David took a long pull on his beer.
“What’s going on, J.J.? I’m getting confused.”
“What’d you mean?”
“Oh, I don’t know. You? Lillian? Your mother? Me?”
Jason took a swig of his beer. “It’s complicated.”
“Lillian loves you, you know. She told me.”
“I know.”
“Then why are you so dismissive to her?”
More beers arrived.
Jason took a long pull on his beer and looked at his friend. There was a deep sadness in his eyes. “I’d marry her in a heartbeat; tomorrow if I could. But I have to do this first.”
David shook his head. He thought Jason had his priorities reversed.
“I just want you to know how grateful I am you showed up?”
“Thanks. But I’m not looking for your gratitude. I thought we were going to have a good time. That’s what I want. So far, I’m glad I came.”
“I think Lillian understands,” Jason said.
David gave him a look that stated dream on.
Chapter 16
Ala Wai Yacht Harbor
Sunday April 30, 1989
The following morning, Jason and David had raging hangovers. They had just finished washing down Mata‘i when Larry arrived. His car was filled with boxes of fresh food that would take them through the first ten days of their trip. The boys brought the provisions onboard and Larry gave them their orders for the day; stow all the food, grease the eggs – coating the shells with Vaseline kept the air out and preserved them for over a week without refrigeration – and had David catalog all the canned goods stored under the floorboards. David now saw the side of Larry that Jason had complained about. Wasn’t there already a chart that had been made when they’d first stowed the goods? There was, but Larry wanted David to make his own so that he would know where everything was in case they were in an emergency situation, and Larry suddenly needed a can of beans.
The boat was a mess. Jason was still greasing eggs. David had all the floorboards up in the cabin and half the cans out so that they could be put back according to type, something that hadn’t been done originally. In the middle of all this Byron arrived. He was right out of Miami Vice—silk shirt and pastel colored pants, loafers without socks, gold chains around his neck, and a tan that was as much from a salon as it was from the sun.
Larry introduced the boys to his brother. After their “hellos” Byron said, “See you tomorrow.” With that he disappeared.
Larry ducked back below and demanded, “What have you two been doing all day? I expected everything done by the time Byron arrived. Now he has to spend the night in a hotel. I want everything squared away by five o’clock so Byron, Helen and I can have our cocktails and watch the sunset. You two need to be gone by then, and don’t come back until after eight.”
As Larry stomped off the boat, the boys heard Byron say, “You said the fucking boat was going to be ready.”
“Well, excuse me,” Larry replied sarcastically.
The pals looked at each other for a moment and then burst out laughing. They had Mata‘i shipshape by early afternoon, and David took Jason’s car for one last tour around the island. He’d heard about a good Mexican restaurant in Haleiwa and needed one last fix before they sailed to the South Pacific.
Late that afternoon, as the sun approached the horizon and people gathered to watch the “green flash,” Jason and Lillian dined together at the at the Royal Hawaiian Hotel’s beachside restaurant. Jason couldn’t take his eyes off the surf. Lillian didn’t really mind. After a class like the one Elizabeth had just given, she loved that Jason could feel the silence and let her digest the new spiritual food she’d been feasting on. They both enjoyed being at the edge of the sand, under a pink umbrella, watching the people on the beach as if they were part of a grand play. People on holiday, especially in a resort like Waikiki Beach, seemed to forget that others can see what they’re doing. Perhaps they felt freer to do things they wouldn’t do at home because nobody knew them here. Sometimes Lillian and Jason would laugh at the same time, look at each other, and then back to the person who had caused their laughter.
A nice-sized set of waves carried dozens of surfers and outrigger canoes toward the sand. A beach catamaran also got a lift from one of the waves and raced toward shore. A crewman on the bow blew a conch shell horn and shouted for the swimmers to move out of the way. The setting sun turned the whole picture into a post card.
“Do you wish you were out there steering that catamaran into the beach?” Lillian asked him.
“Not really. When the waves are up and the beach is packed, it’s kind of hairy.”
After drinking in the scenery, Lillian said, “I couldn’t live here.”
“Why not?”
“It’s too beautiful. All I’d want to do is sit around looking at the sea.” Lillian realized at that moment that she hated the sea. It had never been part of her life and if she were to lose the one she loved to the sea, it would be medieval.
Jason felt the mood change. “What about Mom’s book?” He hated always having his mother linked to Lillian.
“It’s coming along.” she answered. Lillian felt awkward. She was distracted by a very white family parking themselves on the sand in front of them. She wished Jason were truly free—free of Elizabeth, free of Larry, and free to be her lover. Yet she and Jason had not made love. “Your mom’s not a very good writer. She’s a wonderful teacher, but to put her teaching into a book is a challenge.”
“Will you be here when I get back?”
“I don’t know.”
“You think I’m being selfish, don’t you?” Jason said.
“You know how I feel.”
“Do you know how I feel?” Jason continued. “I don’t want to leave you, either.”
Jason looked away, out to the ocean, and Lillian sensed his dilemma. She took his hand. “I love you, J.J. Let’s get a room here. Who’ll know?”
And before he knew it, he was on the bed in the last room that the hotel had available that evening, waiting for Lillian to come to him. Was she as excited as he was? Jason wondered. He hadn’t expected Lillian’s spontaneity. Then he began to have second thoughts. Was this the right thing to do? Should they do this the night before his trip? But this was the only opportunity they had. For the first time he doubted himself. Lillian was his soul mate. He knew that, but he also knew he had to wait until the time was right for marriage. He couldn’t bind Lillian until he was fully prepared for their life together. Was he being fair? Would this night ruin everything?
Then Lillian walked into the room and into his arms. Everything changed. They explored each other’s bodies tenderly and completely. They couldn’t stop giggling. Jason took his time, making sure Lillian felt as much pleasure as he did. She opened a new world for him and took him where he hadn’t been before. They exhausted each other and awakened as new people.
Chapter 17
Stanford House
Wednesday Midnight, November 2004
It had been less than forty-eight hours since Jason was seen in the cancer ward at Marsdan Hospital and he was still trying to make sense of the reaction to that event. He wandered through the rooms of his apartment, going from the parlor to the comfortable family room. He sat at the country table and booted up Lillian’s computer. He went on the Internet and typed his name in the Google search box. About a million results came up in a fraction of a second. Jason looked at all the statistics on him—birthdate, nationality, spouse, and education—and shut the iBook in disgust. He looked for the television remote, found it, and turned on the TV set. The channel that came on aired an advertisement about his broadcast coming up on Friday. He couldn’t escape the news about himself. He turned the television off, grabbed a hoodie, and left his apartment.
Thomas Parker stood at his post outside Jason’s door. When Jason came out, he jumped.
“Let’s get a cup of coffee, Tommy.” Jason strode down the hall towar
d the elevator. Thomas followed reluctantly, not sure what he should do. A moment later his earpiece came to life with the voice of the watch captain: “What’s going on?”
“We’re going to the dining room for coffee.”
“The dining room is closed.”
“The dining room is closed,” Thomas repeated.
The elevator door opened, and Jason entered. “Then we’ll open it.”
When the elevator arrived on the main floor, Jason got out and walked quickly to the dining hall. Thomas, on his heels, muttered into his mouthpiece and asked his boss what to do. The dining room wasn’t closed. The large hall had a dozen people in it. A buffet of pastries, cold cuts, and hot drinks were available for the night shift working in the security and media departments. Jason chose a table away from the others and Thomas sat across from him.
“Who’s the watch captain tonight?” Jason asked.
“Terry Dolan.”
“Tell him to join us on your little mouthpiece there. I’m surprised he didn’t know the dining room is open twenty-four hours.”
“I think he’s coming in now.”
An overweight man in his mid-forties with pasty skin and a shaved head walked quickly over to Jason.
“Sit down. Terry is it?” Jason said.
Terry Dolan remained standing. “You’re not allowed to be down here, sir.”
“Allowed? Do you know who I am?”
“Yes, sir. Mr. Howell prefers that you remain in your flat for your own safety.”
“Is Mr. Howell running things around here?”
“He runs the ISD and I just follow orders, sir.”
“Tom, were your orders to keep me in my apartment?” Jason asked.
“I was just told to keep an eye on you because of the heightened threat due to the increased crowds,” Thomas replied.
“Are there hostile crowds in here?”
“No.”
“Am I in danger? Here in the compound?”
“No.”
“Then I’m going to have a cup of coffee and some pie and find out more about young Thomas here before I retire. You may go back to the security bunker, Terry.”
Terry didn’t leave. After a moment, Jason got up and walked over to the buffet. He poured himself a cup of coffee, grabbed a piece of pumpkin pie, returned to the table and sat down. He told Thomas to get something if he wanted. Thomas looked at both Jason and Terry, got up, went over to the buffet and made himself some tea.
Terry stepped behind Jason and put his hand on Jason’s shoulder. “I must take you back to your flat. Please don’t make me get physical.”
“Take your hands off me!” Jason shoved the table away, stood up, and turned to face Terry. They could smell each other’s breath. The spattering of conversation around the room stopped. Jason said very softly to Terry, “You don’t seem to get the dynamics of the situation, Mr. Dolan. You work for me. If you want to continue working for me, you’ll leave now.”
Terry Dolan thought for a moment and then said, “Whatever I do I’m fucked.” He grabbed Jason by his shirt, spun him around, and twisted his arm up behind his back. At the same time, he pulled a pair of handcuffs from his belt and applied one part of the cuffs to Jason’s twisted arm. Jason bent over in pain and Terry secured the other arm.
Thomas ran back to the table and pushed Terry away from Jason. “What is wrong with you?” he shouted. “We’re not running a jail.”
“Don’t be insubordinate, Parker.”
Thomas grabbed Terry’s hand and interlocked their fingers, bending Terry’s fingers backwards until Terry dropped to his knees and handed over the keys to the cuffs.
Thomas freed Jason, and Jason grabbed Terry’s mobile and called Gary.
“Gary, get down to the dining hall now.”
Terry hung around for a second, looking to exert his authority, but everybody in the room had already seen what he had done. He walked out projecting a righteous attitude that nobody cared about.
Jason paid no attention to Terry. Instead he learned all he could about Thomas. Thomas had spent five years in the Royal Army with the Queen’s Life Guard before he quit to join the St. John Ministries after a riding accident forced him to change jobs.
By the time Gary grabbed a cup of coffee and joined them, Thomas had told Jason his life story.
Gary dismissed Thomas.
Jason could barely keep his voice under control. “Gary, the fucking guy handcuffed me!”
“I apologize for Dolan’s behavior.”
“Apologize!? Get rid of the creep!”
“He can be overzealous, but he’s a good man.”
“I don’t want him in anyway connected to this ministry.”
“Okay, I’ll sack him.”
Jason looked at Gary, trying to understand when Gary had changed. He seemed more authoritarian than Jason remembered.
“I understand that you and Tony don’t want to deal with controversy. But we’ve always been controversial. And now more than ever you need to understand that the way this Ministry progresses is not up to you.”
“I just don’t want you to destroy the credibility and the respect you’ve built.”
“Handcuffing me in my own dining room will destroy the Ministry’s credibility more than I ever will. The TV conference will explain everything.”
“Will you emphatically state that you weren’t in the hospital room with those girls?”
“That’s not what the program will be about. Besides, the phenomenon of apparitions is relatively common throughout history, and our program will bring many perspectives to it. You shouldn’t worry.”
“It’s what everyone wants to know.”
“Everyone wants to know how I heal, and with all my books and videos, and even with private instruction, I’m surprised by how few people catch the secret. We’ll give people a sufficient rationale for what they thought happened at Marsdan.”
“If you’re not going to categorically state that you were not in the room with those girls, I better increase the security for this place. The zealots that want to kill you are not going away.”
“I don’t give a shit about them.”
“You can’t be serious. They are the barbarians at the gates. If we don’t neutralize them, they will destroy us.
“I am serious. To ‘resist not evil’ is the core of our work.”
“Sometimes you have to confront evil with the flaming sword of truth.”
Jason realized that Gary didn’t get it. The Sword of Truth wasn’t a military weapon; it was the light of the Word that dispelled the darkness.
“I want you to rescind this stupid order to keep me confined to the compound.”
“The board will have to rescind it.”
“The board has nothing to do with it. This is you, Gary.”
“The board voted on it,” Gary said.
“The board voted on having the symposium. You and Tony did not. No one is to interfere with my freedom whatsoever. Is that clear?”
Gary was still for a moment, thinking. “I’ve admired you from the time I regained my sanity and became whole. You are a gift to the world, really a gift. You changed my life and I’ve credited that to you. And that’s why your security is so important to me.”
Jason laughed. “What your goon did here tonight shifted the focus of our TV show. You think this won’t get out? People won’t care about apparitions; they’ll want to know why Jason St. John was handcuffed in the dining room of his own headquarters. You and Barbara and all those in the media department will not be answering questions about the nature of reality; not answering questions about healing. You’ll have the crowds asking why I was handcuffed. Is he mentally unstable? Is he violent? Do you think that’s going to enhance the Ministry?”
Gary looked down at his hands and they were shaking.
“You better make up some story to tell all these people.” Jason gestured to those still in the room as he got up. “Make up something good, like this was some kind of
test. Tell them I’m not really Jason, but a look-a-like imposter. I’m going to bed.”
Jason left Gary sitting at the table with his head in his hands.
After a few hours of fitful sleep, Jason got up. His mind was filled with the rehash of the day, which bothered him more than the actual confrontations. He always thought that he was in control of his mind, but he felt helpless at this particular moment. He believed that he had mastered a level of detachment so that he did not have to relive the events of the past and project them into the future. He understood the mystical principle of now. But could he really maintain that? Was he fearful about this current challenge? Was he fearful of his board and how they appear to have such power over his life? He remembered an Indian guru telling him that there is no fear in the now. Fear only exists in memory—those events in the past that seem to dictate one’s current life—or in imagination, which is fear projected into the future.
Mainly he was angry, angry with himself for reacting to what happened today, and for thinking himself above conflict. He hadn’t been this fraught since his grand voyage to the South Pacific. Was Tony just another incarnation of Larry, coming back into his life to be purged? How often must he face this type of power? Would he ever be free and able to soar unhampered into the infinity of spiritual creation? Overcoming the barriers of material power had been the core of his teaching and had set him on the road to where he was now. Obviously, he wasn’t as purged as he thought.
And now David was coming back, he thought—hoped. Again, his mind ran between the past and the future, bringing to mind images and feelings he thought he’d been rid of for years. Jason still felt that David had betrayed him when he quit the organization and the board. But he couldn’t blame David for Tony Bass. He thought that the first words from David would be, “I told you so.” Jason knew that this was the typical human response to the dilemma he was in, and he mentally beat himself up for falling into that state of consciousness. Jason had to admit that his ego was raging.
He couldn’t stay in bed. He got up, threw on some jeans and a long-sleeved T-shirt, and walked into his parlor. It didn’t feel like his home anymore. Thinking about it, it never really did. When he, Lillian, David, Melanie, and Dorothy decided they needed a proper organization, the first thing the board did was purchase this property for their headquarters. Lillian loved London and chose Stanford House to be the center of the world where they all would live and work as one—a new kind of cloister. He liked the idea at the time. So did Lillian. Now he understood why she hated it so.
The Atua Man Page 13
