Living With Regret

by Lisa De Jong

  “I’m okay,” I whisper, turning toward my house. I take long, confident steps, and no matter how much I want to look back, I don’t. I’m not a strong enough person right now.

  Most decisions we make in life have consequences, but the result of this may be more than I’m willing to accept. Strength comes from the ability to face those things.

  “Rachel!”

  Feeling my stubbornness surface, I keep walking. I don’t want to lose this one, not in his eyes anyway. I know I’ve already lost.

  “Rachel, stop!”

  His voice is closer … it reels me in. His presence is my weakness. I stop, turning my head in his direction. His tall form hovers over me, placing me in his shadow.

  “It’s been a long day. If you can’t forgive me for wanting some space, then maybe this isn’t going to work.” My heart beats quickly as I try to get a read on his eyes under the moonlight.

  His fingertips rest beneath my chin. It’s a touch so light, but it holds me in place like a chain. “I want you to talk to me. If what we have really means something to you, I need you to let me in so I can help you.”

  Talking about Cory with Sam doesn’t seem normal. But I want Sam more than I want something resembling normal.

  “I needed time to think about what happened last night. It wasn’t something anyone would ever want to remember, Sam. It hurt so fucking much to know what happened in those last minutes.”

  He shifts to one side, stroking his fingers lightly against my jawline. “Come sit with me.”

  I nod against his touch and let his cool hand envelop mine. He leads us back to the fire. It can’t be more than fifty degrees out here tonight, and the hot air that comes from it is welcome against my skin.

  He sits down in the lone chair and pulls me onto his lap. “That’s better,” he says, nuzzling his nose in my hair.

  “We’ve never had a fire out here before.”

  “I was hoping my first fire out here would be with you, but I gave in a couple years back.”

  I lay my head back on his shoulder, feeling his warm breath against my neck. “This is the most relaxing place on Earth. It’s better than the lake.”

  “That’s because the rest of the world hasn’t discovered it yet.”

  “And hopefully they never will.”

  His hands come down to rest on the top of my thighs. “Talk to me.”

  “Are you sure you want to hear this?”

  “I always want to hear what you have to say,” he says, kissing the skin below my ear.

  I close my eyes and inhale. The cool wind is starting to pick up. I feel it against my cheeks. “When we went around that curve last night, I remembered part of the car ride with Cory from the night of the accident. We were arguing about something, and I said some things … things that I wish I could take back. Things that should never be the last thing to play in a person’s mind before they die.”

  His arms tighten around my body. “Do you remember what you were fighting about?”

  “No,” I answer, fixing my eyes on the bright orange flames. His arms relax. “But I told him I wished he’d never existed. Those were my last words to him before he died, Sam.”

  “I’m sure you both said things you wish you could take back.”

  Tears well in my eyes. “But I’m the only one who can even think about that. He’s not here because of a stupid argument, and I can’t remember what it was even about.”

  His lips brush against my earlobe. “Do you remember what caused the accident?”

  “Yeah,” I cry, leaning closer to him.

  “That’s one thing the police never figured out … how your car came off the road.”

  “We were fighting, and his hand came up to cover mine on the steering wheel. I tried to pull mine away, and his came down hard on the wheel and the car swerved. It happened too fast, and I couldn’t react, not in the right way.”

  “It’s not your fault, baby. It’s not his fault. It was just a night of bad circumstance.” His fingers slide up, clasping on my stomach.

  “People would hate me if they knew what I said to him.”

  “No one has to know.”

  “Do you think I should tell my dad how the accident happened?” I ask.

  He kisses my cheek. Cool lips. Cold skin. “It’s not going to change anything. You did nothing wrong.”

  “Do you think I’ll ever remember everything that happened that night?” I ask.

  “Do you want to?”

  “I think I have to in order for the rest of it to make sense. Right now, it’s just a bunch of scattered pieces with no glue.”

  The air around us is quiet again. All I can do is stare ahead and try to forget everything. I want a reprieve from the trouble that stirs inside me.

  Sam didn’t run in the other direction. He didn’t judge. I think the mind magnifies things, making them seem much worse. Being with Sam in our favorite place makes everything okay, even if it’s really not.

  “Hey, Sam, why didn’t you stop when you saw me in town earlier?” I finally ask.

  “I wanted you to come to me when you were ready,” he replies, kissing the side of my head.

  “But you called—”

  “I know,” he interrupts. “On my way home, I got to thinking, or maybe hoping, that you’d come to town to look for me.”

  “I’m sorry,” I say, leaning my head back on his shoulder. I feel like all I do is let people down these days. It’s a big change for a girl who spent most of her life trying to make everyone happy. “Do you remember when we were at the diner, and you asked me the three things I was most scared of?”

  “Yes,” he whispers.

  “I never told you the last one.” I pause, inhaling a deep breath. “The thought of losing someone I care about again scares me to death. I care about you, Sam. Don’t let me push you away. I can’t lose you too.”

  He brushes my hair behind my shoulder, nuzzling his nose in the side of my neck. “I’m not going anywhere.”

  We both remain silent as he holds me close, his face nestled in the crook of my neck. All I can do is close my eyes and take everything in. Sam. The smell of wood burning. Crickets chirping. Moments like these are why people risk heartbreak … falling in love is worth it.

  “Stay with me tonight,” he finally says, gripping me a little tighter.

  “I don’t—”

  “Please. You said you wanted to go camping. Here’s your chance.”

  I’d almost forgotten about the night I told him I wanted to go camping; a lot has happened since then. And honestly, I want to be out here with him, because if I go back inside, all those unwanted feelings are going to rise back to the surface. How can I say no to him?

  I’m tired of not touching him, of not seeing his eyes. “How steady is this chair?”

  “It’s holding us, isn’t it?”

  If this chair can hold us both with my back against his chest, it can hold us with me facing him. Wrapping my fingers around his, I lift his hands from my body and scoot off his lap. I feel his arms reaching for me, but I’m too quick.

  His hooded eyes study my face. “Please stay with me.” His voice is low, sexy, and demanding with a small serving of whine. It’s the only push I need.

  “Okay,” I reply, carefully straddling his lap. My hands wrap around the back of his neck, bringing our bodies together like glue. The fire burns in the center of his eyes, but I feel it most in his hands—the way they grip my ass like their one and only job is to protect it. Our chests touch, two hearts dancing a beat against each other.

  “Is it okay if I kiss you?” he asks. His fingers move up my back, tangling in my hair.

  “Since when do you ask?”

  “Since I don’t know if this is the right time.”

  I move in, my lips a hair above his. “It’s the best time. Kissing is the best medicine.”

  “Yeah,” he says, wrapping his hands around the back of my head. “How many doses is it going to take?”

&nbs
p; “Why don’t you start over here,” I whisper, touching my finger to the left corner of my mouth. “And I’ll tell you when it feels better.”

  He smiles. “Anything you want, you got it.”

  My skin is still warm from the fire, but when his lips touch to mine, they’re a cool contrast. It elevates everything as he travels from one corner to the other, leaving a trail of electric tingles in his wake. When his lips fully press to mine, the world stops spinning. My heart melts. Not even Cory could make everything better like this. This is Sam’s own form of magic. His lips like his magic wand. My heart’s rapid beat his trick.

  When he pulls away, I hate it. I hate the loss of him. “Should we go inside for the night? It might be more comfortable than this chair.”

  “I don’t know. I was actually feeling pretty good.”

  He smiles, running the backs of his fingers along my cheek. “What if I promise I can make you feel even better?”

  That’s a promise I’m going to let him keep. Sam’s the rainbow at the end of the storm. I see the bright, changing colors clearly now.

  As I slide off him, I can barely feel my legs.

  “Here,” he says, rising to his feet. With one quick motion, I’m in his arms being carried to the tent. “I’ve always wanted to do that.”

  “I could get used to it.”

  He leans in to kiss my cheek. “I’ll allow that.”

  He sets me back on the ground and kneels down to unzip the small door. This is going to be a first for me—sleeping in a tent—but the simplicity and solitude of it excites me.

  “Have you slept out here before?” I ask.

  “Sometimes, when I just need to escape everything, I do.” He holds the door open and motions for me to enter while he holds the canvas material back.

  “You have your own apartment,” I say as I duck inside.

  “That’s part of my life. If I’m there, I can’t escape everything like I can here.”

  When we’re both inside, he zips it back up and crouches down at the end of the air mattress. The space is much larger on the inside than it looks on the outside. The mattress is the size of a double bed and takes up most of the room. There’s also a lantern that leaves a soft glow.

  “I have an extra pair of sweatpants and a sweatshirt if you want them.”

  “Are you trying to get a free show, Shea?” I joke, feeling my cheeks turn red from the innuendo.

  “No,” he says, reaching into his duffle bag. “The first time I try that, or anything more, is going to be in my bed.”

  “Oh,” escapes my lips as I haphazardly catch the clothes he tosses to me. “What’s wrong with this bed?”

  I don’t know where the question came from. It’s not what I came out here for … it’s not something I even feel ready for.

  “Because I’ve been saving my bed for a special girl. A certain girl. I didn’t wait all this time to take her on an air mattress.”

  My mouth hangs wide open. He’s always so freaking candid. He laughs, crawling over to kiss me. “I’m going to go put the fire out. Change your clothes, and I’ll be back in a few minutes.”

  As he heads out of the tent, I can’t take my eyes off his perfect ass and the way his jeans fit against it. I’ve never known him to be the type to hit the gym every day, but all the work he does in the shop looks like it’s paying off.

  When he’s out of sight, I quickly take off my clothes and pull on the warm, soft sweats he’d handed me. They have that worn feel, the cotton hitting against me like a second skin. The best part is they smell exactly like him, clean yet sexy.

  While I wait, I lie on top of the air mattress and stare up through the mesh ceiling. It gives a perfect view to the stars above; it’s better than any five-star hotel I’ve stayed at with my parents.

  “Looks like you made yourself comfortable.” I’m so lost in the pattern of the stars above that I didn’t hear him come in.

  “I didn’t realize these things came with a star roof.”

  “It’s one of the many amenities, and to think I got it all for less than $200.”

  I slide over, giving him room to crawl in next to me. “If it came with a bathroom and kitchen, you could almost live in one.”

  “Until winter comes,” he says, pulling his side of the sleeping bag over both of us. “Zip it up.”

  “Why? This is fine.”

  “I said I’d share my sleeping bag with you, and I meant it. Now zip it.” He says it like it’s an order rather than a request. This is one time I’m okay with him being bossy. Being this close to him will probably give me the best night’s sleep I’ve had in a long time. I do as he asks, settling my body up next to his. He lies on his side. I’m on my back.

  “Are you feeling better?” he asks, his arm wrapping around my stomach.

  “Much, but do you know what would help?”

  “Hmm.”

  “A few more of those kisses you gave me outside.” I try not to stare at his lips, but I can’t help it. Anything that perfect deserves to be stared at.

  “If that’s all it’s going to take, lift your head.” I do as he asks, allowing his arms to snake beneath me. His fingers run through the strands of my long blond hair, and his generous lips come down on mine. It feels so good, so right. Nothing’s better than a kiss under the stars, especially when you’re with someone who makes you feel like part of a new pattern. With Sam, I’m forming the most meaningful, brightest of constellations.

  September 29, 2013

  AS I STEP OUTSIDE, rain pelts my face. It’s been a long day of deliveries with weather like this, and luckily, this is my last. This being my first job, I’m finally starting to appreciate the concept of Friday and why everyone looks forward to it. It’s not that I don’t like my job, because I do, but it’s just nice to have days to do whatever I want. More than anything, it’s nice to have more time to spend with Sam.

  It’s been five nights since I slept under the stars with Sam. It was a cool night, but being wrapped in his arms under a large sleeping bag left me with the best night’s sleep I’ve had in a really long time. His warm, sweet kisses helped too.

  We’ve made it a point to see each other every day, whether that means meeting for lunch or watching a movie at his place after work. It’s getting too cold to stay out in the fields, but after last weekend, I’m looking forward to doing that again this summer.

  I’ve spent every night in my own bed, drifting to sleep with thoughts of Cory and the argument we had. I try to bury them down with thoughts of Sam, but it doesn’t work as well when Sam isn’t with me. Sam makes me forget.

  When I finally reach the hospital doors, my shirt is soaked through, and my hair is a ratted mess. That’s another thing about this job—it’s virtually impossible to carry a vase full of flowers and an umbrella at the same time. It leaves no way to open the door.

  The hospital greets me with the smell I hate and institutional colors I loathe.

  “Rachel, is that you?” I look over to the waiting area, seeing Cory’s mom and sister occupying two chairs.

  I hesitantly walk over, my hand gripped tightly around the glass vase. “Hi,” I answer, managing something that feels sort of like a smile.

  “I thought you’d be back at school,” his mom says, her eyes roaming my disheveled appearance. Everyone in this small town knows everything about who is coming and going. There’s little possibility that she didn’t know, but she’s probably waiting for me to admit that I didn’t just ruin Cory’s life … I ruined mine, too.

  “I’m taking the year off, helping Ms. Peters at the shop,” I reply, nervously shifting on my feet.

  “I see.” Awkward silence follows. Maybe I should have just kept walking, told her I had to be going to make my deliveries on time.

  I feel mindless, grasping at straws for something to say. “What are you guys doing here?”

  “Oh, Craig had to have some tests done. We’re just waiting.” Cory’s dad had some heart problems a couple years back. It
required a surgery to clear a blockage.

  “I hope everything is okay.”

  She throws her hand out like it’s nothing. “It’s just routine stuff. That’s what happens when you get older.”

  The more I stand here, the more relaxed I feel, but I’m waiting for the other shoe to drop. The one they’re probably holding to kick me in the teeth with.

  “Well, it was nice to see you. I better get these delivered before someone calls and wonders where they are.”

  I start walking away, ready to get out of here before my luck runs out, but Mrs. Connors stops me before I get too far. “Rachel, can I speak with you for a second?”

  I stop, but I can’t bring myself to turn around. My whole body stiffens. “I just wanted to tell you I’m sorry for the way I acted in the cemetery. I know this can’t be easy for you, so I hope you can at least understand where I was coming from.”

  Only then do I dare face her. She’s given me a small, soft pillow to fall back on. “I understand, and I hope you know that I’m so sorry. I wish things had turned out differently, but I can’t go back.”

  “I know,” she says, her bottom lip quivering. “I just miss him, you know?”

  I nod. Every day I see something or hear something that makes me miss him, too. Fifty years from now I’ll still think about him. I can’t forget my firsts.

  “Thank you for the box, by the way. Not everything in it was mine, but I doubt you want that item back,” I say hesitantly, watching for any indication of malice in her eyes. That whole thing has bothered me since I opened it, no matter how much I try to forget.

  Her eyebrows draw in, and I take a deep breath. She has absolutely no idea what I’m talking about. “Whatever it is, keep it. I’m sure he’d want you to have it.”

  After all this time, talking about him still makes her face twist. She’s so close to crying, and it automatically stirs those same emotions up in me. “Anyway, I should probably get going.”