I point to the tan and black. He finds a sales clerk, shows her the boot, then comes back to me. “I asked her to bring a 10 ½ and an 11.”
“Thanks. You know, I’ve bought boots before. I can do this.”
“Not insulated boots. Besides, you’re leaving tomorrow, so I can’t take you out or anything. Well, that’s assuming you’d want to go out with me.”
“That would be nice. Maybe when I get back?”
“Sure. I can wait. Maybe we can text or even FaceTime? You can show me the lights when they’re out.”
“I’ll do that.”
The sales clerk brings two boxes. I try on both pairs and pick the size eleven.
Jag brings me three more pairs of socks. “You’ll need these. How about gloves?”
“Yes. They’re on my list.”
He holds out his arm. I roll my eyes. “Are you always such a gentleman?” I take his arm and we start walking.
“Just doing what my dad taught me. Actually, the only other woman I’ve offered my arm to is my mom.”
“What about to all the girls who must follow you around at school?”
“Haven’t noticed them.”
“How can you not have a girlfriend?”
“We broke up.”
“When?”
“Last week.”
“Why?”
Jag stops and faces me, his face serious, jaws tight. “Because her father found out my legal name is Jaghan, and my father is Iranian. He didn’t want her dating a rag head, he said. Which is ridiculous since we’re a Christian family. Her father fought in Iraq, so I’m a murderer of Americans.”
“I’m so sorry. That’s horrible.”
“I wanted you to know up front. I’d rather you walk away now than later.”
I drift between his eyes and wonder how anyone could walk away from them. “I thought we were going to find gloves.”
“You sure?”
“Positive.” I grab his arm, and we start walking. “My mom and dad are very white, but my mom’s current boyfriend is Indian. I’ve never thought anything about race. Except when I saw you.”
He stops. “Yeah?” His forehead wrinkles in worry.
“I wanted to know what combination of races made your face so pretty.”
“Pretty?” He laughs. “I was hoping for ruggedly handsome.”
“How about beautiful?”
He nods. “OK. If you say so. My mother is Italian and African-American. They’re upstairs shopping for furniture.”
I hold his arm, and we find the gloves. The XL don’t fit him—such a shock. Thankfully, I’m just a medium, though I’d expect to wear large considering my arms.
I see a sign for knives and pull Jag’s arm toward it. “I also need a knife, pepper spray, and flashlight.”
He stops. “Flashlight. Yes. But why the others?”
“I’m a girl. I need protection.”
Wrinkles form in his brow. “In Alaska?”
“Anywhere, Jag. I wish I’d had something earlier today.”
“What happened?”
“An unexpected encounter, but nothing you need to know about right now. Do you want to help me find them, or not?”
“Sure.”
I find a Cabela’s Alaskan Guide folding knife—perfect name, as far as I’m concerned. Also, a Sabre Red pepper spray and a small but powerful flashlight.
I see Mom and call to her. “Come meet my mother.” He pulls his arm away, but I grab it back. “No worries, Jag. She’s cool.”
Mom walks toward us pushing a basket. She smiles and raises her brows when we’re close together. “Did you find your boots?” she asks.
“Yes, and some other things. This is Jagger Ray, also known as Jag.”
“Nice to meet you, Ms. West,” says Jag, offering her his hand.
Mom shakes back. “Nice to meet you, Jag.” She glances at me and widens her eyes.
Quietly, I say, “I know. Right?” We both stare at his face.
Jag tilts his head toward me. “Laney, do you have time to get a coffee? There’s a Starbucks right across . . .”
“I’m sorry, Jag. I don’t. I have finals tomorrow, and I have to pack.”
“And you leave tomorrow at what time?” he asks.
“Five thirty.” I answer. “So Mom and I have to head for the airport right after school. I’m sorry.”
“OK.” He pulls out his phone. “Call me sometime.”
“I will.”
“Glad to meet you, Ms. West.”
“Same here, Jag.”
His eyes meet mine, and he sighs. “Glad I met you, Laney.”
I grab his hand with both of mine. “Sorry I sucker punched you.”
“I’m not.”
“We’ll talk.”
He nods and pulls his hand free, walks backward a few steps, then turns around and moves toward the stairs.
“We need to leave, Delaney.” She walks toward the checkout area. “Where’d you find him?”
“He found me in the hunting blind section.”
“What were you doing there?”
“Looking for the tent I lied about.” She glances sideways at me. “The one I thought I saw Dad and Gibbs go into. Khannan told me.”
“Did you find it?”
“Yeah. Except I was the one in the tent. Just don’t know why yet.”
She stops and scrunches her eyes at me. “That makes no sense to me.”
“Nor to me right now.” We get in line to pay. “Mom, I understand how you felt when you first saw Dad.”
“Like someone sucked all the breath out of you and blew hot air onto all your erogenous zones?”
I cough a laugh. “Exactly like that. But I’d never phrase it to you that way.”
“Well now you can next time it happens.” She grabs my hand. “Do you wish you’d kept your flight on Friday?”
“No. I need my sister and my Dad more than a boyfriend right now.”
“But you’ll never forget Jag is here, waiting for you to return. As well as me.”
She looks straight into my eyes, and I know she’s worried I might not come back.
14
As we walk back to the car, my phone rings.
“Do you think it’s Jag?” asks Mom.
I see Gibbs on my screen and swipe to accept. “Hey, Gibbs. What’s going on?”
Mom stops and sucks in her lips.
“You’re still coming, right?”
“Sure, I am. Just bought warm clothes and boots.”
“Maybe I should wait in the car,” says Mom as she walks ahead of me, punching the asphalt with each step.
I press the unlock button on my fob and watch Mom toss the bags into the back seat, open the passenger door, sit, and pull the door closed a little harder than normal.
“It’s been damn cold today,” says Gibbs. “And now it’s snowing.”
“Is it dark yet?” I ask. “I just found out about the length of daylight up there. Will that be hard to get used to?” I open the back door on my side, toss in a bag, then shut it.
“I’m still not used to it! It sucks. But we’re just coming off a full moon, so that’ll help.”
I lean my back against the car, feeling Mom’s eyes bore into me. “Hey, Gibbs. I’ve got to drive my mom home. We just finished shopping. Can I call you back in a little while?”
“Does your mom hate me?”
I walk a few steps away from the car. “I don’t know. Do you hate her?”
“I did, but it’s complicated, Laney. I’m sure you don’t know everything that happened between us.”
“No, but I’m beginning to learn. I’ve gotta go. I’ll call you as soon as I can.”
“OK. Bye.”
I open the door and sit down.
“What did she want?” asks Mom.
“Reassurance that I’m still coming.” I start the car. “Thanks for the clothes, Mom. I know this trip will be hard on you.” I back up and head toward the parking lot exit.
/> “I know you need to see your father, but I’m not happy Gibbs will be there, a pregnant Gibbs, no less. I never understood why Sean couldn’t let her go.”
“How long have they known each other?”
“All their lives. Since elementary school, anyway.”
“Really?”
“They were high school sweethearts. Party animals, according to Sean. He got her pregnant their senior year. He wanted her to stop drinking and smoking pot as soon as he knew, but she didn’t. She miscarried. He told me that event changed things between them.”
“Changed how?”
“He wouldn’t marry her. They had their flings, but he said he’d never commit to her.”
But Dad did commit to Mom when she became pregnant with me. She probably expected he would.
I move toward the expressway. A car cuts in front of me, so I have to brake quickly. “Gibbs told me she’s lost four of his babies, three by miscarriage.” I glance over and see Mom staring straight ahead then close her eyes. “No comment?”
“I’m sorry, Laney. Such a terrible loss. She thinks seducing him is a game, and the blood drains from his brain into his penis every time she does.”
I bite my tongue. Didn’t she do the same to him seventeen years ago? “Do you think Dad cares for her?”
“I think he feels sorry for her. And partly responsible for her issues. He introduced her to drinking and drugs. He was able to stop when he needed to, but she wasn’t. He’s always blamed himself for her problems, and she takes advantage of that to keep him close.”
Because he regrets the choice he made years ago. Just like I regret my choice. “I’m sure her looks make it harder for him.”
“Of course.” She blows out a breath. “Her looks. Do you think for one minute he’d still be with her if she looked like me?”
I move toward the exit ramp. “He stayed with you for thirteen years.”
“Because of you and my money and sometimes because he thought I was fun in bed. But Gibbs was always lurking in the shadows. The episode at the park wasn’t the first time he cheated with her.”
I stop at a red light. “I’m sorry, Mom.” I realize where I am—the same intersection I crossed during lunch to head for the park. I feel an urge to turn right and drive to the trailhead with my knife and spray and look for that bastard. And the blind. Why does this crazy thought fill my head? I start to turn the wheel . . . then Mom shifts in her seat and looks at me.
“For my entire life, I’ve been considered plain, the girl who’d be described as having ‘a great personality.’”
The light turns, and I drive forward. “You have pretty eyes.”
“I have big eyes. No lashes and sparse eyebrows. In my younger days, I used lots of makeup, wore pushup bras, heels, and starved myself to get a little crease in my middle. But there was always the real me to face in the morning mirror. Then I declared war on lookism, wore nothing on my face, and entered graduate school in theoretical physics. I was one of two women in a cohort of forty. Neither Beverly nor I could attract interest even in that crowd, so we hit the bars, dressed to kill, and hoped for the best.”
She hugs her purse to her stomach. “When I saw Sean, I knew what men would never feel looking at me. Gibbs and her friends were beautiful and sexy, and I was disgusted by men’s reactions to them. But I couldn’t help feeling the same attraction to Sean. Just looking at him was foreplay.”
I stop at an intersection and glance at her, trying to keep a straight face.
She looks back with a twisted smile. “Is that too much information?”
“No. It’s about time we talked like this.” I turn into our subdivision and punch in our code. “So you talked to him every chance you could, found out what he liked to do, then used pool and boating to get him to have sex with you until you were pregnant with me.”
“It wasn’t quite as emotionless as you make it sound. But, yes. That was the plan.”
“How’d you know he’d marry you?”
“Because Sean is at heart a good man. He wouldn’t shirk his responsibilities unless he had no choice. And because he’d told me about Gibbs’ miscarriages and how he wouldn’t have left her alone with his child.”
I park in our driveway then reach over and squeeze her arm. “Dad loved you, Mom.”
“Maybe sometimes.” She stares out the windshield into the past. “But I know he never fell for me the way I did for him.” She turns her face toward me and smiles. “He did love his Baby Girl, though. From the minute he saw you, he was in love. He cherished you. I had to spend more and more time at school, so he was your main caregiver. I couldn’t have asked for a better father for my child. Which was why I overlooked all the other times he cheated.”
“Other times?”
“Yes. But he always managed to keep them secret. He came back ashamed and apologetic. He would never leave you. The time at the lake was different because you saw them. And you wouldn’t forgive him. He couldn’t stay.”
I remember Mom telling him to leave. It wasn’t me. “You sent him away.”
“You screamed at him and wouldn’t let him near you. He couldn’t stand that, so he left.”
Tears flood my eyes, dripping off my chin. She opens the door and retrieves the bags. I wipe my face and push myself out of the car.
“You wanted him to stay?” All the weight of blame I had ever put on myself comes crashing down.
“Part of me did, but I knew it would happen again and again. It wouldn’t have been healthy for either of us. I had to find someone else.”
I wipe my wet face with my sleeve. “Do you love Khannan?”
“Not in the same way as I did Sean, but I do love him. His wife ran off with another man, so we both found each other on the rebound. Not as intense as our first loves, but still good for each of us.”
“I don’t know why I was so mean to Dad.”
“He broke your trust. You never knew about Gibbs before that day. We’d both been able to keep her out of your life. We did our best to hide our troubles from you. Seeing your father have sex with another woman would be traumatic for any 13-year-old.”
“But I was the reason he left you.”
“You were the reason he stayed as long as he did. If it weren’t for you, I wouldn’t have had any time with him.” She touches my face, wiping lingering tears away with her fingertips. “I’d love to be there when he sees you. You’ve grown so much the past three years. You’re such a beautiful girl, Laney. I can’t believe you came from me. We don’t even look alike.” She moves her hand back to her purse.
I feel a widening gap between us. I take a step toward her. “I do have your eyes.”
“No, you have my big irises. The rest of your eyes are from Sean, thank goodness. And your mouth. The rest of you—I don’t know.”
Her eyes move down and up my body. I feel a chill.
She picks up her bags. “Frankly, you remind me of what Gibbs would’ve looked like in high school.” She walks toward the house.
I can’t move. My chest begins to ache until I realize I haven’t taken breaths. I remind her of Gibbs? Just recently, or always? She said Dad cherished me. He called me Baby Girl and Laney. She always called me Delaney. No endearments. No nicknames.
She was jealous of how he looked at me and treated me because she knew he loved me more than her. The cool relationship I always felt from her is real.
I remind her of Gibbs.
15
I was the reason she lured Dad away from Gibbs, and I was the reason she lost Dad to Gibbs. I’m sure she regrets sending me to look for Dad that day. Somewhere, another version of Hannah Strong cooked hamburgers with her daughter and waited for Sean West to return from wherever he wandered off to. Later that evening, they had an argument about Gibbs while their daughter slept peacefully in her bed.
Mom knows that other version exists. How often has she dreamed of it?
I try on all the clothes Mom bought in my room, cutting off tags before pack
ing them in my bag. Khannan just gave us the ten-minute warning for dinner.
I hear a knock on my door. “Come in.”
Eddie appears then closes the door behind him. He does not look happy.
“What happened at lunch? I needed you to explain how to prove identities.” He folds his arms over his chest.
“I’m sorry, Eddie.” What should I tell him? I had to run away from Caden? He wouldn’t understand that, and he might say something to his father. “I got a call from my father’s girlfriend who’s pregnant. She needed someone to talk to. She’s worried about a miscarriage. I’m really sorry.”
“You’re leaving tomorrow afternoon?”
“Yes.”
“What about your French exam?”
“She’s letting me take it tomorrow between finals.”
He begins to smile. “So you’ll know what passage she’s going to make us translate.”
“She could change it for the Friday test, Eddie, especially since she knows I’m taking it early.”
“But she might not because she wouldn’t think you’d tell anyone.”
“Such as you?”
“Yeah. Could you?”
“OK. If you’ll answer a question.”
He smirks. “If it involves lifting my shirt or pulling down my pants, you have to go first.”
I shake my head. I can’t believe any version of me succumbed to his one-note seduction. “I’m not asking about birthmarks or body parts. I want to know if you’ve had any dreams or visions or anything like that about a kitchen chair and me or about any event between us involving a bathroom.”
His face flinches and he blinks rapidly.
“Where do you get this stuff, Delaney?” He rakes his fingers through his hair.
“I know this is an odd question, but it’s important. Have you seen me naked in a chair—not for real, but in a dream or fantasy?”
He moves closer and lowers his voice. “There’s something really strange about you, Delaney.”
“You have, haven’t you?” I feel my pulse in my neck. “Please tell me. I’m not going to judge you, Eddie. And I’m certainly not going to tell anyone else.”
Some Laneys Died: A Skipping Sideways Thriller Page 11
