by Angela Mack
“I suggested naming Izzy ‘Elizabeth’ after Sammy’s sister, but she said it would have been too much. So, we settled for Isabel, her nickname ‘Izzy’ being somewhat of a tribute to ‘Lizzie.’ Sammy slips up every now and then, calling her Lizzie by mistake. All these years later, I can still see the pain in her eyes when it happens. She still misses her sister every day, like she’s missing a limb.” Charlie took a deep breath, swiping at his eyes with the back of his hands.
“I never regretted not having any more kids, until you and your brothers came along, Ryan.” I sat up at that, turning to face Charlie. Ryan turned from the window, frowning, our eyes making contact. We waited for Charlie to continue.
“I love Izzy with everything I have, and we have a great relationship. I know she doesn’t tell me everything and there are things that even I feel awkward talking to her about”―he paused to smile over at my bed, making Ryan laugh―“but as far as the daddy-daughter thing goes, it’s so much more than even I imagined.” Charlie was quiet for a few minutes. We both studied him, fascinated. Charlie was so different to Big Mike; they were like entirely different species. I struggled to wrap my head around how you could almost see the love pouring from Charlie when he talked about Izzy, yet just thinking about our dad left a bitter taste in my mouth. I licked my lips, my mouth dry.
“And for these past few months, I’ve had a taste of what it might have been like to have sons.” Charlie looked up and grabbed Ryan’s hand, grinning at him. I looked over at Ryan by the window, tears streaming down his face. I gulped, battling to stop myself from crying too.
“I don’t know if you can hear me, Ryan, but I need you to know that I have loved getting to know you. Sammy, Izzy and I had a wonderful life just the three of us. The amount of times I’d brag about my life to anyone who’d listen”―he shook his head, chuckling―“I was such a smug bastard. And then you and your brothers came into our lives and I realised that as great as our life had been, we’d been missing something. Every time you’d be at my side chopping vegetables for dinner, or you and Georgie would tuck into me as we watched a movie on the sofa, or Josh would say something to make Izzy laugh, I’d realise just how grateful I was that you had all entered our lives. How lucky we all were.”
“Lucky? You feel lucky to have met me?” I almost missed Ryan’s whisper.
“It feels ridiculous to say, given the short amount of time we’ve known each other, but I love you as if you were my own son, Ryan. I love Georgie and I love Josh, too.” There was no stopping my tears now. “I can’t pretend to know what my wife felt when she lost her sister, but somehow, she got through it. And I promise you right now, Ryan, that I will help Georgie get through it too. And Izzy. And if Josh wakes up, please Lord let him wake up, I’ll help him too.” I suddenly didn’t like where this was going. “I know you’re hanging on in there, and there is nothing I would love more in the world than to have more time with you…” Charlie stopped, his sobs robbing him of his words. As each minute ticked by in silence, Ryan took a step closer to him. By the time Charlie spoke again, Ryan was crouching on the floor in front of him, looking up into his face.
“I need you to know, son, that it’s OK to let go. Sometimes the pain is too much, and there’s no shame in that. And if you need someone’s permission for you to be at peace...I want you to know that it is OK. You are an incredibly brave, strong, extraordinary young man, and you have been through enough. It’s time for you to think about you, to do what you want to do. To do what’s best for you and you alone. Even if that’s going to hurt like an absolute bitch. Even if it means the people you love must suffer for a while. I’m sorry I couldn’t save you.” Charlie paused again. “I love you, Ryan.”
“I love you too, Dad.” Ryan reached up and touched Charlie’s cheek. Charlie closed his eyes, exhaling slowly.
“Hey, you OK?” Sammy walked into the room, Georgie holding her hand tight. She looked over at Charlie, her forehead wrinkling in concern as she held a wrapped package out to him.
“Yeah. Just telling Ryan how much I appreciate him,” Charlie smiled, and she nodded, a knowing smile on her lips. He started to unwrap his breakfast, but I wasn't paying attention anymore. Their conversation around me faded into the background, their words losing shape. Ryan was still crouched on the floor, avoiding my eyes. His gaze flitted left and right, like he was trying to figure something out. I stood, edging towards him.
“Ryan.” He ignored me, rising from the floor as he stared at his feet. He nodded to himself before turning and striding purposefully from the room.
“Ryan!” I shouted, chasing after him. He wasn't running, but he wasn't ambling either. It was like he was on a mission to get somewhere.
“Ryan?” I fell into step beside him.
“Have you gotten close? To your body?” He stared straight ahead.
“What do you mean?” My bones trembled in fear.
“Before you showed up, I tried a couple of times to wake up.” He slammed open a door and started to descend a flight of stairs, the door crashing into the wall. I stared behind us with wide eyes. How did he do that?
“You start to feel...dizzy...and the pain, the fucking pain is―” he took a deep breath. “It’s like I’m getting sucked back into my body, but that means I start to feel everything again.” I thought back to when I had gotten close to my own body, how that red mark had appeared on my side. How everything felt like it was closing in on me, like my senses were getting overwhelmed.
“My head feels like it’s going to fucking explode, Josh.” Ryan’s feet were quick, slapping each step as we got closer to the ground floor. I stumbled after him.
“Where are you going, Ryan?” He reached the bottom, gliding through another set of doors. I saw a sign for The Quad and breathed a sigh of relief. He just wanted some fresh air. But then he walked past the sign. We rounded a corner, and I could see the glass doors marking the hospital’s exit. I tried to stay calm, knowing he couldn’t leave anyway.
“When I found out that Big Mike was still alive, Josh, I’ve never been so terrified.” Ryan stopped a few steps ahead, looking back at me. “I am sick of feeling scared, of feeling pain, of feeling weak.” His body was facing me, but he turned to look back at the exit.
“I don’t want to go back, Josh.” He took another step away from me. Don’t panic, don’t panic. The doors won’t let him leave anyway. My heart thundered in my chest.
“Of course you want to go back, Ry. Don’t you want to see Georgie again? To spend more time with Charlie?” I smiled at him, trying to hide my fear. He was closer to the doors, only a few feet away now.
“I...I can’t…” He looked at me and as our eyes met, I knew what he was about to do. He turned, running. I dived after him, rugby-tackling him to the ground. He struggled beneath me; his right hand outstretched towards the exit.
“I want to, it’s my time to―”
“NO! No, Ryan! You can’t leave.” I pinned his body to the ground, spreading myself over him as much as possible. I couldn’t let him go.
“I know it’s going to hurt, but you have to try. We have to go back. Georgie needs us.” He was thrashing about, trying to wriggle out from beneath me. I was terrified that I was suddenly going to sink through his body, like what had happened when I had tried to strangle Big Mike, and Ryan would be able to flee. To escape.
“Get OFF me, Josh. Georgie doesn’t need me. He needs YOU. Just, let me go. You go back. I don’t want to.” I felt him slide an inch forward and I scrambled up his body, desperate to keep him still. I wrapped an arm around his chest, bringing my head alongside his, our chins almost touching. He was staring straight ahead, a hopeful expression on his face.
“I need you, Ryan. I need you. Do you hear me? Please, please. Please don’t leave me. Big Mike won’t get to you ever again. And we have Izzy and Sammy and Charlie to fight with us now. Please, Ry. Please.” I sobbed into the floor, my wet cheek rubbing against his. Like the flick of a switch, Ryan went still. H
e stopped fighting me.
“OK.” I wasn't sure if I had heard him right.
“What?”
“I said OK,” he grumbled. I relaxed a little, my forehead hitting the floor, but I didn’t get up.
“I love you, bro.” I squeezed my arm around him tighter.
“Yeah, yeah. Love you too.” Ryan rolled his eyes at me before smiling. I was about to stand to let him get up when I noticed that his arm was still laying on the floor in front of us, his hand still reaching for the exit. But it wasn't reaching towards it anymore. His hand was resting on the other side of the glass doors, free. I shuddered. If I hadn’t stopped him, would he still be here right now?
Chapter 11
Isabel
“Thank you for giving this another go, Isabel.” I was back in Miss Lovey’s office, throwing myself into the armchair with a huff. After missing three weeks' worth of counselling sessions, I had promised my parents I’d give it another go. Georgie was going back to school this week. It was even more important that I tried to open up to Miss Lovey, so Georgie knew he had nothing to worry about. Even though I’d rather pull all my eyelashes out then sit here and talk.
There weren’t any windows in this stupid bloody room, so I found myself staring over her shoulder at the bookshelf again. The lucky cat was still there, waving at me like a friend. I flicked my gaze across the titles of books, most of them of the self-help variety.
“How have you been finding being back at school?” she smiled at me, but it didn’t look very convincing. It was like she was just asking me because she had to and not because she actually cared. Why would she? She didn’t know me. I shrugged at her.
“Fine.”
“Have you been able to concentrate in your classes?” I shrugged again.
“What about your friends? Have you told them how you’re feeling?”
“They wouldn’t understand.”
“They might.” I shook my head. I'd hardly said more than a couple of words to Jess and Sophie since being back.
“No, they wouldn’t. They’re worried about getting good enough grades to get into university, whilst I’m worried my boyfriend might not live beyond next week.” Boyfriend didn’t feel like the right way to describe Josh. I felt connected to him in such a significant way, and ‘boyfriend’ sounded so...juvenile. It wasn't enough.
“And are you not worried about getting into university too?”
“I used to be. Doesn’t seem important anymore.”
“How do you think Josh would feel about that?” I tore my eyes from the bookshelf, glaring at her.
“How would he feel about what?” I snapped.
“Well, you’ve worked hard to get to where you are now. I understand that your school life hasn’t been the easiest, and yet here you are. You’ve turned your grades around and you could probably have the pick of most universities across the country. You have a very bright future ahead of you, and yet you’re choosing to throw it away. Your mother said you've even given up your Saturday job. It was at a florist, yes?" I ignored her, staring at a stain on the floor next to her desk. Tea, perhaps.
After Boxing Day, I hadn't gone back to Buttercups. I hadn't even phoned Mary to explain. It was like if I said it out loud, that I couldn't go back to work, it meant that Josh wasn't going to be waking up anytime soon. I wanted to pretend that everything would be OK and that I didn't need to tell Mary anything, because I'd be able to go back to work, no problem. Josh would come home, Ryan would open his eyes, and we'd all work together to pick up the pieces. It was just a bad day, maybe a bad week. But when the weeks passed and still, nothing, I realised how likely it was that neither of them would wake up. That I really might lose them, lose Josh. By that point, I'd already missed several days of work. Mary had eventually gotten through to Mum, who had explained everything. She was kind and understanding―I hadn’t really expected anything else from such a kind soul. She had even sent us a bouquet of flowers.
I rubbed my cheek, scratching under my ear. I felt a stab of guilt for how I had treated Mary, which was more than I'd felt back in the beginning. Back when I thought they had a chance. Back then, I had been numb to anything but the idea of Josh waking up. I hadn’t allowed myself to think of anything except that. I’d pictured all the different ways it would happen. I’d squeeze his hand one day and he’d squeeze back. Or he’d butt in on one of mine and Georgie’s conversations, as if he hadn’t been asleep the whole time. Or when I stared at his face with such force, imagining his eyelids fluttering open, he would actually do it. They would peek open and he’d wink, grinning.
“Sorry for taking such a long nap,” he’d joke. I was such an idiot. I still hadn’t given up hope, it was still there. But instead of it being a white hot, roaring fire, it was only a few smouldering embers. The type of fire that someone may look at and think ‘yeah, I can get that going again,’ but actually, it probably wasn’t going to happen.
"Seems like Josh might not want that for you," Miss Lovey continued, as if several minutes of silence hadn't passed. She uncrossed her legs, leaning towards me. She had a notebook in her hand, a pen poised for notetaking.
“I don’t know how Josh is feeling right now. It’s not like I can bloody well ask him, is it?” I bit out my response through gritted teeth. She ignored my question and asked another one of her own instead.
“Is Josh planning on going to university?” I laughed at her.
“Josh wouldn’t even talk about it. He kept saying that he needed to get a job and take his brothers away from his shitty father as soon as he turned eighteen.”
“And now?” She raised her eyebrows at me.
“What do you mean?”
“Well, your family is taking care of his brother, Georgie. I understand they’ve just filed to officially foster him, right?” I nodded. “And if Ryan were to wake up, your parents would want to take care of him too, I presume?” I nodded again. “So, if Josh wakes up, and I know I’m using a lot of ‘ifs’ here, but if he did, he wouldn’t have to worry about taking care of his brothers all by himself anymore, would he?” I didn't respond, unsure of what Miss Lovey’s point was.
“So, for perhaps the first time in Josh’s life, he can think about his own future. What he wants to do. There are opportunities available to him that weren’t before. Maybe now he will want to go to university, maybe he won’t. But he will have that choice, Izzy. I’d hate to think that you got rid of your own choice by wasting the rest of your sixth form education.”
“If he wakes up,” I replied.
“Hmm?” she asked, confused.
“Josh will have that choice, if he wakes up.” She sighed, scribbling something down in her notebook. I felt like I may have missed her point. She looked disappointed. I rolled my eyes. As if I give a shit.
✽✽✽
I was in the library, sitting at one of the tables furthest in the back. Although Miss Lovey dismissed me ten minutes early―I couldn’t be bothered to engage with the rest of her pathetic attempts at therapy―I kept replaying our conversation over and over in my head. If Josh did wake up, would he want to go to university? He was doing business studies for one of his A Levels, maybe he’d want to study that at university, and we could go to the same one? Lots of universities had both great business and science courses. I began doodling in my notebook, letting my mind wonder.
We could live in the same student halls. He’d walk me to my lectures, and we’d meet up in the university library to study together. He’d get a part-time job at the student bar and I’d write for the student newsletter. We’d visit Georgie and Ryan every holiday, maybe we’d even sneak them in to stay with us once or twice. I smiled down at my notebook, looking at all the question marks I had scribbled over the page. If he did wake up, maybe we could still have a future together? A good one, too. I could help him achieve all the things he’d never even dared to dream of.
But what if he didn’t wake up? My smile disappeared and my pen hovered above the page. The cheery i
mages of us both going to university fizzled out. I couldn’t envision anything at all to do with my future if Josh wasn’t in it. I crumpled up my page, letting it drop to the floor beside me.
“Hey, Iz. Thought we’d find you here.” Jess slid into a chair opposite me, Sophie sitting in the one next to me. They always tracked me down at lunchtime and sat with me, but I never took part in their conversations. They would laugh and joke with Jack and Ed, but I would just stare, silent. I thought they would have given up after the first week but nope, for some reason, they kept it up.
“We were wondering if you wanted to go out with us Friday night? A bunch of us are heading to O'brien's for drinks. Maybe some dancing after.” The new Irish bar in town was becoming quite a hit with the Gilleford sixth formers. I had overheard several conversations about it since being back.
“Nah, I’m good.” What a stupid thing to ask me. As If I would go out drinking when Josh was stuck in hospital in a coma! I began to pack my things away, hoping they would get the hint. I wanted to be left alone.
“You can’t carry on like this, Iz.” Sophie reached a hand over to mine and squeezed. I glared at it.
“We’re worried about you. We miss you,” she continued. I looked up at her, seeing the concern in her eyes. I snatched my hand back.
“I’m fine.” I shoved my bag over my shoulder and stood.
“No, you’re not.” Sophie stood too, looking at Jess for help. I walked towards the library exit, but paused when Jess called to me, keeping my back to them.
“Josh wouldn’t want you to be miserable, Izzy.”
“Why does everyone suddenly think they know what Josh wants?” I yelled as I turned back to face them, anger flaring up inside of me. The librarian and a few other students looked over at us, brows furrowed.
