual, since it involved actually speaking to me, she didn’t. “What is it?” I finally asked.
“Lymphoma. So far, we’ve been doing treatment, but it’s not always successful. Her physicians have stated a bone marrow transplant would be best; however, because of Jacqueline’s rare blood type. Finding a donor is next to impossible.”
“So, you’re here to ask me for mine?”
“Precisely. We only—”
“Do you always speak for her, or does she hate me so much that she can’t speak for herself?” I suddenly snapped. Gerald shrunk back as he looked to Jacqueline. Jacqueline looked to me, eyes welling up with tears and even still, she struggled to say something. In that moment, I willed her to say something, I deserved at least that much. She was my mom, at least she was supposed to be.
She didn’t.
I left.
14
Ash
I can’t believe my cousin conned me into going with her to see Barbie on Ice. “You’ll love it, Barbie’s in it.” That was the hook presented to me to get me to go with her and my niece. And since I was damn near putty in my niece’s hands, well, here we are.
I was about to look for a way out of it when I spotted Perrie across the street. At least it looked like Perrie if I squinted hard enough. I watched as she took a long swallow from the wine bottle she had. It was Perrie. I turned to Bria. “Hey, I’ll be right back.” I didn’t wait for her to respond as I ran across the street and slowed my gait as I got closer.
“Perrie?”
She looked at me slowly, eyes glazed over as she held up the wine bottle. “It’s empty,” she said almost in a whine.
I crouched down in front of her. “What’s going on?”
“Ma’am, you can’t have an open container in the park,” an officer that approached said as he took out his pad as if he was going to write her a ticket, or worse... arrest her.
“I’ll take her home,” I rushed out.
He glared at me. “You know this person?”
I assured him I did, and that I would take full responsibility for her. After a few minutes, he finally nodded for us to go. We walked past Bria, and I whispered, “Something’s wrong.” She nodded in understanding as I helped Perrie walk to my bike. I paused. Could I trust her to hold on to me? I guess we would find out.
She stared at the ground not saying anything. Finally, she slowly lifted her head, and while she had tears in her eyes, she never let them fall. “Can you take me to get a drink?”
I nodded. That, I could do.
Taking Perrie to a bar was out of the question, so to say she was surprised when I took her back to our place was an understatement. If I didn’t know any better, I would even say she was about to throw an epic tantrum. “Calm down, rebel, I have stuff here you can drink.” She seemed to be content with that answer.
She followed me into the kitchen, and I pulled out a bottle of Jack from the freezer, and two cans of Coke. When I turned back around, Perrie was leaving the kitchen and heading into the living room with the bottle of Jack in her hands, the two cans of Coke be damned. Before she sat down, she had already taken one healthy long drink. I sat next to her, and we both stared at the huge screen in front of us. She handed me the bottle, and I took a shot. “Did you want to watch a movie or something?”
She shrugged as she reached for the bottle again. I reached over her, grabbing the remote. Fuck, she smelled good, even with the alcohol undertones. I turned on the television, flipping through random channels, before finally turning on Netflix, and choosing a comedy—A Night at the Roxbury. I laughed at the fact that I selected that one since I was dressed like that in the picture I had sent her. I figured something lighthearted might be the way to go here. I watched from the corner of my eye as she took another swig of the Jack, before she moved all her hair to one side, leaving her neck exposed on my side. She was most likely feeling the warmth from the Jack. This could either be good or bad.
She picked up the deck of cards from the coffee table and started shuffling them. She turned more to face me, and sighed, eyeing the bottle of Jack. “We have a lo
t of Jack to finish.” I didn’t miss the evil glint in her eyes as she held up the cards. “High or low?”
My eyes narrowed. I could hold my liquor, but could she? “High or low?” I repeated back to her.
“Surely, you’ve played.”
“Oh, yes I’ve played… when I was in high school.”
She rolled her eyes. “So, here are the rules” she started, clearly ignoring the fact that I told her I had played the game before. “If you guess wrong, then you drink. If you guess right, then I drink.”
I might as well feign some sort of interest. I tilted my head at her suggestion. “So, either way, we’re both going to get fucked up.” I took the cards from her, shuffling them more. I placed a card down between us face up, and another card face down. The card showing was the Ten of Hearts. She watched as my hand hovered over the card, ready to flip it over. “Higher or lower, Perrie?”
She stared at the back of the card with her brow furrowed, almost as if she was trying to see through it. She slowly licked the bottom of her lip and fuck, did I want that tongue in my mouth. She finally glanced up at me, and with a small smile, gave me her answer. “Higher.” The way she said it made her sound breathy.
Her eyes didn’t leave mine as I flipped the card over, and we both looked down at the same time. Four of Clubs. She frowned briefly, before reaching for the Jack and taking a long swig. She reached for the cards. “My turn, higher or lower than the four?”
I sat back, confident in myself. Besides, I had only three odds that it would be lower than the four. “Higher.”
She flipped the card over. “Queen of Hearts.” She sighed as she took another swig. This one longer than her previous. She abruptly stood up, lifting her sweater above her head, which left her in a tight-fitting tank top. My eyes immediately went to her hardened nipples, and I did something I didn’t think I would do. I licked my lips. I licked my fucking lips.
