by Lainey Davis
He laughs. "Basically." Neal shifts in the bed and reaches to throw out the condom. "I told you before, though. You're good at explaining that shit. Every time you say 'logarithm' I get a hard on."
I smack his chest, but think back to my conversation in Professor Meyer's office earlier. I begin to absent-mindedly run my fingers along Neal's body as I worry about whether to tell him the newly-heightened stakes of his math performance.
"Hey, Neal, remember how I told you my funding is tied into working with you?" He closes his eyes and grunts, but I know he's heard me. "Your coach went to visit my department chair today."
He opens his eyes and rolls over to look at me, suddenly very attentive. "Coach Thomas?"
I nod, continuing. "He was thrilled with how well you did in class. Everyone is really, really glad you did well on that mid-term. I guess there's like a bunch of filthy rich alumni looking to give money to the school if the hockey team keeps doing well."
This is not information that's new to him. I can see his attention waning again, and as he reaches for my breast I know I'm about to lose his focus. "Neal, they told me if you pass your final, they're going to arrange for me to get PhD funding working with the hockey team at Penn."
His hand freezes and his eyes turn cold. I feel him take in a breath and pause before exhaling, slowly. He scoffs and shakes his head. "They've sucked you in, too, huh?"
"What do you mean?"
He starts to sit up and puts his head in his hands, pulling back on his curly hair. "It's all about money to them, Dahlia. They only fucking care about the team because we bring in the big bucks. Do you think they'd really be paying your tuition if they weren't earning it back ten-fold from the TV deals? Make no mistake about it, babydoll. You're their bitch now every bit as much as me."
His voice is angry and I can tell whatever I've said has upset him. I feel concerned, and put a hand on his back. He turns, sharply, and says, "Oh, they'll make your dreams come true. Don't fucking worry about that. Jesus. Don't fucking do it, Dahlia. Don't take their money."
I don't even know what to say to him. "Neal, I've got nothing without this work-study job, ok? Nothing. I basically have to forge my worthless, drunk-ass dad's signature on the forms to even get this financial aide."
His face is softer now and he rubs my back. "I know how they rope you in. You think I could be here at SCU without a full ride for hockey? Look, it's just a lot of pressure is all."
I sigh and burrow into the covers. I'm suddenly feeling exhausted, but my body snaps to attention when I feel Neal's hand reaching up my leg. "What are you doing?" I ask him, one eyebrow raised.
He grins. "I've got two rubbers left, baby. You're not going to sleep yet."
~~~
Somewhere in the middle of the night, I slipped into exhausted sleep with Neal, crammed into the twin bed in my apartment. I felt torn about this, because while I found (to my surprise) that I wanted him to stay and sleep next to me, I was terrified someone would see him leaving my building in the morning. I really, really can't have anyone on the athletic staff or academic faculty find out that I crossed this line with my tutoring client.
Neal sort of took things out of my hands by falling asleep, and even though I tried to shake him awake a few times, he was out cold with his massive arm hugging me against his body. I spent a few minutes just enjoying the feel of his warm skin, and the next thing I know, his phone is vibrating like mad somewhere in his jeans on my floor.
He sits up and starts rubbing his eyes. I look at my clock radio and see that it's 5:30. "What the hell, Neal? Turn that thing off," I hiss at him. I don't need to be awake for another 3 hours at least, and I'm sure by now Linda can hear the sounds of Neal's belt buckle dancing across the hardwood as the vibrating phone shakes his jeans.
He's out of bed now, yanking on his clothes. "Duty calls," he says as he pulls his hat down, not even bothering to smooth the curls sticking out all over his head. I watch Neal tying his shoes in the glow of the streetlamp coming in through my blinds, and he looks exactly like he was up all night long having sex. I smile at this and notice a soreness between my legs.
I'm not going to be able to walk normally today, I realize, and this awareness gives me a thrill that surprises me. Neal drops a kiss on my forehead before leaving my room, and I'm surprised by this gesture, too. I really thought he'd leave as soon as we finished last night. Him sleeping here, I could chalk up to exhaustion. But the kiss? His lips were soft and his fingers curled into my hair as he pressed his lips into me. Not just a peck. It was a kiss goodbye. Surely that was a bit more than he would do for a random hookup?
I hear the apartment door shut behind him and I can't help but feel remorse, because this can never happen again. I've got too much riding on this. Like Neal said, it's a lot of pressure. But that kiss…
Eventually I fall back asleep, and am awoken a few hours later not by my alarm, but by Linda jumping on the edge of my bed. She kicks my leg, shouting, "Dahlia, wake your ass up and talk to me."
I open an eye and pull the sheets up over my naked chest as she plunks down beside me. "I. Heard. You. Last night. He was obviously still here when I got home!"
I groan and pull a pillow over my face, embarrassed that Linda heard me in bed with Neal. "He just left this morning," I whisper, as if he could hear me.
Linda smiles. "So it was good, right?"
I keep my face buried in the pillow and try to talk through the downy material. "Linda, it was…I didn't know what sex was supposed to feel like before that. I think he's ruined me for other men."
She laughs and eventually we grab breakfast before walking to campus together. She agrees that this shouldn't happen again. There is too much at risk, and if Professor Meyer gets word, the best case scenario is that they'd assign another tutor to Neal. Which would, of course, leave me without a funding stream.
She thinks for a moment. "There's what? 8 weeks left this semester? Just don't fuck him again until after finals and then you can spend all spring term doing booty calls if you want."
I shrug. "I'm sure it won't be a problem. I mean, why would he want to sleep with me again? He said he had a thing for my geek shirt, so he probably just wanted this one night with a nerd. These guys aren't known for sticking around." As I say it, I know it's true. I've seen the girls in their leggings and fur boots, hanging around the hockey arena. I've seen them at bars and I've seen them at parties, half naked. Neal Sweeney isn't the type for long-term love. He and his teammates are all about notching bedposts.
"Well, Dahlia," she says, "It's not like you're famous for long-term relationships, either." I scoff at this. "What? It's true, girl. You kick them to the curb after you have sex with them once."
I wince as I move my legs, the evidence of last night very present. "Maybe I would have stuck around with any of those dweebs if they knew what they were doing in bed." We both burst into laughter at this.
We head into the math building. We have our first class together and as soon as the professor walks in, I can feel my relaxation slip away as student mode takes over. I'm back in the zone where I feel most comfortable: controlled, studious, professional.
Chapter Six
"Hey, Dahlia, what are we doing for Halloween?" Linda looks up from our homework session. "The guys in 410 want to hit up frat row and asked if we'd go."
Frat row. I wrinkle my nose at this idea. I checked out those frat parties freshman year. I am just not into that scene. I'd much rather hang out with a small group of friends and talk where we could hear one another, not shout above music.
"Oh, come on. It's our last Halloween as irresponsible youth. I'm texting Tim that we'll go."
"Fine, but I'm not wearing a 'sexy' something costume," I say.
"Suit yourself, girl," Linda laughs. I think she has a thing for Tim from upstairs. It's been just over a week since The Night, as Linda and I have been calling it, and apparently Linda spent that whole time in a deep discussion with Tim at the Tap Room when I basically kicked her out of the
apartment.
I know they've been hanging out in the evenings all week, too. I've had my nose to the grindstone, spending all day in class and then tutoring Neal in the Earl in between his games and practice sessions. Much like the incident in the library, we act as if nothing has happened and don't mention our night together. Something has definitely shifted between us, though, because Neal is flirty with me all the time, and I surprise myself by returning the mood.
I whisper "logarithm" to him just to see if he was telling the truth, and I smile when he throws his pencil at me. It goes back and forth this way, him calling me "wild eyed woman" and muttering as he works on problems. Yet we still manage to work our way through the material. The last homework set we went over, Neal didn't even need a single prod from me to get the problems right.
The day before Halloween, he and I are sitting in one of the office rooms in the hockey building. I think these are rooms where coaches meet with new recruits and their parents. There's a group of chairs and a small table. It's perfect for study sessions, but of course I don't like to bring Neal in here because…well, because of what happens with Neal when we're alone together in private. I left the door open while we work and I'm actually reading a book while he does problems, because he doesn't seem to need my help. Suddenly, I feel him whacking me in the arm with his pencil. I look up over the page. "You need help?"
He grins. "I was just remembering what you look like naked."
I immediately flush deep red. "Jesus, Neal. Knock it off."
I feel like I've given him some sort of entrance. He starts poking my leg with the pencil and says, "I remember grabbing hold of your round ass while I sank my dick in your pussy."
My awful nipples betray me and stiffen immediately as I, too, remember the feel of his hands kneading the flesh of my butt. I grit my teeth. "This. Can. Not. Happen."
He hits my arm with the pencil again, and I push back from the table, arms crossed and hopping mad. He looks over his shoulder and leans back in his chair, shutting the door to the classroom. I move to get up and open it again, but he takes my arm and starts rubbing it. "I thought you said you don't come in these rooms for tutoring, Dahlia."
I glower at him, hating myself right now. "All the chairs were full out in the common room." I start to pack up my stuff to leave. "You seem to have a pretty firm grip on this material, Neal. Let me know how your quiz goes tomorrow."
He tugs on the hem of my shirt and looks up at me. I stand frozen beside him, knowing I need to leave now or deeply regret it later. He says, in a quiet voice, "Could you walk that day after I left your room? Or did I fuck you raw?"
I feel a flood of arousal course through my body as my skin turns, if possible, an even darker shade of red. I can feel the flush from my arms to my ears now. I look away and don't answer him.
"You had sex before that, right?"
I roll my eyes, still staring at the wall. I keep my gaze anywhere but his face. "Of course I did, Neal. I would have told you if I was a virgin."
His thumb is on the bare skin of my stomach now, prodding, rubbing. "But?"
I sigh, exasperated, but I meet his eye and yank the shirt free, shoving his hands off my body. "It was just…it was just the first time I enjoyed it, ok?"
I see his face shift, an expression of pure delight causing him to smile, which I find confusing. Everything about this interaction confuses me. This is definitely not how I expected him to act after a one-night stand. He claps his hands and slaps them on the table. "So what you're saying is that I gave you the best sex of your life?" He pumps his fist in the air.
I roll my eyes at him and keep walking toward the door. "I refuse to answer that question," I say, but then he grabs my hand.
His fingers rub my palm as he looks up at me, his eyes soft. All signs of teasing are gone from his face. "I'm glad I made you feel good, Dahlia."
I swallow and look at him, open the door a few inches, and say, "Neal. It was amazing, ok. I didn't even know my body could feel that way. But it. Can't. Happen. Again."
I start to walk away, and he yells after me, "Whatever you say, Dahlia."
I'm so shaken up by this encounter that I storm home and tell Linda we're definitely going to join the guys on Frat Row. "I'm going to get stinking drunk and forget myself," I say in a huff.
"Sure you are, friend." I start to tell her about what happened, but I stop. I still don't understand it. On the one hand, I'm desperately attracted to Neal. On the other hand, I cannot allow myself to be and Linda would just chastise me if she knew I crossed the line with him. On another hand, there's no way someone like Neal sees what we did as anything other than a one-time thing. But yet…there was that kiss goodbye. And the way he touched my hand in the office today. Most likely he's just looking for another fuck session. He's probably slept with 5 or 10 different women since we had sex.
I sigh and tell Linda I have a headache. It's not even really a lie.
I'm still in a foul mood the next evening when we start to get ready for the party. True to my word, I wear jeans and my pi shirt, with a paper pumpkin pinned above the pi symbol. Linda rolls her eyes at me and yanks out her old Catholic school uniform. It's way too small for her, which she says is the point.
We meet the guys in their apartment before walking to the row of frat houses a few blocks away. They're dressed like the guys from Breaking Bad. They confess they nabbed hazard suits from one of the science labs. We laugh for awhile and talk about how much we all loved that show. I decline a shot, but I do let Jeremy hand me a beer. The two of us look at each other knowingly in the kitchen. It's obvious Tim and Linda are going to hook up. I hope Jeremy doesn't think I'm going to sleep with him…
The guys are actually really nice. It's good to talk with them as we make our way through the crisp air to the row of old mansions. I can't even begin to imagine how these houses have been befouled over the years of housing fraternities. We can smell the old cigarette smoke and spilled beer from a block away. "God, what must it be like to be in one of those houses during the daytime," Jeremy asks. We all shudder at the thought.
"You guys sure you wouldn't rather just get a table and hang out at the Tap Room?" I give one final attempt, but Jeremy pulls on my hand as Linda and Tim skip through the front door of the Kappa house. It's not too bad inside the party. It's still pretty early, so it's not terribly loud or crowded. The four of us claim a corner in one of the rooms. Linda and Tim bring us some beers and she reminds me of my promise to get wasted.
Jeremy smiles and says, "I didn't know Dahlia got wasted."
I shake my head. "I don't. Maybe tonight I'll have three drinks instead of two."
We all laugh and a few minutes later, I actually find myself having fun on the dance floor. Linda and Tim are really dirty dancing by this point, and I get swept up in the mood when Jeremy slips an arm around my waist. I let him pull me against his body and dance, swinging my hips with his and letting my head drop back.
I'm not even drunk, just for once letting myself get caught up in the mood. Jeremy's hands are splayed across my hips now and I let myself enjoy his touch. He's nice, I decide, even if the lack of spark compared to what I felt with Neal is a palpable absence. I can tell Jeremy wants me. He's a guy who is great on paper, and I've just about convinced myself to give him a shot.
I open my eyes then and see something that takes my breath away. Standing across the room, I see four hulking guys in hockey jerseys and helmets. Glaring through the face mask, I see the piercing blue eyes of a very angry Neal Sweeney.
He lifts off the helmet and tucks it under his arm but continues to glare at me. I have no idea what makes me do it, but I smile at him and grab hold of Jeremy's hand. I pull him closer to me, really letting him grind up on me as we dance. He's jealous of Jeremy, I realize. The thrill of this power, the ability to make Neal feel jealous, is exhilarating. It all starts to feel overwhelming, though, when I remember that Neal is a hotshot athlete with a reputation as a lady killer…and also my tutoring c
lient who is totally off limits. It's probably better if I keep dancing with Jeremy, but suddenly the moment feels spoiled.
I step away from him and start to move toward Linda, but I look up again and see Tyler and the hockey guys walking over, pulling Neal along.
"Hey, math girl," Tyler shouts. "Cute shirt, Dahlia. Pumpkin pie."
Neal's nostrils are flaring. He stands there glowering and looking like he's about to get in a fight on the ice. I smile at Tyler and say, "I see you guys went all out on your costumes this year. Tyler, this is my roommate, Linda, and our friends Tim and Jeremy."
Jeremy is obviously very excited to meet the hockey players. He starts pumping Tyler's hand. "Good to meet you, man. We come to all your games. S! C! U!" Tim seems equally excited and they all stand around introducing themselves. Neal even shakes himself out of his Neanderthal mode and shakes hands with the guys. He doesn't take his eyes off of mine, though.
There's an awkward silence where we just stare at each other, until Tyler claps him on the back and says, "Ok, dude, let's go find the keg." They make to walk away and he shouts, "Good to meet you guys. Let Dahlia know if you want some good seats for the next game. She's up in the hockey building all the time for study hours."
