‘You don’t have to stay,’ he says as he gets comfortable. ‘Don’t you have classes?’
‘Oh, I definitely do,’ I say, pulling my jacket around myself. ‘But taking care of the boy who got a black eye and broke a guy’s nose for me feels like it should be a priority.’
He laughs a little, so at least I know he isn’t totally mad about this whole situation.
‘So, explain what’s going on with stoner boy?’ he says.
‘It’s long.’
‘Well, what a great way to start a story.’ He raises the only eyebrow I can see suggestively and smiles. Gosh, he’s got quite a smile. Wow. He leans back on the bench. ‘Come on. If you’re going to stay, you need to keep me entertained.’
I’d hardly describe everything that happened between Connor and I as entertaining, but it might make a good anecdote one day when it stops hurting like hell. I sit next to him and start at the very beginning, explaining absolutely everything to Seth. Almost everything, there are some things that should remain private.
‘That’s messed up,’ he says flatly. ‘All of it. You didn’t need to lie to me.’
‘It wasn’t my secret to tell,’ I say.
‘You’re a good guy,’ he says. ‘You could ruin his life, you know?’
‘But what does that make me, huh? It’s not my place. He’s got a tough family life and shitty friends, not that I’m making excuses for his behaviour or anything like that . . .’ I trail off. ‘But he’s had his own shit going on. It’s nobody’s choice to decide when someone comes out. If they ever do . . .’
‘Your mum is right that you deserve better. If I’d known all he did to you, I probably would have hit him harder.’
And now I feel sad. I’m mourning the loss of something that was definitely over the second he called me that word, that should have been over before it began. Dating a guy when his friends have kicked the shit out of you a few weeks before isn’t a good move, but once it started I just couldn’t finish it. I’ll miss . . . whatever the hell it was we had. I think I’ll miss being needed by someone. Even though he only needed me when it suited him.
‘OK,’ I say. ‘So long as we’re telling stories, maybe you should tell me why you’re here.’
‘What?’ he says. ‘I got punched in the face. Why do you think I’m—’
‘Yeah, OK, smart guy, stop deflecting,’ I say. ‘It’s a few months until exams start and you’ve popped up out of absolutely nowhere. What’s that about?’
‘No comment.’
‘Seth.’
‘It’s long.’
‘Well, what a great way to start a story,’ I tease. ‘Come on. You know all my trauma – it’s only fair.’
He laughs. ‘Trauma for trauma,’ he says. ‘If you’re looking for a fair trade, I might have you beat.’
‘Well, it’s not a competition,’ I say. ‘But feel free to fill me in so that I can make an assessment.’
Seth shuffles and leans back. He takes a breath. Whatever he’s about to tell me, he’s not all that keen on letting it out.
‘I don’t know whether to laugh about this or not,’ he starts. ‘But everything that happened out there right now is the reason I’m here.’
‘I’m not following.’
‘I got kicked out of my last school for fighting,’ he says. ‘Someone outed me, I still don’t know who, and I wasn’t really ready. So there was a group of guys who took it upon themselves to make my life hell, every damn day. Then it reached a point where I couldn’t take it any more. I kicked the shit out of a guy and nearly put him in hospital.’
‘What?’ I knew Seth was a bit of a badass, but I never thought for a second this would be why he was here. ‘And what happened after that?’
‘Well, everybody saw me hitting this guy, so plenty of witnesses, plus all of his buddies going against me and . . .’ He trails off and shakes his head. ‘And I got expelled.’
‘Even though he was bullying you?’
‘The school didn’t see it that way,’ he says. ‘I didn’t report the bullying so I didn’t have a leg to stand on. I got expelled and my parents sent me to live with my grandparents. Took me away from my friends, from my brothers, and now I’m here. Why do you think I don’t give a shit what anyone at this school thinks?’ He laughs.
‘When did this happen?’
‘Just before Christmas,’ he says, a sheepish smile creeping across his face. He’s brave-facing it with the best of them right now, determined not to crack, but I can see that it still hurts. He’s really been through it. ‘Merry Christmas to me.’
‘Shit,’ I say. ‘That sucks, I’m sorry, Seth.’
He shrugs. ‘It might be about to happen again, you never know.’
‘Oh, Seth, no, I won’t let it,’ I say.
‘Shit happens.’
It’s a much better outlook than the one that I have when it feels like my life is falling apart. My first port of call is to crawl into a ball and wallow. And my life isn’t even that bad – at least I still have my mum.
I lean my head on his shoulder. ‘I’m still sorry, though,’ I say. ‘I wouldn’t wish that on anybody.’
‘Even Connor?’
‘Not even Connor,’ I say.
He sighs. ‘Me neither.’
‘So what classes are you taking?’ I ask. ‘I get you for English, but nothing else. Where are you all day?’
‘I messed up my exams last year,’ he says. ‘When people are bullying you, they can really get in your head and I royally failed everything, apart from English, so I’m being held back. I’ll finish my English exam this year and finish the rest next year. It means I’ll be at uni a year later, but I was going to take a year out anyway. I figured there’s no harm.’
‘No, I guess not,’ I say, though I’m totally thinking the opposite. I seem to have done nothing but panic about the prospect of a year out. He makes it sound so easy. But I guess he doesn’t have a choice. ‘You’re very zen about all this.’
He shrugs. ‘You can plan for things as much as you like, but life will always throw a curve ball. You have to keep going. There is something good that comes out of practically every shitty situation. You found drag. I found you. Whatever happens, you have to find a way to make it work. Otherwise what’s the point?’
He smiles and I smile back and I just want to cry looking at him. He’s going to be here for another year and so am I. So is Greg. I’m not going to be totally alone. A sunny side to every situation.
‘Thanks, by the way,’ I say, realizing that he’s sitting here with a black eye in the making and I’ve not even thanked him for going all knight in shining armour on me. ‘You didn’t have to step in like that.’
‘Well, I sort of did,’ he says. ‘He wasn’t about to let go of you; it would have been pretty shitty of me to walk away.’
‘But you got punched.’
‘I don’t mind taking a punch for you,’ he says. ‘It was a calculated risk. I’ve been punched before, but I just couldn’t stand him being like that with you. I really thought he was going to hurt you and I just . . . You don’t mind? You’re not freaked out?’
‘No. What he was doing was a lot and . . . just thank you.’
‘Don’t mention it,’ he says.
‘Robin?’ I look up to the school entrance and see my mum there ready to open the door. She’s not looking like herself: her hair pulled up into a sensible-looking ponytail, her make-up business professional, her outfit smart casual. The category she’s walking in is Woman in Total Control of Herself and she is serving. ‘What are you doing out here?’
‘I’m uh . . . well . . .’ I can’t find the words.
‘Are you in trouble?’ she asks, raising an eyebrow.
‘No, not at all, I—’ I stop myself. ‘Connor tried to talk to me today and he got a little . . .’ I trail off. There’s no way to say this without it sounding really bad on Connor, which I guess it is. ‘It got a little physical and Seth, this is Seth—’ I gesture to
him, Mum flicks her gaze to him, her eyes widen briefly when she sees the state he’s in but then she turns to me again. ‘He stepped in and got Connor to leave me alone, but Connor punched him and here we are. I didn’t want to just abandon him. It seemed cruel when he basically saved my face.’
She cracks a smile, but quickly hides it away. ‘Well, thank you for saving my son’s face,’ she says, still trying to hide her smile. ‘It means a lot to him. He’s only got one . . . most of the time.’
‘Ooh, she’s on fire this morning,’ I say. She curtseys. ‘Wait a second, what are you doing here?’
‘Meeting with Mrs Finch,’ she says. ‘That’s why I’m dressed like the alternate-universe version of your mother.’
‘Does it help if I tell you that you look nice?’
‘Only mildly,’ she replies with the slightest of smiles. ‘I’ll see you tonight? We can talk about this meeting later. I imagine it will be juicy.’
‘Don’t get thrown out of school.’
‘Oh, you stop that,’ she says. ‘You know I don’t like to make a scene.’ She raises an eyebrow at me and walks inside.
I let out a heavy breath.
‘That wasn’t so bad,’ Seth says. He pulls his phone out of his pocket. ‘We’re officially late, by the way.’
My turn to shrug. ‘If I’m late to register, I’m late to register. I have a free this morning anyway and this feels more important. You feel important,’ I add, trying to stop that throw-up feeling from overtaking my whole body.
‘Really?’
I nod. ‘Yeah.’
‘So, what’s the plan for today?’ he asks.
‘Huh?’
‘We’re heading out on your free period, right?’
I nod. ‘Yeah,’ I say. ‘I’ll register and then we’ll just go. We’re getting an act on its heels today. I don’t know what it’s going to be, but we’re going to try some shit.’
‘What time do you need to be there?’ he asks, and I smile.
‘Kaye said around ten would work.’
‘OK, ten it is,’ Seth says.
‘Will you be OK to—?’
‘Yeah.’
‘Because I can reschedule or something.’
‘Shut up,’ he says. ‘I’ll be all right. You can’t miss this. I won’t let you.’ I lean my head back on his shoulder and settle in there for a while, basking in the silence. ‘You need to go and register,’ he says.
‘I don’t want to,’ I reply. ‘It’s way more fun here.’
‘The sooner you do that, the sooner we can just get out of here,’ he says.
‘OK,’ I say, not moving an inch.
‘Robin.’
‘Seth.’
‘This is nice.’
I smile and get up and head to registration. I get there just in time to see Greg and Natalie walking out of the room and into the corridor. Nat breathes a heavy sigh.
‘Where the hell were you?’ she says. ‘I messaged you. Seth broke Connor’s nose. Did you see? Are you OK?’
I mean, it’s not great, but at least she’s talking to me?
‘I’m fine, Seth’s fine—’
‘Did you tell him about the faggot thing?’ Natalie asks, and I turn to her so sharply it takes Greg less than a second to jump on it.
‘What faggot thing?’ Greg interrupts.
‘Shit.’
‘Nat?’ Greg turns to her, his face thunderous.
‘Sorry, Robin,’ she says.
‘What thing? What happened? Are you OK?’ he asks me.
‘I’m fine,’ I say. ‘It’s Seth who’s got a bruised face. And it doesn’t matter what happened, because it’s over now. It’s done.’
‘It totally matters,’ Natalie says. ‘Before Robin sang at Entity that night, he bumped into Connor outside and Connor called him the f-word and said he was disgusting. That’s why he was so messed up.’ She looks at me. ‘You told Seth and he decked Connor, right?’
‘Wrong!’ I say. ‘Connor was getting physical, I told him I didn’t want anything to do with him any more and . . .’ I trail off as I see Greg’s face. He looks so hurt. Worse than that, he looks angry. And I can see what he’s going to do before he does it.
‘Fucking hell, Robin,’ Greg says. ‘What’s the matter with you?’
‘Huh?’
‘It’s like you’re looking to destroy your own life,’ Greg says.
‘Greg,’ Nat says. ‘It doesn’t matter. It’s over – it just doesn’t matter.’
‘It does matter,’ Greg groans. ‘It all matters because it’s just another lie on top of all the other lies.’
‘No, come on, Greg, it’s done. Finally. We can move on. Let’s go to the common room and cool off.’ Natalie turns to me. I hesitate.
‘Well, actually, I was—’
‘Robin, what the hell?’ Natalie interrupts.
‘What?’
‘Entity again?’
I open my mouth to speak, but stop myself.
‘You can’t keep doing this. Look, I covered for you this morning because I thought you were late, but now you’re pissing off to—’
‘I’m performing on Friday.’
‘You’re going to screw up your exams!’
‘This is an opportunity, Nat. Come on, everything has fallen apart for me, and Kaye and drag—’
‘I’m sick of hearing how everything has fallen apart for you, Robin! You’ve become so self-centred I can hardly cope!’ she barks. ‘I’m so stupid. I spend so much of my time thinking about you it’s a wonder I even have my own life. Not that you answer your phone to me. Ever.’
‘Well, after what happened at yours last Saturday, can you blame me?’
‘Robin, Nat, let’s not go here again, please.’
Natalie turns to Greg. ‘Wait, what do you mean, other lies?’ she asks. ‘You said there were other lies – what other lies?’ She turns to me. ‘What is it?’
‘Do you want to tell her or shall I?’ Greg asks.
‘I don’t think it’s necessary.’
‘I do!’ Natalie snaps.
A crowd has started to gather in the corridor, people queueing up outside classrooms, and I can feel their eyes on us, watching us as we fall apart.
‘So do I,’ Greg says. ‘Remember Robin’s dancing accident during the Summer of Fun?’
‘Greg, please don’t do this.’
‘Robin got beaten up,’ Greg says.
‘What?’
‘It was Connor’s friends who did it. Robin was waiting for me in Southford, they saw him and they attacked him for no reason,’ Greg hisses, and I can see a vein popping in his neck, his hands fists at his sides. ‘He was there and didn’t do anything.’
‘We weren’t dating at the time so—’ I whisper, wary of the crowd we seem to have gathered.
‘So you lied to me?’ Natalie says.
‘If I hadn’t have got there when I did, who knows what could have happened.’
‘You both lied to me?’ Natalie says, shaking her head. ‘What the fuck is wrong with you? Why wouldn’t you tell me?’
‘Robin asked me not to—’
‘Really?’ Natalie says furiously. ‘Are you so pathetic that just because Robin asks you to do something you do it? He’s not your little brother, Greg – he’s not a child – you should have done the right thing.’
‘Nat—’
‘And you.’ She rounds on me. ‘We’re supposed to tell each other everything. If I’d have known, yeah, I probably wouldn’t have been thrilled that you were dating him because he’s clearly got issues, but I’d also be worried about you.’ She turns to Greg. ‘Weren’t you worried about him? I mean, fucking hell, Greg—’
‘How has this turned into my fault?’ Greg asks.
‘Because you let him stay with Connor! You said who knows what would have happened if you hadn’t been there – were you not worried about what could have happened when they were together?’
‘Of course I was!’
‘Then w
hy didn’t you do anything?’
‘Because he asked me to keep it quiet,’ Greg says again. ‘I was trying to be a good friend.’
‘Being a good friend would be stopping him from being with that twat in the first place,’ Natalie snaps. ‘Not that Seth’s any better.’
‘You’re starting on Seth now? Seriously?’
‘Come on, Robin, he’s a loser,’ she says. ‘He doesn’t care about school, he doesn’t care about you—’
‘You don’t know if he cares about me or not,’ I interrupt. ‘You don’t even know him.’
‘You’ve known him for two weeks, Robin – you don’t even know him.’
‘I know that he’s been looking out for me,’ I say. ‘I know that he’s been trying to help me get through this shitty part of my life and—’
‘Shut UP, Robin.’
‘What?’
‘SHUT UP!’ Natalie shouts. A murmur runs through the crowd of people watching. ‘I don’t care any more. I’m sick of it.’
‘What?’
‘I. Don’t. Care,’ Natalie says slowly. ‘We’re supposed to be best friends, but you obviously don’t give a shit about anyone but yourself.’
‘Natalie, I can explain—’
‘There’s nothing to explain,’ she says. ‘In a few months’ time, I’m off to start a new life without you anyway, and you’re obviously perfectly happy with your shiny new toys, so I’m just going to leave now, make it easier on both of us.’ She turns to walk down the corridor. This is exactly what I was afraid of happening.
‘Natalie, wait, don’t.’ I move to follow her, but she turns to face me one last time.
‘Don’t follow me, Robin. I’m done,’ she says.
‘Nat!’ Greg calls.
‘Piss off, both of you!’
The crowd that has gathered looks at me and Greg before they start to disperse, whispers passing between them.
I turn to Greg, who looks torn between following her and staying with me.
‘Greg—’
‘I don’t want to talk, Robin,’ Greg says.
‘But, Greg, I—’
‘Just don’t,’ he says. ‘I need to think, OK? You’ve really fucked up this time.’
TWENTY-SIX
Seth drives me to Entity and I find myself checking my phone every few minutes. I’m here, but I’m totally not present and he can tell. Jared, the bartender, lets us in and tells us that Kaye will be late, so Seth and I head upstairs. It’s so quiet. The sort of quiet that means my brain is working overtime.
Boy Queen Page 21
