by Swan, T L
Are you for real?
Nathan’s going to use a girl to test his waters, and Alex expects me to rejoice in this?
Anger bursts through me for him lying to me while lying beside me every night. For him using someone, for him sending his brother to talk to me instead of doing it himself, and for me acting like an immature idiot. The list is endless, and I can feel nastiness building on my tongue.
“I’m not discussing this with you, Alex.” I storm from the bathroom and into the bedroom.
“Then discuss it with him!” he calls from behind me as he follows me out.
I turn like the devil. “The only word I am capable of saying to your brother at the moment is liar.”
His face falls. “Don’t be angry.”
“I’m not!” I snap. “I’m going downstairs. You coming or not?”
His eyes hold mine and I know he’s disappointed at how our talk has gone. How did he think this was going to go?
“I’ll see you down there,” he eventually replies.
“Fine.” I turn and storm out.
It’s official.
Mercer men are pissing me off.
* * *
The plane bounces on its landing, and I grip my armrests. It’s been a long trip home.
Actually, it’s been a long twenty-four hours. Nathan and I have spoken about ten words to each other. He slept in the spare room again last night, and I guess if I was searching for an answer, he gave it to me then and there.
Things have changed between us; it’s clear now.
Crystal clear.
We leave the plane, and I follow him through the airport in silence. When we get to the street, he takes my hand and my heart nearly breaks.
It won’t be my hand he’s reaching for soon.
It’s the weirdest thing. Stephanie is probably a lovely girl and could make Nathan happy, but all I can feel for her at the moment is resentment. And rather than say something snarky and showing Nathan my horrible jealous true colors, I remain silent. If I don’t say anything, I can’t ruin it any more.
It’s already pretty bad, I need to salvage it as soon as I get control of myself.
We arrive at his car. He puts our bags in the trunk and we drive out into the traffic.
There’s a tension between us, and I’m trying to be a good friend, I really am. But it feels like I don’t even know him anymore.
My mind keeps going over the last twenty-four hours, Pornhub…the kinds of sex he was watching. The moment I thought we had at the airport on Friday.
The lies.
Twenty silent minutes later, we arrive at my apartment. Nathan parks the car, he gets out, opens the trunk, and he takes his suitcase out, too.
“What are you doing?” I ask.
His face falls. “Can I stay?”
My eyes hold his. “Why, Nathe? So we can have more awkward silence?”
“What do you want me to say, Eliza? Tell me what can make this better so I can fix it.”
“Nothing.” I force a smile. “There is nothing wrong with you, Nathe. It’s me. The problem is me.”
“Why?”
“I just need some time to get my head around this.”
“Around what?”
“Around you being with a woman.”
He frowns, as if confused.
“It’s just something that was never on my radar. I feel like—” I cut myself off.
“Like what?”
“Like there is this whole other part of you that I don’t know.”
“There is.” His eyes hold mine. “I’m a very sexual person, Eliza.”
I get a vision of him kissing a girl, and my stomach twists. I nod, unable to push anything intelligent through my lips. “Do you think about her when you’re in bed with me?” I whisper.
His face falls. “No, I do not.” He reaches down and tucks a piece of my hair behind my ear before he cups my face in his hand, and it’s there between us again.
This feeling of want…
Belonging.
An emotion that has no place in this current climate.
“Can I please come up?” he whispers as his eyes search mine. “Let me make it up to you.”
“Nathe,” I sigh. “I’ve been a really shitty friend this weekend. You have nothing to make up to me. I should be making it up to you.” I turn away from him. “I’ll see you tomorrow night, okay?”
Then I remember my date with Samuel and I spin back to him. “Oh, I can’t tomorrow night. I have something on.”
“What do you have on?”
“I’m going out with Samuel.”
“You told me you didn’t like him.”
I open my mouth to say that I was going tomorrow to tell him I don’t want to see him anymore, but I stop myself.
I don’t need to elaborate any more. Nathan cares for someone else now. “I don’t know. Maybe he isn’t so bad.”
His jaw ticks.
“What’s that look for?”
He shakes his head and steps back from me. “See you later.”
“Nathan.”
He ignores me and walks around to get back into his car.
“What’s your problem? I’m just seeing if I like him, okay?”
He opens the door and holds onto it. “I don’t like him, Eliza. I don’t want you going out with him. Find someone else.”
I put my hands on my hips, annoyed. “You don’t get to pick who I date, Nathan.”
“Oh, but it’s all right for you to not speak to me all weekend when I tell you who I’m dating?”
My mouth falls open in surprise. “You lied to me.”
“I have never fucking lied to you, Eliza. Not once.” He bangs on the roof of his car.
“You didn’t tell me!” I fire back as I feel adrenaline surge through my bloodstream.
Damn it, I am angry. I feel so betrayed.
“Because I wanted to tell you when I knew for certain what was going on.”
“Well, it hurt.”
He shakes his head.
“What’s that look for?”
“You have no idea what hurts.” He sneers.
“Oh, and you do?”
“Yeah, I fucking do.”
I roll my eyes. “Oh, please, what Nathan? You tell me,” I fire back. This is all about him, my anger begins to escalate. “You tell me what hurts!”
“It’s wanting what you can’t fucking have!” he cries. He glares at me and gets in the car before he speeds off down the street. I hear his tires screeching in the distance.
I stare down the street and feel my heart beating hard in my chest.
What the hell is going on with him?
10
Eliza
I walk inside with a heavy heart, and I get into the elevator.
Damn it, what the hell is wrong with me? The one time… the only fucking time, that Nathan needed me to be there for him, and I couldn’t do it. I was so self-absorbed, so green with envy over her.
Ugh, I can’t even say her name without twitching. Stephanie.
I close my eyes in regret. Why didn’t I handle this better? So, he likes another girl. So he told me about it. Would I rather he lied?
And here I was thinking that me and him were perhaps…having moments.
I close my eyes and bump the back of my head onto the elevator wall.
You idiot.
God, Eliza, this takes the cake for the most selfish dick move of all time.
Your best friend opens up and tells you he’s confused about his sexuality, and you get angry with him.
I’m a selfish fucking cow.
The doors of the elevator open, and I stare out into the corridor for a moment.
I can’t go inside feeling like this. I hit the ground button, hard. I’m going over there. Nathan needs me, and God damn it, I’m going to show up.
This is not about me, this is about him. Why would I act like this?
Jealousy. God damn it, why am I so selfish?
Twenty
minutes later, I get out of my cab outside Nathan’s apartment.
I dial his number as I peer up to the lights on the tenth floor.
“What’s wrong?” he answers.
“I’m downstairs.”
“What, why?”
“Are you letting me in or not?” I ask in frustration.
“I’ll call the doorman.” The phone goes dead.
I pace as I wait out on the sidewalk. Nathan’s building’s security is tight, and this is the first time I’ve come here without him. He’s always at my house. I’ve never needed a key to his. Jolie’s words come back to me.
It’s his booty-call place.
My stomach rolls at the thought. God, I really need to get a handle on myself here. What in the hell is all this ownership about? Moments later, the doorman opens the door to the building.
“Eliza?”
“Yes.”
“Come in.” He gestures to the lift with his hand and then swipes his security pass and presses the button to level ten.
“Thank you.” I smile, and he gives me a kind nod.
I ride to level ten with nerves dancing in my stomach. After being shocked into silence all weekend, I’ve suddenly so much I want to say. Not that any of it makes sense…
The elevator opens to the private landing. The apartments in this building take up an entire floor. The door opens, and there he stands, wearing gray sweatpants and a T-shirt.
“Hi.”
I force a smile. “Hi.”
His hair is wet, and he’s freshly showered. “What are you doing here?”
“I came to apologize.”
“For what?”
“Being a crappy friend.”
His eyes hold mine.
“It was just such a shock, you know? I didn’t mean to get angry.”
He gestures to the door and I walk past him into his apartment to look around at the swanky surroundings. Why he stays at my little dumpy apartment every night, I’ll never know.
The floor is polished slate with oversized rugs over it, and the walls are all distressed brick with huge colorful abstract art hanging from them. It’s set out like a trendy warehouse apartment. It’s state of the art and it looks more like a funky bar than a home.
Nathan walks in and through to the kitchen. I tentatively follow him, unsure what to say. The kitchen is black, stainless steel with copper appliances. He goes to the tall wine fridge that goes nearly to the ceiling and has a glass door.He takes out a bottle of red wine and holds it up in question.
“Please.” I nod and watch on as he pours two glasses.
He sits down on the other side of the island counter and takes his wine to his lips as his eyes hold mine.
“Can we talk about it?” I ask.
He shrugs, uninterested.
“We don’t have to talk if you don’t want to. That’s okay, too,” I offer. “I can just be here, you know, in case you need me.” I hold my hand out over the counter and he stares down at it.
“You know that I need you, Eliza.” He sighs sadly. “That was never in question.”
“I’m here, baby. I’m not going anywhere, I promise.”
I don’t know what he has going on inside of that beautiful mind of his, but I want to be here for him. I love Nathan. I need to swallow my hurt and help him work this out.
He eventually takes my hand and squeezes it in his. He takes a sip of his red wine, and then swirls it around in his mouth as he watches me. The act is almost sensual.
And it’s there again; this feeling that bounces between us. Only now I know for certain that it’s all in my head, and yet I still feel it.
I get a lump in my throat and I want to howl to the moon.
“You tired?” he asks.
I nod. “It’s been a long day.”
“You should take a shower.”
“I will.”
We stare at each other. His eyes are dark, and I feel like he wants to say something, but then he doesn’t. What is he thinking?
It’s like I’m dealing with a completely different man—one I don’t know.
I pick up my wine glass and walk into Nathan’s bedroom, and then through to the bathroom, which is mostly made from beautiful, natural green stone. There’s a huge pendant light that hangs over the big, black bathtub that sits in the center of the room.
We really should stay here more often. It’s beautiful.
Oh, but that’s right…. I won’t even be here soon.
Stephanie will.
Stop it.
Dejected, I take a sip of my wine and put it down onto the counter. I turn the hot water on in the shower. I take my T-shirt off over my head.
“Can I get you anything?” he asks.
I turn to see Nathan leaning on the doorframe as he watches me. We stare at each other, and God, he’s not the only one confused here. I have so many feelings running through my body. Empathy, jealousy and now when I look at him… ownership. Nathan is mine, and I can’t imagine another woman laying a hand on him. I just can’t stand it.
I close my eyes in regret before I open them again. Cut it out.
“No.” I smile. “Thanks.”
“You hungry?”
“Not really, are you?”
“No, I’m good.”
“Let’s just go to bed, hey? It’s been a big day.” I don’t even know what to say to him so I’ll just avoid the entire topic. Bed is the easiest option here.
“Okay.”
We stare at each other for a moment. It’s as if he’s waiting for something, but god knows what it is.
“Are you all right?” I ask.
He nods, but he looks so sad.
Empathy fills me, and I smile softly and hold my arms out for him. “Nathe, come here, baby.”
He hugs me. We squeeze each other tightly and stay in each other’s arms for a long time. I can feel his torment.
“Can I do anything to help?” I whisper.
“Just be here.” He kisses my temple.
“Okay.” I hold him tighter. “I can do that.”
“I’ll let you shower.” He leaves the room and, oh man, I feel like a bitch. I shower as quickly as I can and then throw my pajamas on before I walk out to find Nathan already in bed. He’s lying on his side with his back to me.
“You’re not reading tonight?” I ask.
“I’m tired.”
“Okay.” I switch off the lamp and climb in behind him. I’m unsure if I should touch him or not.
“Cuddle my back,” he murmurs.
I smile and snuggle up to his back. I kiss it. “Good night, Nathe.”
“Night, babe.”
* * *
“Okay, we have a serious fucking issue on our hands right now.” Jolie sighs.
“What is it now?” Brooke rolls her eyes.
We are at a café just around the corner from work. Jolie called an emergency lunch meeting and they came and met me.
“I can’t stop thinking about him. I literally can’t stop thinking about him.”
“Oh, this is bad.” I sigh.
Brooke frowns as she looks between us. “Who are we talking about?”
“Santiago.” I huff.
“Oh God.” Brooke winces. “Why? I’m trying my hardest to forget that shit.” She fake shivers. “I’m scarred for life.”
Jolie’s eyes come to me in question.
“I get it, Jo. He was hot. And those movies… they were hot too,” I say to comfort her. “I totally get it.”
“I’ve called him, and we are going out,” Jolie announces.
“What?” Brooke gasps.
“Why?” I ask. “What could you possibly achieve from that?”
“I want to be fucked like that,” she blurts out.
The people on the table next to us look over, and I giggle. “Will you keep it down?” I whisper.
“It’s all I think about, it’s all I dream about. I need this fuck.”
“Are you kidding me?” Brooke whispers. �
�He’s going to film you having sex and show it to other women.”
“I don’t care.”
“Oh God.” Brooke and I roll our eyes.
“We are going out.”
I shake my head, unable to believe this situation. “What’s that code for?” I ask.
“Let’s make a porno,” Brooke mutters dryly.
I get the giggles. It feels good to be with the girls. Everything is so normal.
I desperately want to talk to them about Nathan, but he is their friend too, so I can’t. It isn’t my story to tell. This is his. If he wants anyone to know, it has to come from him.
I would dearly love to dissect my feelings with them on the whole thing though. I feel like I’m battling with this just as much as he is. I’m jealous and hurt, and to be honest, I just want Nathan for myself. I don’t know why, but for some stupid reason I always assumed that if Nathan were straight, it would be me he would want.
Guess not.
Ugh…. I hate feeling like this. I’m annoyed that I do.
He was gone when I woke up this morning. He left a note saying he had something on and won’t be over tonight. That, in itself, is weird, he normally won’t stay away from me.
He’s going to see her.
So, what if he is?
“How’s your guy going?” Brooke asks, interrupting my thoughts.
“Who?”
“The guy.” She widens her eyes.
“Oh, Samuel,” I say with a curl of my lip. “He’s okay, I guess.”
“Not feeling it?” Jo asks.
“Nope.” I sigh as I pick up my coffee. “Not in the least. I have to go out with him tonight.”
“Just don’t go.” Brooke frowns.
“He’s so keen and calling me all the time. I kind of feel like I have to explain why I don’t want to see him, you know?”
“Ugh.” They both wince.
“This is why it’s easier not to date.”
“Well, I don’t know about what you boring bitches are doing tonight, but I’m sexting Santiago.”
“Great,” Brooke mutters dryly. “I look forward to seeing you on Missing Persons as a murder victim.”
I chuckle.
“But, what a way to go.” Jolie smiles darkly. “Fucked to death.”
