Not Until Forever (Hope Springs Book 1)

by Valerie M. Bodden

  “I’m not—”

  Spencer ignored him and gave the dispatcher their location, then shoved his phone into his pocket.

  “Okay, Dad, we need to get you to the house. They aren’t going to be able to get an ambulance back here.”

  “I’m not going in any ambulance.” Dad sounded stronger now. “It’s just indigestion. We have work to do.” He pushed to his feet, and a moment of doubt hit Spencer. Was he overreacting?

  But the second Dad was upright, he sagged. Spencer reached out a quick arm to help him to his feet. “You’re not fine.” Spencer’s voice was firm. “You’re getting on this ATV with me. And then you’re getting into that ambulance and going to the hospital.”

  “Don’t tell—” Dad stopped and doubled over, bracing his hands on his knees. His breath came in short gasps.

  “This time I am telling you what to do, and you’re going to do it.” Spencer steered his father toward the ATV. “Get on.”

  To his relief, Dad obeyed.

  Spencer climbed on and eased the ATV into gear. He wanted to push it as hard as it could go, but he wasn’t sure Dad was strong enough to hold on through that.

  But driving slowly gave him too much time to think. He should have recognized the signs earlier. Should have insisted that Dad take a break. Should have told Dave he couldn’t help. Should have. Should have. Should have.

  Finally, the farm’s long driveway came into view. Spencer dared to throttle up a shred more. Behind him, Dad’s arms went slack. His full weight slumped against Spencer.

  In the distance, the wail of sirens split the air.

  Spencer prayed for them to come faster.

  Chapter 3

  Sophie smoothed her fingers over the translucent skin of Nana’s hand.

  She’d come to the hospital first thing this morning, but the nurses said Nana had been in and out because of the morphine.

  So far today, she’d only been out.

  Sophie had considered talking to Nana while she slept, but every time she tried, she stopped. It felt too awkward. So she’d settled for holding her hand instead. When had Nana’s skin become so thin and wrinkled?

  Growing up, Sophie had never thought of Nana as old. She wore jeans and kept her white hair long and burst with energy. When they’d biked together, Sophie had struggled to keep up.

  But now.

  Now, the skin on her face was folded into wrinkles and stained with age spots. The little hair she had was thin and stuck up in wisps around her head. Tubes and monitors ran into and out of her body.

  Sophie rubbed at her eyes. As a kid, she couldn’t have imagined going a week without seeing her grandma. Now, she couldn’t even remember the last time she’d visited Nana. It must have been way back in undergrad. Christmas of her freshman year, maybe? Before she’d started making excuses not to come home.

  How had she cut Nana completely out of her life? The woman who had taken her out on the lake every weekend as a kid when her parents were too busy signing deals to notice her. The one who had made cookies and cocoa with her on winter weekends as they sat up together late into the night. The only person she’d confided in when the boy she had a crush on in middle school liked someone else.

  Nana had always been there for her.

  And when Nana had needed her, when she’d been diagnosed with cancer, Sophie had been nowhere in sight. She’d been too wrapped up in her own career to call more than once or twice.

  Sophie swallowed against the ache in her throat.

  She needed some coffee or something. But she couldn’t convince herself to leave Nana’s side. What if she woke up and Sophie wasn’t there? What if it was the last time she ever woke up and Sophie missed her chance to say goodbye?

  Then again, the thought of going through with that goodbye made her want to run screaming from the room. Maybe it’d be better to let Nana go like this.

  Sophie pushed to her feet. Mom had been right. She shouldn’t have come.

  She’d taken two steps toward the door when a soft sigh from behind stopped her.

  She hesitated a second, indecision pulling her in two directions at once.

  “Sophie?”

  Hearing Nana’s voice made the decision for her.

  Her feet kicked into a run, adrenaline pushing her toward the elevator at the end of the hall. Ignoring the calls of the nurses behind her, she slipped through the door as it slid closed.

  Inside the elevator, she heaved in a breath and jabbed blindly at the lowest button on the panel. As the elevator descended, she tried to get a grip on her emotions.

  It wasn’t like her to lose control like this.

  Slowly, her breathing calmed. Her heart rate came back into normal range. She’d been foolish to run like that. That much she could admit. But it didn’t mean she was ready to go back up there.

  She wasn’t sure she ever would be.

  The moment the elevator doors opened, she barreled through them.

  Right into someone solid.

  Coffee sloshed onto the floor at her feet, and Sophie sidestepped to avoid it.

  “Oh, I’m sorry, I—” But her voice failed the moment she lifted her eyes.

  “Sophie?”

  The heart rate she’d finally gotten under control took off again. Every rational thought fled her head.

  Except his name. “Spencer.” It came out as an exhale.

  Patches of mud caked his clothes, joined by a spreading coffee stain on his t-shirt. His hair was tousled, and his cheeks sported at least a day’s worth of stubble. But somehow, he looked better than ever.

  He moved a step closer, raising his arms slightly as if to give her a hug, and Sophie’s stomach swooped. But half a step in, he seemed to think better of it and stepped back.

  “What are you doing here?” Spencer used the crumpled napkin in his hand to wipe futilely at his shirt.

  “I came to see my grandma.” And had utterly failed at it. She looked away, blinking furiously. If she had to run into Spencer during this trip, it wasn’t going to be while she was showing her own weakness.

  “Oh, hey, it’s okay.” This time Spencer did pull her in for a hug.

  Everything in her stiffened, then relaxed at the familiar press of his arms around her. He smelled sort of woodsy and . . . Spencer-y. She managed a shaky breath.

  After a second, he cleared his throat and released her, taking a not-so-subtle step backward.

  “Thanks.” Sophie picked at a nonexistent piece of lint on her shirt. She couldn’t look at him. If she did, it’d be too hard to remember that he wasn’t part of her life anymore.

  “Is your grandma okay?” Spencer’s voice was guarded, yet compassionate.

  Sophie shook her head, swallowing hard. “Not really. The doctors don’t think it will be long.” Her breath hitched. “I wanted to say goodbye, but . . .” She shook her head again. What kind of person ran out on her dying grandmother?

  “But you never were good at goodbyes.” Spencer said the words simply. Sophie searched his eyes but didn’t find any signs of bitterness there.

  “No, I guess I’m not. I just—” She didn’t know how to explain it.

  “I know.” Spencer moved a fraction closer. “But, Soph, if you woke up tomorrow and your grandma was gone, wouldn’t you regret not talking to her today? Even if it’s hard.”

  In spite of herself, Sophie nodded. Of course Spencer was right. Then again, he’d always been way better at the emotional stuff than she was. For him, saying I love you had always come naturally; for her, it was a constant struggle to get the words past her lips, even though she loved him. Did love him, she reminded herself. Past tense.

  Spencer gestured toward the elevator. “Come on. I’ll ride up with you. I was going that way anyway.”

  Sophie froze. How had she been so dense? Obviously Spencer didn’t just happen to be at the hospital when she needed him. For all she knew, his wife was upstairs ready to give birth to their first baby. Or their second. A lot could have happened in fi
ve years.

  She forced the words out. “What are you doing here anyway?”

  Spencer seemed to wilt right in front of her, and he suddenly looked exhausted. “My dad had another heart attack this morning.”

  Sophie inhaled sharply. “I’m sorry. Is he— I mean, will he—” Her tongue felt all tangled up. How could she ask him that?

  Spencer rescued her. “He’s in surgery. The doctors don’t know—” He looked away and rubbed at his already tousled hair. The move was achingly familiar. It had always been his tell for when he was upset.

  She laid a hand on his arm without thinking. His poor family had already been through this once.

  “Anyway.” Spencer pressed the button for the elevator. “If you wouldn’t mind praying for him, I’d appreciate it.”

  “Of course.” Sophie stepped into the elevator ahead of him. No sense letting him know it’d been so long since she’d prayed that God had probably forgotten who she was by now. Her prayers wouldn’t do his dad much good.

  The elevator door closed behind Spencer, and they rode up in silence. The weight of everything they hadn’t said seemed to fill the small space, sucking out all the air.

  When the doors finally opened on the third floor, Sophie’s feelings were so knotted that she wasn’t sure if she was relieved or disappointed.

  Spencer gave her arm a gentle squeeze. “You can do this.”

  Sophie nodded and stepped out of the elevator. She forced her feet to carry her down the hall toward Nana’s room. It took all of her willpower not to turn around for one last look at Spencer.

  Finally, she couldn’t resist any longer.

  But when she turned back, the elevator doors were closed.

  Chapter 4

  Spencer stepped off the elevator on the fourth floor, feeling like he was moving through water. Or maybe a dream.

  When Sophie had walked away from him five years ago, he’d been sure that’d be the last time he’d ever see her. Seeing her again—it was surreal.

  She looked almost the same—same flowing blond hair, same sleek figure, same dark, fitted business suit. But the worry in her eyes. The fear. That was new, and he’d wanted so badly to take it away. To make things better for her.

  He stopped his thoughts right there. That wasn’t his role anymore. He couldn’t let himself go down that path again. He couldn’t handle having his heart smashed by her a second time.

  And based on the way his heart was acting right now, that’s exactly what would happen.

  Mom was still pacing the waiting room when Spencer walked back in. He knew better than to tell her to sit down. He’d already tried half a dozen times—and she’d been on her feet again within a minute each time. It was what had driven him in search of coffee. And a few minutes of peace.

  Too bad he had neither to show for his trip to the lobby. Running into Sophie had only left him in more turmoil than ever.

  “Any word?” He had to put his focus back on what was important. On being here for Mom. On praying for Dad. On holding their family together.

  Mom shook her head, then stopped short. “What happened to you?”

  “What?” Spencer followed her gaze to his shirt. “Oh. Someone bumped into me.”

  She nodded absently, as if she’d already forgotten her question, and resumed pacing.

  “It was Sophie, actually.” He’d promised himself he wouldn’t say anything, but the words shot out of him anyway.

  “Sophie?” Mom’s voice jumped, and the slightest hint of a smile touched her eyes. “I’m so glad you asked her to come. Where is she?” She peered around him as if he might be hiding his ex-girlfriend in his back pocket.

  He shook his head. “She came to see her grandma. It’s—” He saw again that haunted look in her eyes as she’d told him the news. “It’s near the end.”

  Concern furrowed Mom’s forehead. “Oh, I’m sorry to hear that.”

  Not for the first time, Spencer marveled at his mother’s compassion. Here she was, pacing a waiting room, not knowing if her husband would survive, and she was worried about someone else. Not just anyone else, but the woman who had walked away from him, who had never been willing to meet his family, let alone become part of it.

  “Tell her I’ll keep her family in my prayers.” Mom pressed a hand to her heart.

  Spencer eyed Mom. Tell her? When did she think he was going to see Sophie again? “Mom, I’m not—”

  She lifted a finger in warning. He may be an adult, but the gesture still had the power to silence him. “Since the moment you two broke up, I’ve told you God has his ways of bringing people together when the time is right.”

  “I wouldn’t start planning the wedding just yet,” Spencer said dryly. He believed in God’s power as much as the next person, but he was pretty sure that wasn’t what was at play here. It was just a coincidence. One that would pass over soon enough. Until then, he’d just have to do his best to avoid Sophie.

  And to keep Mom from getting her hopes up.

  “Tyler hasn’t called yet?” A stab of guilt jabbed him at the cheap tactic to change the subject. But it worked.

  Mom’s face fell. “He’s busy. I’m sure he’ll be here soon.”

  Spencer held back his snort. When his brother had taken off ten years ago, he’d made it clear he had no intention of ever returning. Hadn’t bothered to visit for even a day last time Dad was in the hospital. As usual, he’d left everything to Spencer to take care of.

  If they were really lucky this time, Tyler would call to send his love.

  Love, his foot. In Spencer’s book, love meant being there for people.

  A weight pressed on his chest. Who was he to talk? Dad had always been there for him. But where had he been when Dad needed him this morning?

  “Mom?” His voice came out scratchy. “I’m sorry.”

  She paused and really looked at him, then crossed the room and had her arms around him in a second flat. Her head only came halfway up his chest, but that didn’t matter. He felt safe here.

  “This is not your fault.” Her voice was firm and sure.

  He nodded. But that didn’t stop the tears that dripped from his chin into her hair.

  Sophie had been standing outside Nana’s room for ten minutes, trying to work up the courage to step over the threshold. It felt like taking that step would mark a turning point in her life—one she wasn’t sure she was ready for.

  But Spencer was right. She’d never be able to live with herself if she didn’t say goodbye. Even if it was the hardest thing she’d ever had to do.

  She pulled in a quick breath and stepped into the room, her heels clicking against the floor tiles.

  “Nana?” She sounded like a little girl who wasn’t sure if she was in trouble. Which was exactly how she felt.

  Nana’s eyes had been closed, but she opened them and turned her head toward the door. Her smile made the wrinkles on her face stand into ridges. Sophie moved closer to the bed and took Nana’s outstretched hand.

  “I’m glad you came back.”

  Sophie sniffed and dropped her gaze to the floor. “I’m sorry about before.”

  But Nana pulled her closer and smoothed a hand over her cheek. Sophie closed her eyes. She was supposed to be here to comfort Nana, and here Nana was the one offering comfort, just as she always had.

  “No worries, my Sophie. This is easier for me than it is for you.”

  Sophie gave a weak laugh. Somehow, she didn’t think dying was the easier option.

  Nana grimaced as she shifted in the bed.

  “You’re uncomfortable. Do you need more morphine?” Sophie reached for the button the nurses had showed her and held it out to Nana.

  “Not right now. I want to be awake to talk to my Sophie. Anyway, I can handle a little pain in my life. Soon I’ll be going where there’s no more pain.” She said it matter-of-factly, as if she were commenting on the weather.

  Sophie winced. “Please don’t talk like that, Nana.”

  �
�And why not, dear? You don’t want me to go to heaven?” Nana’s eyes held that glint they always took on when she was teasing.

  But it wasn’t funny. “Not yet, no.”

  Nana let out a half-laugh, half-cough. “That’s my Sophie. Same stubborn tone you used to give me when I told you to go to bed and you wanted to stay up. It didn’t work then, and it’s not going to work now. I’m ready to go home to heaven, and whenever Jesus is ready to call me, there’s nothing you can do about it, so you might as well accept it.”

  Sophie gazed toward the window, unwilling to meet Nana’s eyes. She didn’t accept it. Not by a long shot. But it was better to appease her grandma, just like she’d done as a kid, going into her room but lying up reading for hours into the night.

  Nana patted her hand. “Tell me about your life in Chicago.”

  Sophie breathed easier. This, at least, was a safe topic. “I’m at Heartland, one of the biggest real estate developers in the country. I’m on track to become VP in record time.”

  Nana waved a hand through the air. “I’m proud of you for that. But I didn’t ask about your job. I asked about your life. What do you do with yourself when you’re not working?”

  Sophie shrugged. “Not much. I’m pretty much working all the time.”

  Nana’s wrinkles deepened. “Are you happy?”

  Sophie was ready to toss off a flippant yes. Of course she was happy. She had a prestigious job, an apartment to die for, everything she’d worked so hard to achieve since she was a little girl.

  But that empty feeling from last night pressed on her chest. She pushed it away. “Don’t worry, Nana. I’m happy.”

  She ignored the niggling doubt that squirmed into her thoughts.

  Nana’s gaze cut through her. “Don’t forget that life isn’t all about achievements. They’re nice in their way. But they’re never going to fill you up. They’ll never replace love. Don’t go through life alone, Sophie. You’ll miss so much.”

  Sophie shifted in her seat. Nana was wrong. Being alone was the only way to guarantee you never disappointed anyone. Never failed to live up to their expectations.