I finally got up the nerve to ask Layce to come over. Not to spend the night, but just to hang out. It’s been three days since THAT NIGHT. I was starting to get scared she hated me or something. But she doesn’t. I was so nervous. I think she was, too. She wouldn’t come inside the house and kept asking where my mom was. We haven’t mentioned what happened since the night it happened. I’m worried she’s ashamed or having second thoughts or something. I’m not, though. We took a blanket out to our secret meadow and we hung out there, and I almost couldn’t get my nerve up to say or do anything. At first, we just lay there and talked a little and watched the sky. But I had to kiss her again. There was no way I could have not kissed her again. It was all I could think about. And when I did, it was like an invisible force pulled us together. There is no other way to describe it. When I looked at her, we just floated together as if there was no way to prevent it. And I didn’t want to. I couldn’t. And we had sex. The guys are always talking about how two women together can’t have “real” sex because “real” sex consists of penetration. Well, they don’t know what they’re talking about. If what Layce and I did isn’t sex, I don’t know what sex is. Not that I have done it with anyone else yet. But I know what I’m talking about. Wait. You know what? We didn’t have sex, we made love. That’s what it was and it was perfect. Oh my god. Oh my god. Oh my god. I can’t even describe what it feels like to touch her and to let her touch me. It’s indescribable. And, besides, I don’t want kissing or sex to define us anyway. God, it was great, but even when we just sit quietly not even talking and feeling comfortable it’s good, too. I am so happy. I never knew I could feel this way.
I can’t fucking believe it. Fuck! Fuck! Fuck! Layce called me tonight to apologize for what happened. She acted ashamed and told me it wasn’t right. I thought maybe we would talk about it, but I never expected her to apologize. Not after what happened. Not after how we were together. She acted all noble and said she accepted responsibility…blah, blah, blah. What the eff? She didn’t even take into consideration my feelings. She said we should try to hang out with other people. Not apart, but with other people around us so it doesn’t happen again. What is she? My prison warden? Does she think I can’t control myself? I feel like an idiot. I honestly thought she felt some of the things I did. I told her to eff off. I didn’t mean it. Well, I did, but I didn’t. I was hurt and I reacted badly. I can’t even think clearly. It hurts so much I can barely breathe. I can’t breathe. Death would feel better than this. How could she be so stoic about it? How could she look at me so softly one minute and so coldly another? How does someone do that? She is seriously fucked up. Or is it me? This hurts so much. I can’t breathe.
Layce won’t talk to me. I apologized for telling her to eff off, but she doesn’t care. She must be really grossed out about what happened. I’m surprised, but if it’s how she feels… I’ll wait for her to figure things out if I have to. God I love her. As a friend and more… but if she can’t handle it, I can’t make her. Besides I’ve been thinking, there is no way my mom will accept it. Especially if I go into politics, which who knows, I still might do. Being gay is political suicide. And who wants to go to a gay doctor? But if Layce comes to me and tells me she loves me, I will be with her in a heartbeat. I don’t care about my career. She is way more important than anything else. We could run away to Bolivia or Peru or something. We could live in a box for all I care. But until/if she decides, I will be her best friend. I just wish she would talk to me again. I wish I could kiss her and hold her, too. But if I can be her friend again, I’ll gladly take it. Anything is better than this silent treatment she’s giving me.
My mom is making me go to the dance with Kev. He and I have been hanging out a lot more these days. I finally told him about Layce. It’s been weeks since Layce and I did that stuff and I really needed to talk to someone. He was so shocked, but he didn’t say anything shitty. I can tell him anything. I think he sort of suspected anyway. I wonder why I never suspected myself. Anyway. I have to go to the dance and I don’t want to, but if I have to, I’m glad it’s with Kev. I hope Layce goes with us, but it’s unlikely.
Layce and I are friends again. It’s weird but I’d rather have the friendship than nothing. I won’t even hope for more… well maybe a little. OK a lot. But it’s up to her.
4B read the entries and felt the manic-depressive ups and downs of her teenaged self. Just reading the passages made her heart ache in memory.
Yes!
Real memory!
She remembered the old ache for the one thing she wanted more than anything else, and was afraid to ask for. She hadn’t read those pages since she had torn them out all those years ago, after it became apparent to her Layce didn’t want her. She remembered how embarrassed she had been, how scared she’d been about the possibility of her mother finding the pages, but she couldn’t bear to throw them away. So, she’d tucked them behind the leather, along with the whole event.
Another memory assailed her then, a memory she’d rather not have recovered, a moment in her life she would never have written down. This memory came from a darker place than the hidden spot behind the leather cover.
Time had passed and high school was almost over. She and Kev had been dating for several months, and she and Layce were in their last year of high school. They’d found a comfortable peace and had settled back into a close friendship—mostly. There were still some odd moments of discomfort and sometimes they fought about little things because they didn’t talk about the unspoken thing that hung between them. But mostly, they tried to be careful to not tread on sensitive territory.
One day, Layce and she had been sharing an embrace after one of their many fights. It had been over Thanksgiving break because Kev was home from his first year in college and she remembered how cold it had been outside. They were standing between their cars in the driveway of Elizabeth’s parents’ house and Layce had been leaning with her back against her car while Elizabeth leaned against her. Her head was buried in Layce’s neck. Suddenly Kev was there and he grabbed Elizabeth’s hand, pulling her toward his car. He didn’t say a word. He just put her in the passenger seat and sped away. It was dark. He found a quiet road and he drove.
Elizabeth just sat there looking out the windshield. She wasn’t scared. Kev wasn’t a scary guy. But she was a little angry at the way he’d just come and grabbed her, treating her like she was his property or something. It wasn’t cool, and not like him at all. Knowing it wasn’t like him diminished some of her anger. Not all of it, but some. She wondered what he wanted to talk about. When he turned to her in the dark and looked at her, she just kept looking forward.
“What the hell was that all about?” he demanded.
“I don’t know what you’re talking about, Kev. What the hell is the matter with you?”
“She’s what’s the matter with me. You’re supposed to be my girlfriend, but you barely touch me. And then you go hanging all over her in public. That’s what’s the matter with me.”
“You don’t know what you’re talking about. My driveway isn’t in public. We had a fight. She was just hugging me because I was upset. It’s what best friends do.”
“Do best friends fuck each other?”
“What?” asked Elizabeth finally turning to him and seeing the anger in his face. She also smelled alcohol. “Are you drunk?”
“I had a few beers with the guys. They think you and Layce are fucking each other.”
“Take me home. I don’t want to become a statistic in a drunk driving public service announcement.” Kev seemed to hear her concern, but instead of heading home, he pulled the car to the side of the road, turned off the ignition, and turned off the lights. The sudden silence pressed upon them as they each stared out the front windshield. Elizabeth listened to the ticking of the cooling engine and the creaking of Kev’s fists working against the steering wheel as he gripped and ungripped the leather-encased plastic. The waves of oppressive judgment coming from the other side of the car
filled her with anger. “They talk about us? You talk about us to them?”
“Sure they do. Everyone does. They say she’s a dyke and that she’s fucking you.”
“They’re ignorant assholes who don’t know what they’re talking about.”
“Are you fucking her, too? If you aren’t fucking her anymore, then why aren’t you fucking me more often?”
“Is that what all of this is about? Is it because I won’t jump your bones as soon as you walk into town on your school breaks? I wish I hadn’t told you about her and me. I thought I could talk to you. I thought you’d be cool.”
“What is it then? We’ve officially been going out for over a year, and I can count on both hands how many times you’ve slept with me. Shit, most of the time, you won’t let me get past second base.”
Elizabeth couldn’t believe what she was hearing. He’d turned to face her and was staring at her and she looked away. He knew how confused she’d been about Layce and how devastated she’d been when Layce had told her they should just be friends. He’d known how hurt she’d been. After she’d told him all of it, after she’d let their relationship progress to boyfriend and girlfriend, she wondered why he felt like he could say the things he was saying now.
“Why, Elizabeth? Are you giving it all to that dyke?”
“Take me home.”
“Answer me, Elizabeth.”
“I said take me home.”
“I need to know!” he said, and before she knew what was happening, he had climbed over the console between them and was on top of her. He lay upon her and kissed her roughly, the scent of his cologne and beer assailed her. She tried to turn her head away, to get away from the nauseating smells, but he held her face between both hands, hurting her ears, his mouth pressing against her, his sparse stubble scratching her face.
“Stop it, Kev! Get off of me!”
“Not until you tell me if you’re fucking her!”
“I already told you I’m not!”
“I don’t believe you,” he said as he put his hand up her shirt and grabbed her breast.
“No! Kev, don’t do this!”
He suddenly stilled and pulled his hand out of her shirt. His head dropped and he panted against her neck. He held himself away, removing the hardness she’d felt grow against her trapped legs.
“I’m sorry. I’m sorry,” he whispered. “Why won’t you let me be with you, Elizabeth?”
Elizabeth didn’t know what to say. They had never talked about it. After she had allowed him to make love to her a few weeks after they had officially started going out, she more often than not moved his hands from her breasts when he’d tried to take things beyond kissing. She just wasn’t into sex like all of her friends. Despite his frustration, he’d always been a gentleman about it. He’d never tried to force anything.
Elizabeth put her arms around him and kissed the side of his head, and when he lifted his face from her shoulder, she could see the pain in his eyes. She pulled his head down and kissed him. When she reached down to rub the subsiding thickness in his pants he had been surprised, but he had let her unzip his pants and take him in her hand. He had even lifted himself off of her so she could slide her own shorts down. It had been fast, and she had initiated every move until he collapsed against her. But when he reached down to touch her, to give her relief, she had lied and told him she had come when he had. After that, she had let him have sex with her any time she sensed he wanted to, which really wasn’t that often. If she couldn’t be with Layce, she might as well be with the one everyone had chosen for her.
Later, when Layce had finally admitted she had feelings for her, it had been impossible for her to go back. She’d made her decision in the car with Kev, and by then, she’d known that Kev was going to ask her to marry him. She knew her parents expected her to say yes—everyone expected her to say yes. She had the perfect life mapped out for her. She was terrified of disappointing any of them, terrified of losing Layce’s friendship if she couldn’t handle the pressure of going against the grain. So, she’d stayed on track, going the route expected of her, burying her wants and her heart along the way.
Old memories and feelings swept through her. She put the pages on top of the stack of journals and picked up the folded note. She turned it over and over in her hands before she slowly opened it, pulled the tucked corner from its slot, unfolded the single page and smoothed it open in front of her. A sense of anticipation rose in her, even though she’d memorized the words long ago. The paper bore a map of faded wrinkles, as if it had been crumpled up and smoothed out, once upon a time. There were some torn edges. The scars worn by the paper were the only physical evidence of the pain she’d experienced back then, but based on the longing and hurt surging within her, the paper had weathered much better than Elizabeth’s heart. She read the letter Layce had written to her the day after their kiss at the boat club.
Eliza-
I don’t know what to say. I kissed you. Wow. I never expected it to happen, but I’ve dreamed about it for years. You’re always on my mind. You’re everything I want. So, now you know my secret. What happened didn’t seem one-sided, but maybe it’s wishful thinking. I hope you’ll let me know. Above everything else, I hope you’re okay.
I love you, and I hope that whatever happens between us from here on, that no matter what, we always remain friends- hopefully more- but always friends. I’d die if I didn’t have you in my life.
Please call me.
Love,
Layce
Below the note, on the same page but in a different ink, the same neat boxy script formed a postscript. A chill ran through Elizabeth like the one she’d felt all those years ago when she’d first read it.
(Eliza- I left this on your windshield the day after the sleepover. Your mother answered the door and gave it back to me a couple days later when I got up the nerve to go see you when you didn’t call. She didn’t say a word, just handed the note back to me. I left without seeing you. But then you called me and then we went to our meadow and…well, wow. I’ve relived that time in my head a thousand times. I really thought we’d figure things out. But when I came by the next day, your mother looked at me with such hate, like she knew what had happened and was repulsed by it. She told me to leave you alone, to not ruin your life.... I’ve kept it all this time, thinking maybe I’d give it to you in person. Maybe we could figure it out together. Anyway, I know that’s not gonna happen now. So don’t tell me you were the only one to suffer. You have no idea. No idea.)
4B read the note another time and thought back to the day Layce had given it to her—no, thrown it at her. It had been after yet another argument. They always seemed to start the same, with Elizabeth accusing Layce of being insensitive by not showing up when she said she would, or showing up drunk with some girl and making a scene. This fight had been the worst though. This one had almost killed their friendship forever.
It had been the 4th of July right after she and Layce had graduated from Harvard. The summer had started off shaky because Kev had been pissed that Elizabeth had chosen to go to med school at Johns Hopkins instead of moving to California to be closer to him at Stanford. But Elizabeth had listed all of the reasons she wanted to go to Johns Hopkins—except the real one, that it was closer to Layce—and Kev had finally seemed to accept it. He’d even stopped being an asshole when Elizabeth and Layce made plans to do things that didn’t include him during their break.
Before going down to the marina that evening to watch the annual fireworks display with the rest of the town, she and Layce had spent the day swimming at Layce’s house. Kev, for once, had other plans, so it was just them, and Elizabeth had been glad for the alone time with Layce. But Layce had been picking fights all day. Finally, after ignoring it for hours, Layce had made one crack too many and Elizabeth had thrown the sunscreen she’d been holding at Layce. Layce had responded by throwing it back and glaring at her from one of the chaise lounges by the pool. When Elizabeth had asked her what her prob
lem was, Layce finally told her Kev was planning on asking Elizabeth to marry him during the fireworks display that night and she wasn’t okay with it. Elizabeth had been shocked. She’d been clear about not wanting to even talk about getting married until after she was done with med school, which was years away. She’d told Layce she was wrong. She said Kev knew she had no intention of getting married in the next few years. But Layce had told her Kev had bought the ring at her father’s jewelry store earlier in the week and he’d even told her dad he was pretty sure she’d end up changing schools to go to Stanford once she was wearing it.
Chasing Mercury Page 33
