by Olivia Evans
“Are you feeling any better?” I asked, keeping a little space between us, even though all I wanted to do was wrap myself in his arms and feel his warmth.
“Yeah, I am. Thank you for asking.”
My eyes widened, and I was one step away from losing my shit. “Thank you for asking?” I repeated. “What are we even doing right now? This is ridiculous. Talk to me. Tell me what’s wrong, and don’t you dare say nothing.”
“Gavin, it’s so good to see you’re feeling better,” Melissa said, causing my eyes to narrow. He’d clearly been well enough to call or text Melissa. “Are we ready to get started?”
“This is bullshit. I knew there was more to this than you being sick.” It was stupid and impulsive and childish, but I didn’t care. I was hurt and angry, so I did what anyone in my position would do. I stormed out. My heart hammered in my chest when I heard him call my name, and I hated how much I hoped he’d follow me. I’d just stepped onto the sidewalk when I felt his hand wrap around my bicep, and I had to fight back tears.
“Please, Lonna, wait. You’re right. I’ve been avoiding you. I’m sorry.” His voice was low and sincere, and it caused an ache to bloom in my chest.
“Why?” I choked. “Did I do something wrong? Whatever it is, I’m sorry.”
The tortured look that passed over his face nearly broke my heart. I reached for his hand and tugged him toward me. “Why don’t we go to Lucky’s and talk? Pearl has a new cake she wants you to try.”
“I’m still pretty tired. Maybe we should do this another time.”
My jaw tightened, and anger surged through me. I was sick of being in the dark. I was in the dark of so many aspects of my life; my relationship with Gavin wasn’t going to be one of them. “Tell me why you come to these meetings.”
Gavin shook his head and took a step away from me. “I can’t do this right now.”
“Why won’t you talk to me? Is this because we slept together, or because you think I’m a slut? Just tell me!” Tears streamed down my face, and I felt like all the air had been squeezed from my lungs. If he thought I was a slut, I wasn’t sure I’d ever recover from hearing it.
“Oh my God, Lonna. No. I would never think that about you. Are you crazy?” Gavin pulled me against his chest and wrapped his arms so tight around me I could hardly breathe. All the stress and sadness burst from inside me. I wrapped my arms around him and lost myself in his scent.
“I don’t understand,” I sobbed. “You left me. What was I supposed to think? This week has been hell.”
“Shh. I’m sorry. I’m so sorry. I never meant to hurt you.”
“Then why did you?” I asked, pulling away from him even though it was the last thing in the world I wanted. I needed to see his face. I needed to look him in the eye. God, I wished I hadn’t.
“I just… I think we need to slow things down.”
“Are you fucking kidding me? You decide that now? After all your ‘I think I’m falling in love with you’ bullshit? Well, guess what, Gavin? I’m not falling in love with you. Do you want to know why? Because I’m already in love with you, and I feel like you’re ripping out my heart right now.”
The color drained from his face. “No. You don’t mean that, Lonna. You can’t. You can’t be in love with me.”
“I know what I feel for you. I love you, Gavin. I’m in love with you.” He stepped forward, and his mouth crashed against mine; desperate, needy, and empty. It felt like goodbye. It took everything I had to keep from dropping to my knees. When he pulled away, it was like he was already gone. “Please talk to me. Please, Gavin.”
His entire body trembled, and when I looked into his teary eyes, a pit of dread filled my stomach. I took a step back, suddenly no longer interested in what he had to say. But it was too late. With three little words, he burned my world to ash.
“It was me.”
I shook my head. He couldn’t mean what I thought he did. “No.”
“It was. I’m the one. I did this to you.”
“No,” I said again, but even I could hear the uncertainty in my voice. It couldn’t be. He had to be lying. Shock, sadness, anger, and disbelief crashed over me until I felt like I was drowning. But one thing was for certain—as I stared at his broken face, I knew it was true. He was the one, and I would have given anything to go back into the oblivion of darkness. Without a moment’s hesitation, I turned and ran, ignoring the sound of his voice as I disappeared into the park. In a matter of minutes, I’d had my heart shattered into a million pieces, and I wasn’t sure I would ever recover.
There was a soft knock at the door, and I let out a slow breath before clearing my throat. “Come in.”
Krista poked her head inside and did a quick scan of the mess before crossing the room to where I sat on the bed. She offered me a cup of coffee, but I shook my head. “Are you not going to work today?”
“No.”
“Have you slept at all?”
“No.”
“Do you want to talk about it?”
“No.”
She let out a heavy sigh and leaned down to pick up the large painting I’d yanked off the wall at some point during my complete meltdown the night before. I’d tried to break it in half and rip the canvas to shreds, but she’d stopped me. I’d been too exhausted, both mentally and physically, to fight her at the time, but it wouldn’t survive another day. To know that all the light and love I’d used to surround the darkness was one and the same was too much. I still hadn’t told Krista and Ethan what happened, but they knew things were over between Gavin and me. God, were they over.
“I’m trying very hard not to push, but Lonna, you’re scaring me. This is almost as bad as that night. Please, talk to me.”
That night. She had no idea how much this had to do with that night, and unless I told her, she never would. I thought I would cry or my chest would ache or some sort of pain would manifest itself when I spoke, but there was nothing. I was numb. Hollow.
“It was him.”
I looked toward Krista, emotionless. She stared back, her brows dented as color flushed her skin, her face turning a bright shade of red. “What was him? You’re not making any sense.”
“Gavin. He’s the mystery man. He’s the guy from the party. He’s my rapist.” I spat out the last part like I was trying to get a bad taste out of my mouth, but it was coated on my tongue, thick and sticky. I shoved my hands into my hair and pulled, just to feel something, anything. “He’s my rapist, and I told him I was in love with him. I fucked him. I fucked my rapist. In my past life, I must have been a monumental piece of shit to deserve this.”
When Krista didn’t speak, I looked at her. She sat wide-eyed, her hands clasped over her mouth in disbelief. She shook her head, and I gave her a bitter smile. Tears glistened her eyes, and I looked away. I’d cried enough the night before; he wasn’t going to take anything else from me. My phone beeped, and I cut my eyes in its direction. Gavin’s name flashed across the screen, and I picked it up casually, staring at it for a beat before pulling my arm back and throwing it as hard as I could against the wall.
“Lonna!” Krista gasped. I shrugged. I didn’t care if it was broken. It was just a phone. “Please, tell me what happened. None of this makes sense.”
“I don’t know what else you want me to say. We argued, he said we needed to slow things down, I said I was in love with him, then he told me he raped me. The end.”
“So, he’s known this whole time? Why did he wait until now to tell you? Why tell you at all? I’m so confused.”
“Maybe he wanted to take me out for another spin where I wasn’t begging him to stop. Which is weird, I guess, since most rapists get off on having their victims struggle and cry. Maybe he’s a bipolar rapist. Maybe he likes chocolate and vanilla. How the fuck should I know?”
Krista let out a weary breath and rubbed her fingers against her temples. My phone beeped again, and I had to admit, I was impressed it hadn’t shattered. Krista eyed me for a second before mum
bling a quiet Fuck this and jumped from the bed. I started to protest, but I decided it didn’t matter. Whatever she read wasn’t going to change a damn thing.
“Jesus, he’s called and texted you like fifty times.”
“Clearly, he’s figured out how to work his phone again.”
“He said he needs to explain. That you don’t know the whole story.”
I scoffed. “What could he possibly need to explain? I’m pretty sure I know the mechanics of how sex works.”
“Lonna, you know something about this doesn’t add up. You have every right to be angry—you do—but like I told you yesterday, you need answers. You need to know everything.”
“Honestly, Krista, he and his answers can go fuck themselves. I have no interest in hearing what he has to say, and I don’t think I could stand to look at his face ever again.”
“Are you going to the police?” Ethan asked, causing both Krista and me to jump. He leaned against my doorframe, his posture rigid and his jaw tight, but it was his eyes that trapped me. His body vibrated with anger, but it didn’t match his eyes. I couldn’t put my finger on it, but a chill skirted up my spine.
“And tell them what?” I asked, annoyed he’d been eavesdropping. “‘Hi, I’d like to report a rape that I don’t remember’? I’ve humiliated myself enough for one lifetime, thanks.”
Ethan nodded and moved closer, his steps tentative. “Okay.”
I raised a brow. “Okay?”
“I think you’ve been through enough. Do I want him to pay for what he did? Of fucking course I do. But this is about what you need right now. What exactly did he tell you about that night?”
“Jesus Christ, why do you both keep asking me that? Are you looking for details? I don’t fucking have any, remember? I blacked out. All I know is that he said he did it, and the look on his face told me he wasn’t lying. I don’t know what game he’s playing or what cruel twist of fate sent me to the same fucking support group as him, but it happened, and I’m fucking done. I’m done with everything.”
“Don’t say that,” Krista choked, tears spilling down her cheeks. “We’re just worried.”
“I only asked because I was curious if his confession triggered any memories for you. That’s all. I’m sorry I upset you,” Ethan said, his voice soft and reassuring.
I groaned and scrubbed my hands over my face. “I still don’t remember anything. I still can’t see his face. And I can’t reconcile it with the image of him last night. He looked so broken. It doesn’t make sense. Why would he do this to me? What did I do to make him hate me so much?” For the first time in hours, I felt the familiar sting of tears.
“You need answers,” Krista said gently.
Ethan let out a menacing chuckle. “She doesn’t need to be anywhere near that motherfucker. Answers won’t change shit, and she’s been through enough.”
“You tell her,” I said with a defiant nod.
“Of course Ethan doesn’t want you to talk to him. He’s hated Gavin since the day he came into your life,” Krista argued, her voice rising.
I spun toward her, my anger flaring. “Are you Team Gavin or some shit? Because I’ve got to say, I’m getting a little sick of you defending him.”
Krista’s mouth dropped open. “Are you fucking kidding me right now? All I want is what’s best for you. If that means hunting him down and cutting off his dick, then let’s do it. If it also means getting answers to questions that are going to keep you up at night so much that you call in sick to work, then you should consider that option as well.”
I grabbed my pillow and pressed it against my face. I wanted to scream and cry and put my fist through a wall—or Gavin’s face. What I didn’t want to do was attack my best friend. I dropped the pillow and sighed. “I’m sorry. I’m clearly fucked up right now. I know you have my back.”
“Just think about it, okay? I love you.” Krista walked over and gave me a tight hug before clearing her throat and giving Ethan a pointed look.
“Right,” he said, leaning over for a hug before standing as well. “I have to run a few errands, but if you need anything, just call. We both just want what’s best for you, even if we don’t agree on what that is.”
Krista hesitated for a moment before darting back into my room, grabbing the top of the painting and dragging it into the hallway. “If you still want to cut it to shreds in a few days, fine. Until then, I’m confiscating it.”
The next couple weeks felt like an encore performance of the weeks following my graduation party. Everything was hazy and bleak. I walked around in a fog, present but not. I managed to keep my shit together at work, at least, but keeping my shit together wasn’t the same as doing a great job. My work was suffering, and it hadn’t gone unnoticed by Katherine. I couldn’t go down that path again.
Wren had also messaged me constantly. I didn’t have the heart to tell her that her brother was a filthy piece of shit rapist, so I did the kindest thing I could. I ignored her. Bat wasn’t much better. She’d called and texted almost every day. When she told me Gavin hadn’t been to any meetings since the night of his confession, I shut down.
I didn’t want to hear that. I didn’t care if he was suffering. I was glad. After all, misery loved company. Just like before, I was withdrawing into myself, and as comforting as it was to shut the world out and protect myself, it hadn’t worked before, and it wasn’t going to work this time. As much as I hated to admit it, Krista was right. I needed answers, and the only person who could give them to me was the one person I never wanted to see again.
I tightened my grip on my phone and tried to keep my nerves under control. Just the thought of what I was about to do made me want to vomit. With a final breath, I opened my text messages and pulled up his name. There was a new message from him. My skin heated with hurt and resentment as I deleted whatever he had to say. I had my rapist’s number programmed in my phone. Fucking disgusting.
I’ll be at the meeting tonight. Anything you want to say to me, you should say it then.
I turned off my phone and tossed it on the bed, letting out a groan. I had no idea how I would come up with the courage to do this, but it had to be done. I’d given that man enough power over my life.
Of course, my bravado ended as soon as the building came into sight. I paced the sidewalk down the block, my heart hammering in my chest. “I can’t do this.”
“You can,” Krista said, her voice muffled from the background noise at the gym. “Do you want me to come with you? I can be there in fifteen minutes.”
“No,” I choked, trying to remember how to breathe. “I need to do this alone.”
“You really don’t, but I’m giving you space because I’m so proud of you for doing this.”
I caught movement out of the corner of my eye and stopped pacing when I spotted Bat leaning against the brick building, her arms crossed over her chest and her brow lifted. She looked mad. Not that I could blame her; I’d basically ignored her for weeks. “Krista, I gotta go. See you at home.” I didn’t wait for her to respond before dropping my phone in my purse and turning to face my friend. Whom I’d been a dick to. Awesome.
“Hey, Bat,” I said, giving her a small smile.
“Look, I don’t know what is going on with you and Gavin, and I don’t care. It’s none of my business unless you want it to be my business. But I thought you were my friend, and these last couple weeks have really sucked with you ignoring me. You’ve been there for me, and dammit, I’d like to return the favor. I don’t have many friends, and you mean a lot to me, so don’t ignore me again.”
Tears gathered in my eyes, and I stepped forward, pulling her into a hug. “I’m sorry. There’s been so much shit going on, and I haven’t been handling it well.”
“Lonna, I tried to slit my wrist on a rusty mattress in jail. I’m quite familiar with not handling shit well. But you were there for me, and I want to be here for you. So, just let me, okay?”
“I’ll try.”
“That’s a
ll I can ask. Now, come on. Everyone has missed you.”
I didn’t say anything as I let her lead me across the street and into the building. What had become a comfort to me over the last several months now felt like a tomb. The air was heavy, thick with the scent of coffee and pastries.
My breath caught when I stepped into the room and saw Gavin. He was in his usual seat, his elbows propped on his knees and his face cradled in his hands. It only took a moment for the familiar feeling to crawl under my skin like it always did when he was close. As if he could feel it as well, he snapped his head up. Dark circles rimmed his eyes, making his already pale skin seem milky and unnatural. His cheeks were sunken in a bit, like he’d lost weight since the last time I’d seen him. Since he’d confessed to being my rapist. My expression must have relayed the change in my thoughts because his face crumpled, and he looked away. I took a shaky step forward and stumbled. My legs felt like jelly. Bat wrapped her arm around me and led me to my chair. Instead of going to her usual seat, she sat down next to me, her eyes filled with concern.
“I know I said I wasn’t going to push, but what the actual fuck happened between you two?”
Before I could answer, Melissa stood from her chair and clapped her hands together. She started the meeting as always, giving a brief retelling of who she was and how she came to be there, before welcoming new and old faces. Also as with every time she started a meeting, she sat down and asked if anyone wanted to share. When Gavin raised his hand, I felt all the color drain from my face. I wasn’t sure what I’d expected when I told him I’d meet him at the group. Maybe that we’d talk after the meeting while others were around. What I wasn’t expecting was for him to raise his hand.
“Oh shit,” Bat whispered, reaching over and taking my hand in hers. She squeezed so hard that my bones were crushed together, but it was a welcome feeling because Gavin was speaking and I was going to pass out.
