Sergeant Melvin was coming down the street. With him was Crazy Wig, wearing his horny hat.
"I thought you left town," I said to Crazy Wig.
"I got thrown off the bus for chanting and dancing," Crazy Wig said. "Do they have those twisted crullers here?"
"Allow me to shout for doughnuts for everybody," Aaron Finn said.
"Shout for?"
"It's Australian," Iggy said. "Means he's going to treat us. Make mine a double chocolate, please."
Aaron Finn made two trips with armloads of doughnuts and containers of coffee. "Now, Sergeant, what's the emmis?"
Melvin the sergeant took a sip of coffee. "You mean about the turtle?" he asked.
"Oooh! Oooh! I saw you in a vision," Crazy Wig said to Aaron Finn. "It was one of your past lives, without a doubt! It was sometime in the past, the Middle Ages, maybe. You had a sword, and you were fighting this guy with a big nose!"
"You're remembering a movie," I said. "He acts in movies."
"Oh," Crazy Wig said.
"Back to the turtle," Aaron Finn said. "Neddie tells us he talked to some policemen from another planet."
"Were they fat?" Melvin asked.
"Yes."
"I know those guys," Melvin the shaman said. "They have no jurisdiction in Los Angeles. They arrested my friend Crazy Wig here, and he just told them to take a walk."
"What did they arrest you for?" Seamus asked Crazy Wig.
"Predicting without a license," Crazy Wig said. "It was a bum rap. They didn't even know you don't need a license to make predictions on this planet. Some cops."
Aaron Finn was doing a good job of concealing the fact that he was getting frustrated. He was a good actor. "They told Neddie that the turtle, the original turtle you gave him, had something to do with a huge catastrophe that's supposed to happen."
"I don't see why that's any business of theirs," Melvin said. "They're not even from around here."
Seamus, Iggy, Billy the Phantom Bellboy, Crazy Wig, and I munched our doughnuts and enjoyed watching Aaron Finn try to interrogate Melvin the shaman.
"All right, let's take things one at a time," Aaron Finn said. "Is there going to be a catastrophe?"
"Well, sooner or later," Melvin said. "You wait around long enough, and everything will happen. Earthquakes, floods, forest fires, volcanic eruptions, plagues of giant animals—it's all part of life, you know. But you mustn't worry. Worrying never helps."
"We'll come back to the catastrophe," Aaron Finn said. "Let's talk about the turtle."
"What turtle?" Melvin asked.
"The one you gave Neddie."
"Oh yes, that turtle," Melvin said. "You know, he doesn't have it anymore."
"We know."
"To keep it safe, he switched it with another turtle at Stuffed Stuff 'n' Stuff, but unfortunately that man came in and bought it."
"That man? What man?"
"The one over there, ordering a doughnut."
Sandor Eucalyptus, also known as Nick Bluegum, was at the little window, buying two lemon-filled doughnuts and a grape soda.
"Seamus, go to the car and get my sword and my hat," Aaron Finn said. "Spread out, everyone. We're going to catch Mr. Eucalyptus."
Seamus hurried back with a sword, and a big hat with a feather. Aaron Finn put the hat on and took the sword in hand.
"Just like my vision!" Crazy Wig said.
CHAPTER 63
Neatly Done
It was neatly done. In a matter of seconds, Sandor Eucalyptus/Nick Bluegum was sitting spread eagle on one of the picnic benches, with his back against the table and each of his arms held by Melvin and Crazy Wig. Aaron Finn, in his big hat, had one foot on the bench and was bending with his face close to Bluegum's while tapping him on the shoulder with his sword.
"What is this? Unhand me!" Eucalyptus Bluegum said.
Aaron Finn laid the cool steel against Bluegum's cheek.
"We have you, my fine fellow," he said. "I'm sure you remember me from our airplane ride."
"Oh yes, my fellow tourist," Nick Bluegum said. "We had a nice time together, as I recall."
"Rat! You pulled a gun on me!" I said.
"But it wasn't a real gun," the sweating Eucalyptus said. "It only shoots little bits of potato. See for yourself—it's in my inside pocket."
Aaron Finn fished the gun out of Nick's pocket. "It's true. This is one of those potato guns," he said. "Just the same, you took this boy's turtle and jumped out of the airplane."
"I took a jellybean! Was that so wrong? Let me go!"
"What did you do with the turtle?" Aaron Finn asked, making his eyes narrow.
"It was a jellybean, I tell you. It took me a week to find my way out of the Grand Canyon, and it was the only thing I had to eat. Do you begrudge me a miserable jellybean?"
"This is getting us nowhere," Aaron Finn said. "Crazy Wig, commence the ceremonial torture."
"What? You're going to torture me at a doughnut stand in broad daylight?" Sandor Bluegum said.
"Are you sure?" Crazy Wig asked. "It's pretty disgusting to watch."
"Unless he talks," Aaron Finn said. "Do you have the angry scorpions and tinned anchovies?"
"I'll talk!" Nick Bluegum shouted.
"Fine," Aaron Finn said. "I suppose we can allow our guest to be comfortable—let go his arms, fellows. But remember, Bluegum, I can run you through in a second."
"I know," Nick Bluegum said. "I've seen you kill Basil Rathbone in lots of movies."
Melvin and Crazy Wig released Bluegum's arms and handed him his grape soda.
"Ask him why he tried to hold me up in the airplane," I said.
"Someone took a bite out of my lemon-filled doughnut," Bluegum said.
"Talk," Aaron Finn said.
"I had no choice," Bluegum said. "He told me to get the turtle."
"He?"
"He."
"Are you referring to Sholmos Bunyip?"
"Shhh!" Bluegum shuddered. "Don't say his name."
"How did you know I had it?"
"That man told me."
"Melvin?"
"Yes. I ran into him in a lunchwagon in Winslow, Arizona."
"Melvin, you told him?"
"Well, I might have mentioned it," Melvin the shaman said.
"Why would you do a thing like that?"
"I don't know—can't keep a secret, I guess. It's a big fault, especially if you're a shaman."
"So I decided I would steal it," Sandor Eucalyptus said. "And please my master."
"Sholmos."
"Shhh!"
"And then you bought the turtle from Steve Kraft at Stuffed Stuff 'n' Stuff."
"Yes, but that's a fake one. He made it himself. I was so afraid of you-know-who ... I hoped it would fool him."
"And did it?"
"It did at first. But he's clever—he checks up on me. He found out where I got it, knows I handed him a fake. Now I'm sure he's after me. If he was to catch up with me, you could do me a favor and stick that sword right through me."
"Why did Sholmos Bunyip—?" Aaron Finn began.
"Shhh!"
"Why did you-know-who want the turtle to begin with?"
"He didn't want it for himself. He was getting it for his master."
"His master?"
"Yes. You-know-who is my master, and bosses me around and frightens me—and in turn there is someone who bosses and frightens him."
"That must be a pretty bad someone," Aaron Finn said.
CHAPTER 64
Good Old Packard
"So Bluegum and Bunyip don't know they got the authentic turtle," Seamus whispered to me.
"Not yet," I whispered back.
Nick Bluegum was saying, "Bring on the scorpions and anchovies. I am not saying another word."
"He's too scared to mention who it is that Sholmos Bunyip is scared of," Iggy said.
"Ah, there you are!" a voice said. "I was hoping I'd find you." It was Al Crane.
"Hello, Al," Seamus said. "See tha
t guy? He's the one who tried to hold up Neddie for the turtle, and later bought it from Steve Kraft, but he doesn't know it's the real one. We've been trying to get him to talk. He told us some stuff, but now he's clammed up. I don't think wild elephants could get another word out of him."
"Funny you should mention that," Al said. "Could I interest everybody in coming out to the farm? Something pretty interesting has come up."
"I'll ask my father," Seamus said. "Father, Al here wants us to come out to the San Fernando Valley to see something pretty interesting." Then he added in a whisper, "They have lions out there. Maybe we can threaten Bluegum with them."
"There's only so far we can go with this sort of thing," Aaron Finn whispered. "I think it may be against the law to torture people, even if you're a movie star and a Republican. But ... let's go anyway. A drive in the country will be nice. Let's go, everybody. Plenty of room in the car!"
Good old Packard! We all fit. Melvin and Crazy Wig sat on either side of Nick Bluegum. Crazy Wig had the potato gun pointed at him. On the way, Iggy, Seamus, and I filled Al in on what had been happening. Al, for his part, refused to tell us what interesting thing had come up out at the circus winter quarters.
"This is kidnapping, you know," Nick Bluegum said.
"I believe the police at the Grand Canyon are looking for you," Aaron Finn said. "So this is a citizen's arrest. You did commit armed robbery, after all."
"It was a potato gun, and I took a jellybean!" Nick Bluegum said.
"Don't forget, you also stole a valuable parachute," I said.
"Wait a minute! Where's Billy?" Iggy said. We looked around. Sometimes Billy is hard to see.
"I don't think he's with us," Seamus said.
"Could we have left him behind at the Rolling Doughnut?" I asked.
"If you mean that semitransparent chap, I saw him leave while you were intimidating me," Nick Bluegum said.
"Odd. Where can he have gone?" Aaron Finn said. "Well, he's a grown ghost and knows what he's doing. No doubt he'll turn up."
CHAPTER 65
Something Fairly Interesting
There was no trouble guessing what Al Crane wanted to show us when we got to the farm. We could see it towering over everything else as soon as we drove through the gate.
"What is that!?!" we all asked, although it was perfectly obvious what it was—obvious, but unbelievable.
"This," Al said, "is a mammoth." He was smiling and beaming.
"It is! It actually is!" we all said.
"It's an imperial mammoth, and he's ours—that is, he belongs to this circus. Nobody else has got one."
Bobby, the elephant trainer, was in the enclosure with the imperial mammoth, petting him and looking at him with eyes brimming with happiness. "He's a good boy," Bobby was saying over and over.
"But these are extinct," Iggy said.
"So it was generally believed," Al said. "But here he is. His name is Don. That's short for Archidiskodon, his scientific handle—Archidiskodon imperator. He's a beauty, is he not?"
"I mean ... how? Why? Where did you get him?"
"We found him," Bobby said. "Just found him wandering in the fields. Finders keepers, of course. He's a circus mammoth now, aren't you, Donny boy?"
The mammoth was quite a bit taller than the tallest elephant, and had a set of tusks that went on and on. The regular elephants were huddled together in another corral, looking at Don with unbelieving expressions.
"You found a mammoth, an animal supposed to be extinct for the last ten thousand years, just wandering around?" I asked.
"He was eating grass," Bobby said. "He's a nice mammoth." Bobby kissed the mammoth on the knee.
"Piece of luck, huh?" Al said.
"Don't you find this a bit strange?" Seamus asked.
"Strange? It's flipping incredible!" Al said. "Imagine how he's going to look leading the circus parade. My father and Clive Montague are on the phone with the lady who makes the elephant costumes for us right now."
Melvin the shaman and Crazy Wig had sat down on the ground and were rocking back and forth, eyes closed, chanting in some language I'd never heard before. The rest of us were milling around in front of the enclosure, looking at Don the mammoth and trying to get our brains to believe what our eyes were telling them.
Except for Sandor Eucalyptus, a.k.a. Nick Bluegum. He was standing stock-still, white as a sheet, eyes wide and mouth hanging open. "It has begun," he said.
"I beg your pardon?" Aaron Finn asked. "What has begun?"
Sandor Bluegum clutched the sleeve of Aaron Finn's expensive movie star jacket. "I'll tell you what has begun. I want to tell you everything."
"Now you're showing good sense," Aaron Finn said. "Come, sit on this bench, under this tree. Everybody! Gather round. Mr. Bluegum is going to tell us everything."
"We have to finish our death chant," Melvin said. "We'll join you in a few minutes."
"I wonder if I might have a cold drink," Nick Bluegum said. "A grape soda, if possible."
"There's a cooler outside the bunkhouse," Al said. "I'll see what we have. Anybody else want something? Don't start until I get back."
"Do I need to listen to this?" Bobby the elephant trainer asked. "I'd prefer to stay with Don."
Al arrived with an armload of bottles of soda, cold and dripping from the cooler, and Aaron Finn opened them with his gold-plated Boy Scout knife. Melvin and Crazy Wig had finished singing the death chant and walked over, dusting off their clothes. We all settled down, some sitting on the ground, around the bench under the tree and listened to Nick Bluegum.
CHAPTER 66
A Terrifying Story
"I have a terrifying story to tell," Nick Bluegum began. We sipped our cold sodas and listened.
"First, I must tell you that Sholmos Bunyip is a being of pure evil, a monster."
"Well, come to it, all the studio heads are like that," Aaron Finn said. "Cecil B. De Mille, Louis B. Mayer, Walt B. Disney—monsters one and all."
"Bunyip is worse," Nick Bluegum said.
"Worse than Walt Disney?" Aaron Finn asked.
"I tell you, he is evil beyond your wildest imaginings," Nick Bluegum said.
"We know his son," Seamus Finn whispered to his father. "He's extremely evil, considering he's no older than I am."
"I was not always bad," Nick Bluegum said. "I was a lovely, sensitive boy. I loved nature. I spent many happy hours yodeling and picking wildflowers in my native country, the Duchy of Botstein. My people were humble craftsmen who wove shoelaces by hand for the simple people of our village."
"That's a coincidence," I said. "My father makes shoelaces."
"Who does not know of Roger Wentworthstein, the shoelace king?" Nick Bluegum said. "It pained me all the more to have to pull a potato gun on the son of such a great man. But, you see, I had no choice. I had become a veritable slave to the evil Bunyip. At first I was happy. It was my job to clean and polish the many light bulbs used in the production of motion pictures. I was good at my work, and wanted no more.
"Then Bunyip drew me to him. At first, he was nice to me. He bought me liverwurst sandwiches in the studio cafeteria. Naturally, when he asked me to run little errands for him, I was happy to oblige. He always gave me a dime when I went to the drugstore for him, brought him mints—then he would give me a quarter. And soon, he owned my soul. Soon, hungry for tips, and then afraid of his anger, I would do his evil bidding in anything."
"This is boring," Iggy said. "Get to the point."
"This is the point—have you ever wondered how Sholmos Bunyip rose to such wealth and power?"
"Cheating, stealing, and yelling at people?" Aaron Finn suggested.
"No! He has a powerful confederate," Nick Bluegum said. "Bunyip is the servant of an ancient prehistoric earth spirit whose name I shudder to pronounce."
"Can you spell it?" Aaron Finn asked.
"No. It is Kkhkktonos," Nick Bluegum said, making a noise like preparing to spit. "There is a little turtle pond behind
Sholmos Bunyip's office, and it is there, at night, that Kkhkktonos appears to him. Kkhkktonos is an earth-god, from a time before humans. He had great power, but he lost most of it when the last ice age ended. But he was still able to do little favors for Bunyip—in much the way Bunyip did little favors for me. Thus was Bunyip able to become great, and run a movie studio, and push people around, and have three swimming pools."
"But Kkhkktonos wanted something in return!" Iggy said.
"But Kkhkktonos wanted something in return," Nick Bluegum said.
"I know! I know! Kkhkktonos wants to bring back the ice age!" Iggy said, excited.
"Who's telling this, you or me?" Nick Bluegum said. "Yes. Kkhkktonos wanted to bring back his days of greatness, and power—but first someone, Bunyip, had to get the sacred turtle for him."
"Now that's the part we're all interested in," Aaron Finn said. "What does the turtle have to do with all this?"
"It is foretold that the one in possession of the sacred turtle can defeat the earth-gods and prevent the resurgence of the days of Kkhkktonos's power," Nick Bluegum said. "Apparently, through the millennia, every few hundred years, the old powers try to come back, and always there is some hero, always with that little turtle, who stops it from happening."
"And if Sholmos Bunyip had the turtle, there would be no one to stop it this time," I said.
"Exactly."
"Melvin, did you know about all this when you gave me the turtle?" I asked Melvin.
"I think I knew about it at one time, and then forgot," Melvin said. "It all sounds very familiar."
"And, of course, the presence of that imperial mammoth over there..." Seamus said.
"Means it has started already," Nick Bluegum said. "Young Neddie Wentworthstein, do you have the turtle?"
"Actually, no," I said.
"Then we are all doomed."
"Yep, that's how it looks to me too," Melvin said. "I'm sorry to have to break this up, but it's time I went on duty at the school. Mr. Finn, could I trouble you for a ride back to town?"
CHAPTER 67
The Neddiad: How Neddie Took the Train, Went to Hollywood, and Saved Civilization Page 14
