Ladies and gentlemen, I present to you:
Lara King.
‘It was me,’ I shout. ‘I did it.’ The rush floods back in. My blood slows. Every single head is turned to me. ‘It’s my fault she’s dead.’
You’re all silent now. I see Conor on the side of the stage, hands clasped to his face. Detective Mcgraw is next to him staring at me. I put one hand out, ready for him. The other holds the microphone, so you can hear every single word I’m saying.
‘We’d had a row,’ I tell you all. You are transfixed. Glassy-eyed. ‘After the photoshoot with Matthew Raine. The day of the announcement and our engagement.’ I go quiet. You move forward, desperate for more. ‘So, Detective, you were right about that. Ava was not hot on Matthew at the time, for whatever reason. She was asking me about him. That started things. But I won’t go into that now. Maybe it was something to do with all that Dare or Die stuff.’ I’d lead them down the wrong path with that one.
I thought about Matthew. I saw him behind Conor leaping up and then freezing, shaking his head. Don’t worry, I whispered. That secret would always stay safe with me. I would never, ever betray him with that. It was a mental life sentence, what he’d done – let alone being put behind bars for good if he’d been caught out. I thought of the things Ava and I had seen in the swimming pool annexe. The things that had traumatised us both.
I replay them now, the images that had flashed from the projector onto the black wall of the pool annexe. The force of Matthew’s muscled arm as it connected with another man’s head. The man falling. The sound of his skull, cracking on the stone. The whites of his eyes. And then, blood, trailing from his ear.
‘It was me,’ Matthew had told me last night when I’d brought it up with him after the shock of the autopsy. ‘I killed that man in Perth. My dad covered for me and went to jail. Told everyone it had been him. I’d just got my first film part. Dad wanted me to be big. Ever since Mum died.’ He’d swallowed. ‘I paid the bar owner to give me the CCTV. Quarter of a million dollars. He kept asking for more. I’ve had to put a stop to it.’
‘Why were you watching it?’ I had asked him. ‘That day. In the pool annexe before the announcement.’
‘To punish myself,’ he’d said. ‘The drugs aren’t enough, you see. To dampen the guilt. If I keep playing the video, over and over, then it reminds me of the person I am. You and I were about to get engaged. I had to remind myself of the person I really was, before something good happened. Do you see? And then you caught me. The day of the announcement. The door, to the annexe. I usually lock it. I’m usually so careful. But that day, well, I’d had a heavy few nights. Couldn’t find the key so I just shoved a chair under the handle. Didn’t realise I hadn’t done it properly.’ I thought about the Dare or Die video and how Matthew’s heavy nights manifested.
‘You aren’t a bad person,’ I’d told him. He’d told me he’d taken the video footage to Jenna’s and had asked her to keep it hidden. But I’d gone over and destroyed it.
‘You nearly got there, Detective Mcgraw,’ I carried on. ‘Good work. So we argued, like all couples do.’ I took a deep breath. ‘In the car, Ava was whining. Whining about Matthew. About her real father. We drove.’ I think of her voice now. I’m hungry. I’m hungry. ‘We drove to Laurel Canyon. Somewhere deserted.’ I look at Detective Mcgraw. He’s there, on the edge of the stage, unable to break the spell, and then I look at all of you. I’d certainly got you back again with this. I can feel the energy crackling around the audience.
‘She told me, she leaned forward in the car and told me she was going to tell. Her teachers. Tell them something that she’d seen earlier that day. Something she had witnessed in our indoor swimming pool. Of course, I’m not going to tell you exactly what that was. Suffice to say it was unpleasant. She said she would tell everyone everything if I didn’t tell her who her real father was. Six! I know! She is . . . she was only six. I don’t know how she thought of that kind of stuff either. We screamed at each other then. She told me other stuff too. Stuff she knew would wind me up.’
I think back to the moment she’d threatened me. ‘Joan will help me,’ she’d said, her eyes all watery. ‘Or my teacher at school. She said I could come to her with any problems.’
‘No!’ I’d shouted. I carry on looking at you all. Your mouths open. ‘You come to me,’ I told her. ‘I’m your mother. Don’t you understand?’
‘I’d been scared then,’ I carried on, my voice slow and sad. ‘Tired. I was so tired. She’d been in my ear, all morning. Still asking for Joan. Joan? Where are you? Happy now? And still going on about her dad. And the funny thing is, you all know, don’t you? Now you all know who her father is. It would have taken me two minutes to tell her. But a lifetime to explain. And in truth, well the real truth of it is that I wanted her all to myself. I didn’t want her looking anywhere else for love. For affection. She was mine. I was scared, if you will. I know. I should have had more confidence in myself as a mother. Don’t worry. I’m not excusing any of it. I know it’s wrong. Anyway. Don’t let me get distracted. So her real father. And Joan. She kept asking for them both.’
Joan. I think of Joan. My heart breaks.
‘Joan, she kept saying. And I kept telling her, Ava. I’m here. I’m your mummy. You don’t need Joan. You don’t need your teacher. But she just wouldn’t listen. She was crying then. Telling me I was a bad mother. Bad. Bad. Bad. You don’t care about me, she had been screaming. You just care about your fame. I want Joan.’ And then I remembered how she’d pulled her golden card.
‘I heard Matthew,’ she said. ‘I heard him say to someone that you only ever had me to get famous. To kick-start your career. That I was like a show-pony.
‘Who did he say that to?’ I had asked, thinking how that couldn’t possibly have been true.
‘Conor. They were laughing about it. Matthew kept making neighing noises.’ She had cried then. Really cried. You’re not my mummy, she’d said. You are not. You don’t love me. It’s true. What they said is true. That you’d be nothing without me. Just a washed-up has-been. That’s what they called you, her eyes flashed black. I remember now. That’s what they called you. Matthew said you were soon going to become a washed-up has-been if you weren’t careful. And that you needed him more than he needed you.’ I had felt something inside me, like the snap of an elastic band in my gut. I thought about how I’d covered for him. How I was also implicated by the fact I had known about it but hadn’t said a word, so I could never say anything.
‘Heat was rising in my body and I felt as though I couldn’t really breathe. Washed-up has-been. I thought of Matthew too. How untrue it had been and at that point I didn’t even know if Ava had been telling the truth or not. I know what you’re thinking. That she’s too young to think of words like that. But I wondered if she’d heard them from one of the kids at school. You know. That perhaps their mothers or fathers had been talking. And she was just repeating the things she’d heard. But I felt like I was going to pass out with anger.
‘And so I pulled over. Somewhere where nobody was around. Get out, I shouted. She didn’t, at first. She didn’t get out. But then I opened the door and I pulled her out the car. Go. Go. Go.’ I shut my eyes. I can’t bear to look at you all right now.
‘I think of her face. The defiant set of her mouth, but she’d been scared at that moment too. She was normally such a good girl. But she’d been angry. And really scared. She knew she had pushed me too far. I saw it in her eyes. The light, seeping into her pupils. The quiver of her mouth. The place had been empty. Miles of emptiness. Air, thick and heavy with dense, suffocating heat. Gloom, despite the bright sky. She didn’t like being alone. And then I really went for it.’
I watch as you sob in front of me, hands up to your mouths.
‘Get the fuck out, I was screaming. I don’t know where that came from. I don’t. But she did. She got out. And I drove off.’
I let the words sink in.
‘I thought she’d stay there. Just a little
warning. That was all. You know how you do? Five minutes. The naughty step. Time out. Whatever it was. All the stress from the announcement, you guys watching me and Matthew, big changes. After everything I’d given him and that’s how he repaid me. All this time, I’ve had to pretend I didn’t mind. So that no one would suspect we’d rowed. Matthew, see?
‘Anyway, I told the police she’d fallen asleep. It was my word. That was all they had, apart from parts of the routes I had taken, that had been found on CCTV. They saw me drive all the way back to the Boulevard.
‘She was asleep, lying in the back all that time, I told the cops. But she wasn’t. It had just been me, driving. And then I had turned to go back and get her. When the rage had calmed.’ The sun shifts for a second and then seems to burn brighter than ever. ‘Twenty minutes it took. I turned back to where I thought I’d left her. But I couldn’t remember. I honestly couldn’t remember. The paths, the roads. They all look the same. I was frightened then. But I knew she’d be OK. I knew she’d be fine. That it would just take me a bit of driving around and I’d pick her up, sooner or later. It took me twenty minutes to get to the Boulevard. Twenty minutes back. And then I got out the car. I was screaming, shouting her name. But all of a sudden, I realised I had no idea where I’d stopped the car. I was tired. I told you.’ I start to laugh. Hiccuping. This was such a relief. ‘And so I knew it had been a long time then. I rang Matthew. Despite my anger with him. I rang him. He was the only one I knew would help me. Because of course, he does need me.’ I looked over at him, thinking about all the other things I knew about him that I’d kept quiet.
Some of you are moving towards me now. And some of you are backing away from me. Like you cannot believe you’d be in such close proximity to a monster.
‘Matthew came. I called him sometime around ten to eleven and asked him to come and find us. I told the police I had been talking to him on the phone. About our day. Instead, I had begged him to come to me. Made him stay on the line with me until I calmed down. I told him to turn his phone off after he hung up. He drove fast. Towards me. Told me to calm down. We’ll find her, he told me. We will. Just fucking keep calm. I was screaming that I didn’t know where I’d left her. And I’d just like to say to you all that at that moment, we believed we would. We really believed we would find her. Just a little blip. Forgot the kid. You surely must have read about it loads. I thought we’d find her and she’d run into my arms. Hot and sweaty but there she’d be and I’d say sorry, stroking her hair. And no one, and I meant no one, was going to find out. Except she didn’t come back to us. We couldn’t find her. She was gone.
‘After it had been a while since I’d left her – about an hour and forty-five minutes, Matthew told me . . . you have to ring 911.
‘We can’t,’ I said. ‘They’ll find out. That I dumped her. That you knew about it.’
‘Shhh,’ he said. He shook me then but I was still screaming and sobbing and then he shook me again. Ferociously, by the shoulders. ‘Shut the fuck up and listen.’ I did as I was told.
‘Here’s what we say,’ he said. And then together, we went through the timings, second by second. We rehearsed it over and over. That I hadn’t dumped her. That she’d gone to the loo. I couldn’t tell the police that I’d left my daughter in a rage, could I? I just couldn’t. We obviously did a good job. No one cottoned on and we vowed never to discuss it, even in private, after that.’ I silently apologised to Matthew. Better I drop him in it now, I thought. He’d at least cut his prison time then, I thought.
‘Make the call,’ he said to me, after we’d perfected our alibis. I shook my head. I still believed she was going to walk right out in front of us like a mirage. But he made me. I remember the thickness of his voice. The way he almost growled at me. He dialled the number. Held the phone to my ear. I did it. And then the police. They arrived. It took them about fifteen minutes, because I couldn’t find any landmarks. None. It was just empty space. So, by that time . . .’
I think back to how long she’d been alone for. My body drops. I kneel down, still telling you the story.
‘By that time it had been coming up to two hours that she’d been gone. Like I said, I always believed in my heart of hearts she’d be back. You did too. Didn’t you? You gave me hope. You always did.’ I think of Matthew. ‘Please. Don’t blame Matthew,’ I say to you all. ‘I know he did some bad things. But deep down he’s a good person.’ I think of the video footage again. How I had ignored it. ‘He tried to help me. He tried to help Ava. I know . . . you’ll wonder why he didn’t go to the police. Because I told Matthew I’d blame him. He’s a great actor, isn’t he? But there are bits of himself he’d want to change. His past. His history. His father in prison. He wanted to erase certain things so of course when I told him that, he covered for me. He did his best to pretend everything was normal. See? But the fact is that like me, he believed that she’d turn up. He never thought it would get to this. He’d never thought his lies would have such big consequences. And, you know, once you’re in too deep it’s hard to get out. Isn’t it?’ I turn to Detective Mcgraw.
‘Here,’ I shout. ‘I’m ready.’ I turn my head from the sun. It’s a beautiful day. Mcgraw walks up to me. Takes the microphone from my hand and sets it on the floor. I feel the cool of the metal around my wrists. I watch him, the shape of his mouth. I can’t hear him much, though, the words searing into my brain, like I’m underwater. Something about things not matching up. No footprints. Forensics.
‘You missed it,’ I tell him, my voice quiet now. ‘You see, you were all looking the other way. Like it or not, you too, Detective Mcgraw. I know you had your suspicions. You were nearly there. I’d rowed. She’d heard and run off. Close. But not quite. And you couldn’t help but be blindsided by it all. Me.’
I feel the metal tighten even more around my skin, followed by a sharp click.
And the funny thing is I know now that when I get locked away, you will want me even more. You won’t be able to get enough of me. I’ll be sentenced and I’ll still be with you, right by your side.
I’ll write my memoir. I’ll work with Conor, ready for when I reappear into the outside world. No matter how long it might take. I think of it all again. The television appearances. The concerts I’ll give once again.
I’ll be a new woman. And, Ava, I’m sorry. I’m so desperately sorry. I was meant to be your mother. But the truth of it is . . . well, there was some truth in the words you said to me just before you disappeared. The words you said you had overheard. That I was nothing without you. And that’s why this happened. Because the truth seared right through me. You were right. I was, I am nothing without you. And that’s where all you lot come in. Do you see?
Anyway, the truth was that I was never meant to be a mother. But despite all that, despite the fact I had her for the wrong reasons, there was a part of me that had grown to love her. Really love her. The shape of her mouth as she smiled, widening her face into a splash of joy. The way she jumped up and down and clenched her fists tight when something really excited her. Oh, this is making me so sad.
And, Ava – when you were born I was meant to protect you. I failed. I’m sorry. Maybe I will have another chance. Make amends. Matthew had been worried about if you’d been found. How you’d talk. It was my mother, you’d say . . . she left me. But I told him he didn’t need to worry. That you’d protect me, in just the same way I hadn’t protected her. I rub my wrists against the metal. Were they really necessary? I was hardly going to hurt anyone, here in front of you all.
Joan . . . I’m sorry too. I’m really sorry.
And, bear with me. One last apology. Or should that be thank you? Matthew. Thank you. For covering for me. I think about what he’d done, searching the canyons, sweat shelfed on his top lip. Wiping it away with those beautiful hands of his. I won’t tell, I think. Your biggest secret. Somethings would stay just between us. Because you, you all know enough now. I would never let you in on that. Because you’re all
going to go away thinking he’s the hero of this story, aren’t you? Despite the things he may or may not have done. You’re going to think he was trying to protect me. That we’d find Ava, no problem. That the bonds of love lasted strong between us.
Oh no. It was him, he was trying to protect himself. But, Matthew, you kept quiet all this time. I’ll do the same for you. I think about how enamoured you’d all been by us. The way you’d followed our relationship. That first heady date we had had in Nobu when you went more crazy for us two together than we could ever have possibly imagined in our wildest dreams.
And then I think back to the first time Matthew and I had actually met. Away from the cameras. He’d introduced himself in the hallway of my home, his shadow stretching across the tiles.
‘Nice to meet you, ma’am,’ he’d said in his soft voice. He’d walked through, looked around my living room. ‘Your house, it’s rad.’ I remembered looking at Conor, a small frown on my face, the edges of laughter rising up my throat. Then he’d told me he liked my art and I can’t really remember what he’d talked about next.
‘Thanks,’ I’d told him. And then I’d left Conor and our lawyers to sort out all the paperwork. ‘Come on,’ I told him. ‘Let’s go into the kitchen for a bit.’ I’d liked him. But not like that. He wasn’t really my taste, you see. In truth, he’s too clean-cut. Too young-looking. ‘Let’s just leave them to it,’ I’d told him. ‘They can hammer out the details of our . . .’
‘Relationship?’ he’d held up his fingers in air quotations.
‘That’s the one,’ I’d said. ‘Our very special and falling in love at first sight relationship.’
‘Let’s get to know each other anyway,’ I had told him. ‘And I need to tell you about Ava. She’s my daughter. And no one is to know about this. Not her. Not her nanny, Joan. No one. Just you and me. Do you understand? I do not want any of this coming out, ruining my reputation. Because together.’ I had taken a deep breath. ‘We’re going to build a strong brand. OK? We’re going to rule the world and I’ll be a decoy for all the other stuff you don’t want . . .’
Your Guilty Secret Page 28
