by Iris Taylor
I nodded. That was my number one goal as well. That it was already in the hands of the most vicious group of kids in school was one thing – something I couldn’t control and had to swallow like a bitter pill. But what I could control was stopping it from being seen by others – the idea made me sick to my stomach. I nodded again.
“When can we start?”
Simon had been typing on his phone and a smile spread across his face. “Is tonight soon enough for you?”
A sense of relief washed over me. “Let me check with my mom, but I’m pretty sure she will be fine.”
He gave me one last hug before we parted. “Things will be ok, Cara. The world might be pretty unfair, but things always right themselves in the end.” It made me wonder where he got that belief, but I vehemently hoped that it was all true, even though I had yet to see it happen in my own life. I had been let down too many times to believe in clichés like that.
“ANGEL DEAR, IS EVERYTHING okay? You look a little pale.” My mother looked at me from across the table with concern shadowing her face. We were having lunch, just the two of us, and having had the food Simon forced into me earlier plus the nauseating thought of that picture of me in the hands of everyone at school – it was enough for me to be merely pushing around the chicken salad my mother had fixed for the two of us.
“It’s been a hectic week, ma.” The words spilled out of me without a second thought. I paused when I saw her eyebrows crease together.
“Is it schoolwork? Is that advanced class pushing you too hard?”
I shook my head. My studies were the least of my worries. They were probably one of the few things that were actually going well in my life right now. I cleared my throat before answering. “It’s just something I need to sort out. It should be ok soon.”
I thought we had dropped the subject until I heard my mother sniffle. “Angel. Sometimes I worry you take things in your hands too much. You’ve had to grow up so much since your father died, God bless his soul. You’ve been a wonderful daughter, picking up the pieces after me, but now that I feel healthy and fully restored, I feel I’ve...left you alone too much. I’ve let you shoulder too many things on those teenage shoulder of yours. I’ve been a burden to you despite being the adult here.”
I shook my head. “Don’t say that ma. We’re here for each other, and seeing you restored is the most important thing to me. We’ve taken it one day at a time, and right now I just need some time to adjust to life here, that’s all.”
I gave her a half-smile. Sam and Billy weren’t her fault, but me keeping it all to myself was mine. But after so many years of keeping the truth hidden, the thought of telling her now exhausted me. Where would I even start?
“I’m just so happy to hear that things are better for you. That was the reason I wanted us to move, and I think slowly, we will both be okay. I still miss Dad, but how could I not? He was the most amazing father anyone could have. I wouldn’t change that for the world.”
She held my hands tightly in hers, her plate forgotten. “I just want you to know that I’m all ears, okay? I may not remember what it’s like to be all teenage and hormonal,” she gave a short laugh at this, “but I do know you and I know you make the best of all situations. I’m so proud of you, Angel, believe me, if I were in your shoes, I wouldn’t be half as strong.”
I smiled at the truth in her words. My heart broke slowly knowing how much I had kept hidden from her. My mother was kind and good and didn’t deserve to be kept in the dark like that. But to tell her the truth? That her high-achieving, strong daughter had been raped over and over by her own brother and his friends right under her nose? It was impossible. And I didn’t want her to blame herself in any way, or feel at all sad anymore. It was time for us to put one foot forward at a time and allow good things to come our way.
So I nodded and popped a piece of chicken into my mouth, putting my brave face on. “When do we see Julian again?” I asked, not just to change the subject, but because I hadn’t seen him in a while. My mother’s boyfriend was a calming presence to be around. He had a sort of soft-spoken air about him that made conversation flow freely, and balanced out the negative parts of my life, reminding me that there were good people out there.
My mother pouted. “He’s been placed in marketing this past week because Alex just had a baby. It’s quite hectic there. I feel like I haven’t seen him in so long.”
My mother was adorable sometimes, and the big pout she sported punctuated this. “Why don’t you ask him to come over? I can make us dinner.”
My mom brightened at that. “I think he’d like that. Let me ask him.”
After cleaning up the table I headed over to my room to start on my assignments, which had been pushed back by a few days. Given everything that had transpired, I was quite proud of myself to be able to think about schoolwork at all.
Half an hour later, a knock on my door interrupted me. “Sweetie, your friend is here to see you.”
I rubbed my eyes blearily. Did Simon change his mind and catch his friend earlier than we had planned?
I stood up and opened the door and stood there in shock. The sight of Victor in a dark blue shirt, his hands tucked inside the pockets of his dark-washed jeans, triggered a massive avalanche of palpitations, even as the anger inside me bubbled up and threatened to overwhelm me.
“What do you want?” I asked coldly. The goosebumps on my bare arms rose, and I became acutely aware of how thin my camisole was. Damn you for being so hot. My body betrayed me, even though my mind didn’t. I hope he didn’t notice that despite my cold demeanor, there was still a part of me that yearned for him.
“Cara. Can I...is it okay if I come in?” He looked acutely uncomfortable, and a sudden surge of hatred made me want to keep him that way longer.
“No. You’re not welcome here. How dare you come into my house.”
I slammed the door shut and locked it, not caring that my mom could probably hear every single syllable we had exchanged. Served him right to think I was okay to see him after all that he had done to me. There was a second, brief knock on my door which I ignored. Putting my headphones on, I turned up the music and took a good ten minutes to get back into Biology again, my thoughts all over the place.
Never again. No guy is going to blindside me anymore.
Despite my vow, I felt my emotions sink low. It was depressing, knowing that I didn’t have a normal life. That I had been taken advantage of by men, and it didn’t appear to be stopping anytime soon, no matter what steps I took. That I had let my guard down for the wrong guy. I remembered his kisses, how tender they were, and how he never pushed me to do anything more, and how he had exercised restraint that night because it had been our first date. How could a guy like that be the same one to betray me? How could anyone be such a good actor? Was it acting? Did he have feelings for me at all? Was he confused like I was, or was it all just part of the prank they were playing on me? I guess I would never really know, since I had no plans to talk to him at all anymore.
It was better this way. I had grown accustomed to steeling myself against the world and against my own negative thoughts. It was the only way to survive, and even though I knew that maybe in the long run I would face the consequences of keeping everything bottled up, I had to do it, come what may. I needed to survive the here and now. It was the only way.
“SO IT SEEMS A SIMPLE search of brunette and threesome shows up that video of you within the first few pages pretty easily.” The words came from a pink-haired, bubblegum-popping elfin-like girl named Kitty, who Simon had gotten to know several years back at a party. She was a year older than us, and had opted not to go to college, deciding instead to get a job working with computers. She gestured towards the set of videos of me that had gotten anywhere from a thousand clicks each for the more recently uploaded ones to more than ten thousand likes and shares for the ones uploaded as far back as four years ago. My eyes watered at the memory of the countless times I had been taken by force and the t
orture I had had to endure – some videos of which I had not known existed and were now being shared and enjoyed worldwide, it seemed.
“Do...people pay to watch these?” I whispered. Did Sam and Billy make money from what they did to me? Were they still, even though I had moved away and they had no new material to upload?
The hitch in my voice made Kitty look up at me from her matter-of-fact scrolling. “Not this site. But in other sites where it’s pay-per-click or requires membership, people do.”
“Is there a way to find out who uploaded these?” Simon asked. Kitty shook her head. “It’s been reposted so many times over the years – doubt I can find the original source.” I had no doubt it was my sick uncle and his friends. If they could exploit me sexually, why not make money out of it too?
“Okay. How about removing these videos from the sites?”
Kitty stopped snapping her gum and sat up straighter. “I’ll see what I can do. It’ll take a while but hey,” she looked up at me, ”it’s a challenge I will gladly accept.”
I felt a rush of relief run through me. Instead of hugging her, which I wasn’t sure she would appreciate since I had known her for all of half an hour, I squeezed her shoulder tight and whispered, “Thank you. You have no idea what that means to me.”
She shrugged and didn’t acknowledge my physical gesture. I liked her. She wasn’t nosy, and hadn’t asked either of us for any monetary remuneration, not that I had any to give her anyway. I vowed to pay her back somehow, even if she wasn’t successful at removing the videos. She felt like one of the very few friends I had left.
I hadn’t heard from either Lucia or April since the picture spread the day before, and was feeling pretty betrayed about it. Simon hadn’t volunteered me any news about them and I didn’t want to be the first to ask. I had learnt long ago that true friends were hard to come by, and I wouldn’t be surprised if something like this made them want to distance themselves from me. Why associate with the girl who the entire school had labelled a slut, and who had from the beginning been targeted by the popular kids in school? It would put them at risk of alienation too. So I kept my feelings to myself and steeled myself emotionally. It was either that or break down and cry, which wasn’t going to help me anyway.
“Hey. This will take some time. Kitty will keep me updated. How about I send you home?”
I took one look at the pixie of a girl rapidly tapping away on the brightly-lit keyboard and nodded. Simon gave the girl a peck on her forehead to which she didn’t even blink in response, and I left the dim office-cum-bedroom feeling we had accomplished something monumental.
Chapter Three
The house was quiet. I wondered if my mother was out with Julian, although she would have told me if she was going out. I went into my room and literally collapsed in bed, and was out like a lightbulb. I hadn’t realized how exhausting it was to be emotionally wrecked. When I woke up, it was to the sounds of heavy footsteps padding down the hallway. I froze. My mother didn’t walk like that, and it was too dark for her to be up and about anyway. The clock on my nightstand told me it was still five in the morning.
I got out of bed quietly, and held my breath as I opened the door and took a peek. A familiar, tall, heavyset figure was walking towards the bathroom at the end of the hallway. Sam! What’s he doing here?
I closed my door quietly and turned the lock as silently as I could. Slipping back into bed, I squeezed my eyes shut and did my best to slow down my heartbeat. I wondered if my mom had invited him over and forgot to mention it to me. It was barely a month since the last visit – was this how it was going to be? It was still better than living next door to him in Winsley but it was disappointing how eight hours didn’t deter him from coming to Ravenshaw Falls.
More heavy footsteps sounded and they grew closer and closer to my bedroom door. I heard it turn and failing to open it, I heard Sam whisper my name. “Angel. It’s me. Open the door.”
I didn’t know why it was always the same words. It wasn’t as if I had ever opened the door for him voluntarily. All the times he had caught me were when I had been unaware he was around, or when I didn't have the time to lock myself inside a room. It really was a horrible way to live, I now realized, being a prisoner in my own home, constantly on alert. It was no surprise that I had lost so much weight over the years. It was a wonder I hadn't resorted to cutting myself, or tried other forms of self-destruction, save for the one time I took that bottle of cough syrup.
"Angel."
I recognized that tone. It was right before he would start pounding heavily on the door, aggravated, angry that I would deny him. Where was Martha? Did she come with him? And surely my mother was home, too.
The footsteps padded away from the door, to my surprise. My breathing slowed down and after a good ten minutes, I managed to close my eyes and calm myself down enough to drift off to sleep again.
When I got to the kitchen early the next day, hoping to catch a ride with my mom before she left for work, I found her cheerfully making a pot of coffee.
"Morning Angel! Sleep well?"
I nodded absentmindedly, trying to see if she was going to wait until Sam came downstairs to have breakfast together. She poured two mugs of coffee and offered me one.
"Ma. Uncle Sam - he arrived last night?"
She nodded. "He's going for a job interview here. I think he has a couple lined up. I told him he was welcome anytime if he wanted to stay over."
My heart plummeted at the news. Sam wanted to move to Ravenshaw Falls?
"But what about Martha and her store?" She ran a small florist shop in Winsley. It kept her occupied for most of the day, enough time for Sam to carry on with his plans with me.
She looked at me. "I don't think business has been very good the past couple of years. Sam's just exploring his options and with us here, it may be easier for him to move. Martha’s back in Winsley running the store in the meantime."
My hands started to shake despite me trying to steady them. I quickly tucked them behind me.
"By the way, what happened to that boy you were tutoring? What was his name again?"
"Victor." His name tasted bitter on my tongue. "And he won't be coming over again. We - had a falling out."
My mother looked at me with concern. "What happened, honey?"
I shook my head. "Long story. Maybe next time. Um, can I catch a ride with you this morning? Please?"
I watched as her eyes roved towards Jack's house next door. She sighed quietly. "Sure thing, honey. Hope things will turn out okay for you."
IT WAS A LONG, LONELY day at school. Lucia avoided all eye contact with me and everyone else was either whispering and staring or making lewd gestures at me. I kept to myself, making copious notes in class, ignoring everything and everyone in between, and held my head up straight when walking in between classes. By the time lunchtime came around I was exhausted. I had no appetite and decided to head upstairs towards a washroom in a deserted wing of the school.
Washing my face, I looked at the mirror to see a thinner, more haggard version of me. The dark circles under my eyes belied the nonchalant facade I was putting up. My cheeks appeared hollowed out, and my hair seemed drier and frizzier. I hadn’t bothered with makeup but given how horrible I looked, it looked like it was necessary now. There was no way I could keep up my façade if I looked this way.
Sighing, I entered a cubicle. I stilled when I heard footsteps entering the washroom a few minutes later.
"Don't worry, I got your back," a familiar female voice said. "She won't report you. She's got too much at stake."
My ears perked up. Was that Adrienne? Who was she talking about?
The responding voice made me freeze. "So do I. If she tattles on me, my dad will have my head."
Elijah. I would know that low voice anywhere.
"She won't say a word. I'll make sure of it. You trust me, don't you? I've always made it right for you."
The morose tone of the conversation was soon taken over
by the sound of wet, sloppy kisses and heavy breathing. I could hear Elijah's panting and Adrienne's soothing murmurs, the words of which I couldn't make out. After a long while, he let out a low roar. I could hear the sound of a zipper being fastened and water running. What on earth? Was that what I think it was?
About five minutes after the last footsteps left and drifted down the corridor, I let out a slow breath and exited the cubicle. The washroom was empty, and peeking round the door, I saw the hallway was as deserted as when I saw it earlier.
Elijah and Adrienne? Were they an item I didn't know about? And what was the meaning behind their conversation?
Despite my extreme reluctance, I walked to the cafeteria to take a quick bite and appease my growling stomach. Chancing a quick look at their lunch table, I saw that Adrienne was perched on Noah's lap, and Elijah was sitting in his usual corner seat, ignoring them all. Hmmm.
It also didn't escape my notice that Jessica was feeding Victor fries with her fingers.
"Ignore them." I looked up to see Simon, his face furrowed in concern. "Girl, you look like shit. Have you been eating?"
I nodded. He sighed and dragged me towards an empty table away from everyone else. I could see April trying to catch a glimpse of me, and Lucia with her back towards us.
"Here. I don't normally share my food, but you look like you need it more than me today."
I looked down to see a blue-purple concoction inside a silver tumbler. "What is this?" I asked with a grimace.
"My special blueberry smoothie. It'll help you through the rest of the day," he replied mysteriously.
I took a sip. It was delicious. After drinking about a third, he took it back from me. "Careful, you're a lightweight. Don't think you need more than that."
