by Ramy Vance
“I just thought you guys thought I looked like a Leeroy,” Stew chuckled before letting out a roar of a laugh. It was contagious. After a couple seconds, everyone was laughing except for Sandy. She was still looking down at her fingernails, picking at her nail polish.
Suzuki stood and raised his tankard. Beth followed. After a couple of seconds, Sandy stood up as well.
“To Stew,” Suzuki raised his cup high. “When we need our asses saved, we’ll think of you. Cheers.”
“Cheers!”
They clanked their tankards together. A couple of folks from the other parties were watching. A few nodded their heads in agreement. They must have had people leaving too, Suzuki thought. Not everyone’s going to make it.
“Never split the party,” Sandy lamented.
Stew shrugged and smiled weakly. “It might be time for a new party. I gotta get going.” He lingered for a moment like a shadow of his former self. Then he finished his drink and left the tavern without another word.
Sandy was crying softly and Beth reached out, taking her hand. “It’s not your fault. You were doing what any one of us would have done. Except maybe Stew.”
Sandy laughed and took another sip. “Yeah. He would have at least put on a good show.”
Suzuki woke up to the sound of a loud gong. He rolled over in bed and tangled himself in the thin sheets. When he reached for his standard duvet…the one with the cast of the Avengers printed on it…it was gone. Instead, there was a coarse green military-issued blanket.
Suzuki sat up in bed and looked around the room. Dozens of cadets were sleeping in stacked bunk beds. He had been dreaming of home.
But this was not a dream. He wiped the sleep from his eyes and tried to make himself wake up faster. He ran through the events of the last day.
Stew had been let go. The Mundanes were already broken.
He would have to give today’s trials everything he had to keep the party from splintering even further. There was no answer for how he was going to do that, though.
Sandy had demonstrated amazing teamwork the day before and Stew got nixed for it. More worries flooded Suzuki’s mind as he got up and dressed. Across the room, Beth was sitting in bed, rubbing her face. A little bit of drool ran down her face as she met Suzuki’s eyes. She quickly grabbed her sheets and rubbed her face clean.
“Stop perving,” Beth rolled out of the bed and climbed down the trunk.
Suzuki’s face went red and he looked down at his feet, then realized that looking at his feet would only confirm her accusations and tried to look up at Beth. He settled on shoving his hands in his pocket and pulling out some lint he pretended to be interested in.
Beth came over to Suzuki and shoved him playfully. “Come on. I’m just joking. I’m assuming you don’t wake up to the glory of feminine beauty often.”
“Where’s Sandy?” Suzuki asked.
“Probably already outside,” Beth put on her HUD, pressed the ear node, and her armor shimmered into existence.
Suzuki did the same. “Let’s go.”
They exited the barracks as another obnoxiously loud gong rang and the rest of the cadets started to make their way out of bed. Beth had been right. Sandy was outside, talking to one of the mage officers.
Sandy waved at Beth and Suzuki as the mage politely nodded his head and walked away. “I was just getting a scoop on what we’re up against today.”
“And the verdict?” Suzuki asked.
“Magical and physical resistance. Some random at the pub said that we’re going to be poked and prodded until we feel sick.” Sandy pointed at the line of cadets making their way toward the mages stationed over in the valley near where they had all been originally transported.
“Sounds fantastic,” Beth groaned.
The remaining Mundanes followed the crowd. Without any ceremony whatsoever, the mages snapped their fingers and Suzuki felt the fishhook in his stomach and reality slid around him. When everything stopped moving, he was in something like a large gymnasium.
The massive building was split into different stations where there were mages and dwarves waiting. It reminded Suzuki of high school, when they’d give everyone a physical or some shit like that in the school’s gymnasium. But unlike High School, stations both lined the ground and floated in the air. Each station was marked with a number that floated above the mages and glowed bright red with traces of sparks flying off of them.
An arrow guided their way until they came up to a red box painted on the ground with another flaming arrow that pointed up next to it.
“What the fuck are we supposed to do now?” Beth pointed up to a floating station with a burning number 1 next to it.
Suzuki shrugged. “Sandy, you got a spell that can get us up there?”
Sandy touched her HUD and shook her head. “I can’t seem to access my magic here.”
“Shit,” Suzuki said, approaching the painted box. “What do they think we’re going to do? Grow wings or some shit like that? I mean we’re just—” His left foot stepped into the box, and instantly he shot up in the air.
Well, “shot up” implied some grace to what happened. It was more like he tumbled up, like someone helplessly falling in the wrong direction.
“Uh-uh.” A dwarven attendee lifted his hand, stopping Suzuki before him. “Usually you just hop in the box and up you come. Not do whatever acrobatic feat that was. Like them.”
The dwarven mage pointed behind Suzuki, and he watched as Beth and Sandy, having learned from his mistake, gracefully floated up next to him.
Beth was grinning ear to ear. “That was awesome, Suzuki. You looked like you were doing windmills.”
“Reminded me of my nephew’s tumble tots. But he was more graceful than you,” Sandy chuckled. “He’s three.”
“Oh ha-ha, guys,” Suzuki said, pointing at the dwarf. “Maybe we should concentrate on the task at hand.” He gestured for the three of them to make their way inside the station.
“Uh, uh, uh,” the dwarven wagged an admonishing finger at them. “These are individual evaluations. Please split your party and go to separate areas.” He pointed to the other floating stations.
“Guess they’re really into splitting up parties,” Sandy mused.
“You can take this one, Suzuki,” Beth pointed to the station in front of them. “Don’t want you to do any more acrobatics today.” She gave him an exaggerated thumbs-up before she broke into the most awkward breaststroke he’d ever seen.
“You’re not doing much better than me,” Suzuki called after her.
Beth continued to do her awkward strokes. “I am as graceful as a swan.”
“More like a frog who just suffered a stroke,” Sandy giggled as she tried the front crawl to get to her station.
“Good luck, guys,” Suzuki called, and with a heavy sigh, he went inside the floating station where a grumpy-looking elf mage stared at him over the rim of his reading glasses.
The mage held a clipboard that he let go, but instead of falling like any normal object should, it just floated there as if the mage had put it away.
“First things first,” the mage said, gracefully floating next to him. The elf stood, or rather floated, a full foot shorter than Suzuki and despite his obvious age, he was exceedingly beautiful “We’re going to test your magical resistance.”
“How exactly are you going to do that?” Suzuki was trying to keep the apprehension out of his voice. He was sweating so much that he thought it might be pouring from his armor.
“Please take a guarded stance.” The mage crossed his arm over his chest, demonstrating a defensive pose.
“Guard myself with what?” Suzuki imitated the mage as best he could.
“Well, it’s magic, so I guess with whatever helps you feel better.”
Suzuki didn’t know what to do, so he raised his fists as if he were a boxer. “Is this good enough?”
“Sure, why not.”
The mage pulled a long thin wand from a holster on the side of
his robes. He raised the wand to the air and brought it down with a quick slice. Suzuki’s HUD read at the last second: Incoming Undefined Magic ATT.
Doesn’t look too bad, Suzuki thought right before the attack hit. It was a blunt force that sent him spiraling backward. He skidded across the floor from the impact. It felt as if the wind had just gotten knocked out of him. He coughed and sat up. The mage motioned for him to step forward.
“Do you have any internal bleeding?” The mage didn’t look too concerned. As if it didn’t matter to him if Suzuki was bleeding to death or not.
“How the hell am I supposed to know if I’m bleeding internally?”
“Usually you cough up blood. Like, a lot of blood.”
“No, I think my organs are safe.”
“Good. Looks like you have fairly good resistance to magic. Now let’s try elemental.”
“Wait, wait!” Suzuki lifted his hands to plead with the mage, but it was too late.
The mage raised his wand again and fireballs appeared above its tip. Suzuki screamed and turned to run away just as the fireballs came down on him and engulfed him in a fiery explosion. When the flames died out, Suzuki was laying on his back—well, floating on his back—coughing loudly.
“Looks like you managed to avoid catching fire without even defending,” the mage said. “You do have fairly good resistance to magic.”
“Thanks, I think.”
Suzuki was unsure what exactly he was thanking him for. He had just had a friggin’ fireball thrown at him!
“Most cadets are either immolated or have broken bones by now.”
“That’s good to hear. What’s next?” Suzuki had meant it sarcastically. He really didn’t want to know what was next. And when the mage answered him, all Suzuki wanted to do was go home.
“Resistance to bludgeoning and piercing weapons.”
“You’re going to stab me?”
“Not quite. You are wearing armor, and you do have a shield. Also, it won’t be me. It’ll be him.”
The mage whipped his wand again, and they were suddenly standing on the ground. A large troll materialized in front of Suzuki. The troll looked to be young, maybe a teen. Whatever its age, it was still huge. The troll easily stood a few feet above Suzuki and held a large club, and its dull eyes scanned the area, looking for prey.
“I suggest not letting the troll hit you,” the mage said.
Suzuki whipped out his shield and sword. The troll and Suzuki made eye contact as they started to circle each other.
“Do you guys just keep trolls here to beat the shit out of cadets?” Suzuki shouted as the troll advanced.
“No,” the mage said as he looked at his clipboard with a bored look on his face. “It’s part of a new infantry program we’ve been working on. Trolls aren’t like orcs. They don’t care what they smash. You just gotta point them in the right direction.”
The troll raised its club and brought it down on Suzuki, who only barely managed to get his shield up in time. The attack nearly drove Suzuki into the ground, but the shield took the brunt of the attack. Suzuki’s knees buckled slightly, but he stood his ground.
This was unreal. He was standing up to an actual troll attack. And doing it fairly easily. The troll took a step back and then attacked again. This time Suzuki stepped to the side, raised his shield, and deflected the attack at just the right moment, causing the troll to lose its balance and nearly fall over.
Suzuki smiled from behind his helmet as it dawned on him that he could actually win this fight.
The troll roared loudly and pulled one of the swords from his side. He slashed at Suzuki, who raised his shield, this time pushing back when the sword connected, forcing the troll to step back as well. He drew his sword as the troll shouted loud enough to vibrate Suzuki’s armor from the inside. The troll advanced.
“All right, that’s enough.” The mage waved his wand. The troll disappeared. “Come here. Let me check you out.”
Suzuki came up to the mage and handed the mage his shield. The mage looked over it and nodded his head. There were tons of scratches, and the shield was slightly dented.
“How you feeling?”
“A little shaky.” Suzuki patted himself down, checking for any signs of blood or broken bones. Anything. He felt surprisingly good, given a real-life troll just tried to kill him. He didn’t seem to be hurt. “But otherwise pretty good.”
“Wouldn’t have been able to tell. Not a lot of cadets deal with staring down a troll like that. You got a pretty good all-around resistance. Come on, let’s move over to the other station.”
This time they didn’t float up, just walked toward the station. Suzuki looked up at the floating stations. “Guess it’s a good way to maximize on space,” he mused.
Sandy was already at that station, lying flat on her back and groaning loudly as she held her stomach. When the mage and Suzuki got to her station, she stood up and gave Suzuki a thumbs up.
“You’re gonna love this one,” she grumbled as she limped off before he could ask what the fuck was going to happen to him.
“Oh yay,” Suzuki groaned as he stood under the giant flaming 2 while the mage circled him.
“Looks like you have a fairly high magical resistance,” the mage said. “Fairly high, indeed.”
The mage raised his hand and the section of flooring they stood on shot up, nearly as high as the ceiling. There was enough room for Suzuki to walk a couple of feet, but he quickly found himself looking over the ledge of the magically articulated floor.
“First is Featherfall.”
The mage waved his hands and cast his spell, which produced an ominous amount of chicken feathers floating in front of Suzuki’s face. Then the mage gently pushed Suzuki off of the ledge.
Suzuki shrieked and tried to grasp the ledge, but he had been pushed too far. He closed his eyes and anticipated the inevitable splat of his guts and bones against the gymnasium floor. Yet it did not come. He opened his eyes and looked around. The floor was still what seemed like miles away, the mage’s eyes still level with his.
Suzuki was suspended in the air, actually not quite suspended. He was falling, granted, at a snail’s pace.
The mage raised his hands, and Suzuki felt a sharp pain in his feet. “All right, let’s see what your body can handle.”
Suzuki looked down where his feet should have been. But instead of seeing army-issued boots, he had a mass of hairy tentacles whipping about as if they had a mind of his own.
“What the ever-loving fuck?” Suzuki shouted.
There was a popping sound like a balloon full of water coming in contact with a needle. The tentacles were gone, replaced by duck’s feet.
Suzuki opened his mouth to protest, but his voice was gone. Instead, a high-pitched quack came out.
“Hm,” the mage mused, as he jotted something down in his notebook. “Looks like your body absorbs other properties of the cast species. Interesting.”
“This is not funny,” Suzuki tried to say, but only a series of quacks came out. He folded his arms to show his disappointment.
The mage was slightly grinning and turned away to hide it. He waved his hands again, and Suzuki felt a pinch on his shoulders as bones shifted and the skin on his back split apart. Suzuki yelped from the discomfort as he reached back to touch his shoulder.
What he felt was scaly and long. He instinctively flexed his shoulders and felt the massive weight of wings flagging. Looking over his shoulder, he saw that he had sprouted massive red reptilian wings that stretched out from side to side, giving him a wingspan of nearly six feet.
The red scales shimmered like rubies, and Suzuki found that he could will them to flap the same way he could his hands to move. They felt as natural as if he had been born with them.
The mage waved his hand again, and the roof of the gymnasium pulled back until there was open sky. “Go ahead and give ‘em a try.” The mage gestured to the clouds above. Suzuki didn’t need to be told twice, beating his wings as he so
ared out of the gymnasium and into the open sky. The sun beamed down on him, and he rocketed toward the clouds. He was laughing as he shot into a large cloud, feeling its cold condensation chilling his skin before he burst out into the sunlight.
“This is amazing,” Suzuki shouted, as he did a front flip in the air and spread his wings out.
“Good. One more test from me and we’re done.”
“Cool.” Suzuki flapped his dragon wings with genuine amusement. “What are you going—” Then he heard another magical pop and the weight from his back was gone.
His dragon wings were gone, replaced by what Suzuki could only assume were tiny pigeon wings. He flapped them as hard as he could but to no effect. He was already plummeting back to the ground, and no matter how frantically he beat his little wings, the ground was still coming up at a frightening speed.
Suzuki’s legs popped and he was covered in tentacles again, but this time, each tentacle ended in a pigeon’s foot. His feet flailed around as he reached out for the ledge that was quickly passing. On the ledge, the mage raised his hands again, releasing a bunch of floating feathers into the air, seemingly taunting Suzuki.
Closing his eyes, Suzuki waited to become a red splat on the floor.
But the splat didn’t come.
Opening one eye, Suzuki realized he was floating again. Faster than before but still not fast enough to cause any lasting damage. His multiple pigeon feet touched the ground, and he fell over as he tried to make sense of his new standing arrangement.
“Will you just give me back my feet,” Suzuki shouted at the mage on the ledge.
“Excuse me,” a voice said, startling him.
Suzuki jumped and tripped over his mass of feet and found himself eye level with a female dwarf wearing a white lab coat which matched her beard. She was standing in front of him, holding a clipboard and a wand.
Evidently, she was his next evaluator. The dwarf waved the wand, and Suzuki felt his bones swell. His whole body expanded faster than he could have drawn breath.
He went from his modest 5”9’ to a whopping thirteen feet. His bones ached tremendously. It was like puberty’s growing pains all at once. The dwarf took a few notes on her clipboard and then prodded Suzuki with her wand. He instantly shrunk back down to his regular size.
