‘I need a word,’ he says.
‘OK.’ I need a word too. I have to set some boundaries about him sleeping here with Aurora until I’ve fully discussed it with Shelby. I have no idea whether he’d be absolutely against it or whether, these days, it’s something that’s accepted. Whichever way, the decision has to be his father’s, not mine.
We walk down through the barn and as we do, I spot one of the sheep looking a bit different to usual. If I’m not mistaken, Fluffy looks decidedly fluffier.
I stop and lean on the gate. ‘Does Fluffy look fatter to you?’ Climbing over, I go to feel the sheep’s stomach. Yes, there’s definitely a milk sack there. Underneath all that fluff, I hadn’t spotted the changes. But changes there definitely are.
‘Oh, Fluffy,’ I say with a puff of breath. ‘What have you been up to?’ I turn to Lucas. ‘She’s definitely with child. No idea how.’
‘Usual way?’ Lucas says.
‘Yeah, but we’ve had Anthony the Anti-Social Sheep’s ‘gentleman’s things’ removed to try to make him more pleasant and he’s usually the main culprit.’
‘Virgin birth? They’re quite the thing at this time of year.’
‘Ha, ha.’ I am perplexed though. ‘I didn’t think our other rams had “introduced” themselves to any of our ladies. Just goes to show what happens when you’re not looking.’
It’s those long, dark nights in the barn with nothing to do.
Climbing back out of their pen, I say, ‘We’ll have to keep an eye on her. It looks like she’s not got too long to go.’ I rub my hands together happily. That’s given me a lovely lift. There’s nothing like a baby lamb to make the heart melt. ‘Yay! We’re going to have a baby!’
‘That’s kind of what I wanted to talk to you about,’ Lucas says, kicking at the hay on floor.
‘Had you noticed too?’
He looks at me appalled. ‘What? The sheep? No.’
‘Then . . . ?’ And, a moment too late, the penny drops. So does my stomach. And my heart. And my spirits. ‘Oh, Lucas.’
‘You should be pleased,’ he says fiercely. ‘I am.’
I need to sit down, drink hot, sweet tea, put a cushion over my head. Instead, I continue to stare at Lucas, unspeaking.
‘Say something,’ he prompts. ‘Anything!’
‘Oh, Lucas.’ My head is shaking from side to side and I can’t stop it. Anything but this.
We stand looking at each other. Me growing paler as I consider the implications, Lucas getting redder as he waits for my response.
But I have no words, nothing. Shelby will be furious. Of course he will. And I’m – supposedly – Lucas’s guardian. How can I have let this happen on my watch?
I look again at Lucas. He looks thrilled and terrified in equal measures. A child yet a man. Oh, God. He needs my support now more than ever.
When I finally manage to find my voice, all I can offer is, ‘I’ll put the kettle on, shall I?’
‘That’s it?’ Lucas snaps. ‘I drop this F-bomb on you. I’m going to be a father and all you can offer is tea?’
‘Right now, I can’t think of anything else, Lucas,’ I say honestly.
‘Fuck,’ he grumbles, dropping the more usual F-bomb.
So we walk back to the tea room in stony silence while, in my head, I try to stop my thoughts from tumbling erratically and work out what on earth to do.
Chapter Forty-Six
The kids are arriving by the time we reach the yard, so I turn to Lucas and say, ‘We can’t do this now. We’ll have to discuss it later.’
‘This is important,’ he snaps.
‘I am fully aware.’
He huffs at me and marches off across the yard while I look helplessly after him. What else am I to do? I have no idea how to deal with this news and need some time to process it.
On autopilot, I sort the students out for the day and take them up to Matt in the workshop to help him. Even though my difficult conversation with Lucas is delayed, it hasn’t helped me to get my head round the situation. To the casual observer, I might look vaguely in control, yet thoughts are crashing round my brain, scattered and random.
When I go back into the tea room to prepare for lunch, Lucas is waiting. Mud on his wellies, scowl on his face. I can put off our talk no longer and I’m still no wiser as to how I’ll tackle this.
‘There’s veg to chop if you want to help me.’ I go into the kitchen and nod towards the menu. Lucas follows me.
‘Bev has decreed that we’ll have Mexican wraps today.’ So I pull peppers of every colour out of the fridge and hand Lucas a knife. We stand side by side at the counter with our pile of veg. Neither of us do anything.
‘We’re keeping it,’ is his opening gambit. ‘No matter what you say.’ Then he chops furiously at the red pepper on the board.
‘Do you love her?’ I ask.
‘Of course,’ he snaps, defensively.
‘And she feels the same about you?’
‘Yes.’
‘You’ve known each other such a short amount of time,’ I point out. ‘You should be having fun together.’ Though maybe one could argue, they’re in this mess because they’ve had a little too much ‘fun’. ‘This is a huge commitment.’
‘You think I don’t know that?’
I put down my unused knife and turn to him. ‘No. I don’t think you do.’ I take a deep breath before adding. ‘It’s very easy to say you’re going to keep the baby, but have you thought of the practicalities? Where will you live? How will you pay for a child? You earn very little here, Lucas, and Aurora is at college. Babies are bloody expensive.’
‘We’ll manage!’
‘How?’ I shout back at him in the face of his obstinacy.
‘I don’t know!’ He shouts louder.
I’m not handling this well. I need Shelby here and I need him now. ‘Have you told your dad?’
‘No.’ Lucas looks panicked. ‘You can’t tell him.’
‘I might be able to cover up your appearance at a poetry slam, but you’re not going to be able to keep a baby secret.’
‘I know what he’s like. He’ll only kick off.’
‘And quite rightly,’ I point out. ‘This is a tough one, Lucas. Accidents happen, now we’re dealing with the fallout.’
‘This is my child we’re talking about,’ he says tightly. ‘Not “fallout”’.
‘You’re right. I didn’t mean that.’
‘We don’t need anyone.’ Now an onion gets chopped into oblivion and flung into the waiting pan. ‘Aurora and I can do this by ourselves.’
‘You can’t.’ I rub my eyes. ‘You’ll need us more than ever.’ It’s going to take a whole network to look after this child and, whether Lucas likes it or not, it will probably be Shelby who ends up funding it. I’m not sure how to approach this, so I blunder in, ‘Have you considered other options?’
He looks at me aghast. ‘You mean get rid of it?’
‘There’s abortion or adoption. Have you even thought about either?’
‘No.’ He’s appalled I could even raise it. ‘Why would I want to kill my own kid or give it to someone else? That’s fucking mad!’
Glancing across at Lucas, I see that tears have welled up in his eyes and my heart unravels. He is going to need our support and love. There’s no putting this genie back in the bottle. Shouting at each other really isn’t going to help either.
‘Come here,’ I say and, without his usual hesitation, he steps into my arms. I hold him tightly. ‘It’ll be OK. It will all be OK.’
‘I want this child,’ he sobs. ‘I feel as if it’s something I can do really well. I want to be the kind of dad that I’ve never had. I want to be around for him – or her – all the time. I love Aurora. She’ll be a great mum. You’ll be like a nana. Can’t you be excited for me?’
How can I tell him of my myriad misgivings? Lucas is so young, so vulnerable. Left to his own devices, I don’t think he could feed himself or get out of bed every day. I’m s
ure that he has no concept of the new reality a child will bring. Who does? Even the most prepared and mature parent would probably agree that a new baby is like a grenade being thrown into your life. He’s naïve to think that this will be one big adventure. Plus there’s something about Aurora I don’t trust. Can I see her as a mother who wants to stay at home with a child? What if they bring a baby into the world and then their relationship breaks down? I don’t want that for Lucas, Aurora or for the baby. I’d love to be thrilled for them both but, in truth, I’m terrified at what this means for us all.
‘How far gone is Aurora?’
‘Not much,’ he says. ‘Six weeks. I dunno. Something like that. We’ve only just found out.’
But that’s much longer than I imagined they’d been intimate. Lucas swore to me that they hadn’t . . . er . . . ‘fully engaged’. Has he been lying to me about that too? It seems so. Damn. How could I have been gullible enough to believe him?
‘She’s told her parents?’
‘Yeah.’
‘What did they say?’
He wipes his face on his sleeve. ‘They think we’re young and stupid too.’
There’s no doubt that he looks very, very young at the moment standing here before me in tears.
‘We will have to tell your dad,’ I say.
‘Not yet,’ he pleads. ‘Just not yet. Let me enjoy it for a bit before he goes ballistic.’
I sigh and hug Lucas again. I had thought we were making so much progress and now this. Shelby will indeed go ballistic. That’s one thing Lucas has got right.
Chapter Forty-Seven
I serve the students their lunch, but my mind isn’t on the job at all. Lucas sits at the far end of the table, talking to no one. I try my best, but it’s Matt who has to jolly everyone along. If it weren’t for him, lunch would be a very subdued affair.
‘Everything all right?’ Matt asks quietly as we’re clearing away.
‘I’ll tell you later. When everyone’s gone.’ I don’t want this getting out until Shelby knows, but I feel I can confide in Matt and, goodness knows, I need to tell someone. Bev would usually be my first port of call, but how can I burden her with even more than she’s already dealing with at the moment?
It’s late afternoon when Shelby calls. Obviously no matinee today.
‘Hey,’ he says. ‘How are you?’
I can’t tell you how pleased I am to hear his voice. ‘All the better for your call.’
‘Something wrong?’
I should have made a list. ‘Alan’s in hospital. A mini-stroke. I’m waiting to hear from Bev to see how he’s doing today.’ She’ll phone me when afternoon visiting finishes with an update, I’m sure. ‘I might try to get to see him later, if I can.’
‘That’s awful. I always thought Alan was fit and strong for his age.’
‘Me too.’ It’s a salutary lesson.
‘Give him my best. And Bev too. How are you managing without them?’
‘Lucas has stepped up to the plate.’ Now that we’ve cleared the air between us, he’s working really hard this afternoon.
‘Good lad.’
‘And the mayor has taken a few days off work and is here to help us.’
‘Oh.’ He sounds less thrilled about that.
Best to move on to safer ground and, of course, there is Lucas’s revelation left unspoken. Having fully intending to pave the way for a conversation with Lucas about it, I now can’t bring myself to tell him. Instead, I stick to ‘How’s the show going?’
‘Good,’ he says. ‘Very good. I’m really enjoying being back on the stage and the show is different every performance. There’s a well-known comedian playing Wishee-Washee – Joe Peters . . .’
Well-known to everyone except me, obvs.
‘ . . . and he goes off-script every night. He’s known for it. We don’t know what to expect next. Keeps us all on our toes. You’ll love it. I take it you’re still able to come on Wednesday evening?’
To be honest, with all that’s going on, I hadn’t given it another thought. ‘I . . . er . . . um . . .’
‘Don’t let me down, Molly. You promised.’ His voice hardens. ‘I’ve already booked the tickets for you and Lucas.’
‘Right,’ I say. ‘Right. I’m sure it will be fine.’ How am I going to square this circle? There’ll be students in the next day. ‘Perhaps another night would be better?’
‘Perhaps not at all?’
‘No, no. I don’t mean that. We’d love to come. Lucas and I are both looking forward to it.’ Lucas is refusing point blank to be there, but now I have bargaining power. I add brightly, ‘Wouldn’t miss it for the world.’
If Shelby thinks I’m telling big fat fibs then he lets it go. ‘You’ll come up for the evening show? We could grab some dinner beforehand?’
‘Yes,’ I say, still thinking that I’ve no idea how we’ll both manage to leave the farm without Bev to babysit. This is all too complicated. The only good thing is that it might give us a chance to sit down with Shelby and tell him Lucas’s news face to face. How else will we be able to break it to him? That would surely be better. ‘That’ll be great.’
‘You could sound a bit more enthusiastic, Molly.’
‘No, I am. Really. I’m distracted with all that’s going on.’ ‘What else is there?’
‘Oh . . .’ I wrack my brains. ‘This and that. Nothing for you to worry about.’ That’s a blatant lie. ‘We’ve got a pregnant sheep,’ I blurt out.
‘I’m very pleased for you,’ he says, but doesn’t sound all that thrilled. I’m dreading his reaction when he finds out he’s to be a grandfather. I groan inwardly. ‘Well,’ he sounds very decisive. ‘I’ll leave you to your sheep as I have to get ready for this evening’s performance.’
‘I’m glad it’s working out well for you,’ I say earnestly. ‘I miss you.’
‘Not too much longer. The weeks seem to be flying by.’
For some not for others, I think.
‘Bye,’ Shelby says. ‘Give my best to the big guy. I’ll try to catch you tomorrow.’
He hangs up and I stare at the phone, so much left unsaid.
Chapter Forty-Eight
I walk up to the workshop with a heavy heart. The dogs, perhaps sensing my mood, stay close to my heels. Little Dog keeps smiling up at me in an encouraging way. Does he know that my heart is wounded?
Lucas and the students are all gathered round the nativity backdrop, paintbrushes in hand. Matt looks over and grins at me as I appear. There’s an inn with THE THREE KINGS painted in wonky letters across the top and a big yellow star at the top of it.
‘Busy bees,’ I say. ‘Looks as if you’ve done a great job.’
I think there’s more paint on the students than on their wooden scenery, which makes me smile, but they are obviously all quite pleased with their handiwork.
‘Clean up, guys. Home time soon.’
I usher the students to the sinks and watch them scrub paint from their hands and faces. After that, I supervise them cleaning their brushes. Matt tidies away too and when we’re done, we all walk down to the yard.
‘Aurora’s picking me up,’ Lucas says.
‘OK.’ I don’t want to see her, to have that awkward conversation, so I’ll try to make myself scarce. ‘Take your key to the van. I’m hoping to go up to the hospital later and might be out when you come home.’
‘I can take you,’ Matt say. ‘And Bev, if she’d like a lift. I know how tiring it can be going back and forth for hospital visits.’
‘That would be very kind of you. Can I offer you some supper as a thank you?’
‘As long as you wouldn’t mind me jumping in your shower? I’ve got clean clothes and stuff in the back of my car.’
‘That’s fine.’
So we see the kids off for the day and I keep out of the way when Aurora drives up in her car and toots her horn. Lucas rushes out. I think he’s as keen to keep her away from me as I am to avoid seeing her. I feel cross that, in this d
ay and age where it’s so easy to avoid an unwanted pregnancy, they have both been so irresponsible.
Matt gets his clothes from the car and I find him some clean towels before showing him how my shower works. Then I go to find something for supper. I decide to have a night off being vegan – it feels too much like hard work – and opt for knocking together some omelettes. So I quickly nip out to the tea room to pinch some cheese from Bev’s stash in the kitchen.
While I’m cracking eggs, I wedge the phone to my ear and call Bev. ‘Matt’s still here and we’re going to come and collect you to take you to the hospital once we’ve had a bite to eat.’
‘That’s great. It feels like I’ve only just got home from visiting this afternoon and it’s time to go back. I’m so glad not to be going alone.’
‘How’s Alan doing?’
‘He’s fine,’ she says. ‘Another couple of days and they think he’ll be OK to come out.’
‘Good. We’ll pick you up about seven. See you then.’
We both hang up as Matt comes out of the bathroom in fresh clothes, rubbing his damp hair in a towel. Some of his ‘stuff’ must have involved aftershave as he smells of lemon, jasmine and musky amber.
‘I’ll swap with you and then I’ll make us cheese omelettes. Does that suit?’
‘I can do them while you shower,’ he says. ‘I’m a man of many talents.’
I grin at him. ‘I’m beginning to realise that.’
So I shower, standing under the hot water and letting it pour over me. I close my eyes and breathe deeply, but it fails to soothe me. When I come out, Matt continues making the omelettes – really excellent ones – and my stomach unknots slightly. While we eat, I tell him Lucas’s news.
‘Aurora is pregnant and he’s thrilled.’ I shake my head, still perplexed. ‘Me, less so. They’ve only been together for five minutes and I’m worried sick for them both. His dad will be beyond furious.’ And, I hope that I’m wrong, but I can’t help feeling that I’ll be the one picking up the pieces.
Christmas for Beginners: Fall in love with the ultimate festive read from the Sunday Times bestseller Page 19
