Daddy had said that he would move out, so I’d have no ally, no one to support me and tell Mother to loosen her grip on me. Everyone would tiptoe around her and not dare say, “Don’t let Haylee suffer any more than she’s already suffering.” Remembering how Mother had reacted to such suggestions, even when they involved something small that I wanted or something I could do and Kaylee didn’t want or couldn’t do, I was confident she would get very upset with whoever had said anything like that. He or she, including Daddy, would find himself what Kaylee used to call persona non grata. She was always showing off how much more she knew than me.
Mother would have no one, and I’d have no one. The house would be full of echoes. My phone would stop ringing. I wouldn’t get another party invitation. It would be like our house was covered in one of those tents they use when they have to kill termites, only in my case, we’d be killing contact with any normal person. That was the future that Daddy was suggesting without even realizing it.
I wasn’t going to let that happen.
“Have a good time?” Daddy asked when we got home. He sounded unsure. I hadn’t said a word to him most of the way. “The food was very good, wasn’t it?”
“Yes, it was all great. Thank you, Daddy.”
“I had a good time, too. I forget sometimes how great it is to be with my young ladies,” he said.
What young ladies? I thought. You were only with me. Maybe he was catching Mother’s insanity. Soon he was going to be the one who needed a psychiatric nurse.
When we entered the house, we found Mrs. Lofter waiting. Apparently, Daddy and she had already made the plans he had described to me. She had a small suitcase beside her.
“Everything all right?” Daddy asked quickly. I didn’t think he had expected her to be waiting like a relay runner, anxious to get going.
“Yes. She’s asleep. There were a few phone calls that went to your answering service. I didn’t pick up any. I was sure the police had your cell number.”
“Yes, of course. Thank you, Mrs. Lofter,” Daddy said.
She looked at me. “You look very beautiful, Haylee,” she said. She said it kindly, but I didn’t want to soak up a compliment the way I ordinarily did. Kaylee used to say I resembled a ravenous newly born baby bird being eagerly fed by its mother. I was gluttonous when it came to compliments. She’d made it sound sinful, but I’d smiled and said, “Pile them on. There’s never enough.”
Now I quickly put on my guilty face for Mrs. Lofter.
“I can’t feel beautiful without my sister beside me, as dressed up as I am. It’s the way we always are.”
“Of course,” she said. “I understand it’s very difficult for you and your father, too. You have to keep strong.” This time, she did sound suspicious and critical. “I’ll be back tomorrow morning,” she told Daddy. “Have a good night.” She flashed a smile my way and left.
“We lucked out getting her,” Daddy said. “I’m going up to check on your mother and prepare for bed soon myself.”
“Let me know if you need me, Daddy. I’m not tired yet. I might do some of the homework that was sent to me over the Internet.”
“Sure thing,” he said. “That’s a good idea, too. You have to get back to school soon, Haylee. It won’t be easy, but you have to find the strength.”
“I’ll get my strength from you, Daddy,” I said. I said it so sincerely that I believed it myself.
He smiled, kissed me on the cheek, said good night, and went up ahead of me.
I checked the phone messages. My suspicion about them was right. There were two calls from Mother’s friends, but the rest were all my and Kaylee’s friends. I decided not to call anyone tonight. I had no intention of doing any homework, either. The things Daddy had told me were gnawing at me and putting me in a bad mood.
After getting a drink of water, I followed Daddy upstairs. Just as I was turning toward my bedroom, I heard his voice, and then I heard Mother’s. Curious, I went to their bedroom door to eavesdrop.
“Are the girls asleep?” she asked him.
“Yes,” he told her.
“I had a bad dream. We lost one, and when that happened, the other died of unhappiness. She just withered like a rose.”
“It was just a dream,” he said. “Don’t worry.”
Don’t worry? What would happen if he told her the truth, forced her to face it? Wasn’t that the shock treatment he had said she needed? I was torn about it. I convinced myself now that I was much better off with a mother who was lost in a fog. At least then I could do whatever I wanted, even when I did return to school. If she asked me about anything I was planning, I could say, “Oh, Kaylee wants to do it, too” or “Kaylee wants to wear this, too.”
Ironically, more than ever, I could make Kaylee do what I wanted. The thought brought a smile to my face. My gloomy mood dissipated like drifting smoke, and I was suddenly full of new energy.
Maybe I’d give Ryan a call. A little love talk before I went to sleep would be perfect, just the way to drive off any troubled thoughts that threatened to ruin my plans for the future. He answered on the first ring. Wherever he was, he had his cell phone right next to him, probably hoping I would call.
“Hey,” he said. “I was just thinking about you.”
“You’re always thinking about me.”
He laughed. “You’re right. How was your dinner with your father?”
“Peachy keen. How did you think it would be? He took me out to get away from the situation with my mother, but that was practically all he talked about.”
“Oh, I’m sorry.”
“No one knows how it’s going to end. She could be like this for a long time, and even if she wakes up and realizes what’s happened, she could be worse in a different way.”
He was silent. My talk of tragedy was too heavy.
“But I’ll be fine as long as I have strong people beside me like you.”
“You will. I swear.”
“I might return to school sooner than I planned.”
“That might be very good for you. I’ll pick you up in the morning if you like.”
“I like. Until Daddy gets me my own car. I expect he will now.”
“Just say the word.”
“The word.”
He laughed. “When should I come see you again?”
“Call me tomorrow,” I said. “Maybe the same time. We’ll be together in the same place, unless you’re getting bored with it.”
“Are you kidding? I’d claw up the wall to your window.”
I smiled. I really did have more power over boys right now. They’d never disagree with me or disappoint me. The girls who normally envied me would eat their hearts out watching me capture the interest of whomever I wanted, whenever I wanted. Of course, I knew it wouldn’t last forever. I’d get tired of it myself.
But what lay ahead after this was what I had always dreamed of having anyway.
I talked a while longer, listening to him describe what some of my and Kaylee’s girlfriends were doing, soaking up the sympathetic talk about me and my family. He also told me how nervous the parents of other girls had become, some tightening their restrictions on their social activities. The principal had apparently asked all the teachers to address the dangers attached to flirting with or encouraging strangers.
“I guess the Fitzgeralds are famous now,” I said. “But not in a way we wanted,” I quickly added.
Hearing all this had tired me out again. I said good night and hung up. Then I got ready for bed. Before I turned out my lights, I heard what sounded like whimpering coming from Kaylee’s bedroom. I went to the door to listen, but I heard nothing more. My imagination was running wild again. Snuff it out like a lit match and go to sleep, I told myself.
There was a lot left to do now that I understood what turns my future could take.
Daddy was up before me and down in the kitchen preparing Mother’s breakfast. I was still in my pajamas, but I wanted a cup of coffee.
“Hey,
” he said. “Up early?”
“It’s hard to sleep late. As soon as my eyes pop open, I think about Kaylee. Sometimes she wakes me up.”
He nodded, a pained look in his eyes. Actually, Kaylee almost always woke me up on a school day. She’d make sure to get to me before Mother could, because if Mother thought one of us was oversleeping, she’d assume the other was, and then she’d restrict what we did at night even more.
I poured myself a cup of coffee.
“I’ll be home later than usual today,” he said. “I’ve got an appointment in New Jersey that I can’t postpone any longer. Mrs. Lofter should be here soon, definitely before I leave.”
Having her around for another day was depressing. Whenever she wasn’t tending to Mother, she’d be watching me with those suspicious eyes. Suddenly, my miraculously getting the strength I needed to return to school seemed like a good idea.
“I’m thinking of returning to school tomorrow, Daddy,” I said.
“I think that’s a good idea. There isn’t much you can do here, and the moment I get any information about Kaylee, I’ll contact you.”
“Promise?”
“Absolutely,” he said. “Probably before I tell your mother.” He gave me a quick kiss on the cheek as he passed by with Mother’s breakfast tray. “Eat something substantial,” he called back.
“I will.”
I toasted a slice of bread and smeared it with jelly. As I sat there eating, I thought about what I would be wearing when Ryan arrived later. I was surprised at the sound of the front door opening and realized that Daddy must have given Mrs. Lofter a key to our house. Was I better off with her here snooping around or with Mother recovered enough to no longer need her?
Mrs. Lofter mistook my angry musing for depression and sadness. I saw the look on her face when she stepped into the kitchen carrying her small suitcase. “How are things?” she asked.
“No different from the moment you left.”
She nodded. “Your father is upstairs?”
“He just took Mother her breakfast.”
“Listen, Haylee, I don’t want to tell you what to do and what not to do, but in my experience with situations that were somewhat similar for other reasons, it became best for the young people to try to get on with their lives until things sorted themselves out. You might not think she realizes it, but your mother senses your sadness and that affects how hard she’s taking it, too.”
“You want me out of the house?”
“It’s not that I want you out of the house, no. I want you to try to get into a normal routine. And I know how difficult that will be,” she quickly added.
Normal routine, I thought. If she had any idea what our normal routine was, she would never even think to suggest it.
I sighed as if she had placed a heavy burden on me, on top of all that I was already carrying.
“I suppose you’re right,” I said. “I’m thinking of inviting someone over after school. He can bring me my homework and tell me what’s been going on.”
She widened her eyes a little. “Oh, you have a steady boyfriend?”
“No,” I said, perhaps too sharply. “He’s not a steady boyfriend. I think that’s juvenile.”
“Oh?”
“Girls who settle on one boy, swear to be loyal or something, are insecure. It’s easy and comfortable.”
“I see. Well, that’s certainly another way to look at it,” she said. I thought she was close to laughing at me.
We heard Daddy on the stairs.
“Whatever,” she said. “If it helps you get back into things and keep your mind off all this trouble.”
Thanks for your unwanted approval, I thought, and took my cup and dish to the sink.
She went to meet and talk to Daddy. I saw them turn and head for his old office-den. Secret talks, I thought, and started up to my room.
“Who’s that?” I heard Mother call when I drew close to her bedroom door.
I paused, thinking. I checked the stairway, listening for Mrs. Lofter or Daddy, and then I went into Mother’s bedroom. She was sitting up in bed, her breakfast tray on the bed table Daddy had set up for her.
“Good morning, Mother,” I said.
She started to smile and then stopped. “Where’s Kaylee?”
“She’s in the bathroom taking a shower. I’m going to take one now, too.”
“Good.”
“Daddy’s taking us to school.”
“Good.”
“We’ll stop by to say good-bye. Don’t worry.”
“That’s my good girls.”
“Oh, yes, Mother. That’s Haylee and Kaylee.”
She stared. Was she coming back? Did she realize I was humoring her? “I’m still a bit tired,” she said.
“There’s no reason to hurry yourself, Mother. We’re taking care of everything, sharing all the chores like always. I’d better go shower. We’re wearing what you set out for us today. We both like it.”
She smiled. “Of course you do. My girls,” she said.
“Your girls,” I replied, and walked away.
I took a shower and started to get dressed, thinking more and more about Daddy’s advice and Mrs. Lofter’s, too. I could easily tell my classmates that I’d been practically tossed out of the house, that, as Mrs. Lofter had suggested, my moping about, crying over Kaylee, was not helping my mother but was making things worse for her. Everyone would understand, and that would practically double the doses of sympathy I’d receive.
Thank you, Mrs. Lofter, I thought.
I decided I would ask Daddy to drop me off at school today. I could be late. That would be even more dramatic. And of course, I would have Ryan take me home. I really didn’t want to spend another day in this doom-and-gloom atmosphere. It was as if the whole house had turned into a funeral parlor. I opened my closet and considered my choices. I had to show some restraint and not wear something too loud and cheerful, especially not something too sexy. After all, I was still like someone in mourning, wasn’t I? I settled on a rather drab black dress that Mother had bought us to attend a wake for the husband of one of her friends a little less than a year ago. Thanks for dying, Mr. Whoever, I thought. I had hated every minute of it and had forgotten her friend’s last name. Every once in a while, I had poked or tickled Kaylee, who had been sitting there with her appropriate demeanor and pretending she didn’t hate every second of it like I did.
I had always thought the dress was unattractive and did nothing for our figures. When I’d complained to Kaylee, she’d said, “It’s not supposed to be attractive and sexy, Haylee. Think of it as a costume or something.”
“Ha ha.” She could be so condescending. No one else saw that as well as I did. Little Miss Perfect had her own nasty streak at times.
Now, right after I put on the dress, I heard a commotion in the hallway. I opened my door enough to peek out and saw Mrs. Lofter with her arm around Mother’s shoulders. They were standing in front of Kaylee’s bedroom door. Mother, still in her nightgown, was crying hysterically. Daddy was running up the stairs. He joined them, and he and Mrs. Lofter practically carried Mother back to her bedroom.
Mrs. Lofter glanced back at me and shook her head. I closed my door and went to do my hair and put on a little makeup. Minutes later, I heard Daddy knock on my door and step into my bedroom. I came to the bathroom door.
“What’s happening now?”
“Your mother got it into her head that I took you and Kaylee to school without either of you stopping by to say good-bye to her and show her how you looked.”
“That just came to her?” I asked, afraid he knew what I had told her.
“It’s like that right now.” He realized I was dressing. “Going somewhere?”
“I thought you were right, and Mrs. Lofter told me the same thing when she entered the house and saw me in the kitchen. I’ll go to school today. You can take me on your way to work, right?”
“Sure.” He lingered.
“What?”
“Mrs. Lofter thinks we should have Dr. Jaffe see your mother sooner. I might put off this appointment I have in New Jersey for another day. We’ll see. Mrs. Lofter is speaking to him a little later this morning. How long before you’re ready to go?”
“Ten minutes,” I said.
Unexpectedly, his news filled me with trembling. It was as if I had begun an avalanche by rolling a snowball down a hill. As much as I hated the world in which we had been living, it was the only world I knew. I could sense that it was coming apart at the seams, and although I imagined only good things for myself in the future, I suddenly wasn’t as confident as I had been.
Daddy could read the fear in my face. “Hey,” he said, coming toward me. “Don’t be so worried. You’re not alone by any definition of the word. We’re in this together, you and me. Whatever we have to do, we’ll do.”
He drew me to him to give me a loving hug and then kissed me on the forehead.
“Don’t think that every moment I’m not thinking as hard about you as I am about your mother. I know this is as devastating for you as it is for anyone. More so because your sister was, is, so much a part of you and you of her. I’ll be here for you. Don’t worry,” he promised.
I was crying. What is this? I wondered. Am I really crying this time? It’s the Kaylee in me, damn it. No matter what I did, we were part of each other. Maybe in time, she would dwindle, but right now, she was here, standing beside me, crying for us all the way I imagined she would. She would even be blaming herself.
Well, take the blame, I thought, and wiped the tears from my cheeks.
“I have to redo my face,” I told Daddy.
He smiled. “And what a pretty face it is,” he said. He kissed me again and left.
I returned to the bathroom and stared at myself in the mirror, wondering if I had enough water in me to generate all the tears I was planning to shed when I met my girlfriends and Kaylee’s at school.
On my way out, I hesitated at Mother’s doorway. Mrs. Lofter stepped out of the bathroom and saw me.
“I’m giving her a bath,” she said. “It’s calming. Your father says you’re going to school?”
Broken Glass Page 22
