by C. A. Harms
“I didn’t dream it.” Finally, I interrupt their back and forth and gain their attention. “I had the whisker burn on my face and neck to prove it.” Janie’s face lights up, but Jackie only tilts her head ever so slightly, the mother in her stepping forward fully prepared to offer the advice she knows I will need. “When I opened the door that night, he looked so,” sad, broken maybe, “lost. Almost like he’d just been given the worst possible news and he was falling apart from it.”
“So he runs to you.” I know Jackie doesn’t mean her question to sound snarky. “You’ve had only a few interactions with this guy, and about seventy-five percent of them have been based on nothing more than him being a complete asshole. Even those times he was attempting to be civil, he pulled a switch and went all dick again.”
Janie snickers. “Dick,” she mumbles.
“Yeah, dick. You know, those horrid things you can’t seem to keep out of your lady business.”
“They don’t feel horrid,” Janie adds, and Jackie tosses a handful of popcorn at her.
“Hey.” Watching the popcorn fall to the couch and floor, I start to scrabble forward with every intention of cleaning up the mess when Jackie stops me.
“Listen to me.” She reaches out and places her hand on my shoulder, and I lean back, sitting on my legs that are now tucked beneath me. “The guy is real pretty, I’ll admit. I too could look at him for hours and not feel guilty. But there is something about him, Janelle, something that has heartache written all over it. He’s short fused, cranky, confusing, and frankly I’m not sure he’s worth the effort. You deserve a guy who is doing all he can to spend every bit of time he can with you, not a guy who shows up in the middle of the night only to sneak out again before the sun rises.”
“That depends,” Janie interjects. “What is he packing?”
“You are ridiculous.” My oldest sister rolls her eyes and shoves at Janie’s shoulder. “Are we sure that you don’t have a penis? You think like a man.”
“And how is that?”
“With his penis."
“Penis,” she laughs, “dick? You sound like a schoolteacher.”
“A schoolteacher that says penis and dick.”
“Oh my God, will you just talk like a real person?” Janie waves Jackie off. “Listen, Janelle, the guy is hot. From what you’ve said, he can kiss like he created that shit, and if he can use his tongue half as good as you say he can, it’s up to you to decide how far you want things to go.”
“Please,” Jackie huffs and crosses her arms, sitting back deeper into the cushions of the couch.
“It’s true.” Janie leans in, blocking off my view of Jackie. The two of them are so night and day, it’s hard to side with either. “He’s obviously attracted to you. I saw that for myself. The way he was with you that night at Mulligans set my panties on fire, but then the way he was after—” Is the complete opposite, I know.
“Then a couple nights later, he shows up on your doorstep, no explanation, no words, really, and kisses you like he’s been doing it for years. You do deserve answers, Janelle. You deserve a straight shooter that is going be honest and tell you all he wants is a hook up or more. What you don’t deserve is some guy that keeps playing you back and forth and leaves you feeling defeated and more confused after each encounter.” Wow, Janie can be an adult on occasion. “No matter how big his cock is.” When she says the word cock, she faces Jackie and places heavy emphasis on the word. And there is the pubescent boy version of our little sister we are so used to. Horny little toad, I swear.
“I used to think Mom dropped you on your head as a child and that I couldn’t be mean to you because that was not your fault. But now I can’t blame Mom. You became this warped and confused version of yourself all on your own.”
“I am not confused,” Janie declares with great confidence. “I enjoy sex, lots and lots of sex. The bigger and more skillful the c—”
“Don’t say it.” Janie uses her best mom voice, holding her finger out in warning, which shouldn’t make me laugh, but it does. She glares at me. Janie offers a sly smile and waits for Jackie to relax back on the couch and let down her guard before she leans in ever so slowly and whispers the word cock near her ear.
I am trapped in a high school bad girls movie. Yet somehow I feel better than I did before they showed up. It is so easy to let go of your troubles when they are around.
“So should I be the one to go over there and demand an explanation, or are you doing it?”
Oh no, absolutely not.
The thing is, Janie is not joking. In fact, she is already pushing up off the couch and heading for the door. “Freeze, eager beaver.” I jump up off the floor and hurry after her. “Though it would be funny to watch him squirm once more, I think you’ve already gone after him one too many times as it is.
“Party pooper.” Faking sadness, she pushes out her lower lip and pouts. “I guess I’ll drink more wine instead.”
***
I wake to the sound of Bear whining as he sits at the side of my bed, pawing at my arm that hangs over the edge.
“What’s wrong, buddy?” Placing my hands on his head, I give him a light pat and push my upper body off the bed. “Need to go out?”
Ears up, he stands, and his whining increases.
Looking back over my shoulder, I see Janie at my side with her mouth hanging open and a small stream of drool running from her mouth. If only I knew where my phone was. Torturous pictures of our most embarrassing or less-than-glamorous times are the best pictures to have for whenever the need of bribery should arise.
Again Bear whines, followed by a bark, and I crawl from bed feeling the effect of one too many glasses of wine the moment my feet hit the floor. Closing my eyes, I take in a slow deep breath and forego grabbing my housecoat. Exiting my bedroom, I look into the living room to find Jackie still asleep in the recliner where we had left her after she’d passed out earlier.
Pausing at the back sliding door, I slip my feet inside my flip-flops and open the door. Bear takes full advantage of the small gap and pushes his body through the space, widening it and almost knocking me over in the process. Then he is hiking his leg the second he steps off the small patio.
“Geez, buddy.” Laughing, I shake my head and close the door behind us. The night air does my slightly hungover state some good as I take in a deep breath. Leaning against the railing, I cross my arms over my chest and look out into the darkened backyard. The houses behind me are all dark, making the entire neighborhood feel deserted. Not even sure what time it is, I stand quietly and wait for Bear to do his business. Just barely able to see the shadow of his big burly body, I again close my eyes and simply wait for him to find his way back to me.
Until I feel a pull, almost like I’m being watched.
Chills cover my arms and span out over my back as I open my eyes and turn my head in the direction of Shane’s. And that is when I see him. Just a few feet away from his back door, his entire body is facing me, and because it’s dark, I can’t see his eyes, but I know without a doubt they are on me.
I swallow hard and silently beg for Bear to hurry so I can once again hide in the safety of my house.
“Hi.” The sound of his voice fills me like a cold chill. I feel its effects in every single inch of my body. “I came over earlier,” he adds, taking another step in my direction, “but I didn’t knock.”
By this point, he has reached the fence that separates his yard from mine, and I can now completely see his face, shadowed yes, but visible. “I wanted to apologize for sneaking out the other morning before you woke, but I figured the chances of making it past your sisters was slim.”
I still said nothing.
“I should have woken you.” Leaning over, he rests his arms on the top railing of the vinyl fence. “I don’t know what I’m doing, Janelle.” His voice sounds sad. “I know that I’m confusing you. Hell, I am confusing myself.”
Stepping off the porch, I observe as he lifts his head and
watches me with concentration. His gaze sweeps over me as he takes in my appearance. Short sleep shorts, way too short, and a tight tee that shows a small fraction of my stomach.
“You made the right choice by not coming over.” His brows furrow, and the look only manages to make him more handsome and appealing. Reaching out, I place one hand on the top of the fence as our eyes lock with one another’s. “Janie was eager to test out some of the torture tactics she already threatened you with once before.”
When he smiles wide, so wide the whites of his teeth almost glow in the night, I feel that hated feeling of jealousy hit me once again. Lifting my head, I attempt to step back but am halted by Shane grabbing for me, his firm hold gripping my wrist.
“There you go letting your mind once again wander over the idea that I have a thing for your sister.” I open my mouth to argue, and he arches his brow, ready to challenge me. So instead I press my lips into a tight line and say nothing at all. “I didn’t want to leave you that morning.”
“Then why did you?” I’m not sure I truly want to know. Fear of rejection, the idea that I am just a fix and nothing more frightens me.
“Because being with you makes me feel like I could have everything and I know it’s nothing more than an illusion.”
“Shane.” No person has ever confused me more. “I don’t understand.”
Chapter Nineteen
Shane
Her hair is a mess, her makeup smeared, leaving dark circles under her eyes. She looks perfect, a vision I’d give anything to wake up next to every morning. Janelle is breathtaking, and she doesn’t even have to try; it is a natural beauty that makes me feel weak. It’s a feeling I am unfamiliar with and am unsure of how to handle. It fucking terrifies me.
“I can’t be the guy that a girl like you deserves.”
The kind of guy that shows up with flowers and takes her out for a romantic dinner. I can’t shower her with gifts or take her on trips. I can’t leave here, not even for a day. Being away from my mother is something I won’t do. It’s unfair to her to not have anyone around.
“I didn’t ask you for anything, Shane.” Janelle looks at me, her face scrunched in confusion. “I just don’t understand you. You are so hot and cold. You show up at my door asking me to help you forget, though I am not sure what exactly it is I’m a stand-in for. That is what I won’t be.” Janelle squares her shoulders. “I won’t be the girl that helps you forget the one that still holds your heart. I’m not a substitute.”
Of course that’s what she would think. “If only that was it.” Janelle is the kind of girl you fall for, not the one you use to forget the one that got away. “In the end, you’ll hate me.” I’m not ready to share my mother with her yet, but I know she needs more than what I’ve given her. “I have someone that depends on me, someone that everyone else deserted, and I’m all they have left.”
I watch as she swallows, her throat bobbing in the process.
“I work three jobs, and almost everything I earn goes to pay for their care. I take care of these properties around here, the maintenance so that I can live rent free. I can’t afford to take you out and—”
“Is that what you think of me? That I need you to buy me things?”
“No, but you deserve to have a guy do those things for you, and I can’t.”
“So I’m the entitled girl you met, the one you feel can’t possibly be happy with staying in watching a movie that plays on television while eating a frozen pizza?”
“And when in the middle of that movie I get a phone call that has me rushing off without a chance to explain?” She’ll say it’s no big deal, but it will be.
“My problem wouldn’t be you running off without a moment of notice. It would lie with the fact that you couldn’t trust me enough to just be honest.”
“My problems and responsibilities are just that, mine.” I look down at her hand that I still hold to avoid her eyes. Fuck, those eyes make it so hard to remain strong and in control. “That weight is mine.” My mother is not a burden; I will never look at her as one. But there is always that thought lingering in the back of my mind that if I had someone to share those responsibilities with, I could possibly live a somewhat normal life.
“Well, then…” Janelle slips her hand out from beneath mine, and I miss the contact. “It’s a good thing that nothing ever truly began between us. It’ll be so much easier for you to walk away.”
“If only that were true.” I hadn’t meant to say that out loud, but it’s already too late. We continue to look at each other, I think both doing our best to figure out the next move or what should be said, but neither of us comes up with anything.
Suddenly her dog appears at her side and nudges her leg, making her break eye contact and look down. “You ready to go back to bed, buddy?”
The idea of her walking away makes my chest ache.
“Friends.” Janelle backs away, and with each step she takes, I feel the loss. I’m seconds away from jumping the fence just to be near her. I understand how contradicting my words are from my wants and needs. I tell her I can’t, but I have never wanted one person so badly before in my life. I barely know Janelle, yet in this very second, I feel like I am losing the second most important person in my life. “We’ll be friends that wave in passing and share the occasional conversation across the fence on a nice night.”
“Do you think that’ll work?” Say no.
“Of course.” I can see the hesitation in the nod of her head. She is going for confident and strong, but I can see right through the façade. “We’re two adults—how hard can it be?” Excruciatingly hard, considering all I’m thinking about is kissing her sweet lips as I watch her speak. “I’ll see you around, Shane.”
“Wait.” I grip the fence tighter, fighting the uncontrollable moment of desperation I feel. “Coffee.” I was reaching here. “Friends share a cup of coffee on occasion, right?”
I’m not sure what is rolling around in her head; her eyes give nothing away. I wait, staring at her refusing to break eye contact. I should have left well enough alone; she gave me the out I thought I needed. Problem is it is the last thing I want.
“Maybe,” she shrugs, “we’ll see.”
And with that, she disappears behind the side of her house, and then I listen in silence to the sound of her sliding door opening then closing once more. I wait for her to come back, but she never comes. So I too go inside, feeling like I’ve been kicked in the stomach.
Martha would be so disappointed in me.
***
I set the pen down on the counter next to the pile of paperwork I’ve spent the morning filling out. I’m not sure after the raise I’d gotten if these will even still apply, but Martha insisted I turn them in anyway.
The smell of coffee filtrates throughout my kitchen, reminding me of my comment I’d made to Janelle last night.
“Maybe, we’ll see.”
I look out the window above my sink at the sound of a door slamming just in time to see Janelle round the front of her Jeep with her arms full, one bag thrown over her shoulder, another hanging as she holds the strap with her hand. I watch while she places both into the back seat of her Jeep before closing the door and walking back toward her house once more.
She enters her place, and the door once again slams behind her. The woman is tiny, yet mighty and fierce. Her presence is known, always so loud.
Lifting the pot of coffee, I top off my cup and step back, intending to go sit in the living room and watch a little TV, but when I see movement once more, I stop in my tracks. Janelle exits again, holding another bag and a travel cup of coffee in the other hand. Balancing the bag on her thigh, she does her best to pull her front door closed without dropping all she's holding.
Even in a hurry, she is strikingly gorgeous. Her hair flows out behind her as she hurries toward her Jeep and reaches for the handle.
That’s when it happens.
The bright red cup falls from her grasp, and as if in slow motion,
it bounces on the driveway, the lid popping free and beginning to roll, leaving a trail of coffee in its wake.
Before I have time to overthink it, my feet are moving and I am exiting my front door.
“Damn it,” I hear her shout, “damn it, damn it, son of a—” I pause at the edge of my porch and try not to laugh. Only I can’t hide it; it falls from my lips as I take in her agitated state.
Lifting my hand, I cover my lips, but not before she looks back shooting daggers in my direction.
“I’m sorry.” I go for serious and remorseful, but it fails fast.
“Yeah,” Janelle huffs, “you look so sorry.”
“In my defense, you were throwing a baby fit in the middle of your driveway.” Her glare deepens. “You even stomped your foot.”
“I was attempting to shake off the overspray that is now running down my leg.”
My gaze falls to her legs, and sure enough, there is a caramel brown liquid running down her calf. She wore shorts, dressy with pockets, and high-heeled shoes that only gave her legs what appeared to be more length. Tan, not so dark it looks unnatural, but the perfect shade to highlight the toned shape of her thighs and calves. The woman is by far one of the most perfect women I have ever laid eyes on.
“Now my legs are sticky, I’m running late, and the much-needed coffee for a long-ass day ahead of me is all over my legs and the driveway. So yes, I am a little pissy about my current situation.”
I descend, finally stepping out onto the drive and walking toward her. Janelle’s shoulders sag in defeat, and I fight the urge to reach out and soothe away the frown she wears. She makes a look of sadness beautiful.
Bending down, I pick up the now-empty cup and hold it out to my side. “How about I refill this cup?” She attempts to grab for it, and I hold it further away, earning a frown. “You can go clean up.” Glancing down at her legs, I imagine her gliding a warm washcloth over them and have to bite the inside of my cheek to keep from saying something I shouldn’t. “I’ll meet you back here with a fresh cup, and then you’ve only lost a few minutes of your morning.”
