by Olivia Evans
“Guess that’s all you can ask for,” he said, crouching next to my chair. “Hey, Lonna.”
I smiled. “Hey, Gavin.”
“I hope you weren’t upset I left this morning before you woke. I didn’t want you to feel awkward or uncomfortable.”
“You didn’t have to leave, but I understand why you did. I’m sorry I had such a meltdown.”
“Don’t do that. Don’t apologize. You can’t help how you feel. I’m just glad I could be there for you.”
“Me too,” I whispered, feeling so shy, I wanted to tuck into myself. I wasn’t normally like this, but Gavin made me feel ways I couldn’t ever remember feeling. “Are we going to see Pearl after?”
“Yeah, I’d like that. I want to talk to you about a few things.”
My stomach dropped. I wasn’t sure if it was his words or his tone, but I was suddenly imagining all the ways he was going to tell me we were over. I swallowed and dropped my gaze. I couldn’t look him in the eye. “Okay.”
Melissa cleared her throat to begin group, ending any chance for him to say anything else. He stood and, with a quick promise to see me after, took his seat beside Melissa. I liked that he sat there. I liked that while we were here, the boundaries remained. I liked my space and the sense of anonymity I felt in my chair at the bottom of the circle. I looked at the familiar faces, people I’d grown to care about. People who had suffered traumatic events and still found the strength to get out of bed every morning.
“Good afternoon, everyone,” Melissa said, her eyes sweeping around the room. “I’m glad you could make it. For anyone who doesn’t know, my name is Melissa.” I listened as she went through her usual introduction, but my mind couldn’t help but wander to Gavin’s words. There’s something I want to talk to you about. Jesus, that was never good. What if he wanted to end things? What if he only wanted to be friends? I couldn’t blame him. It wasn’t like he didn’t have his own problems. Why the hell would he want to add my shit on top of his? But I didn’t want that. I didn’t want him to break things off, and I sure as hell didn’t want to be just friends. The question was, what was I going to do about it? Sit here quietly and say nothing, work through nothing, in the hope my life and my issues would magically fix themselves? No. That wasn’t going to work at all.
“…would anyone like to share?”
My mouth opened before my brain had a chance to stop it. “I had a panic attack last night.” Oh my God, what was I doing? Everyone in the group turned toward me, and suddenly, my chair at the bottom of the circle felt like a giant spotlight had been turned on it. Expressions of the people around me ranged from shock to understanding. My gaze landed on Gavin, who sat frozen, a look of tortured panic etched in his features. It hit me then that he thought I was going to tell my story, that he was going to hear what happened to me in a room full of people. Was that what I was about to do? I licked my lips and interlaced my fingers.
“I’m Lonna, by the way.” A few people murmured hellos in return. I was going to be sick.
“What caused your panic attack last night, Lonna?” Melissa asked, her voice soft and encouraging.
I dropped my eyes to my lap and sucked in a calming breath. “I don’t know. It had been a pretty stressful day. I don’t go out much anymore. Not since…” I didn’t need to explain. Everyone in that room knew what I was referring to. I cleared my throat and shifted my weight. God, this was terrifying. “Crowds…they, they make me nervous. I was at a restaurant with friends, and it just got to be too much. I thought I was getting better, and I guess I am to an extent, but…” I didn’t know how to finish that sentence. I didn’t know if I could. My hands were clammy and my chest was tight.
“But what, Lonna?” she asked.
My eyes pricked with tears, and heat raced under my skin. “What if I’m always like this? What if my friends can’t accept I’m not the person I was before? What if they leave me? I don’t want to lose them, but I don’t know how to fix this. God,” I choked, wiping an errant tear from my eye. “I don’t want to complicate their lives, but that’s all I seem to do these days.”
“We all deal with guilt,” Melissa said. “No one wants to be a burden to their loved ones, but you have to put yourself in their place. Tell me this. Would you turn your back on a friend who was in your situation?”
“Never.” My answer was automatic and forceful. Krista’s wide smile and sparkling blue eyes flashed in my mind. It caused a sharp pain to slash at my chest. I never wanted her to go through what I had, but if something like that did happen to her, I’d be by her side every second she’d allow.
Melissa’s smile told me where she was going with her question, and I let out a sigh. “You see? That’s probably the exact reaction your friends had. A support system is so important to the path of healing. Even the most casual of relationships can provide things you didn’t even realize you needed. Don’t turn down the support of your loved ones. Don’t isolate yourself. Nothing good will come from getting lost in your own head.”
“No shit,” Bat mumbled, sweeping her thumb across her still-bandaged wrist. In that moment, I’d never felt more selfish. Other than the group, did Bat have anyone else? She never talked about friends or family. Not that I had either, but I also hadn’t shared my story with the group like she had. Were we the only ones she’d told? I prayed that wasn’t the case, but at the same time, I promised myself that if it was, it wouldn’t be for much longer. Everyone deserved to have someone. I looked at Gavin, and that same feeling washed over me. Who did he have?
“I know what you’re saying is right, but that doesn’t change how I feel.”
“It doesn’t,” Melissa agreed. “But it doesn’t hurt to have a reminder every now and again either, does it?”
I gave her a weak smile. “No, it doesn’t hurt at all.”
Others chimed in after that, thankfully taking the attention away from me. I felt the heat of Gavin’s eyes burning into me, imploring me to look up, but I just couldn’t do it. I didn’t know what I’d see in his expression, and I wouldn’t be able to hold it together if I saw a goodbye in his eyes. Once the meeting was over, I walked to Bat and gave her a quick hug, letting her know I’d see her tomorrow. She seemed surprised by my gesture, but she made no move to break away from my embrace until I released her. My gaze bounced around the room, looking everywhere but at Gavin. I walked to the door and leaned against the wall, my hands clasped in front of me and my eyes down while I waited for him to finish speaking with Melissa.
I jumped when his hand was suddenly on mine, tugging them apart so he could lace our fingers together. My heart thudded in my chest, and I tried to keep my breathing even as emotions surged through me. I followed him wordlessly across the street into Lucky’s. Pearl greeted us with a smile and rushed over, wrapping first me then Gavin in a tight hug.
“I’m so happy to see you two! Go have a seat. I’ll be over in a few.”
I slid into the booth and clasped my hands on the table, my eyes down. I waited for him to slide into the other side of the booth, but he scooted next to me and used his hand to cup my jaw and gently turn my head toward him.
“Lonna, what’s wrong? Did I do something to upset you?”
I could hear the pain in his voice, and it startled me so much that I looked into his eyes, blinking with surprise. “Of course not.”
“Then why won’t you look at me?”
“I…” My throat tightened. “I’m afraid.”
He dropped his hand from my face and put as much distance as the booth would allow between us. “I would never hurt you.”
I let out a choked laugh. “I’m not afraid of you. I’m afraid of what you’re going to say.”
He was quiet for a second before he released a heavy sigh. “I have no idea what you’re talking about.”
I repeated his words to me before the meeting, and a look of understanding crossed his features. He smiled, the worry lines that had creased his face smoothing. He leaned forward and press
ed a soft kiss to my cheek.
“You thought I wanted to end things with you.”
I nodded.
“That’s not at all what I wanted to talk to you about.”
I turned to face him then, relieved but still wary. I stood by my belief that no pleasant conversation ever came from “We need to talk.” “Then what?”
“Ethan.”
Sometimes it sucked to be right. “What about Ethan?”
Gavin’s jaw clenched and his eyes darkened. “Look, I know I have no right to judge your friends, but I have a really bad feeling about him. The way he acted last night, his choice of dates… Lonna, that’s not how a friend acts. He has feelings for you that run much deeper than friendship. He seemed completely out of control. And we both know this isn’t the first time. I’m worried about you being around him.”
My throat tightened, and even though I wasn’t sure how to navigate our conversation, I was so relieved he wasn’t ending things, I felt almost dizzy. “I understand,” I said, because I did. Ethan had been completely different since the moment he found out about Gavin. I’d chalked it up to him worrying about me, with a mix of some old feelings resurfacing after I’d allowed him to get so close over the last several months. But I was beginning to understand it was more than that.
“You do?” I could see the surprise written all over his face. He hadn’t expected me to agree.
“Yeah. Ethan and I have been friends for years. As you know, he’s Krista’s cousin. About a year ago, he asked me out. We went on a couple dates, but I just didn’t feel any kind of spark with him. He took it okay, I guess, said he understood and wanted to remain friends. His sister, Bailey, used to live with Krista and me. When she graduated last December and moved away, we needed someone to take her room, and he needed a place to stay. He assured me it wouldn’t be weird, and it wasn’t. We were just friends, roommates. He treated me the same way he did Krista. Then my party happened, and I was a wreck and he was so good to me. I don’t know what I would have done without him,” I whispered. “I was so lost, and he was always there. He made me feel safe. Maybe somewhere along the way, the lines were blurred, and he thought things had changed. Maybe it’s my fault.”
Gavin looked thoughtful for a moment, as if he was choosing his words carefully. When he spoke, his voice was low, hesitant. “Can I ask you something?” I nodded. “Do you think what happened to you that night was your fault?”
I looked away. I took several breaths before meeting his gaze and shrugged. “Maybe? I don’t know.” I don’t remember, I finished in my head, too ashamed to say the words aloud. I didn’t want him to think badly of me. I didn’t want to see judgment in his beautiful blue eyes.
He lifted his arm and wrapped it around my shoulders, pulling me against him and pressing his lips to the top of my head. I let his calming scent wrap around me. I breathed deeply my eyes fell shut. Instead of telling me I was ridiculous or I shouldn’t feel that way, like Krista and Ethan did, he simply nodded. “I know exactly how you feel.”
I pulled back just enough to tilt my head until our eyes met. I smiled without thought, and his expression mirrored mine. “I know I’ve said this before, but I’m so grateful I met you.”
His smile widened, and he reached up to brush my hair away from my face. “I know exactly how you feel,” he said again, causing a chuckle to slip past my lips just as two quick flashes of bright light blinded me. I blinked in surprise and looked at the end of the table, dots of white dancing in front of my eyes.
“What the hell?” I muttered.
“Sorry,” Pearl said, her voice sounding anything but sorry. “I just got one of these new Polaroid cameras. Well, they’re not new, but apparently they’re making a comeback. Anyway, I’ve been snapping pictures of customers all day and handing them out for fun. I hope you don’t mind.”
I smiled at Pearl. “I don’t mind.”
“Perfect. Here you go,” she said, handing each of us a still-developing photograph. “Do you two know what you’d like to eat?”
I looked at Gavin and shrugged. “I’m not really hungry.”
“Want to split a burger and fries? And a piece of cake, of course.”
I smiled. “Of course.”
“So, the burger plate and a slice of cake?”
Gavin and I nodded.
“Perfect. I’ll be back in a second with your waters. Let me know if you want anything else.”
“Should I…” Gavin looked to the other side of the booth, and I shook my head. I didn’t want him to move. His grin caused my heart to flutter. I dropped the picture in my purse as Gavin slipped his inside his wallet. We relaxed into the worn vinyl seat, his arm draped over my shoulders and my head leaning against his chest. After a few moments, he cleared his throat.
“So, what are you going to do about Ethan?”
I sighed. “I don’t know. He didn’t come home last night. I think he’s staying at his parents’. I didn’t really have a chance to talk about it with Krista because she had some things to do at school. But I can’t let what happened last night go.”
“I worry about you being alone with him.”
“He won’t hurt me,” I said, even though I wondered if I was lying to Gavin or myself. Ethan had frightened me in a way Gavin never had.
“I just want you to be safe. I won’t tell you what to do, but it might be best not to plan any more group outings with all of us. If you hadn’t needed me, I don’t think I would have been able to stop myself from kicking his ass last night.”
I smiled through my nerves, trying to lighten the moment. “You would have kicked his ass for me?”
He dropped his chin to the top of my head and sighed. When he spoke, his voice was so quiet, I wasn’t certain his words were meant for me. “I don’t know if there’s much of anything I wouldn’t do for you, Lonna.”
The room was dark. I was lost in the feeling of teeth scraping against my bare flesh. Garbled words, like someone trying to speak underwater, floated inside my head. Masculine. Strong. I reached into the darkness for an anchor. I couldn’t see, but something screamed at me that I needed more, wanted more. I fought against the pull of my lids; I couldn’t fall asleep. I couldn’t miss this.
“God, you’re so beautiful.”
The smell of tequila caused my throat to tighten, and the air was suddenly siphoned from the room. Everything felt different. I couldn’t breathe.
I bolted upright in bed, gasping for air. Adrenaline raced through my veins, leaving a feverish chill and goose bumps in its wake. I pulled the blanket tighter, the material sticking to my sweat-soaked skin. What the hell was that?
I looked around the room, waiting for my heart to slow as I tried to make sense of my dream. It wasn’t real. It couldn’t be. Somehow, my dream had crossed into reality. The face was still hidden, but the voice….it was Ethan’s.
“God, you’re so beautiful.”
I shivered. That had been the same thing he’d said in the elevator after the Braves game, right before he kissed and groped me. I shook my head and pulled in a deep breath. When I did, I could have sworn the scent of tequila still lingered in my nose. It reminded me of how his breath had smelled at the bar. Suddenly, I felt like I was going to be sick. I threw back the covers and climbed out of bed. Anxiety settled in my chest, and no matter how hard I tried throughout the day, I couldn’t shake it.
I was being ridiculous, of course. It was just a dream. A stupid dream about a friend I was angry with. Ethan’s behavior had been super shitty, and my feelings about that had manifested into some bizarre upside-down reality to validate my anger. Not that my feelings needed validation. He was wrong.
“Did you hear me?”
I jumped at the sound of Katherine’s voice, my hand flying to my chest. “I’m sorry. I must have zoned out.”
Katherine’s narrowed eyes studied me intently. “You’ve seemed pretty out of it today. Is there something going on I should know about?”
“No,” I ans
wered, maybe a little too quickly. “I’m just having a really hard time coming up with a tagline for this project.” I shot my gaze to my computer, and I was grateful to see I had the right document open.
Katherine nodded. “I like the illustration, but you’re right, the tagline needs work.”
“I know,” I groaned. I’d already changed it more than a hundred times. Nothing fit.
Katherine let out a low laugh and patted my shoulder. “You still have a month.” She leaned forward, her eyes darting around us before speaking. “Yours is my favorite by far. It’ll come to you.”
“Thanks.”
“Now,” she said, her voice professional as always. “Don’t work too late. Get out of here and do something else. Maybe the distraction will help.”
I looked at the clock, blinking in surprise. It was already after five. I was supposed to meet Bat, but all I really wanted to do was go home and crawl under the covers. My mind flashed to the memory of Ethan’s whispered words, and I shuddered. No, going home wasn’t exactly ideal either. Resigned, I gathered my things and left the building.
I pulled up the address Bat had given me and flagged down a cab. The ride was relatively short, and I found myself standing in front of a row of buildings with brightly colored signs and decorations filling the windows. I moved toward the door with the number 608 painted on the top and pulled it open. The walls were adorned with various sizes and colors of graffiti, a stark contrast to the dull concrete floors.
“Bat?”
“Back here!”
I followed the sound of her voice, gasping when I stepped into the gigantic open room. The ceilings were several stories high with exposed beams, and industrial lights pointed in every direction. Large canvases, some blank, some covered in splatters and swirls of paint, were set around the room. Bat stood next to a blank one, a cart filled with different paint cans and brushes by her side.
“Wow. Is this where you do all your paintings?”
“Yeah. There are other artists who come here as well. We rent time slots and have access to a storage room. I’d like to have my own studio, but I’d need a lot more of my work to sell first.”
