by A. m Madden
“Besides being way off the mark,” I said, not bothering to hide my anger, “it’s really not fair for you to drop this on me while I’m driving, Alivia.”
“I’m sorry. You’re right. Forget it.” Her words said one thing, but the tone behind hinted they were just words to shut me up.
“I will for now.” I sliced my gaze toward her and waited for a nod before looking back when one didn’t immediately come. “Stop picking a fight with me. There isn’t a thing about us that I regret.”
“I’m not picking a fight, but again, you keep mentioning us. I’m more concerned with the choices you’re making.” That time when I looked her way, an undeniable smirk sarcastically lifted her lips. “Whatever.” I always hated when she dismissed me in her whatever way, but I let it go as she said, “Tell me what songs you guys are playing tonight.”
I began to catalog our playlist with little emotion. I also hated when she pulled shit like this on me. I wasn’t sure if it pissed me off that she even had such thoughts, or because she’d hit a nerve I hadn’t been aware of until now. Yes, some of the decisions that I had made thus far were because others nudged me in that direction. So?
Then again, was all my talk about following my dream just talk? Like tonight, for instance. At first, I was stoked to play until my buddies carried on about the guests that would be there—supermodels, professional athletes, and maybe even a few actors. They were more excited about hanging at the party once our set was over than playing. That meant I had to ward off the attention my friends would bring on us… and that shit was exhausting. Because of it, the entire evening now seemed like a burden.
But, with Alivia’s words fresh in my mind, I had to question if all my choices were merely a way to self-sabotage? Was I afraid of what came with the fame? Or worse, of what would come of us?
There was no reason for me to assume it would damage me and her. I came from a set of rock stars who would die without the other, but my parents were both in the business and had climbed toward fame together.
Alivia came from the same loving foundation, but Camilla and Trey got together after he’d already found fame, after he’d had a breakdown, and after he’d fought his way back.
Although I was young, I’d witnessed it all firsthand. Remembering moments of terror because I thought I’d never see him again. I was so hell-bent on not becoming what Trey had become that once Alivia came into my life, I clung to her like she was a life preserver in stormy seas. She was my rock, my always.
But even I knew there were so many factors that could alter an otherwise steady course. And by allowing myself to even think about all the negative situations that could happen in the fickle business I chose to be in, as my heart rate spiked and my gut clenched, I knew that I had just answered all those questions she’d instigated.
What would happen to us?
The rest of our ride seemed normal, yet a tension remained. And after we’d gotten to my apartment and made love, Alivia hadn’t mentioned our conversation in the car and neither had I. Still, it hung heavy in my thoughts. She’d never know it.
As my band and I sat in Alec’s SUV, heading for the party, I plastered on a smile. When we were shown to the freight elevator where we loaded up our instruments and gear, I laughed and joked as I always would. No one would know Alivia’s concerns had flipped a switch within me that now fucked me up. If I knew my girlfriend well, this would fester, and I’d constantly need to defend my choices from here on in.
Meanwhile, my bandmates foamed at the mouth because of the night before us. Held on the top floor of one of the newest high-rise buildings on the Hudson River, apparently this party was the place to be.
Even my parents had heard about it in their circle and knew details I didn’t even know. For obvious reasons, I kept that information to myself. Telling the three jackasses the latest swimsuit cover model was scheduled to attend would make it even harder to keep them in line. As it was, I had to keep reminding them we had a job to do. We were getting paid to play… not to drool over the females and not to hook up in a bathroom, only to get thrown out.
Just before we reached the penthouse, I turned to my three friends. “Can you pretend to be house-trained?”
“Ha ha, you’re hilarious,” Chase said as the other two rolled their eyes. “Can you pretend to be an eighteen-year-old?”
“Calm down… I’m kidding.” I wasn’t. The doors opened in a long hallway where Denzel Washington’s doppelgänger came forward to greet us, forcing us all to do a double take.
“No Rulz?”
When his eyes landed on me, I said, “That’s us.”
“I’m Reed… Mr. Parson’s personal assistant.”
Joey pointed a finger at him. “You look just like—”
“I know,” Reed said with an amused smile. “Which one of you is Donna’s son?”
Harrison lifted his hand. “That’d be me. I’m Harrison. These are my friends, Shane, Chase, and Joey.”
He shook our hands one by one while saying, “Great to have you boys here.” He again addressed his next question to me. “Shane Lair, right?”
“Yep.” Here we go. Maybe Harrison’s mom wasn’t really the one responsible for this gig.
“I know your aunt Lori,” he said with a smile. “In fact, she and Cannon are supposed to be attending tonight.”
Three sets of eyes stared as I shrugged like it was news to me. “Really? I didn’t know that.” The dude was cool, and yeah, I liked Cannon because he was with Lori and all that, but there was something about him that irked me. Alivia always teased it was because I was jealous; now I wondered if she truly believed that. “Is he performing?”
“Nope. They are here as guests. A last-minute thing, so you’ll have two familiar faces in the crowd.”
“How many people are attending?” Joey asked.
“About a hundred… give or take.” Reed glanced over the equipment we had pulled out of the elevator. “Is this all of it?” On our nods, he said, “Perfect. I’ll show you where to set up.” We followed him with our instruments in tow. “I heard your demo tape. You guys are good.”
“Thanks,” a few of us said at the same time.
We came to the end of the long hall, and Reed pushed open and held a huge metal door for us that led behind a darkened backstage area. Along the rooftop, food stations lined the perimeter and bars had been set up in the corners. Tall tables were scattered around a dance area that faced the stage. The place could easily hold the number Reed claimed was attending.
“Let me know if you guys need anything,” Reed said while we took in the view. My parents’ penthouse faced the east, but I preferred this view of the George Washington Bridge and Jersey.
“Suddenly, I’m nervous,” Harrison admitted. “We can’t fuck this up, guys. I don’t want my mom getting flack.” Who the hell was he talking to? Surely not me. I remained silent, waiting for the other two to concede.
“We’re not fucking anything up. After this night, we’re going to be inundated with gigs.” Again, I saw right through Chase’s interest in playing. Just as I was about to challenge that comment, he confirmed his motive. “And that means chicks galore.”
Such an idiot.
Ignoring him, I’d begun setting up my place center stage when I heard, “Shane.” As I twisted, I saw Lori and Cannon and abandoned my task to hop off the stage to where they stood.
“Reed just told me you were coming tonight. Does my mom know?”
Lori and Cannon exchanged a glance. “No… she doesn’t. We’re here with Cannon’s guys… I’ll explain later. We want to talk to you.”
“Me?”
Lori nodded. “Will your friends be upset if we drive you home once you’re done?”
I flicked my attention to where they were setting up their instruments. “They’ll be fine with it,” I admitted, knowing they’d appreciate the cockblocker leaving so they could get it on with the chicks.
“Okay. Have a good set. We’ll see you later.�
�
Cannon took Lori’s hand, but before they walked away, I asked, “Aunt Lori, is everything okay?”
“Oh, yes, sweetie. It’s all good.” She threw me a wink and left me standing there even more confused than ever.
Lori was a speak-her-mind kind of person. She’d started out by representing my mom’s former band when Mom joined Devil’s Lair. After Lori had left New Jersey for Los Angeles, she’d become an agent to Cannon, one of the hottest solo rock stars in the world. They’d ended up in a romantic relationship, which had cost Lori her job. That had been when Mom and Dad had lost their patience with the record label that employed them all. Mom and Dad fired their agent, Jen, who had also been Lori’s boss. They then left the label and started JLL Productions.
Mom had later told me that Lori and Trey had been a thing at one time. Alivia knew that little tidbit as well. Although Lori had fallen hard for Trey, he hadn’t been at the same place as she’d been and had ended it before Devil’s Lair left on their first national tour.
It all turned out in the end, but again I had to wonder what would’ve been if Trey wasn’t such a slut back then and had instead opened his heart to love Lori. Or worse… if he and Camilla hadn’t fallen in love when Alivia was a little girl.
For one thing, I wouldn’t have been in love with my idol’s daughter, still wanting to be just like him… a great bass player, a doting father and husband, a man who fought for what he believed in. All great attributes for me to aspire to. It was the bad decisions Trey had made over the years that pinched at new insecurities I suddenly worried about… a domino effect because of the insinuation of regrets that Alivia mentioned.
Chapter Fourteen
Alivia
Since getting to Kim’s place, it had been hard to be my normal supportive self. I really tried to be what she needed by listening as she vented. Every emotion that had plagued her after breaking up with Chase only seemed to make my heart ache for other reasons.
While Edward and Bella stared at each other on the TV, Kim’s mom called from the kitchen, “Sweetheart… popcorn is ready!”
“Coming.” Kim grabbed the remote and hit pause. “What do you want to drink?”
“Water is fine.”
Instead of getting off the bed, she stared at me. “You okay?” The dazed look I gave her forced a frown. “You haven’t been yourself all night. Is something wrong?”
“I just have a headache,” I lied. Headache… period… I was running out of excuses.
Her head shifted in a sympathetic tilt. “Do you want aspirin?”
“I took some earlier.”
“Okay… I’ll be right back.”
She slipped out of the door, leaving me alone in her room and feeling bad. The whole reason for tonight was to spend time with her, but all I could think about was Shane… and not in the way he usually held space in my thoughts. Our conversation in the car had been left dangling between us, but I stood by my admission. I couldn’t be the reason he continued down a path he might regret someday.
He’d accused me of picking a fight, and the more I thought of it, the more I could understand him feeling that way. It wasn’t fair to plant a seed like that and then pretend it was no big deal. But now that I had those thoughts, I couldn’t ignore them. It was that look of pure joy on his face when he talked about the festival that created new doubts I’d never had before.
Was it the location that gave him satisfaction or was it performing at all? With school and me taking up much of his time, when would he get to experience that again? If he finally addressed the fact that his friends couldn’t give a shit about playing, would he find a dedicated group who could forever change his life? If so, how would I fit in?
The closer we got to starting college the more those concerns would nag me. Eventually, I’d need to address them with Shane, and based on how he became annoyed this morning, I had no idea how to do that.
A few minutes later, Kim returned and placed a bowl of popcorn on her nightstand before handing me my drink. Raising the remote to resume the movie, she aimed it at the screen, only to lower it again. “Okay… be honest. Have I been too needy?”
“What? No.”
“You’re lying.”
“I’m not lying.” I met her gaze, trying to appear convincing. “Breaking up is hard, and I’m sure I’d be leaning on you if the tables were turned.”
“As if that would ever happen,” she quipped with an eye roll. “You and Shane have your lives all mapped out for you.” Her flippant comment only made me feel worse. That was exactly what Shane and I had… a future that had been neatly laid out for us.
With a click of the remote, she resumed the movie and chomped on some popcorn. But when she offered me the bowl and received a less-than-enthusiastic shake of my head, she again hit pause. “You’re definitely not into this. I can tell. Would you rather do something else? We can go get ice cream.”
“Actually, will you be mad if I left? My head really is pounding.” I just couldn’t focus or pretend to. “I’m sorry.”
“Stop… it’s fine, Liv.” She wiped her hands of salt before taking mine. “Promise me if I’m annoying you that you’ll tell me.”
“You’re annoying me,” I said with a straight face, earning me a shove.
A few minutes later, I was standing in their foyer saying good night. Since Kim had told her parents what had happened to Shane and the boys in LA, Mr. Gambera had insisted on personally putting me in a cab and calling my dad to meet me when I arrived.
The drive took six minutes instead of four. When the yellow sedan pulled up in front of my building, my dad came over and paid the man in cash before opening my door.
“You okay, baby girl?” he asked, leading me inside with a firm hand on my back.
“Yeah. I just have a headache,” I repeated once again.
Blue eyes exact to mine stared down at me. “Hey, what do you call a parade of rabbits hopping backward?” When all he got was a shrug, he added, “A receding hairline.” My small smile prompted a suspicious smirk. “What? No calling me a dork? No eye roll? Now I know something’s up.” But all levity vanished when I remained silent, and he rubbed my back encouragingly until we’d stepped into our quiet apartment. “Do you want to talk about it?”
Knowing my brother was having a sleepover at the Lairs,’ I asked, “Where’s Mom?” I hated that my question seemed so insensitive, but she was always my sounding board, especially regarding Shane.
“One of her clients is having a painting party… whatever that is.” My solemn nod seemed to be the final straw. “Okay… what’s wrong, Livi?” he asked, using the nickname reserved for situations requiring him to pull on his “parenting pants.”
“I don’t know where to begin.”
He took my hand and led me into the den. The moment we walked through the door, I felt comforted. Dad knew I loved that room, with his bass guitars scattered on stands, his many awards won over the years, and tons of photos of him, his band, and us. Compared to the rest of our penthouse, it was more casual, cozier. It was where he and Shane would play together, and sitting there watching them was one of my favorite things to do.
“Tell me what’s bothering you… and I’ll fix it.”
“I don’t think you can fix it this time, Daddy.” My father was a big old softie when it came to me. Mainly because when I’d crashed into his life at the age of five, he’d desperately wanted us to connect and spoiled me rotten. Even after he and Mom had gotten married, he’d continued to spoil me while leaving the disciplining to her because she was better at it… his words.
“Are you two fighting?” he asked.
“No.” My quick response left no reason for him to question it.
“Then what?”
In retrospect, Dad would be the perfect person to talk to. Despite the fact he wasn’t thrilled that Shane and I were now a couple, I knew he’d listen to my concerns objectively. Before becoming a family man, my father had lived a colorful, dramatic, and eve
n tragic life. It had made him the man he was today. He’d be the first to say those experiences were necessary for him to become an adoring husband and father. All that he’d lived through needed to happen.
Having said that, my dad had been through hell to find love and would understand my torment in wanting to hold on to it.
As I debated how to begin, his attention remained steady on my face. So I dragged in a deep breath and went for it. “I’m worried that Shane will… regret… going to NYU this fall.” I was beginning to hate that word.
Dad folded his arms, settled back against the couch, and nodded. “Go on.”
Now that I’d decided to seek his advice, it was easier to unleash the rest of my concerns. Just as I’d told my boyfriend, I told Dad I felt every choice Shane had made was because someone else wanted him to. From his parents and their insistence that he get a degree, to me being in his life, it all felt wrong.
“Did he say something to make you think he has regrets?”
“No. And when I brought it up, he accused me of picking a fight. That was before saying without conviction that he had no regrets, especially when it came to me.”
“You don’t believe him?”
“I do… but I know Shane is afraid of losing people he loves. He admitted as much to me… his mother… when he almost lost you… it’s a legitimate fear he has. Also, Shane is all about playing bass and me. The two are so entwined he doesn’t know how to make the separation.”
“The loss thing is understandable, Livi. He was five when he lost his mother. And my crap after he finally opened up to loving adults again only messed him up further. But he’s come a long way since then. That kid loves hard. Why do you think he needs to make a separation from you?”
“It comes back to the regrets.” I shared how excited Shane had been recounting details of the Santa Monica festival. “Even the times he’s played with DL, or just playing for me, it becomes a part of him. Playing bass is no different than breathing, a necessity to live. Like for you or Uncle Jack, or the rest of DL.”
