Not Until Forever (Hope Springs Book 1)

by Valerie M. Bodden

  Tyler’s eyes widened, and he looked for all the world like the raccoon Buck had treed last fall. “I’m not sure yet.”

  “You married Julia, right?” Violet pressed on, apparently oblivious to the fact that her signature hospitality was killing his brother. “How’s she doing?”

  Tyler opened and closed his mouth. “Uh—”

  Spencer jumped in. “Where’s your friend?” he shot at Sophie. “How long’s he staying?” He shouldn’t have said it. He didn’t want to know the answer.

  “He’s not—” Sophie started, but her phone gave a sharp blast that made her jump. The moment she looked at the screen, her brows drew together, and she lifted the phone to her ear.

  “This is she,” she said after a second.

  As she listened to the caller, her face went white and she pressed her lips together, drawing her hand to her forehead as if shielding her eyes from the sunlight.

  Spencer was moving before he realized it, passing Lucas to Tyler and crossing the store to stand at Sophie’s elbow.

  She didn’t look at him.

  After a moment she spoke into the phone. “Thank you for letting me know. I’ll be right there.”

  She hung up the phone but stood staring at it. Her ragged breaths tugged Spencer closer.

  “Sophie?” He reached toward her.

  “That was, um—” She licked her lips and swallowed. “That was the hospital. It’s my grandma. She’s gone.”

  Spencer didn’t think. He just leaned over and wrapped his arms around her, pulling her into him.

  She didn’t resist. Her arms went around his back, and she buried her face in his neck.

  Spencer could feel his heart slipping.

  But he didn’t care.

  Right now it wasn’t his own heart he was worried about.

  Right now, he would give anything to heal the pain in hers.

  Sophie clutched Nana’s cold hand, swallowing over and over to keep the tears at bay.

  Seeing her grandmother like this made her feel like the first time she’d ever been on a boat—wobbly all over, as if the laws of physics no longer applied to standing still.

  She swayed, but a firm arm wrapped around her from behind and held her up.

  “It’s okay.” Spencer’s voice was low, steady. Reassuring.

  Sophie took in a couple of deep breaths, letting his presence calm her.

  “She looks so—” Sophie couldn’t think of the word to describe how Nana looked.

  “Gone, I guess,” she finished.

  Spencer’s hand moved in small circles on her back. He’d sent Tyler and the twins home in his truck and insisted on driving her to the hospital.

  A flood of memories threatened to drown her. Nana standing at the helm of her boat, the sun hat she’d perched on her head flying off in the breeze. Or pulling a fresh batch of cookies from the oven, a dusting of flour on her nose. Bandaging yet another scraped knee Sophie had managed to get roller skating because she could never get her gangly legs under control.

  Nana was in heaven now, like she’d wanted. She’d been ready.

  But Sophie wasn’t.

  A light tap on the door was followed by soft footsteps. “Doing okay in here?” It was the nurse who had led them into the room half an hour earlier. She’d become Sophie’s favorite in the last few days. Always attentive. Always seeming to know when Sophie needed to talk and when she needed to be left alone with her thoughts.

  Sophie nodded. She couldn’t find her voice.

  “Take your time.” The nurse laid a small canvas bag on the table near the bed. “Feel free to use this to pack up your grandmother’s things. Or we can do that for you if you’d prefer.”

  Sophie shook her head and shot a desperate look at Spencer.

  “We’ll do it,” he told the nurse.

  The nurse patted Sophie’s shoulder on her way past. “I’m sorry for your loss. Your grandma was a special lady.” She paused in the doorway, as if deliberating. “When she first came in, she talked to me a lot. I’d fallen away in my faith because of—” She waved a hand. “Well, for a lot of reasons. But your grandma helped me see God again.” The woman ducked her head. When she lifted it, her eyes were shining. “She made a big difference in my life.”

  Sophie pressed her lips together. Why couldn’t she have gotten here sooner, so she could have had more of those conversations with Nana? She hadn’t even realized she needed to talk about those things until she’d come home. And now that she wanted to talk, she had no one to talk to.

  Spencer gave her arm a gentle squeeze. “I’ll pack up this stuff.”

  As he stepped around the bed, she was seized with the urge to grab him and pull him back toward her. Having him here was the only thing getting her through this. But he’d only come because he was a good man. He had a girlfriend, his own life, to get back to.

  She moved Nana’s arm and settled onto the bed next to her motionless form. “I’ll miss you, Nana.”

  On the other side of the room, Spencer quietly emptied the chest of drawers that held Nana’s possessions. Sophie kept talking to Nana. It wasn’t weird with Spencer here, the way it had been with Chase.

  “Uh, Soph?” Spencer interjected when she fell silent.

  She lifted her head. Spencer was standing over the chest of drawers, holding a thick leather journal. “I think you should see this.” He crossed the room and held it out to her.

  Sophie’s hand closed around the leather, and her breath caught. Embossed in gold on the cover were the words “Sophie’s Wisdom.”

  “What is this?” She lifted the cover carefully as if the book were a rare treasure. Inside, the first page was covered with Nana’s familiar, small handwriting. Sophie fanned through the rest of the book. Nearly every page was filled. She flipped back to the beginning and read out loud.

  “My dearest Sophia. You were born today, and what a precious child you are. I am starting this journal for you to share the things I’ve learned in my life that you may not be ready to learn for a long time. But when you are, they will be here for you, even if I’m not.”

  Sophie cut off, swallowing down the sobs that threatened to overtake her. From the day she was born, Nana had been thinking about what she’d need for her future. And what had Sophie done for Nana?

  Left her.

  Ignored her.

  She turned back to the page, but the words blurred.

  A gentle hand lifted the book from hers. “Your name means wisdom.” Spencer’s voice was low and sure as he read. “It’s a fitting name. My prayer for you, on the day of your birth, is that you would turn away from the wisdom of this world. From a desire for fame and glory and achievement. For recognition from people. That wisdom is too fleeting, too easily lost. I pray that you seek instead the wisdom from above. The wisdom that tells you that you are loved unconditionally by your heavenly father. And by me.”

  Spencer stopped reading and wrapped an arm around her shoulders, pulling her in close.

  “I don’t deserve that,” she choked out.

  Spencer’s laugh was gentle. “That’s why they call it unconditional.”

  Sophie pressed her face into his chest and let him hold her. Just for today, she’d let herself believe that was true. It was better than admitting she hadn’t come close to living up to Nana’s expectations.

  Chapter 13

  Sophie’s whole body felt like a spring that had been coiled beyond the breaking point.

  She rubbed her heavy eyes, relieved for the break in the receiving line. She knew it was a testament to how many lives Nana had touched that the line had stretched to the back of the church for the past hour, but if she had to accept one more person’s condolences, she was going to lose her hold on the emotions that had hovered at the back of her throat for the three days since Nana’s death. Three days that she’d spent holed up in her room, reading Nana’s journal. Though its words brought her comfort, they also scraped at her already raw heart.

  Sophie glanced at
her parents, one on each side of her. She longed for them to grab her hands, to squish her between them the way they had after Jordan’s death. But neither even seemed to care that she was there.

  “I’ll be right back.” She said the words to both—or neither, she wasn’t sure. “I need some water.”

  In the lobby, Sophie let out a long breath, then forced herself to inhale for a ten-count.

  Now that she was out here, she realized she needed fresh air more than water. She pushed through the lobby doors.

  Outside, a thick fog had rolled in, cloaking everything in a gray mantle. She caught the scent of the lake.

  What if she . . .

  Before she could complete the thought, she’d kicked her shoes off and dashed to the steps that ran alongside the church and down to the beach below.

  The cool sand curled over her toes.

  She dropped her shoes and made her way to the spot where the waves licked the shore.

  The sharp cold of the water sent pinpricks up her feet.

  “What do you want from me?” The words ripped out of her as she peered into the nothingness of the fog. She didn’t know who her question was directed to, only that she was desperate for an answer. “How am I supposed to get through this?”

  A lone sea gull’s scream was the only answer.

  “You’re sure you’ll be okay?” Spencer’s fingers fumbled to fasten the tie at his neck as he stepped past a screaming Lucas. He tried to ignore the knot of panic in his stomach. The funeral started in half an hour, but how could he leave his brother alone with the twins, who’d been in a howling fit all morning?

  “I’ll be fine.” Tyler bent to scoop a toy car out of William’s mouth, setting up another round of yells. “I’m their father. I have to learn to do this on my own at some point.”

  Tyler shoved Spencer’s hands away from the tie, taking over for him. “I’m more worried about you.”

  “Me?” Spencer pretended not to know what his brother was talking about.

  “Seriously, Spencer. You’ve always worn your heart on your sleeve. Just don’t hand it over too easily. I know you care for this woman.”

  Spencer opened his mouth to argue, but Tyler cut him off. “If you didn’t, you wouldn’t have spent last night telling me every detail of every time you’ve seen her since she’s been back.”

  Yeah, Spencer had known that would come back to bite him.

  “I’m just saying—” Tyler cinched the knot around Spencer’s neck. “Be there for her, but not too there. Her feelings are probably all mixed up right now. What might seem like affection is probably just her dealing with her own stuff from her grandma’s death.”

  Spencer nodded. Tyler was right. He knew he was. But that didn’t change the fact that he was determined to help Sophie through this. It’s what friends did for each other.

  With a last glance over his shoulder at the screaming twins, Spencer dashed out the front door.

  Fog clung to him as he jogged to his truck. He’d be pushing it to get there in time.

  He leaned forward in his seat to peer through the fog and spent the drive praying that he’d know how to offer Sophie the comfort she needed. She’d managed to hold back her tears at her grandma’s bedside the other day, just as she always had, but he knew how much she must be hurting. It shredded him to think of her suffering like that alone. But that was Sophie. Even when they were dating, she’d never let him in completely.

  He’d spent nearly every moment of the three days since her grandmother died fighting down the urge to call her, to burst into her parents’ house and be there for her. He’d had to remind himself about a billion times that it wasn’t his role anymore. But no matter how many times he repeated it to himself, he couldn’t simply stop caring about her. Couldn’t shut off the way his heart ached to be there for her.

  Well, you have to.

  Sophie wasn’t his anymore. She had a new life. A new boyfriend. A new support system.

  She’d only let Spencer comfort her the other day because he was the only one there.

  The fog grew thicker as he got closer to the water, and Spencer had to slow almost to a crawl. But his thoughts were clearer than they’d been since Sophie returned. He pulled into the church parking lot with a new resolve. He’d go to the service, pay his respects, and then say goodbye and not think about Sophie again.

  His plan steeled his steps as he exited the truck and strode toward the church. He could do this.

  Inside, Sophie’s parents stood at the front of the church, receiving the last few people waiting to offer their condolences. Spencer’s eyes roved the crowded church, but he couldn’t pick out Sophie’s golden hair. He spotted Violet sitting near the back.

  He moved to her and leaned down to whisper, “Where’s Sophie?”

  “I don’t know.” Violet shifted to make room for him. “I haven’t seen her yet. Her mom said she went to get some water, but that was a while ago.” Worry hovered in her eyes. “Maybe I should go find her.”

  Spencer stood. “I’ll help.”

  As they opened the doors to step into the lobby, the pianist began to play “How Great Thou Art.”

  “We have to hurry.” Violet pushed him into the lobby. “Sophie wouldn’t want to miss this.”

  Actually, Spencer was pretty sure that’s exactly what Sophie wanted. Whenever things became emotionally difficult, she ran.

  “You check the bathrooms.” He was already striding toward the long hallway off the lobby. “I’ll see if she’s in one of the conference rooms.”

  Violet nodded and sped in the opposite direction.

  Spencer’s thoughts skipped over all the places Sophie might have found to take refuge from her feelings. But as he passed a side exit, his eyes tracked to the beach, barely visible through the fog, and he knew.

  He shoved out the door and charged down the rickety stairs that led to the beach below. He found her abandoned shoes at the bottom and scanned the sand in both directions. A smudged figure stood at the edge of the water a hundred yards down the beach. Spencer kicked off his shoes and set off toward her at a run. But he’d only covered half the distance between them when he started to question himself. Wasn’t this exactly the kind of thing he’d just promised himself not to do? He slowed to a walk. She hadn’t noticed him yet. He could turn around and walk away. Let her grieve in peace. Deal with things in her own way. It was what she’d want anyway.

  He stopped, a collision of indecision, longing, and fear making it impossible to move.

  At that moment, she glanced over her shoulder. Her hair swept around her face, making her look young and vulnerable. But it was the bleakness in her eyes that made his decision for him.

  His steps devoured the distance between them, and he crushed her to him. She stiffened for a second, then sank into him. He breathed in the strawberry scent of her hair. He could stand like this forever.

  But they didn’t have forever.

  After a few seconds, he moved his hands to her arms and gently nudged her back a step. “What are you doing out here, Soph? The service is about to start.”

  As if on cue, the church bells began to ring behind him.

  Sophie winced and turned toward the smear of water and sky. In the fog, it was impossible to tell where one started and the other ended.

  “I can’t do it again.” Her lips barely moved as she spoke.

  Understanding washed over Spencer. How had he not realized it earlier?

  All of this must be bringing back so many memories. “Jordan?”

  She flinched at his name. In all the years he’d known Sophie, she’d only talked about her brother a handful of times.

  “I feel like the day we—” She bit her lip, and he was afraid she’d shut him out as she had so many times before.

  But after a second, she continued. “The day we buried him, something broke in our family. My dad kind of checked out. And my mom—” A shiver shook her frame, and Spencer shrugged out of his suit coat and draped it over h
er shoulders. She pulled it tighter around herself but didn’t look at him. “She was so angry. I think she turned off her feelings that day. And I’m afraid—” A wisp of hair fluttered onto her cheek, and Spencer automatically reached to tuck it behind her ear. She closed her eyes for a second, and he jerked his hand away. What was he thinking?

  “You’re afraid?” His voice came out hoarse.

  Sophie sighed deep and long, the sound mimicking the brush of the waves against the beach. “I’m afraid maybe I turned off my feelings, too. And now, with all of this—” She gestured toward the church. “It’s like they’re trying to turn back on and—”

  Spencer waited, barely breathing. She’d never been this open with him before.

  “And it hurts,” she finished in a whisper.

  “Ah, Soph.” It wrecked him to see her like this. But maybe it was what she needed. “It’s not bad to feel.” She opened her mouth—surely ready to protest—but he didn’t let her get a word in. “I’m not saying it’s always pleasant. But that hurt you feel? That’s only because you felt so much love for her.” The same reason he’d been so destroyed when Sophie had left him. He pushed the thought aside. “And if you let yourself feel that hurt now, it will get better someday. You’ll be able to heal. But if you don’t—if you keep trying to run from those feelings, they’ll catch up with you eventually. And it will be so much harder.”

  Her eyebrows lowered, and she opened her mouth, looking ready for a fight. Spencer held up his hands to fend off the tirade. But instead of an argument, a strangled sob escaped her. She covered her mouth and turned away from him. But in a second, he’d spun her back around and pulled her close.

  “It’s okay.” He stroked her hair. “You can cry. It’s okay.”

  The sobs rocked her body, and all he could do was hold on and repeat that it was okay, that he was there.

  When her tears finally slowed, he leaned back a fraction.

  “I don’t think your grandma would have wanted you out here, alone, thinking about how sad you are. She’d want you to be in there, celebrating that she’s in heaven.”

  “Now you sound like her.” A slight smile lifted the edges of Sophie’s lips, and it was all he could do not to lean down and kiss them.