by Bella Wright
“Definitely Dan,” I said, laughing. “George will make up some crazy story.”
“Guilty.” he threw up his hands. “Let’s go get a drink whilst these two talk.”
“Ellie, red wine?”
She nodded, smiling and I sank to the floor again. When I walked with George I could feel her eyes burning into my back.
I ordered my drink, at the bar, whilst we leaned against it.
“So, want to explain yourself?” he said.
I couldn't meet his eyes when I said that. “There’s something about her.”
There was a moment when he said nothing, and the sound of the bar filled my ears. Then, Unexpectedly, he patted me on the back. “If you’re happy, then that’s all that matters.”
“Wow, George, you’re softening.”
“Yea, I think you’re rubbing off on me.”
Suddenly, it seemed to me as if everything was alright. Whilst I watched her, the women I had such strong feelings for, talk to my coworker, I l leaned back against the bar, about as relaxed as I’ve ever been in my life.
I noticed, in the corner of my eye, a few girls checking me out. this wasn't anything new when you are this tall and are visibly disinterested in the women around you, it tends to attract them. Something about people wanting what they can’t have. I don’t know, either way, I felt their staring burn into me, I didn't look once, I didn't want to give them the wrong impression.
“Looks like these girls are interested, I’m gonna swoop in.” I heard George say, as he walked off to join them. It felt like he was rescuing me from them actually. And I had to laugh. I could walk into a burning building. But those drunk girls scared me more than anything.
But it wasn’t them I was scared of, as I watched Ellie vicariously write down her notes.
It was Ellie seeing me with them.
I had run the risk long enough, I decided I would go back and join Ellie and Dan. but a figure stood before me, stopping me in my tracks.
“Hey honey, haven't seen you here in a while.”
Damn, that familiar sultry voice. The only woman I had succumbed to in the last decade. This was the worst time to bump into her.
She stood in front of me but was blurred because my entire focus was over her shoulder. Trying to make sure Ellie wasn’t looking.
I didn't want to push Cassie out of the way, I'd never lay my hand on a girl, so I was trapped.
7
Ellie
“Uh-huh.” I feverishly scribbled down my notes. Whilst trying to hold back my smile. amongst the chatter around the bar and the dance music. I was listening to Dan talk about his coworker.
“It’s cliche, but he’d do anything for his friends, us, his co-workers. He’s told us before we’re his family. And even though some of us have families of our own, we all consider him a brother.”
I felt myself going red, with pride for him? I don’t know. I knew that they wouldn’t say bad things about him. But such a glowing review, it felt like he was endorsing him not just for the article, but for me.
And boy, did I feel the benefit.
Dan tried to politely stifle a belch, and that's when I realized he seemed quite inebriated. Perhaps that was why he was running his mouth so much, overly complimenting Dan. I didn't mind. When I wrote his quote, I would cut out the slurred speech.
“He cares about his job, like, really cares. Beyond what some of us at the squad are capable of.”
“What do you mean?” I raise my eyebrow, wondering where this is going.
“Well we’ve been trying to get him to settle down for years, but he's never shown any interest in dating, he’s married to his job. He thinks it’s too dangerous for a fireman to have a family. One time, when he was a bit drunk, like I am now, excuse me...”
“It’s fine.” I smiled at him but felt it falter, a quiver in the right of my lip.
“Yea, one time, he says, that he couldn’t imagine the idea of a kid growing up without a dad. And leaving his wife alone to care for him. A real hero-complex if you ask me, but you can’t deny his concerns. “
I was scribbling his words, but my thoughts were going haywire. If that's what Andy thought, Then what was I?
“But then you came along.”
But then I came along. I looked up at Dan and wondered if he knew what sort of spiral his words had just put me in.
It wasn't his fault, he was just being honest, and trying to tell me about Andy.
Could I really take Andy away from his life? His dream job? If he felt that about his job, wasn’t I just getting in the way of things?
I smiled at Dan, trying to hide the tears welling up behind my eyes. “I think I’ve got a good quote. Thank you so much, Dan.”
“You’re welcome.’ he looked a little confused. He hadn’t quite understood what had just transpired. He probably would in the morning.
I sighed, and looked over to where I thought Andy had gone. I think if I saw him it would make sense. Maybe I could even talk about it, and ask him?
I squinted my eyes, looking around for him.
He said he was at the bar, so I looked over there, but I couldn’t see him at first. Only couples.
Then my heart sank to the floor. I realized he was in one of those couples.
There he was, with this woman, this slender hot woman whose body was so close to him.
And he wasn’t pushing her away, or leaving to come back to me. He was letting her be that close to him.
I stared at him, willing him to look right back. As if he could feel my gaze and the power of my shock, he turned his gaze towards me.
Our eyes locked, and I saw the fear in his, the revelation that he had been caught.
Been caught doing what he always does, having one night stands with women he meets in bars.
I grabbed my bag and tried to stifle my tears, I didn't want Dan and his drunkenness telling Andy that I cried. I didn't want to give him that satisfaction that I cared.
I pushed my way out of the bar.
Dan said he’d never settle down and marry, but he was fine to flirt with random women.
Was that all I was? Just another one of his one night stands?
He must have so many, maybe he never thought that two would be at this bar at the same time.
But they were. Me and that skinny girl.
At least I had never let him touch me. He wouldn't get that satisfaction.
Probably just a game for him, he’s never been with a curvy girl before, I bet he wanted to see what it was like, before he went back to the usual hot women he got with.
I hailed a taxi, the taxi driver was smoking a cigarette, leaning against his window.
“Are you ok?”
He noticed the tears that were freely streaming down my face.
“I’m fine.” as I climbed into the taxi, he got in and handed me a tissue. “Thank you.”
I told him the address I wanted to go to.
Whilst I got my phone out and searched for Charlotte's name in my contacts.
She answered imminently.
“Hey, were you asleep?”
“Asleep? she almost yelled, laughing. “Of course not, I've been wondering how you’ve been getting on! I haven't heard from you.”
“Oh.”
“Wait, what's wrong?” she was concerned now, noticing the tone of my voice. “You don’t sound happy?”
“I’ll see you soon.’
“Alright, I’ve got a hot cup of cocoa with your name on it.”
I smiled. “That sounds great.”
8
Andy
We were looking right at each other, and then a few people walked between our line of vision.
She was gone. Only Dan was at the table.
Cassie, my former one night stand, had just poked me in the chest. “I’m talking to you, don't you think you can get away from me so easily.”
My lips went tight, I had to deal with this first. “Cassie, I had a lovely time with you, but it was a long ti
me ago. I don't think we’re right for each other. I think I've been more than clear.”
Cassie laughed. “I know you’re not right for me. But that night, you did everything right, you think I can forget about that so easily?’
I felt anger rising, how clearer could you be with a person?
I glanced over her shoulder and felt my phone vibrate.
Pulling it out, I saw a text from Dan. “You might want to get over here. She just ran off, she looked like she was about to cry.”
I looked Cassie dead in the eyes now. “Please, get out of my way, I don't feel the same way about you, I’ve been more than clear.”
She held her hands up in defense. “Alright, I'm sorry! Message taken, I was just having a little fun.”
But she was out of my way now. And I ran towards the table.
“Where did she go?”
“I'm sorry, man, I messed up.”
“Wait, what?” What did he mean?
“I told her too much, I think I drank too much. I said about how you’d never settle down with a family, ‘cause you’re married to your job, you know. The stuff you probably shouldn’t tell someone your friend is interested in. and it upset her, she stormed off.”
“Oh.”
“I'm really sorry man.”
I patted him on the back. “It’s all I’ve been saying for the last twenty years, don’t blame yourself for just repeating my words.” I sighed.
So she had heard my biggest fears and turned tail. It had nothing to do with a woman standing in front of me. I had assumed too much.
And maybe she was right, I had let this fantasy go on for so long, I haven't acknowledged the truth.
That I could never settle down with a family.
And Ellie. With her, I had to be with her forever. Or be heartbroken and let her be happy with someone else.
Because what was happiness when it could be so fleeting for her? I would be dead, I wouldn't have to deal with it.
And even though, every instinct told me I needed to go to her. I didn't
When George brought the drinks over, I grabbed the pint of beer and near downed it.
“What are you doing?” Dan asked me, surprised I hadn't run after her.
“Drowning my sorrows.”
“Ah,” George said, not fully following, but he patted me on the back, supporting me all the same. As family should.
I looked at the guys and smiled. They were the only family I'd ever have.
And the drinks flowed.
Slowly but surely, I started to get Ellie out of my mind.
Did I say out? Really, all I was doing was pushing her to the back of it. The more I drank, the more she blurred.
But she was always there. Willing me to stop drinking and run to her. And yet I didn't. I just kept drinking.
Even if I wanted to go to her now, which I did, very much. I knew that I was in no fit state to do so. And to do it now would only make it worse.
So I drank some more.
And then she came back.
No, not Ellie.
Cassie.
“Hey, thought I’d give you another go.”
She twirls her manicured finger around my chest, I look down at it.
Then I take her hand.
9
Ellie
It was the next day.
Last night, I had against my best judgment, told Charlotte I didn't want to talk about it. So instead, she fed me ice cream and we watched a few comedies on tv. It worked pretty well to get my mind off everything.
And then we got a bottle of red wine and got very drunk.
So now, there, I was, nursing a hangover, and I felt pretty compelled to tell her.
As I sat on her couch.
“He doesn’t have relationships,” I said, sighing. “He’s not that kinda guy.”
“Oh dear.” She looked sympathetic and rubbed my arm. I smiled at my friend, I wouldn't have wanted anyone else to be with me in this trying time.
I stared up at the ceiling. “So I was stupid for thinking he ever wanted one with me.”
“Did he say he didn't?” she asked me.
And there she went again, being all logical. “Well no, but his friends basically did.”
I twiddled my fingers nervously. And then started pulling off loose threads of my sweater.
“What is it?” She said, squinting her eyes at me.
“What?” I exclaimed with far too much surprise then was necessary.
“There’s something else, you’re clearly leaving something out.”
It was true, I had avoided telling her about that other woman.
I was embarrassed about it.
She climbed off her chair and sat right next to me, grabbing my hand.
“Go on, you can tell me.”
And I found myself, instead of wanting to cry, turning red with rage. I was long past the crying stage. “He was talking to another woman, at the bar!”
“Holy cow, right next to you?”
“No, I was at the table talking to his friend, and I saw them.”
“Talking?”
“More than talking, their bodies were so close together, either they knew each other or they were about to know each other, I wouldn’t be surprised if he was in bed with her right now. I’m telling you, I know what I saw.”
She rubbed my arm sympathetically again. “I'm sorry.”
“It's fine. Put it this way, I'm glad I found out now before I did something I regretted.
Before he had a chance to use me.”
“Yea, that's a really good way of looking at it. You got out before you got hurt.”
I wanted to laugh. ‘Well, only hurt a little, I'd be lying if I said I wasn't a little heartbroken.”
And that was when I felt the tears come. I had been holding them in.
“A lot heartbroken.” I said. “I thought he was… I don’t know what I thought. But I’ll never let my guard down again.”
10
Andy
My god, my head felt like a truck ran over it.
Pounding, slamming pain, seeming to just cascade.
I needed water, the desert in my mouth called for it.
I reached over to my nightstand, thanking god that it found a glass there. I then thanked drunk Andy. who put it there last night.
At least he could do this one thing right.
My eyes opened wide.
Last night.
What did I do?
I looked at the empty side of my bed. Was she still there?
Please god no. I sat up.
“Ow!” that sent me into vertigo. I shouldn’t have done that so fast.
But the memories started coming back, of last night. Like I was watching it on a tv in my mind, the picture started forming.
She had approached me, and put her hand on my chest. Looked down in surprise at first. Then I grabbed her hand. And asked her, in my slurred speech.
No, I didn't ask her, I told her.
Quite angrily in fact. And it would've been scary if I wasn’t such a slurring drunk. “Fuck off, you’re not Ellie.” Then I stumbled a little and my friends decided it was time to call it a night. They were pretty drunk, but they had nothing on me, so they were the ones that called me a taxi.
I went red hot with shame. Last night was completely humiliating. Undignified.
But I was so drunk and I still rejected Cassie, even after Ellie storming off. That made it so clear to me then, despite my throbbing hangover.
I needed Ellie.
And then I felt guilty. So much guilt about Ellie. She stormed off because she saw me with that woman, and because of what Dan said. And how simple would it have been to just go after her? To explain to her how I felt. And say that Cassie was nothing to me.
All I had to do was explain to her that I loved her. And that despite every apprehension I'd never had for being in a relationship. I was ready to break that for her.
I could figure something out. I didn't have to be a f
ireman forever. I was getting on in years, there were plenty of other things I could do in the squad that were not fighting fires. Call it a kind of semi-retirement. I could train new recruits. Sending new firemen out into the world, to replace me.
I would do it for her. I needed to tell her how I felt.
I swung my legs out of bed and stood up. That was when I immediately fell back down onto the bed. What I needed was to drink someone more water, and have a cup of coffee.
Coffee made, I sipped and it invigorated me.
First things first, I needed to call Ellie. I pressed the button and watched it ring.
It rang, and rang, but she didn't answer. Which of course was entirely to be expected.
I rang again. The same amount of rings, then no answer. She wouldn't pick up to me. And I didn't blame her. Me not running after her probably confirmed everything she thought.
I needed a gesture, to show her what I felt. I needed a little help from my friends.
I rang Dan.
Immediately he answered in anger. “What!” He probably felt as worse than I did, without a quest for love sobering him up.
“Dan, I need a favor. It’s for Ellie.”
“Right.’ he said, I imagined him rubbing his forehead and scowling. “What do you need?” he asked.
Straight away, he was ready to help me. A good friend. He probably felt some guilt about last night too, I didn’t think it was his fault.
“I need to waste a few more company resources. We still have that spare truck right? It wouldn’t be putting anyone in danger if we took it?”
“It’s not fit for use, but it drives. Why?”
“Well, I’ve got an idea.”
11
Ellie
“He stopped ringing.”
“Good. he got the message.”
I watched the phone on the table. Even though it has stopped vibrating and flashing. I didn't want it to.
