by Iris Murdoch
‘Come in.’
The curtains were drawn. She was lying fully dressed upon the counterpane, outstretched stiffly on her back, her arms rigid by her sides.
‘Have you heard anything?’
‘No.’
‘Pull back the curtains will you?’
‘I hope you slept a little.’
‘Perhaps. It wasn’t like sleep.’
‘Would you like to get up? I’ll make some more tea.’
‘Not yet, in a little while. Is Sefton back?’
‘No.’
‘Where’s Moy?’
‘Up in her room, I suppose. Shall I go and look?’
‘Not yet. Stay here with me, Clement. I feel everything’s gone mad. All those people coming in this morning, it was like a crowd scene in a theatre – or else like – they were all coming to look at us, they were voyeurs, they were pleased, their eyes were bright. Tessa and that other girl loved tearing Aleph’s room to pieces, I heard them laughing.’
‘Most of them were our old friends, they really cared, we’re lucky to have friends.’
The front doorbell rang. Louise began to struggle up. Clement was on the landing. He leapt down the stairs and opened the door. It was Harvey.
‘Has Aleph come back?’
‘No, and there’s no news. I suppose you haven’t found out anything?’
‘No. Is Sefton here?’
‘No. Come in. Louise is resting. Moy’s in her room.’
‘I’ll sit in the kitchen. Don’t worry about me.’
Clement ran back up the stairs. Louise on the landing had heard the conversation.
‘Yes, it’s Harvey, poor dear boy, I’m glad he’s come.’
‘Louise, come and sit in the Aviary. Harvey and I will make you some tea and bring it up.’
‘No, I’ll come down.’
‘Well, sit in the Aviary just for a while, just to please me.’
‘All right. Where’s Moy?’
‘Up in her room.’
‘I’ll go and see her. No, you go and talk to her now. I must change my dress. Then I’ll go to the Aviary. Please put the lamps on, it’s getting so dark. Oh how strange and terrible it has all become. It’s like living in a slow motion mental home. It’s really like the beginning of going mad. Everything is different, everything .’
Louise was wearing her usual light-brown day dress. As she began to pull it off, Clement left the room. He went softly up and tapped on Moy’s door. There was no answer. He opened the door slowly. It was dark in the room. He could see Moy sitting on the bed. She looked up at him, bowing her head sideways, and her eyes seemed to gleam like the eyes of an animal. Clement spoke slowly, as if to someone infantile or very old. ‘Would you like some tea? Would you like to come downstairs? Are you all right?’ Moy turned her head slowly away, then murmured, ‘I’m all right.’ Clement tried to think of something encouraging to say. He murmured lamely, ‘Oh well – I’m so sorry.’ He closed the door and put the light on on the landing. He thought, of course she’s upset about Aleph – but oh when will she stop being in love with me? I should have sent Harvey up instead, it would have given him something to do! Oh if only Aleph would return and give us back our wits! I can’t believe anything’s happened to her, I think it’s something wanton, and quite simple, she’ll be back tomorrow. He ran down the stairs and turned on all the lamps in the Aviary. Then he went on down, putting on the lights in the hall, in the kitchen, and in Sefton’s room, where Harvey had been sitting in the dark. Clement said, ‘It’s very cold,’ and Harvey agreed.
When Clement came up to the Aviary with a tea-tray Louise had changed into a light woollen dress with red and black stripes. Clement thought, even in a catastrophe a woman may want to change her dress. But why did he now think of a catastrophe? He had been busy all day protecting Louise, yes protecting her. Why had he so determinedly not imagined that Aleph might be in terrible trouble, lying nameless in a hospital, raped, kidnapped, drowned, violently attacked in a dark place like Lucas had been? No, like Peter had been. He had laid out Louise’s tray with bread and butter and cake and cups and saucers and plates and knives and spoons and a sugar-bowl and a milk-jug and a tea-pot. She was sitting on the sofa. He put the tray on the sofa beside her and drew up a chair opposite. Louise said, ‘Is Harvey still here? Tell him to come up.’ Clement went down and called Harvey up. He thought, I’ve never seen such a miserable boy. Of course he loves Aleph. I love Aleph. Oh God. Louise drank some tea. Harvey accepted a piece of cake and went to the other end of the room, took a book out of the bookcase and sat down and pretended to read it. Clement could see him pretending. Clement felt cold. He thought, this house is terribly cold. He felt a clammy crawling sensation all over his body as if his skin were turning into scales with little insects underneath the scales. Fish have lice and fleas, he thought. All animals have them, all animals are in torment. It’s a kind of evil boredom, an ache of fruitless empty despair, accidie, Aleph knows all about that. Louise said that she was going up to see Moy and would Clement ring the police again? Louise went upstairs, Clement went downstairs, Harvey followed him downstairs. The police gave their usual negative reply. Harvey said vaguely that he would wait a while. Clement went back upstairs. Louise had returned, saying Moy was all right, she just wanted to be quiet. Louise sat on the sofa, and putting the tray on the floor, Clement sat beside her.
‘Do eat something, eat some cake.’
‘No, thank you, the tea was fine.’
‘But you’ve eaten nothing all day – you look so pale – ’
‘Oh Clement, don’t bother me so. Sorry. If there’s no news tomorrow will you come with me to the clinic?’
‘I’ll come with you anywhere.’
‘You know I can’t help connecting this with Peter. It’s something to do with him. With the way he’s disturbed us all.’
‘You don’t think she’s with him in the clinic?’
‘I don’t know.’
‘It’s a perfectly mad conjecture.’
‘Perhaps he knows where she is. Even if she’s not with him or connected with him, I mean if he doesn’t immediately know, he might know by concentrating his mind, he could somehow – find her, you know, the way people find things – by intuition or telepathy – or something.’
‘All right, let’s try anything. Like Moy used to find things.’
‘If she could have done it, she would have done it.’
‘Would you like me to drive you round now?’
‘No, I can’t bear it, I’m too tired, Peter would be tired, I wouldn’t be able to help him. I’ll go tomorrow when I’m stronger. I’m sorry to feel so feeble, what a nightmare of a day, I’ve never known such a day, it’s been so long, and all those people. Do you think I’m stupid? Aleph will turn up tomorrow and explain it all. She sent a letter which went astray. I shall feel a fool for making so much fuss. Girls everywhere are running off and their parents don’t get into such a state. Only these girls could never never just go away and not tell me, it just cannot be. I feel I’m making a miasma all round myself, like a grey web. Look, please go down and if Harvey’s still here tell him to go home, somehow the thought of him sitting down there makes everything even more awful. Has Sefton come back, she can’t have or she’d have come straight to me.’
‘She’s not back. Perhaps she’s out looking for Aleph.’
‘Yes – I thought that too.’
Clement went down. Harvey was sitting in the kitchen. He seemed to be asleep. He woke up, then jumped up. Yes, he would go home, yes, he would find a taxi. Yes, thank you, he would come back tomorrow. He put on his overcoat and slid noiselessly out of the door. Clement looked into Sefton’s room and automatically drew the curtains. The house was very cold. He went back to Louise. The Aviary was very cold. He told Louise that the house was cold and could one turn up the heating?
‘Yes, there’s a switch in the kitchen, a thing you turn, only I can’t remember how it’s done, one of the girls usually does it.
’
‘Never mind.’ He sat down again beside her and took her hand. Her hand was cold. He laid it against his cheek to warm it.
‘Oh Clement, what has happened to time? Perhaps there’ll be a letter tomorrow and everything will be explained and will be quite simple and ordinary and all this anguish will seem like a bad dream. But oh – time has become such a torture, a slow torture. One tries to capture a piece of time that lies ahead and is full of light, like thinking that a letter will come, or Aleph will suddenly come in through the door and wonder what we were all worrying about – but thinking about that just makes this awful black time even blacker.’
There was the sound of the door opening. They both ran out onto the landing. It was Sefton.
Sefton looked tired. She said, ‘Any news?’ They said no. Had she any news? No. She hung up her overcoat which was wet. Evidently it was raining outside. Clement carried Louise’s tea-tray down to the kitchen and put the cups and saucers in the sink, and asked if Sefton could turn up the heating, which she did.
‘Sefton, go up to your mother, I’ll make us all some sort of supper down here.’
Clement found bread and butter and cheese and put them on the table. He put out clean plates with knives. He put the kettle on. He found powdered soup in packets. He could hear the two women talking softly upstairs. He began to feel absolutely exhausted. There was a silence. He thought, Sefton has gone up to see Moy. He hurried up the stairs.
Louise had been crying. She made a helpless gesture to Clement. ‘My dear, won’t you come downstairs and have supper? Isn’t it supper-time? You must be hungry. We’ll all have supper. Please, you must come down!’
‘No, dear Clement, you go and eat. I’m going to bed.’
Sefton had come down the stairs from Moy. ‘What’s happened to Aleph’s room? Has the devil been in it?’
‘We were just looking for clues. Sefton, you’ll have supper, won’t you, and Moy – and Louise will come down, please come.’
Louise got up and said again, ‘I’m going to bed.’
‘You must eat something, some hot soup, I’ll bring it up.’
Louise left the Aviary and mounted the stairs to her bedroom.
Sefton said, ‘Don’t press her. I’m just going to take some grub up to Moy. I’ll give Louie something. Thanks for holding the fort.’ She disappeared downstairs.
Clement, who had not considered the matter, now thought, perhaps I ought to stay the night here. He followed Sefton down.
‘Do eat something, Clement. Or have you already had supper?’ Sefton disappeared with a laden tray. Clement sat down. He was ferociously hungry. He tore the loaf apart and covered the large fragments of it deeply in butter and lumps of cheddar cheese. He tilted some powdered soup into a mug and poured hot water upon it. He suddenly felt like crying. He said aloud, half-choking, ‘Oh I’m so tired, I’m so tired.’
Sefton returned. In silence she put some remaining bread and cheese and an apple onto a large plate. She said, ‘Would you like an apple?’
‘No, thanks. Sorry, Sefton.’
Sefton, standing with the plate in her hand, said, ‘Don’t be sorry. You’ve been here all day.’
‘Yes.’
Sefton put the plate down. Clement stood up. They hugged each other. Clement found himself moaning quietly as he had done earlier in the day, how much earlier, in what a day.
Releasing Clement, Sefton, picking up her plate, said in her usual casual manner. ‘Well, I’m off to bed. You’ll find all sorts of things in the larder. Goodnight.’ She departed, closing the kitchen door behind her.
After a short time Clement ascended the stairs and knocked softly on Louise’s door.
Louise was in bed, her bedside lamp was on. She said, ‘Sefton brought me something to eat, but I can’t eat it, at least I tried to, could you put the tray out of the way? It’s there on the floor.’
‘I’ll take it down. But, Louise – ’
‘I think I’ll go to sleep now. What time is it? No, don’t tell me.’
‘Have you any sleeping-pills?’
‘Yes, yes, I have them. Clement, can I ask a favour of you?’
‘Anything you like, my darling.’
‘Could you stay here tonight?’
Clement felt a strange momentary shock. ‘Yes, of course.’
‘Don’t go away, it must be so late – I’m feeling so afraid, it’s an awful fear like I’ve never had before.’
‘Of course I shall stay with you, I’ll – protect you, I’ll – ’
‘I’m sorry to trouble you, with you in the house I shall feel safe – you don’t mind, do you?’
‘Louise, you know that I don’t mind, I – ’
‘You can sleep on the sofa in the Aviary. There are blankets and pillows in the landing cupboard. Please forgive me for being mad all day.’
‘Louise, we are all mad. Do sleep, take the pills. You’ve got them, have you? I’ll be here, I’ll be nearby, I’ll guard you.’
He leaned down and kissed her and she put her arms around his neck. He left the room and stood on the landing, standing rigidly at attention for some while, listening to the silence of the house. There were no sounds. He tiptoed to the cupboard and pulled out blankets and pillows. As sheets had not been mentioned he did not look for them. As he was about to go to the Aviary he heard an odd sound, like a little bird. He thought, it’s Moy, she is having a dream. He turned off the light on the landing. The house below was dark. Carrying his bedclothes he found his way down to the Aviary and turned on one of the lamps. He thought, I am so dead tired but I know I shall lie awake all night – in torment. But as soon as he had turned off the lamp and settled himself on the sofa he fell instantly into a black abyss of sleep.
Clement had achieved his great ambition at last. He was playing Hamlet. He was dressed in black and white and so were all the other members of the cast, since the director had decided that this was to be a black and white production. It was also, as it happened, a ballet, but Clement had no difficulty in learning the steps. He was only a little surprised to find how easy ballet dancing was after all. He could already float across the stage without touching the ground. A continual beating, almost thumping, of heart-rending music accompanied him. He was flying, flying was easy too. He thought, this is like Peter Pan. Good heavens, perhaps it is Peter Pan? No, it can’t be. Now he was down on the ground confronting a woman, only this woman was two women, and the two women were his mother and Ophelia. They were dancing too, standing one behind the other and swaying to and fro as if they were the same person, they were teasing him, they were tormenting him, the music was faster and louder. He thought, I can’t dance any more, in a moment I shall fall, I shall faint. I need help. He tried to scream.
He woke up. Sefton, having tapped on the door, had entered. He sat up quickly, remembering where he was. He clasped the neck of his shirt, he felt his heart.
‘I thought I’d better wake you. There’s some breakfast downstairs.’
‘Oh – is everyone up?’
‘Yes, but we all get up very early.’
‘Is there any news?’
‘No, but the post hasn’t come yet.’
‘Did I scream?’
‘What?’
‘Did I scream?’
‘I didn’t hear you scream.’
Sefton lingered for a moment, then went out closing the door. Clement dressed with great speed, folded up the bedclothes and put them back in the cupboard. He could not recall his dream but the horror of it stayed with him. He dreaded coming downstairs. He thought, I can’t stay in this house, it is doomed.
He came into the kitchen and found Louise, Moy, and Sefton all sitting sedately at the table. A place had been laid for him. Louise and Moy said ‘Good morning.’ He said, ‘Good morning.’ The next question must be: Did you sleep well? Louise said, ‘Did you sleep well?’ ‘Yes, very well.’ Sefton offered him eggs and bacon, which he refused, and toast, which he accepted with no intention of eating it.
He also accepted some coffee. No one else was eating.
Clement, pulling himself together, said to Louise, ‘Do you still want to go to the clinic?’
Louise said, ‘Do I still want to? Of course I do.’
‘Why go there?’ said Sefton. ‘Surely they’ll tell us if there’s anything to tell.’
‘I think Peter could help us,’ said Louise. ‘I mean help us to find Aleph. I feel their fates are bound together.’
The girls exchanged anxious glances.
‘It’s worth trying. I’ll drive you there. At least it’s something to do.’
Louise said, ‘Sefton, you’ll stay here, won’t you?’
‘I’ll stay here,’ said Sefton.
There was a gloomy silence. Clement tore up his piece of toast and pretended to eat some of it. He felt a bit light-headed as if he might faint. He thought, it’s simply hunger. Except that I can’t eat. I want to go home. Only I’ve got to drive Louise to the bloody clinic. I had some awful dream. Then he recalled with terrible vividness the sight of Peter’s knife approaching Lucas’s naked side, he saw the line of the ribs and the point of the knife entering the skin and the blood flowing. He got up hastily, then sat down again. He felt he was going to be sick. He said to Louise, ‘I’m just going up to the Aviary. Please come up when you’re ready and we can make a plan.’ He thought, I want to lie down somewhere. But I can’t and mustn’t lie down.
He got up again and went out into the hall. At that moment the post arrived, with several envelopes fluttering to the mat. Clement at once noticed an envelope with the name of the clinic conspicuous on the outside. He picked it up and went back into the kitchen. ‘Louise, it’s from the clinic.’ Louise, also already risen, seized the envelope, and after scratching it vainly with her hasty fingernails, managed to tear it open. She drew out the white typewritten sheet and read it. She handed the letter to Clement across the table. She sat down. Clement read it quickly.
My dear Mrs Anderson,
