by Swan, T L
“Now, that’s a greeting.”
I kick the door closed behind us.
I don’t want to talk.
I don’t want to feel.
I just want to find out what’s possible.
For Eliza.
We stumble forward with her hands in my hair. The kiss is wild and unbridled.
My hands are on her ass, and my hard cock is up against her stomach.
I fall onto the couch and pull her over me. She straddles my body, and I grind her over my cock as our tongues thrash between us.
She falls to the floor between my knees, and I smile darkly as I unzip my pants. I grab my cock at the base and hold it up for her.
“Suck me.”
11
Nathan
I stand under the strong stream of water in my shower, and I let the hot water pour over my head. I stare at the floor beneath me.
I feel like shit.
I drag my hand down over my face in disgust. What the hell happened last night?
One minute, I was driving around, thinking, and the next moment, I’m having a brain snap in a strip club. I get a vision of the brunette lying back on my table—the blow lined up ready for me.
I pinch the bridge of my nose. Jesus.
I haven’t done shit like that in years. I thought it was well behind me.
There was a time in my life, when I first moved here, that I was broken-hearted over Robert, and nightlife like that was the only thing that kept me sane.
I lived a double life.
I would hang with Eliza through the day and take her out for dinner at night. We would care about each other and laugh. It was wholesome and pure, and then, after I dropped her home and said goodbye, I would go to my other life—the seedy one with clubs, sex, and drugs. The one where I used a fake name, didn’t care about anyone, and did whatever the fuck I wanted to do.
I tip my head back and let the water hit my face, full force, hoping it will wash this feeling of shame away.
I remember standing at the front door and Stephanie opening it. I get a vision of taking her in my arms and kissing her. I close my eyes in disgust.
Fuck. What was I thinking?
Eliza.
What I should have done was go home to her. But she doesn’t feel that way about me.
I put my head in my hands. I’m sick of this. I’m sick of feeling so torn.
My heart is still racing. I can feel it in my chest. I put my fingers on my neck and take my pulse. 200 over 120.
Fuck.
Hurry up and wear off. I want to go to sleep and forget last night ever happened.
I’ve hit a new low.
Eliza
My fingers hover over Nathan’s name on my phone. Should I call him?
It’s just so weird that I haven’t heard from him at all today. I haven’t seen or heard from him since Sunday night, and it’s now Tuesday night. This is unheard of.
Stop worrying, he’s fine.
He’s probably with her.
He texts me three times a day, normally. Something’s changed. Maybe I broke something between us at a time when he needed me. I made it all about myself.
Stuff it, I’m calling him. I dial his number, and it rings.
“Hello, you’ve reached Nathan Mercer. Leave a message.”
“Hi Nathe, just checking in.” I pause as I try to think of the right thing to say. “Are you coming over tonight?” I begin to pace. “I mean, it’s okay if you have something going on, but… call me. I’m missing you.”
I hang up and throw my phone onto the couch.
Damn it, why didn’t he answer? Now I have to wait, and I’m not good at waiting.
* * *
It’s Wednesday lunchtime, and I’m sitting in the café, scrolling though Instagram until I get to my messages from Nathan. He was last active on Sunday.
He hasn’t been on Instagram since Sunday. What’s going on?
I’m beginning to get worried, so I call him. It goes straight to voicemail.
“Nathan, call me,” I demand. “I’m getting worried.”
By 5:00 p.m. on Wednesday, I can’t stand it anymore. I dial Nathan’s office.
“Hello, Dr. Mercer’s office,” Maria answers.
“Hi, Maria.” I smile.
“Hello, Eliza.”
“Is Nathan free?” I ask.
“Umm.” She pauses. “I thought you would know. He’s taken the week off.”
I frown. What? “Oh… I’m away,” I lie. “I haven’t had any service to speak to him.”
“Yes, I sent him home on Monday. He’s so stressed at the moment. I cancelled his conference.”
“I know, I’m a little worried about him. Have you spoken to him this week?”
“No, and he’s not answering his phone. It’s switched off. We’ve been trying all day.”
Fuck…something’s wrong.
He would never switch his phone off in case a patient needed him. “Okay, thanks.”
“Ask him to call us when you find him.”
“Okay.” I hang up in a rush and dial his number again. It goes straight to voicemail.
Fuck!
I text him.
Nathan, I’m worried. Where are you?
Check in with me or I’m calling the police
to come and break into your apartment.
A text bounces back.
I’m fine.
What?
I screw up my face in surprise. I dial his number again.
“Yes!” he snaps, exasperated.
“Why aren’t you answering your phone?” I bark.
“I’m trying to relax.”
“So, you let me worry about you because you can’t be bothered to answer your damn phone?” I shake my head in disgust. “I’m coming over.”
“No!”
“Why not?”
“I don’t want to see you.”
My heart drops. “What?”
“I just… I just need some time, Lize.”
“For what?”
“To work myself out.”
“Nathe, is this about me being angry with you? I’m sorry okay?”
“This has nothing to do with that.”
I stare at the wall. “Are you okay?”
He stays silent.
“Can I come over?”
“Lize...”
“Talk to me.”
“I’m fine.” He sighs sadly. “I promise, I’m fine.”
My eyes well with tears. He’s not; I can hear it in his voice.
“Can we do something later in the week?” I ask.
“If you want.”
“And we go away on Saturday.” I smile hopefully.
He stays silent.
“You still want to go, don’t you?”
“Of course, I do.”
“What’s going on?”
“Nothing, I’m fine. I’ll call you tomorrow.”
“Promise me.”
“I promise.”
We both hang on the line, waiting for the other to speak.
“I love you,” I whisper.
“Do you?”
“I do.”
He inhales deeply. “I’ll call you tomorrow, babe.”
“Okay, night.”
“Night.”
* * *
It’s just gone 6:00 p.m. when I get off the bus on the corner of my block. It’s raining, and I have no idea what I’m having for dinner. I didn’t get any meat out of the freezer this morning. My routine is well and truly fucked up. I can’t be bothered to stop and get takeout. I guess I’ll have toast or something. I make my way to my building and notice someone standing to the side in the shadows, under the awning, out of the rain.
It’s Nathan.
“Hi.” I stop. “What are you doing? Why didn’t you go inside?”
His hands are in his pockets as he stares at me.
“What’s wrong?” I step toward him.
He stares at me for a long time. “Do you feel it?”
/> “Feel what?”
He gestures to the air between us. “This.”
I frown up at him.
“I can’t fight it any longer. I tried, Eliza, but I just can’t.”
Ever so slowly, he takes my face in his hand, and he bends to slowly kiss me. His tongue gently sweeps through my open lips, and I feel it to my toes.
“Nathan,” I breathe.
He cuts me off with another open-mouthed kiss, and my eyes close instinctively.
What am I doing? I pull out of his kiss. “N-nathan.” I splutter.
His face falls.
“Let’s go upstairs,” I suggest softly. I take his hand and we walk into my building, and into the elevator. My heart is racing. What the hell just happened?
He watches me intently, as if he’s scared I’m about to run. We make it to my floor and head down the corridor to my apartment.
I open the door, and he takes me in his arms again. His lips softly take mine, and oh…
“I’m sorry. I’m so sorry,” he whispers. “I fucked up,” he murmurs against my lips.
Wait…. I’m kissing Nathan…. what the hell? I pull out of his grip. “What are you doing?”
“Kissing you.”
“Why?”
“Because I want you.” He presses his lips together and takes my hands in his.
I stare up at him in shock.
“I don’t want to be friends anymore. I have feelings for you, and I have had for months.”
“What?”
“I want to be lovers. I want you to know the other side of me. I can’t take it anymore. I know I’ve been acting weird but it’s because my feelings have changed.”
“How can you possibly like me?” I whisper.
He stares at me, as if he’s searching for the right thing to say.
“You… you told me yourself,” I splutter. “You told me on the first day we met that I was the wrong sex for you.” I begin to feel confused and hurt and I step back from him. I need some distance between us.
“I didn’t plan on this, Eliza.”
“You told me you liked Stephanie just this weekend.” I throw up my hands in disgust. “So, what? You like us both now? So, you’re like a straight player now? Should I take a fucking ticket and get in line?”
“I don’t want her. I want you.”
“Then why did you tell me you liked her?”
“Because I was going to try and go out with her to see if I could make my body work with a woman’s.”
I stare at him, my mind a clusterfuck of confusion. His body, work with a woman.
“What does that mean?” I frown.
“I wanted to see what would happen with a woman.”
“And?”
He clenches his lips together as if not wanting to elaborate.
“Nathan?” My blood begins to boil.
“I saw her,” he says quickly. “But she has nothing to do with us.” He reaches for me, and I pull away.
He went to her?
He likes me but he went to her?
That green-eyed monster appears again. “And did your body work with hers, Nathan?”
“That’s the only fucking thing you heard in that sentence?”
“Did you have sex with Stephanie or not?”
“I’m not discussing Stephanie with you.”
“So, you did?” I shriek.
He glares at me.
Something inside of me snaps. “You’re an asshole,” I whisper angrily. “You say you’ve had feelings for me for months, yet you go and sleep with another woman the before you tell me?” My eyes well with tears. “How could you?”
Blind betrayal is all I see.
“I didn’t have sex with her.”
“But you touched her?”
“See, you do have feelings for me, too?” He says hopefully. “You wouldn’t care if you didn’t.” He smiles. “This is good. This is progress.”
“Did you touch her?” I sneer. “And so, help me god, don’t you dare lie to me.”
“No.”
“Did she touch you?”
“Eliza!” he snaps. “Just drop the fucking Stephanie thing, okay? It means nothing.”
“Did. She. Touch. You. Or. Not?”
He puts his hands on his hips and drops his head.
Anger boils, and the need for more information takes me over. “What, did she kiss you?”
He rolls his eyes. “This is supposed to be a special conversation between us. Momentous, even. You are completely wrecking it.”
“Did she give you a hand job?”
He glares at me.
“Did she suck you off?”
“Enough!” he barks, betraying his guilt.
Horror dawns, and I step back and stare at him…what the hell? “Let me get this straight,” I say softly. “What you’re telling me is that you have feelings for me?”
“Yes.” He smiles hopefully. “I do.”
“And how long have you felt like this?”
“A long time. It feels like forever.” He takes my hands in his. “You’re everything to me, and I want to make a go of it. Tell me you feel the same.”
“Did you blow in her mouth?” I ask flatly.
“Eliza, for fuck’s sake. Drop it. This is about you and me.”
That means yes.
My anger explodes. “So, you went to another woman when you claim to care for me, and you ejaculated down her throat?” I cry. “How did it feel? Did you blow hard? How was her face, Nathan, when she was drinking you down? Were you thinking about me then, huh?” I scream as I completely lose control.
He glares at me.
I picture her on her knees in front of him and him looking down at her. Disgust fills me.
“You know what? Just get out.”
I go to the window and turn my back on him. Hurt runs through my veins.
“If this is your other side, Nathan, then I don’t want to know him.”
Silence hangs between us.
“I said, get out,” I repeat.
“Eliza.”
I turn on him. “If you cared for me like you say you do, you would never want to touch someone else,” I cry. “And you most definitely wouldn’t want your dick in someone else’s mouth.”
“Eliza.” He pauses as he tries to articulate himself properly. “I had to find out.”
I throw up my hands. “And now you know.”
I storm into the kitchen. I need to get away from him. What a self-absorbed asshole.
If he had feelings for me, he wouldn’t have gone to her. What am I? A new challenge in his midlife crisis?
He follows me. “Eliza,” he says quietly. “I know you don’t understand my reasoning but I did it to protect our friendship. I wanted to be sure.”
He gave his first female sexual experience to another woman.
I stare at a spot on the carpet. I’m so disappointed, I can’t even look at him. My broken heartbeat pounds in my ears.
“Can we talk about this?” he asks.
“Just go, Nathe,” I whisper.
He eventually goes to the door and hesitates.
I close my eyes.
“Eliza,” he says.
I turn toward him.
“If you didn’t like me that way, too, it wouldn’t bother you that I was with her.”
We stare at each other for an extended time.
He drops his head and walks out, closing the door behind him.
My eyes well with tears.
Asshole.
* * *
I watch the clock tick over to 3:13 a.m.
It’s dark and still, yet inside my head it’s so noisy that I can’t sleep. That, and the small fact that my sleeping partner isn’t here.
I hate that I can’t sleep without him.
My mind goes over tonight and everything that came to light. So much to process. Nathan says he has feelings for me…. I smile softly, imagine that.
But he went to Stephanie for physical confirmation,
so he can’t care about me too much. His mind definitely wasn’t on me when his dick was in her mouth. The fact that he came only adds salt to my wounds.
He liked it with her. My mind runs off on a tangent, wondering what her physical attributes are—height, shape, the color of her hair.
His first female sexual encounter was given to a stranger.
I wanted it.
My heart hurts that he gave it to her, I can never get that back.
If he cared, he would have saved it for me.
I picture the way he was looking down at me while he was kissing me.
But Nathan likes men. He’s always liked men. There has never been any doubt, whatsoever.
Even if he does have feelings for me, I couldn’t physically hold him for forever.
He would always need something that, no matter how much I wanted to, I just couldn’t deliver: a male body.
It hurts to come to this realization.
Because I do love Nathan, and now that this has all come to light, it’s put doubt into my mind about how I feel about him. It’s made me realize that maybe I always have had feelings for him, too. Maybe he’s the reason I have never found Mr. Right. I’ve compared every man I’ve dated to him, and nobody has ever stacked up.
He’s always come first.
I exhale heavily and toss and turn, trying desperately to go to sleep.
I can’t believe this, my most trusted friend on Earth goes to another woman right before he tells me he has feelings for me. How dare he put me in this position.
Selfish, that’s what it is. Nathan and I are too close to fuck around. It can’t be like that between us, and the way he was talking makes me think that he perhaps wants to try a relationship.
There are so many things wrong with that idea that I don’t know where to start.
There’s no denying that Nathan and I care about each other, and maybe in some ways, even love each other already. Could we work it out?
Imagine if we could. He would be the most perfect man for me. I smile as I imagine how happy we could be. I think, on some level, I may have always loved and craved a future with him.
But what if it turned bad and I lost him forever?
I can’t risk it. I can’t give my heart to a man who will break it one day, and even though he would never willingly do it, I know that he will. Nathan oozes sexual chemistry. Everyone wants to either sleep with him or be him.
