by Sarah Mirk
HIV/AIDS
Human immunodeficiency virus (HIV) is the virus that causes acquired immunodeficiency syndrome (AIDS). The virus attacks and weakens the immune system. People with AIDS are extremely susceptible to common diseases such as the flu and pneumonia that a healthy immune system would fight off. These common illnesses are life-threatening to someone with AIDS because their body can’t fight them off. Untreated, people with HIV/AIDS die from usually nonfatal illnesses such as pneumonia and the flu.
HIV is spread through body fluids, including blood, semen, vaginal fluids, and breast milk. That means you can’t get HIV from kissing, hugging, sitting on a toilet seat, or sharing drinks or silverware with a person who has HIV.
You can get HIV by having unprotected vaginal or anal sex with an infected person. You can also get HIV by sharing a needle with someone who is infected. Infected mothers can pass the virus to their newborns during vaginal delivery and through breast milk.
Anyone can get HIV regardless of race or sexual orientation. In the United States, the group most at risk of contracting HIV are African American men who have sex with other men. Dennis Sifris, MD, and journalist James Myhre said, “While some may suggest that culture and sexual behavior are solely to blame for this, the fault lies more with the social and economic inequities that can fuel any infectious disease outbreak. Poverty, social injustice, and the lack of an effective government response together enable the spread of disease in communities that simply haven’t the resources to combat it.”
There’s no cure for HIV yet, although drugs can help people with HIV live long lives. Pre-exposure antiviral medication is available for HIV-negative people to take to prevent contracting the disease. The rate of HIV infection in the United States is declining through condom use and virus-suppressing drugs. However, thousands of people every year contract HIV in the United States. Since the epidemic was identified in the early 1980s, more than 1.2 million people in the United States have received an AIDS diagnosis. Among people aged thirteen to twenty-four with HIV, an estimated 51 percent didn’t know they had the disease. So get tested!
Questions to Think About
Does wearing tight jean shorts cause yeast infections?
Wearing tight, non-breathable fabric doesn’t cause yeast infections, but it does make them more likely. Tight jeans, leggings, leotards, or spandex don’t allow much airflow into your crotch, so your sweat builds up and makes the place warm and moist—which bacteria love. Get out of wet clothes (like workout gear or swimsuits) as soon as possible and towel off well. If you do need to wear tight clothes, give your crotch some time afterward to air out. Some doctors recommend sleeping without underwear a few nights a week.
I want to get tested for chlamydia, but I don’t want to go to my family’s doctor. Is there somewhere else I can go?
The Centers for Disease Control and Prevention has a website to help people find clinics that do STI testing in their area: https://gettested.cdc.gov/. Check it out! Many clinics do STI tests for free or at a discount rate for low-income people. Any Planned Parenthood branch will also offer STI tests. Look up Planned Parenthood, and see if there are any branches in your area.
Chapter Six
Talking about Feelings
Let’s talk about the open secret of dating: No one knows what they’re doing. Everyone feels awkward. Even experienced adults are making up their approach to relationships as they go. There is no one-size-fits-all map to dating. Everyone has to draw their own map based on their own history, values, and desires.
The only tried-and-true remedy to combat awkwardness in dating is communication. You’ve gotta talk it out.
Brave People Open Up
The name of the feelings game is honesty. It’s hard to talk honestly about the things that affect us. People put off talking about big things (like coming out) and small things (like telling your boyfriend you don’t like his favorite shirt). They’re not sure what to say or how to say it. Some people spend a lifetime trying to find the right words to discuss their sexuality. Some people spend years in relationships they don’t enjoy because speaking up about the problems seems terrifyingly impossible. Some people miss the chance (over and over and over) to build healthy relationships because they’re too worried about rejection to take the leap of sharing their feelings.
Talking about feelings is the bravest and kindest way to be. You can’t change how someone else feels. But you can express what’s going on in your head. An excellent model for communications in relationships is an I-message. An I-message looks like this:
“I feel . . . (name the feeling) when . . . (describe the behavior) because (explain the effect the behavior has).”
“I feel disrespected when you don’t use the pronouns I asked you to use because it makes me feel uncomfortable in my own body.”
“I feel upset when you interrupt me because it makes me feel as if no one cares about what I’m saying.”
With “I” messages, the speaker shares their feelings without coming across as judging the other person. It shows that you want to exchange the facts, find a solution together, and seek a helpful or positive change in the situation. Being able to talk about things that are upsetting is a crucial skill in any relationship, whether it’s with a partner, a friend, a parent, a coworker, or even a stranger. Angry, upsetting feelings that we ignore fester over time into resentment and even violence. That’s a relationship killer. And a dangerous way to live in the world.
When asking someone to change a certain behavior, it helps to be really specific about what you want that person to do. Instead of telling them not to do something, suggest an alternative that would work better or make you feel better. For example,
“I feel disrespected when you don’t use the pronouns I asked you to use because it makes me feel uncomfortable in my own body.”
Action: I need you to use they/them pronouns when talking about me, even when I’m not in the room. Otherwise, you are misgendering me.
“I feel upset when I’m interrupted because it makes me feel as if no one cares about what I’m saying.”
Action: When I’m talking, please wait for a moment and make sure I’m done before you begin.
On the flip side, if someone brings up a problem with your behavior, the most effective reaction is to listen. Acknowledge the other person’s feelings, and even if it hurts to hear them, tell the person that you’re glad they made the effort and took the risk to raise the issue. Responding well to criticism is super difficult. Try to hear what they’re saying and think about what impact your behavior had on them. Slow down, take a deep breath before responding, and then try to talk about solutions.
For example,
“I understand why my using the wrong pronouns to describe you would make you feel uncomfortable. Thanks for letting me know I was hurting you in this way. I screwed up your pronouns because it’s difficult for me to remember to use the right words all the time, but I’ll work harder to be more careful and considerate.”
“Thanks for flagging that I have a bad habit of interrupting you. I think I talk over you because I’m excited about what you’re saying and want to add onto it. I definitely appreciate your ideas and opinions. I’ll do better to let you finish your thoughts before I jump in.”
Know to Say No
Most of us, especially girls and women, are taught to be people pleasers and to put other people’s needs first and our needs second. “Be nice!” is usually a message that we should do what other people want without complaint. But when you’re trained to always say yes, it’s hard to learn how to say no. It’s hard to express what you want and to create healthy boundaries.
It’s not only okay to say no, it’s essential to say no! In intimate relationships, you have no obligation to agree to do anything with someone because you’re worried about hurting their feelings if you say no. That includes going to a dance, making out, and having sex. It’s your job to take care of your own body and feelings first. This means listening to
your inner voice and listening to what your instincts and values tell you. If your instincts tell you that you don’t want to do something or that it’s unsafe to do so, you don’t have to. It’s not okay to make someone else happy by making yourself unhappy or unsafe.
Tips for Hard Conversations
Disagreement is a natural part of life. In any relationship—whether it’s a friendship, a romance, at work, or with family members—conflict will occur. The real skill is to talk about the conflicts rather than ignoring them.
Ask yourself what makes you upset. Get to the root of what’s hurtful. Then you can pinpoint what’s wrong and come up with possible solutions.
Focus on the problem, not the person. It’s easy to spiral from “you were late to pick me up” to “you’re a terrible person!” Keep focused on the actual behavior that is irritating you without casting blame on the person as a whole, calling them names, or mocking them.
Work toward making a change. Ask yourself, “What can this person do in the future to ease this problem? What can I do?” Try to agree on action steps. Change doesn’t happen all at once. It often takes a long time to transform behavior. Patience is a big part of the communication game.
Some of the boundaries you set are physical: deciding who is allowed to touch you and how, where you want to be touched and where you don’t, what to put in your body (such as alcohol), how your body looks (such as whether to shave your legs or paint your nails), and what happens to your body (such as whether to start hormone therapy).
Other boundaries are emotional: deciding with whom you feel comfortable being vulnerable, with whom to share your identity and sexual history, with whom to say “I love you” or not, and when you can support someone emotionally and when you’re maxed out.
Other boundaries are social: deciding with whom you’ll spend time and how much, what you’re interested in (such as whether to go to church, join the honor society, or study art), and what types of clothes to wear.
In dating, always respect your boundaries. If you want to do something, give enthusiastic consent. If you don’t, say a firm no. The same is true in respecting other people’s boundaries. Listen for enthusiastic consent. If someone seems uncertain, uncomfortable, or pressured in any way into going along with your desires, they’re not enthusiastically consenting. If someone says “Umm . . .” or stays silent when you suggest something, that’s not enthusiastic consent—that’s a no. Take time, go slowly, and make space for anyone you’re dating or interested in to express their feelings. If they say no to something you want to do, respect where they’re coming from and don’t push them to change their mind. People’s boundaries change with time. But let them—not you—be the one to decide what changes and when.
How to Say No
Having boundaries doesn’t make you stubborn, mean, or selfish. Saying no is an articulate and valid way of expressing what you want. Establishing boundaries doesn’t always mean actually saying the word no. Here are some options for saying no:
“My friend is having a birthday party. Want to come?”
“Thanks for the invite! I don’t feel like going out. I’m feeling low energy, and I don’t feel like meeting a whole bunch of new people.”
“Will you go to prom with me?”
“That’s really nice of you to ask. That makes me feel good. But I don’t want to go with you. It feels too date-y, and I’m not into that.”
“Do you want a beer?”
“Oh, no thanks, I’m going to stick to water tonight.”
“Why are you spending your time with your friends instead of me? I’m your girlfriend, and you should always want to hang out just with me!”
“I really love spending time with you. It’s important for me to have my own time too. My friends are a big part of who I am, and I want to spend time with them too.”
“Do you see us ever becoming more than friends?”
“I think you’re great. But I’m not attracted to you, so I don’t want to date you.”
“Honey, you would look so much prettier in a dress.”
“Mom, I feel that I look good this way. Wearing pants makes me feel more comfortable and confident. This is what I’m going to wear.”
“You don’t want to have sex with me because you don’t love me.”
“That’s not true. I love you, but I feel differently about sex than you do. I’m not ready to have sex. I want to move more slowly.”
Feel the Feelings
Talking about positive feelings can be tough too. Sometimes it feels as if it would be easier to walk off a cliff than confess to a crush. Dating requires being brave, honest, and direct. That’s not only because you’ll get the feeling off your chest but also because discussing intimate things is necessary for respecting consent.
It’s normal to have crushes on more than one person at a time. It’s also normal to have a crush on only one person—or on no one at all. Attraction varies. Some people are attracted to lots of other people. Some are attracted to very few.
So, if you like someone, what do you do?
The best way to start is to ask them questions about themselves and their interests. Listen to what they say. If you’re interested in some of the same things they are, get involved in the same groups at school so you can get to know each other better while also working on something you both care about. Make it clear how much they mean to you by supporting them. If they invite you to their play, soccer game, or charity fund-raiser, show up and cheer them on. Tell them they did a great job.
If there’s a moment that feels appropriate, take the plunge and tell them (in words!) how you feel. This can be terrifying and awkward. But remember: Everyone is terrified and awkward.
Terrible Flirting Advice
A lot of bad flirting advice comes from pickup artists—guys online who make money by telling men how to flirt with women. Much of their advice is actually pretty malicious. They teach men how to engage in manipulation, deception, and hurtful behavior. They view women as prizes to be won rather than real humans who have their own desires and can make their own decisions. One common piece of pickup-artist advice is to engage in negging: insulting a woman so that her self-esteem is lowered and she feels more vulnerable. Another pickup-artist tactic is to touch women lightly on their shoulders or legs and see how they respond. These tricks might work to get someone to pay attention to you in the short term, but very quickly, they’ll think you’re a jerk.
Here are some ways to tell someone you like them, along with kind responses you can share if someone tells you they like you but you don’t feel the same way about them:
“I know you like Star Wars. Do you want to go see the new movie with me?”
You might say,
“Sure, I’d love to. Is it just you and me or should we bring friends?”
“That sounds great, but I have to ask, is it a date? I like you, but I don’t really feel like dating anyone right now.”
“That’s really nice, thanks for thinking of me. But I actually already made plans to see it and I don’t want to ditch them.”
“Hey, I know this is awkward, but I wanted to tell you that I really like you.”
You might say,
“Wow, that’s awesome. I like you too.”
“You do? That’s really nice. I don’t know whether I’m attracted to you or not. I’m still figuring out my feelings.”
“Thanks for being honest. I like you as a friend, but I’m not attracted to you.”
“It’s been a really good night. Can I kiss you?”
You might say,
“I’d like that.”
“Not tonight, that’s moving too fast for me. Maybe I can take you up on that later?”
“That’s sweet, but I don’t want to. I just don’t feel as if it’s a good idea for me.”
When Should You Not Talk to Someone?
Vulnerability is a strength. The more you can open up to trusted people around you, the deeper and more real your relationships
will be. But you also get to decide what not to tell people.
Would you tell the cashier at the grocery store that you just had sex? How about your best friend? How about your mom? We all draw our own communication boundaries. When deciding what to share and with whom, think about these things:
Safety. Would this person react in a way that could physically harm you?
Respect. Do they respect you enough to listen to what you’re saying and to believe you?
Relationship. Are they the right person in your life to discuss this with? Some conversations you may only want to have with a parent, therapist, or medical professional. Other conversations you may want to have with a long-term partner or best friend.
Support. In what ways will the person be able to support you? What support can you seek out if they can’t or won’t help you or if they don’t agree with your choices?
Communication. When, where, and how is the best way to talk about this issue?
If you feel your safety might be in jeopardy, you don’t have to have a conversation at all. For example, if you’re worried a partner will become violent when you try to break up with them, that’s a conversation you should not have face-to-face. Go to a place that feels safe, surround yourself with people you trust, and text or email what you need to say to your partner. Don’t go it alone. Tell friends and family who can support you that you’re breaking things off with your partner and you’re worried they’ll be violent. It’s easier to stay safe if you have a support network around you.
