by Jason Kasper
“If I found killing people to be traumatic, I wouldn’t be here right now trying to do it again .”
“I’m not talking about combat, David. I’m talking about peace .”
I blinked hard and saw the psychologist’s bulging, ice-blue eyes upon me .
“Doc,” I said, smiling, “I appreciate the concern, but I answered your tests honestly. I don’t hear voices, I like flowers, and no one ever molested me growing up. I’m ready to get back in the fight .”
His shaky hand returned the eyeglasses to his face. He blinked once and looked at me wearily, his stare unbroken. “What do you remember from being dead ?”
I hesitated. “What do you mean? There was nothing .”
“No light? No emotion ?”
“No, I just felt all my resistance ending .”
“What else ?”
“It was blackness, nothing. The next thing I remember was being revived on the harbor .”
“Hmm.”
I paused again, strangely bothered by the question. “Why, what do other people say ?”
He made a note and flipped his folder shut before sighing with resignation. “I hear everything you can imagine. Lights, tunnels, conversations with dead grandparents, crossing rivers to the far shore…I think, at the end, everyone just sees whatever they believed in .”
“But I didn’t see anything .”
“And that tells me everything I need to know. I think you’ll go far in this business, if they let you in .”
He turned to leave .
“Wait, what happens next ?”
“The medical staff will take you to a hotel. You’ll stay there for a couple days while they monitor you for complications from your exposure. Pneumonia, infection, that sort of thing. Once they clear you, you’re free to go home .”
“Until when ?”
“That’s not up to me. I’ll submit my report, and the rest is their business. If you’re selected for an interview, someone will call you. And if you stay in this line of work—alive—then one day I’ll see you again .”
“I can’t wait .”
He hesitated. “I’ve been doing this for a long time, David. You’re carrying baggage you can’t put down right now, but that doesn’t mean you won’t be able to unburden yourself one day. So let me offer you a piece of advice .”
“I’m listening, Doc .”
“A few hours ago, you were dead. Very few people get to change the date on their gravestone once it’s been etched. You’re here for a reason, son. And you need to remind yourself of that reason every day of your life .”
“I’m not sure if you’re telling me that this line of work is actually a higher calling, that it’s going to do some real good in the world, or if you’re telling me to seize this opportunity as a newfound lease on life and get the fuck out while I still can .”
“I’m telling you,” he replied coldly, “that it doesn’t matter which you choose. Because if you don’t pick one and hold on to it, it’s going to prove fatal very quickly .”
“Why? Who’s going to kill me if I don’t choose either ?”
He raised the stack of test papers in his hand, then lowered one corner toward me as if pointing a gun .
“You are, David .”
At this, he turned and shuffled away to the other side of the shipping container. Heaving a sigh, he strained to pull open the door as a frigid wind blew past. He tucked his face into his parka and stepped into the morning light, the door slamming shut behind him as he left me alone amid the feast .
REDEMPTION
Fortitudine vincimus
-By endurance we conquer
4
December 17, 2008
Undisclosed Location
Six-hour drive from San Antonio International Airport
I stared at my face in the mirror .
In stark contrast to the state Ian had found me in less than two months earlier, I now looked almost a paragon of credibility. My unflinching deep green eyes were no longer set above the dark semicircles of sleep debt, my pallor was no longer flushed with alcohol and littered with stubble .
The inner truth was much different .
I hadn’t yet been assigned my first job in the organization, but the price of admission to date had required me to be beaten, burned, and stuffed first into a trunk and then a steel drum. I had nearly frozen to death before being drowned instead .
My body, already a scarred canvas, was further reflecting the realities of my mind .
I had just received another phone call, followed by a ticket for a red-eye flight to San Antonio, where a driver had been waiting to take me many hours into the desert to an unnamed location I wasn’t allowed to ask about. My journey was once more a gravel road leading to nowhere. And yet, just as the shrink had suspected, my face showed perfect professionalism, a veneer of normalcy I could project on demand provided I was sober in the first place .
The mirror stretched from corner to corner in a room long enough to host a full police lineup, the sidewalls each marred by a single door—one to my left leading in, and the other opening to parts unknown .
Everything else was painted a shade of gray that glowed almost white from the long rows of fluorescent lights between the ceiling speakers. In the center of this space, I stood alone for seemingly endless minutes as I waited to be addressed by someone behind the mirror .
Undaunted by the trials I had undergone in New Jersey, my will for revenge held strong .
Karma represented the only savior I recognized, the one salvation I willingly embraced. I had killed her through sheer complacency, through my inability to envision the circumstances of her end, through a list of inadequacies that I didn’t want to consider any more than I already had on the sleepless, bourbon-drenched nights of my exile in the Dominican Republic .
I loved her, and the team was the only family I had. Any risk to myself in the process of avenging them was inconsequential by comparison .
My mind quickly corrected itself: I was no longer avenging the team as a whole but whichever two members had been killed by the third .
As this thought occurred to me, the presence behind the mirror spoke at last .
The voice emerged suddenly from the speakers over my head, the words distorted and synthesized into an unrecognizable baritone .
“Let’s dispense with the usual formalities. You clearly demonstrated a willingness to die rather than concede failure during your admissions test, so you’ve earned a chance in the interview room .”
I gave a deferential nod. “Thank you, sir. I don’t take the opportunity lightly .”
“But then I read your psychological evaluation results, and they make me wonder if I should have Sergio executed for recommending you. And trust me, I’m not prone to exaggeration .”
“Neither am I. Feel free to elaborate on what you found unsatisfactory .”
“First I need to clarify some points on your personal background. You were abandoned at birth and raised by a father whose past—do you know who he really was, David ?”
I tilted my head to the side, feeling my neck pop. “Yes. I know .”
“Then we can skip ahead to your failed engagement to Sarah Somersby. Together for eight years, only to part ways nine months before the wedding .”
“I remember. I was there .”
“The timing suggests she wasn’t ready to settle down after all .”
“Apparently my best friend’s dick had that effect on her .”
“A betrayal, then .”
“Good guess .”
“I’ll bet betrayal has been on your mind a lot lately, hasn’t it, David ?”
A lump formed in my throat. Was the survivor behind the mirror ?
Before I could consider this possibility further, the voice continued, “Two deployments and then you were off to West Point, from which you emerged single and jobless to spend—am I reading this correctly?—two months hiking in the Smoky Mountains ?”
“Somethi
ng like that .”
“That’s a long time to spend wandering in the woods .”
“Then you fuckers should have called sooner .”
A pause. “Now on to the high points of your psychological evaluation. Let’s start with the diagnosis of pronounced posttraumatic stress .”
I spoke through my teeth. “Why bother ?”
“Don’t dismiss a clinical diagnosis that came about as a result of your symptoms .”
“PTSD is a bullshit medical term coined by people who wouldn’t be able to function in a gunfight. The way I am keeps me alive in combat, so the problem isn’t with my symptoms, it’s with my setting .”
“What is it about war that you are finding particularly stressful in the aftermath ?”
“The only stressful thing about war is the aftermath,” I said, feeling my face growing hot. “Put me back in combat and you’ll see the most functional human being you’ve ever met .”
“Your evaluation indicated a propensity to interpret instructions. This isn’t the line of work for someone who second-guesses orders .”
This statement made my brain scramble .
Hadn’t Boss said those same words when we were seated around the oak dining table in the team house after I had killed Saamir? I was certain he had, though, in that instant, in that room, I couldn’t decide if it was a coincidence, if I had misheard the voice, or if I was losing my mind .
I merely said, “I follow the orders I’m given, without exception. Maybe the shrink thought otherwise because he’s turning 120 next week .”
“He also said you have an aversion to routine and predictable environments .”
“I’m guessing that’s preferable to an aversion to stress and uncertainty in this line of work you speak of. And probably a lot less common .”
“Perhaps, but if the list in front of me reflects what the psychologist diagnosed despite your best attempts at concealment, I’m left to wonder what secrets you are hiding from us .”
I threw my hands up. “Did I miss something? Are you guys looking to hire a kindergarten teacher? If you want a fighter, then I’m your guy, plain and simple. If you want to sit here and talk about feelings through a mirror, then get the shrink to shuffle in here with his catheter bag, because he’s a better candidate than I am .”
“Then you would have me believe he was wrong about you suffering from depression ?”
Weighing my words carefully, I replied, “I don’t suffer from it. I’d say we coexist. And I don’t see why that matters for the current employment opportunity .”
“It matters because we’re not running a depression rehab center .”
Now I was certain I hadn’t misheard. Matz had uttered those exact words when trying to convince Boss and Ophie not to accept me onto the team .
I opened my mouth to respond, but no sound escaped. Instead, a chill of goose bumps swept up my spine onto my neck, and the face in the mirror became flushed, nostrils widening with quickened breaths .
I swallowed, trying to slow my breathing and return my expression to normalcy .
“Anytime you’re ready to provide a response, Suicide .”
No one but Matz had ever called me Suicide. Not before, not since. I knew in that instant that he stood behind the mirror .
I said, “I’ve never had thoughts of suicide while in combat, so it won’t affect my suitability for employment by an organization that kills people on a regular basis .”
“We are bringing in one person for the current assignment, and one person only. No one who has ever done this job has felt prepared for it, but everyone else I’ve spoken to has a lot more experience than you .”
Now I was hearing Ophie, his words quoted verbatim from the meeting after I killed Saamir .
I replied, “Experience and potential are two very different things. And if you can find someone with more potential than me, then I’d like to meet him .”
The voice continued, “Regardless, your military experience is insubstantial given what we do. You just don’t have the background we’re looking for, and given your medical condition, you never will .”
That line was Boss’s, no doubt—but he couldn’t have been alive. Out of all three men, Boss was the one whose innocence had remained absolute in my mind .
I sighed and tilted my head upward. If one of my three teammates was behind the mirror repeating statements that only we would know, then I may as well return the favor .
Swallowing dryly, I said, “You’ll find lots of ex-military guys who have flirted with death, but I’m the only one who has married her. And I think you know that already .”
“Do I ?”
“And you know more about me than that. What you choose to do with that information is up to you .”
After a long pause, the synthesized voice spoke once more. “David, I think you and I should meet face-to-face .”
“I couldn’t agree more .”
Silence ensued, the void filled by an unsettling thought that suddenly emerged onto the landscape of my consciousness .
What if all three of my teammates were alive ?
It was just as feasible as a single survivor, given the Midnight call that Ian and I both heard in the fleeting seconds before Karma was shot. What if the whole attack on the ambush team’s vehicle was fabricated to —
The door handle to my right began to rotate .
I turned toward the noise, never before feeling so vulnerable at the lack of a weapon at hand. But when the door swung open, I felt I wouldn’t be able to move if doing so meant saving my life. As we locked eyes, I felt my breath become trapped in my throat, unable to pass in or out .
I wasn’t prepared for my interrogator to be someone I’d never seen before .
He was black, with the hulking stature of an amateur bodybuilder. His head was clean-shaven, though his face bore a few days of beard growth. He had hazel eyes, a contrastingly delicate nose, and an easy smile that was spread broadly .
“David,” he said, “congratulations. I’ll be your partner for the next job. My name is Jais .”
* * *
As I followed Jais down a whitewashed hallway leading away from the interview room, I couldn’t reconcile the reality of my situation with the certainty I had felt while standing before the mirror. I half-expected Boss or Matz or Ophie to emerge at any moment, and possibly all three at once. In the absence of that, I thought Jais would surely confront me with his knowledge that I was there to kill the Handler, that I was, in fact, a would-be assassin carefully planted by Ian with the complicity of the Indian .
Instead, Jais asked, “Did you get lunch yet ?”
“No.”
“Me neither. We’ll grab something to eat right after I give you a brief overview of our op. You’ve probably got some questions .”
I picked up my pace to remain alongside him. “Where we are right now seems like a good place to start .”
“You flew into San Antonio, right ?”
“Before sunrise. Where they took me from there, I have no idea .”
“We call this the Complex. I’ll show you around outside after lunch, but this is ground zero for all operations conducted by the Outfit. Everything we need is right here: an airstrip, a bunch of outdoor ranges, and building mock-ups for rehearsals .”
We came to a stop before a closed door, and he turned to face me. “No one gets past here until they get selected for their first job. Some guys go through three or four interviews before that happens .”
He took a card from his pocket and swiped it against a gray panel mounted on the wall. The door responded with a hollow click, and he pushed it open before we passed into another hall with a row of doors. Everything looked identical to the last hallway, and every inch of wall space was completely barren .
I said, “Same interior decorator as the rest of the building ?”
He kept walking. I followed, the door slamming shut behind us. Jais continued, “Each of these doors goes to a planning bay. You’ll b
e assigned to one of the bays for each job, and no one is allowed in except the people on that particular mission. Once the job is done, the room is sterilized of planning materials and opened for whoever needs it next. There are eight planning bays along this hallway, and we’ll be working out of Bay Six .”
We came to a stop before a door marked by a plain black number six, and he swiped his badge against another gray panel on the wall. The door clicked, and he opened it to let me in .
When I stepped inside, the lights blinked on automatically .
Jais closed the door behind us. “This is home for the next week .”
The room was utilitarian in every sense of the word, with brightly lit white walls reminiscent of a hospital. The centerpiece was a U-shaped semicircle of foldout tables topped with closed laptop computers, their power and connectivity cords ending in an accumulation of bundled cables running to a cabinet in the corner. Rolling office chairs ringed the table assembly, which faced a series of sliding chalkboards with dusty surfaces that had been wiped blank .
A table in the corner supported a coffeemaker and a pyramid arrangement of inverted coffee mugs. Beside them, a bookshelf punctuated the wall between two open doorways .
He said, “Latrine and showers are to the left, sleeping area is through the door on the right .”
“Guess I won’t be getting lost .”
“If you do, I’m going to be sorely disappointed. Have a seat .”
I picked a chair at the center of the U, rolling it back and sitting as Jais rounded the tables to stand in front of the chalkboard. Despite his staggering frame, he moved with a lightness and ease that gave the impression of superior athleticism .
As he faced me, the definition of his deltoids created an imposing silhouette against the closed chalkboards. “Our mission,” he said, “is to recover a case and return it safely to this facility. We aren’t to open the case or attempt to check the contents in any way, only to take possession of what we’re given. It is smaller than a briefcase and able to be carried by hand, and I don’t know what’s inside it so don’t bother asking .”
