‘I adore you,’ I tell him through my own tears. ‘My life has been infinitely better with you in it.’
‘Yeah,’ he sniffs, ‘but you had a shit life before.’
We both manage a laugh at that.
‘I know you think your dad doesn’t care, but he does.’ Then I think about Shelby heading off to Los Angeles. That bombshell has yet to come. How will Lucas cope with that? ‘Bev and Alan love you like family. And all of the students hero-worship you.’
‘You can’t tell my dad,’ he insists. ‘He can never know about this.’
‘He would understand.’
‘Promise me,’ Lucas says. ‘It has to be just us.’
‘Bev and Matt know, too.’
‘They won’t tell, though, will they?’
‘No. Because they love you as much as I do. You’ve made a very good friend in Matt. If you don’t want to talk to me, you can always confide in him.’
He nods. ‘I feel like such an idiot. I believed Aurora. I really believed her.’
Then he cries like the child he is for the child that he’s lost. And, as I don’t know what else to do, I join in and cry for Lucas and for my own loss too.
Chapter Seventy-Five
Lucas and I stay up well into the night talking and, for the first time ever, he really opens up to me. He tells me all about his mum and what she was like. I learn about his hopes and dreams for the future. He tells me how much he loves it here with the animals and it makes my chest swell with pride. For the first time, he’s like an open book. I cherish it all and hold it in my heart as I feel it might not last. He drinks more tea, eats some toast and, by the time we fall into bed at three o’clock, I think we’re both in a better place. Only time will tell.
I’m so sad for him that his hopes of love, of a family have ended in such a shattering way. It’s sounds so trite to say ‘it’s for the best’, but I’m sure that it is. From the start, I thought that Aurora wasn’t right for him. Lucas is learning too fast that life isn’t always easy and I hope that I can steer him through it.
I get up, as usual, at five-thirty, but I leave Lucas sleeping. I’m sure he’ll have an almighty hangover when he does wake. I pull on my clothes, unleash the dogs, and go out into the fresh, frosty morning. My excitable hounds run round checking all their favourite spots. Whatever happens in the world, this place is an anchor. The dogs are still relentlessly cheerful, the sheep remain stupidly stoic and the alpacas will always be naughty.
After yesterday’s drama and subsequent lack of sleep, I feel all wobbly today and it’s more of an effort to heft the food around, but this lot won’t wait for their breakfast. I take more time with each of them, handing out a little extra food, sneaking a little extra cuddle. It works with the students and it works with me too – animals are calming and their love is unconditional. I sit in with the bunnies and guinea pigs and they all come to have a snuggle on my lap – after which, my equilibrium is greatly restored.
Bev and Alan turn up. I wait while they kiss and cuddle as if they are to be parted for ten years. Eventually, Alan disappears into his workshop.
Bev scrutinises me with a laser gaze. ‘How are you doing?’
‘I’m OK. I did, however, not have the restful evening I’d planned.’ I fill her in on the events of last night.
‘You should have phoned me,’ she admonishes, as I knew she would. ‘We could have come to look with you. Fancy going out on your own – after what you’ve been through.’ The last bit in a stage whisper.
‘All’s well that ends well,’ I say. ‘Lucas is still in bed for now.’ ‘That poor boy,’ Bev tuts. ‘He’s had a bucketful.’
‘Better that he’s found out now.’
‘You’ve not told Shelby?’
‘He remains blissfully unaware of all of our issues.’
‘Probably for the best,’ she says.
‘Least said, soonest mended.’
‘Promise me that you’ll take it easy today, Molly. Otherwise, I might just have to march you down to the doctor’s.’
‘I fed the animals, but promise that I’ll do nothing more remotely strenuous.’
‘It’s a glorious day. We could take the animals out for a walk. I’m sure kids and creatures would appreciate that.’
‘As long as they’re all wrapped up.’
‘I’m going over to clean the cottage tonight,’ she says. ‘And you’re not coming. Alan and I will do it.’
‘But . . .’
She holds up a hand. ‘Talk to that.’
‘Can I come if I promise to sit on a chair and watch?’
‘Yes,’ Bev says. ‘But don’t make me tie you to it.’
‘OK.’
‘I do have some good news,’ my friend offers. ‘We counted up the money from the open day last night and we took a shade over two thousand pounds. How about that?’
‘We did? That’s fantastic.’
‘People were very generous and I have plans for lots more,’ Bev says with a wicked twinkle in her eye.
‘It’ll be like Alton Towers,’ I tease.
‘Never,’ she says, ‘But it will help our finances considerably. More importantly, the kids love it too. It’s good for them to be involved in something like this. They were all so proud of themselves, they were buzzing.’
‘I know and I’m very grateful to you for pushing me out of my comfort zone too. Just be gentle with me. This is all very new.’
Then the students start to turn up. ‘I’ll sort this lot out,’ Bev says. ‘I bet they’ll all still be hyper today. You tend to Lucas.’
‘Thanks. You’re an angel. I’ll go and see how he is.’ But before I can do that, Matt’s car turns up too.
‘Aye, aye.’ Bev nudges me. ‘Hot Mayor alert.’
With a grin at her, I go over to the gate and Matt jumps out of his car. ‘Can’t stop,’ he says. ‘On the way to an event. Christmas craft fair to open.’
‘It’s good to see you.’ And seeing him has, indeed, lifted my spirits. ‘I was going to contact you to thank you for all your help at the open day. Bev’s just told me we raised over two grand plus we had a very generous donation from our celebrity Santa.’
‘Wow. That’s great.’
‘Thank you for being part of it.’
‘You know if there’s anything else you want me to do, you only have to ask.’
‘Well . . .’ I say hesitantly. ‘There is one thing. Penny and her mum are moving into the cottage at Shelby’s manor. I was wondering if you were free at all on Friday. They need to get out while her husband is at work. If you have any time at all . . .’
‘I’ll make time,’ Matt says. ‘Tell me when and where you want me and I’ll switch my diary around.’
‘You’re so very kind.’
‘There is, however, a price,’ he says with a grin. ‘You have to come to my charity ball.’
‘I thought you’d be taking Victoria. She seemed very nice.’
‘She is.’ He holds out his hands. ‘It didn’t quite work out for us. A few dates and the conversation ran dry. We’re different people. She wants fancy bars and designer what-nots. Like you, I’d rather be a foot-deep in cow poo.’
I laugh. ‘And I thought I came across as an elegant sophisticate.’
‘Say you’ll come,’ he begs. ‘It’s for your cause and I hope it will raise a lot of money. It would be so much better if you were there.’
‘How can I say no?’
‘Excellent. I like a bit of gentle bribery and coercion.’
Weirdly, I no longer feel quite the terror that I would have done at the thought of attending a posh event like that. I’ve come a long way, I’ll tell you. I have to thank Bev for that, and Shelby. They’ve both forced me to do things that I could never have imagined before.
‘Why are you grinning?’ Matt asks.
‘Not so long ago something like a charity ball would have filled me with dread, but I might actually be looking forward to it. Just a little bit.’
/> ‘I’ll make sure you have a great night.’
And, the thing is, I know that he will. Matt won’t ditch me while he talks to pretty young things or holds court. Above everything, he’ll make sure that I’m all right, that I enjoy myself too. ‘Stay for tea?’
‘Can’t,’ he says. ‘I have to dash. I just wanted to say hello while I was passing. Let me know what time on Friday and I’ll be there.’
I lean on the gate and watch him go. It’s totally and utterly wrong of me to be relieved that it didn’t work out with Victoria, right? But I am.
Chapter Seventy-Six
Lucas is quiet and withdrawn but I’m sure that, given time, he’ll learn to live with this new pain. But it’s so sad that he has to. My heart still bleeds for him.
In the evening, I go with Bev and Alan to clean the cottage for Penny and her mum. Lucas comes along too and we add a few extra touches to make the place seem more welcoming.
On Friday morning, Matt turns up as promised and we drive to Penny and Jess’s current home. I probably could have done this myself, but it’s nice to have Matt as back up in case there’s any trouble. When we arrive, they are both ready and waiting, anxiously, suitcases packed. As quickly as we can, we load them into Matt’s car. Thankfully, there’s no sign of her husband or any nosy neighbours, but I can tell that they’re both nervous and keen to be gone.
‘It’ll be OK,’ I assure them. ‘We’ll support you all we can.’
‘There’s so much to think about,’ Jess says. ‘My brain’s in a spin.’
‘I think you’ll feel better when you see where you’re going to live. It will give you some breathing space, if nothing else.’
So we set off, two fearful women in the back of the car, and head towards Homewood Manor. They’re quiet en route and I understand that. They don’t know what the future holds and have put a lot of trust in me to bring them this far. Yet as we turn up at Homewood Manor, punch in the security code and wait for the tall gates to swing open, I hear Jess gasp.
‘Is this where we’ll be living?’
‘Yes,’ I say. ‘You’ll be safe here.’
‘Look at this place,’ she whispers. ‘Won’t we be grand, Penny?’
‘You’re in the cottage next door to the main house,’ I tell her. ‘But there’s a housekeeper who lives here and a gardener who comes in every day. So you won’t be completely by yourselves. You need a code for the gate and the whole place is covered by CCTV. It’s as private and secure as it can be.’
‘Who lives here?’
‘It belongs to my partner, Shelby. But he’s away at the moment.’ And for the foreseeable future. ‘You can stay as long as you need to.’
We pull up next to the cottage and, with Jess and Penny still looking slightly dazed, go indoors.
Waiting inside are Bev and Lucas. Dear Bev has laid out a nice lunch ready for us all. She’s also done a big shop for Penny and Jess and I know that the cupboards are filled with enough food to keep them going for the next few weeks, at least.
Lucas is standing by the Christmas tree that we put up as an extra surprise and, as soon as he sees us all, he turns on the lights. ‘Ta-dah!’
They fill the room with a welcoming glow.
Jess looks at me astounded. ‘You’ve done so much.’
‘We wanted to make it as cosy as possible,’ I say. ‘I hope you’ll be comfortable here, but do let me know if there’s anything else you need. We’ve tried to think of everything.’
‘We’ll be happier here,’ she says. ‘I know. Won’t we, Pen?’ She hugs her daughter to her.
‘Yeah.’ Penny looks relieved to be here too and that’s good to see.
‘You have friends who’ll support you through it,’ I remind her. ‘Don’t struggle with this alone. If you need to chat or to see a friendly face, you’re welcome at the farm anytime.’
She looks at the rest of the cottage and then we all sit to share lunch. There’s a nice, festive atmosphere and it’s good to see that Lucas and Penny are getting on famously. I even hear him laugh.
Matt looks across at me and winks. Well done, he mouths.
Thanks, I mouth back.
After lunch, we leave them to settle in. They wave at the door as we head down the long drive and back towards the farm. We pull up at the gate and I sit in the car next to Matt, enjoying his company. I have much to do, but am reluctant to get out of the fuggy warmth with the heater on full blast, toasting my toes. My eyes are heavy and I’m drowsy, feeling the effects of my missing night of sleep earlier in the week that is now catching up with me.
‘That was a job well done,’ he says.
‘I feel happier now they’re out of that situation. I hope they like it there. Shelby says they can stay as long as they like.’
‘That’s very generous of him.’
‘He’s a good man,’ I say honestly. This is a very kind thing for him to do.
‘Lucas seemed a bit quiet,’ Matt notes.
‘Long story.’ If there’s one person I can confide in, it’s Matt. ‘He’s no longer going to be a dad. The baby isn’t his. She has a much older lover. Married. It seems that Aurora was possibly already pregnant when they met. She’s been stringing him along all the time.’
‘That’s harsh, but there must be a part of you that’s relieved.’
‘There is,’ I admit. ‘But I’m hurting for Lucas. He’s devastated.’
‘Poor lad.’
‘A tough lesson,’ I agree. ‘But he’s young and I hope he’ll bounce back. I’m trying to spoil him a bit at the moment. Help him through it.’
‘Is Shelby supportive?’
‘He doesn’t even know,’ I confess. ‘Lucas won’t hear of it.’
Matt nods. ‘My lips are sealed.’
‘I know that I can trust you.’ And I do. I don’t think I’ve ever met a more straightforward, genuine man.
‘I’ll look out for him,’ Matt says. ‘If you need me to.’
‘I’m sure he’d appreciate that.’ I smile. ‘I know that he likes and respects you. With Lucas, that’s a rare thing.’
Matt laughs. ‘I take that as a very great honour.’ Then he glances at his watch. ‘I’ll have to go. One last job to do for today.’
That means I have to get out of the lovely warmth of his car and the comfort of his steadfast company.
‘I’ll see you soon, Molly,’ he says. ‘Not long until Christmas now.’
‘Do you know what you’re doing yet?’
‘Going home to my family,’ Matt says. ‘Just for a few days, but it will nice to see everyone. I haven’t been up there for a few months.’
‘I hope you have a wonderful time.’
‘My sister will make sure that I’m fed on the hour, every hour. I’ll come back as fat as a house.’
‘That’s what Christmas is all about.’
Matt laughs. ‘What about you?’
‘A quiet one. I expect it will just be me, Lucas and Shelby.’
We have both been studiously avoiding making plans. I don’t even know if he wants to spend it here or at Homewood Manor and I’ve yet to hear if the contract is signed – though I feel it’s a given.
We’ve still been Skyping each other while the panto continues unabated, but with less regularity. There are secrets hanging between us now and I feel that withholding so much from him makes conversation more stilted. We never really get beyond exchanging pleasantries. Perhaps this is the difficulty of long-distance relationships.
‘I’ll try to pop up again before I leave,’ Matt says. ‘I’d like to wish Lucas a merry Christmas.’
I look to see where Lucas is, but he came back with Bev and must have already disappeared into one of the barns. Having taken the morning off, we have a lot to catch up on this afternoon.
Reluctantly, it’s time for me to go out into the cold and get on with my day. ‘I should go.’
Matt leans over and gently kisses my cheek. ‘Merry Christmas, Molly.’
‘Merr
y Christmas, Matt.’
Then I open the door, get out and go through the gate. Matt reverses down the lane and I watch as he goes. My head is whirling with all kinds of thoughts and emotions, but I can’t catch onto any of them. However, I do know that I’ll be glad to see the back of this week.
Chapter Seventy-Seven
We don’t have students here at the weekend, as a rule. So, today, it’s just me and Lucas. Yesterday, he spent most of the day secreted in his room, only coming out for meals, so I hope he’s feeling a little more amenable today. All I want is a nice, quiet Sunday with no drama.
All the animals seem fine this morning. The alpacas are well-behaved and even Anthony the Anti-Social Sheep is quite sociable. The temperature is dropping rapidly and we seem to have our own much chillier micro-climate here on our exposed site so I give everyone a little extra food as we’ll do all through the winter.
When Lucas eventually wakes up, he’s in a reasonably good mood, which is a relief. ‘You seem a bit better today,’ I venture as I pour some cereal into a bowl for him.
He puffs out a world-weary breath as he slides into a seat at the table. ‘Life goes on, right?’
‘It does.’ I put his breakfast in front of him and, with a little more than lethargy, he tucks in. I join him and we eat in companionable silence.
Eventually, he looks up from his bowl of cereal. ‘I wrote a poem about it.’
I glance at him hopefully.
Preceded by a lot of tutting and sighing, he says, ‘I suppose you’d like to hear it.’
‘Very much so.’
‘OK.’ Lucas flicks open his phone and, on a deep breath, says, ‘ “The Unfired Bullet”.’
My slate is clean
my page unwritten,
my slice of life
as yet unbitten.
My conscience clear
I’m indecision,
no prejudice to queer my vision.
No allegiance
no concern,
no moral compass to discern no hopes,
no dreams,
no blind ambitions,
no regrets,
no learned repressions.
Christmas for Beginners: Fall in love with the ultimate festive read from the Sunday Times bestseller Page 29
