The next day, Matt wouldn’t look at me. When I spoke, he blanked me. Shocked, I started to wonder if I’d gone too far. A couple of days later, and you’d have thought I was his best friend. I watched him do the same with my mother, treating her with contempt, punishing her with his silence for something she allegedly hadn’t done, then after a day or so, buying her a lavish bouquet of flowers, apologising exaggeratedly. It hadn’t been a good day. He was under so much pressure at work. He promised he’d never do it again.
It was a pattern that recurred, so that you couldn’t tell what was coming. Calm Matt or raging Matt, or almost jovial Matt the best friend. It was impossible to predict, while over time, it took less and less to trigger moods that grew progressively extreme, until in the end, we were walking on eggshells.
I learned about change. When it’s gradual, you don’t notice it. Not at first, as it gently twists invisibly, pulling you in. It was only when I came back from uni that first Christmas, Matt’s behaviour shocked me, more so because my mother seemed blind to it. His criticism and expectations of her; the blow ups and rows over nothing of any significance that left her tiptoeing around him, terrified of upsetting him, of the unleashed anger that would follow. The fabricated accusations he would hurl at her, her protestations that went unacknowledged. Ludicrously emphatic apologies that reeked of insincerity. While I wasn’t there, the spiral had tightened.
I could forgive her the first few times. Understand when she made allowances – told herself it was a one-off, an aberration; an overreaction after a tough day at work; that it was all her fault: she pushed him too far and it was her who should apologise, not him. It would pass. Tomorrow was a new day. How deluded she was. Oh, the lies we tell ourselves.
Then the day came when she seemed to retreat inside herself, bled dry. Matt’s cruel words; narcissism, opportunism, self-interestedness, control, all of them steel grey shades that had merged into the bewildering blackness I saw reflected in her eyes. But even then, she kept repeating habitual, fatuous excuses. He can’t help it. He doesn’t mean it. He loves me. I know he does. The world has been cruel to him, too.
Feeding on her soul, each time diminishing her, it always passed. And for a fleeting moment, even though she was empty inside, the rain would always clear and the sun would come out. A sun that was progressively weakening, but still bright enough to remind her how good they were together, how much she needed him; an illusion briefly painted that couldn’t last.
Her conviction that he loved her never faltered. Love takes many guises, after all, and her belief never wavered. There was always the hope that maybe one day, things would change. It was enough to keep her holding on, to this cruellest, most desperate love that illuminated her darkness, out of fear of losing him, of once again, being alone.
The paradox of what it means to love.
Amy
Chapter Twelve
Even after what Cath said, I can’t yet bring myself to pack Matt’s clothes away. Having been through his pockets several times, as well as the drawer where we leave old letters and bills, I’ve searched every corner of the house. The police have been here and searched too, but even so, we’re still missing something.
The more time passes, the more I think about Jess’s comment, about the way Matt concealed his past. I’d always told myself that at our age, it could take years to share our life stories, but I can’t deny that there’s too much about his past I don’t know. If only there was someone I could ask. A tap on the window at the side of the kitchen startles me. Looking up, I see Lara’s face. Waving, she carries on round the back of the house and comes in through the sliding doors.
‘Hey.’ She looks anxious. Her cheek is cold as it brushes against mine. ‘Any news?’
I shake my head. ‘Nothing. There’s still no sign of him.’
‘The police have been in touch. They asked if I thought he’d taken off.’ Lara’s clear blue eyes hold mine. ‘But you know I don’t believe that. I know Matt well enough to know that if he hadn’t wanted to marry you, he would have been straight with you.’
‘Thank you.’ I keep my voice level. ‘It helps to know you think that, if only because it’s what I believed. I told the police exactly the same.’
Her hand is cool as it touches my arm, her eyes full of concern. ‘I’ve racked my brains, Amy. I can’t think of a single reason why he’d deliberately do this to you. You have to hang in there. Life can be surprising and we still don’t know what’s happened to him.’ Then it’s as if she reads my mind as she adds, ‘Someone, somewhere, must know something. People can’t just disappear, not in this day and age. Don’t you think someone must be hiding something?’
But like Cath, Lara doesn’t know everything. ‘It’s got more complicated since I last spoke to you.’ Pulling out one of the kitchen chairs, I sit down, and Lara does the same, putting her car keys on the table. ‘After he went missing, another woman reported her partner missing. Another man called Matt. Their descriptions are the same.’
A look of shock crosses her face. ‘A coincidence, surely? It isn’t an unusual name.’
But I’m already shaking my head. ‘It’s definitely him. She knew where he worked. She knew about me, too. The police have photos and CCTV footage. For ages, I tried to tell myself it was a mistake.’ I gaze blankly at her. ‘It was easier than believing the truth, which is that he’s a lying bastard. I still don’t understand how he could do this to me.’
Her eyes widen in alarm. ‘Have you seen the photos?’
I shake my head. ‘The police won’t give me any details about her – data protection, or something. But she told the police he was planning to leave me for her. It explains why he took out the wedding insurance, doesn’t it? And why he didn’t tell me?’
‘I don’t believe it.’ Lara looks shocked.
‘I didn’t, either. But I have to. And I don’t know where that leaves me. I’m hurt. Angry that he’s betrayed me. I can’t tell if this woman’s lied about him planning to leave me. Would he really have left it so close to the wedding to tell me? And no-one knows where he is or if something’s happened to him.’ With so many loose ends, so many lies, my reference points have gone.
‘I know Matt had a bit of a past, but since he met you, I thought he’d turned a page. He really seemed determined to make it work with you.’
But I’m frowning. ‘What do you mean? About him having a past?’ How come Lara knows more about it than I do?
‘For a while, there were a lot of women in his life. All casual …’
‘Hold on a minute …’ My mind is racing as I work out what she’s saying. Matt’s never mentioned any of this. I frown at her. ‘How do you know about this?’
Looking awkward, her eyes shift slightly. ‘Nothing, really. It was a throwaway comment. I mean, everyone makes mistakes, don’t they?’
Suddenly I see her with a stranger’s eyes, noting her slim figure, her smooth fair hair and radiant skin, as. my brain starts pulling the threads of what I know together, in some warped way, tying knots I can’t untangle. The calls. The way Matt would stop by to see her on his way home from work. He tried it on with Cath. Why not Lara? I stare at her in shock. ‘You and Matt … You have to tell me, Lara. I know you were friends. But was there ever anything more between you?’
A look of horror crosses her face. ‘Of course there wasn’t. I’ve been planning your wedding, Amy. Nothing’s happened between us. Look, you’re upset and it’s not surprising …’
But I interrupt her. ‘You and Matt,’ I repeat, my voice dangerously quiet. ‘I’ve never asked him. I never thought I needed to.’ I shake my head. I have to know. ‘You have to tell me, Lara. It was more than friendship between you, wasn’t it?’
She stares at me, smoothing a long strand of hair behind her ear. When she doesn’t speak, my stomach turns over. It’s like it was with Cath, as suddenly I know. Pushing my chair back, I stand up. ‘How could you?’ I’m rigid, my voice tight as I look at her.
A
s I watch her face, her eyes shift sideways. ‘It isn’t what you’re thinking.’ She speaks quickly. ‘It happened about a year before he met you. We had a fling. Sex, Amy. Just once. I was one of several women in Matt’s life at that time.’ Lara looks uncomfortable. ‘He made it very clear he wasn’t up for anything more than that. We both knew it was a mistake. Matt and I were only ever meant to be friends.’
It’s like with Cath. I want to believe her. But as I imagine them together, Matt touching her, kissing her, Lara’s long, pale hair against his skin, my suspicions run away with me. ‘It changes things. Can’t you see that?’ My teeth are gritted. If Matt had been honest when we first met, before I let Lara get close to me, before any of this started, maybe I would have felt differently. But finding out now puts a different perspective on it. ‘When you have sex with someone, it changes things. You should have told me. He should have told me. Otherwise, it becomes this big secret between the two of you that I don’t share. I thought we were friends and friends are supposed to be honest with each other.’ I break off, upset. ‘I want you to leave.’
For a moment she doesn’t move. Then she stands up. ‘This is insane. You’re overreacting, Amy. As far as Matt and I are concerned, it should never have happened. I’m sure you’re no different. You had sex with people before you met Matt, but it doesn’t demean what exists between you.’
I look at her, filled with disbelief that she doesn’t understand. What happened in my past has no bearing on anyone who’s in my life now. I haven’t lied or kept secrets, the way she and Matt have. It makes all the difference in the world. ‘How am I supposed to know whether I should believe you? For all I know, it wasn’t over. All the time I thought you were helping plan our wedding …’ I break off, defeated, my mind running haywire. ‘For all I know, you were trying to sabotage it. How do I know you’re not the other woman who reported Matt missing? Or if it was you he was with that last night?’ Whether it’s the stress or the antidepressants, my head is spinning as I stare at her. I know how irrational I sound, but something stops me believing a word she says.
Lara looks outraged. ‘This really is insane, Amy.’
‘I’ve no idea if it is. That’s the problem.’ As I speak, my hands are shaking. ‘Don’t you see, I can’t tell? I’ve just found out Matt tried it on with another woman – someone I thought was a friend.’ There could be anything in Lara’s past that I don’t know about. How well do I really know her? But I don’t want to. Not now. ‘Surely, on top of everything else that’s happening, you can understand why I feel like this?’ I watch her face for any flicker of compassion, but it doesn’t happen. ‘It’s best you go.’
Lara’s silent for a moment, then she gets up. ‘Amy, please … You’re wrong about this. I’m as worried about Matt as you are. And I’m your friend. I want to help you.’
‘Friend?’ My laugh is hysterical. ‘Friends can trust each other. To find this out now, after so many lies, can’t you understand it’s too much?’
‘I’m so sorry.’ As she picks up her keys, her face is white as a sheet. ‘I thought he was making it up. But I can see now exactly what Matt meant.’
‘What do you mean?’ The blood drains from my face. ‘What exactly did Matt say?’
‘Only that when you were upset, you became irrational.’ Her voice is suddenly deathly calm. ‘I wasn’t going to say anything, but he came round to see me – after one of your rows. He told me …’ Shaking her head, she breaks off. ‘Never mind what he said. He didn’t mention it again. When the wedding was still on, I assumed you’d reached an understanding.’
Her words leave me completely blindsided. ‘And you believed him?’ When I went out of my way to avoid rows, it was another lie. I was never irrational. There were occasional rows, but they were short-lived. ‘What else did he tell you?’ I demand. But Lara doesn’t answer. As she starts walking towards the door, I follow her. ‘Don’t you think I have a right to know?’
When the police talk to her again, she tells them that Matt had told her I was unstable. That once, I became so aggressive towards him, he was frightened for his life. That my thoughts were irrational and I’d been aggressive towards her, too. She doesn’t tell them how she and Matt had been keeping a secret from me.
At the door, she stops, then turns to face me. ‘I’d be careful, Amy, if I were you. You need to calm down. If you carry on like this, no-one’s going to believe anything you say to them.’
She walks out, closing the door hard behind her. Seconds later, I hear her car start, listening as she revs the engine and drives away. Though my face is a mask of calm, underneath my emotions are boiling. She has no right to suggest my behaviour is in any way unreasonable. And it might have been just a fling between her and Matt, but that isn’t the point.
After she’s gone, I angrily pull on my coat and go outside. Looking across the garden towards the Downs, my breath freezes in small clouds and my anger starts to dissipate. Glancing down, I take in tiny white cyclamen unfurling, their leaves still coated in frost, as a tentative sense of calm comes back. Maybe I did overreact. Maybe I shouldn’t have spoken so angrily, or accused Lara of having an affair with Matt. Maybe it was just a fling – I’ve no way of knowing. But whichever way I look at it, I come back to one fact. Both of them lied.
But it isn’t her I’m angry with. It’s Matt. It was him who’d always been so adamant that we should tell each other everything, that there should be no secrets between us. It’s further proof I’d rather not have, of how one-sided our relationship was, of my commitment versus his betrayal, my honesty and his lies, as he kept things from me. It’s like I ask the police next time we talk, what else didn’t I know?
*
My afternoon is interrupted by a call from PC Page. ‘We’ve found his phone.’
Chapter Thirteen
The faintest of hopes flickers, that at last there will be answers. But if they have his phone, where is Matt?
‘Where was it?’ I say urgently to PC Page.
‘In a street in Brighton. Luckily for us, someone handed it in. I’ll let you know if we find anything out.’
After the call ends, I imagine the police downloading his calls and messages, his photos of us; wonder if they’re mixed with photos of her. Yet more damning proof that he isn’t who I thought he was.
I think about Lara. If she was still having a relationship with Matt, it would have made no sense for her to come here yesterday, letting slip about the fling they had. But I can’t be certain there weren’t more flings. And if Matt had been seeing another woman, why not two, or more than two? My brain goes full circle. Why not Lara?
*
At least now the police have Matt’s phone, means they must be coming closer to finding out what happened to him. Later that afternoon, PC Page comes over.
When she comes inside, I’ve already decided to tell her about Lara. ‘Have you found anything out from his phone?’
She shakes her head. ‘It’s being looked at as we speak.’
In the kitchen, I switch the kettle on, my voice tight as I tell her what I’ve found out. ‘It seems Matt had a fling, just before we were together. But it isn’t that in itself. It’s the fact that he didn’t tell me, because she’s still in his life.’
PC Page looks puzzled. ‘Go on.’
Placing two mugs on the table, I sit down. ‘She’s known Matt a long time. Since we met, I thought she’d become my friend too – it’s Lara. Our wedding planner.’ I break off. How did Matt have the nerve to do that? Frowning, I remember him saying the idea of helping to plan our wedding had come from her. Another lie? ‘It came out yesterday that they’d had a fling.’
PC Page frowns. ‘And that was the first you’d heard of it?’
I nod. ‘She’s known Matt longer than I have. She said it was a one-night stand, but I don’t know whether to believe her.’ I pause. ‘It was a big thing that I felt I could trust Matt.’ I watch her face for signs that she understands, before telling her what I found
out from Cath. ‘I’ve also discovered that Matt came on to another friend of mine. She swears nothing happened. But I had absolutely no idea. It would never even have occurred to me that he’d behave like that.’
‘He really is a serial cheat. It must have come as quite a shock for you.’ PC Page shakes her head. ‘But all of this demonstrates what he’s capable of.’ After a moment of silence, she goes on. ‘I can only imagine how hard this is for you, but it’s building a picture of him. We still have no reason to doubt the other woman who reported him missing. When you take her photos and the CCTV footage, the time Matt’s taken off work, now there’s the fact that he insured your wedding without telling you.’
All of which I’ve already thought of. ‘I want to know if it’s her,’ I say slowly. ‘Lara, I mean. If you were in my shoes, wouldn’t you?’ There’s a long silence between us. ‘Her name is Lara Carmichael.’ I feel my heart beat faster, as I watch her face, suddenly panicking again. ‘God. I was right. It’s her, isn’t it?’
PC Page looks reluctant. ‘Amy, you know I can’t tell you.’
‘But you can tell me if it isn’t her?’ I persist, feeling my face flush. ‘Can’t you see what this is doing to me?’
Putting her coffee down, PC Page gets up. ‘Alright. I’ll tell you. For what it’s worth, whatever was going on between Matt and Lara, it wasn’t her who reported him missing. But I’d like to speak to her again.’
A sense of foreboding comes over me, as already I’m wishing I hadn’t mentioned Lara, dreading what she’s capable of saying about me.
‘I should be going.’ As she starts walking towards the door, her hand reaches for the latch, then she turns to look at me. ‘Amy, I will be in touch the minute I find something out. I know you’re upset, but you must understand, we’re doing everything we can.’
The Vow: the gripping new thriller from a bestselling author - guaranteed to keep you up all night! Page 9
