by Jessa York
When it was my turn to climb into the cylindrical tube of doom, I took a big breath, pulled up my big girl panties, and bent down. “Hurry up, lady,” a rude little boy said and muscled me forward. Sheesh.
Once inside, I chuckled at my hesitation. This wasn’t so bad. The tunnel was more than large enough to fit through comfortably, and every so often, there was netting to crawl through so I could peek around and keep track of Ava.
About a minute into my adventure, the walls of the tunnel started to close in around me, and I lost my breath completely. The boy who pushed me yelled at me from behind, “Move over,” before he practically mowed me over.
With no breath left in me, I was unable to say a word. The tightness in my chest wasn’t leaving, and now my head was pounding and spinning and I was ten seconds away from losing the microwave bean burrito I had for breakfast. Boy, did I regret buying that box of quickie breakfast food now. Jack scolded me for buying “processed junk,” but my free time in the morning was dwindling. Hell, free time at all was practically nonexistent. My stomach started gurgling and roiling to add to the misgivings I was already having. It had been weeks since I’d eaten a boxed meal, and now I was fully regretting it.
With nobody to save me, I pushed ahead, gasping for air and praying my stomach would stop acting up. I needed to get out of here. Now. Screw the bunny. I’d take Ava to a toy store.
When I entered the exit slide, I almost breathed a sigh of relief. A few more seconds and I’d be home free. But when I tried to glide down, I didn’t move. The angle of the plastic wasn’t conducive for anyone of my height and weight to actually go down, so I just stuck there. The children behind me had no sympathy, and they just kept zooming down and crashing into the child in front of them until we were a linked-up traffic jam of bodies.
Try as I might to get down quickly, it just wasn’t working. I snaked and wiggled my body to acquire any kind of traction at all. And, boy, were the kids angry. If I thought it was loud before, having ten ticked off kids and toddlers behind me shouting was no picnic.
Eventually, I made it down—with less hair and more bruises. The ball pit I landed in smelled like…I decided it best not to think about what exactly the specific aromas were. Grateful to be out of that hellhole, I sat there for a minute or two, enjoying how my lungs worked. Air in…air out. Repeat.
Hindsight being twenty-twenty, I should have exited immediately. Or at least prior to an ear splitting, “Bombs away,” from a little juvenile delinquent in training. Followed by a loud, “Ooofff,” on my account. He’d jumped off the netting from quite a height and landed directly on my gut. Ouch.
Before I could ask him if he was all right, he was up and laughing, spraying balls all over me until I was nearly buried. So this is what hell is like.
I got up, dragging my ass and what was left of my dignity with me out the exit. Ava, my little angel, was sitting quietly with her hands on her lap. Her eyes looked around with hopeful expectancy. Once again, my intestines protested, and I gave up the hope of containing the bean burrito until we got home.
Reluctantly, I told Ava that Bunny was nowhere to be found. The piercing wail that came out of her mouth was otherworldly. Heaven help me, what exactly was I supposed to do now? If I didn’t find a bathroom pronto, she wasn’t the only one in here who was going to be screaming.
“Auntie Harper, why’s Ava sad?” Nicki said as he stumbled over to us, Levi in tow.
“She can’t find Bunny. Look, do you see your mom anywhere? I have to get to the bathroom, and I don’t want to leave you guys alone with Ava.”
“Mom said she was goin’ to check out Sarah’s new car, but she’d be back in a jiffy,” Levi said, as he lifted up his shirt to wipe the sweat off his forehead. Shit.
“Okay, looks like you’re all coming to the potty with me,” I said and picked up a still screeching Ava. The boys paraded behind. Ava plastered her hot, sticky little body to mine, putting more pressure on my stomach than I needed at that exact moment, which quickly raised my situation to urgent level status.
I thanked my stars that the bathroom was empty when the three of us ran in. Ava was still screaming at a hell of a volume, but the boys were being watchful and cautious. “Guys, I need to go to the bathroom really bad. Can you stay right outside the stall door until I’m done?”
The twins were fine with this. Certainly, I had my doubts about whether they would stay in one spot for that long. But Ava had permanently attached herself to me. There was no way the child was going to let me go. We were going to have a code brown here shortly, so I did what I had to do and took her in the stall with me. Once inside, I maneuvered around and sat down, still with a three year old attached.
That’s when the violent cramps took over. Yeah. After the second explosion, Ava pushed away from me and scowled. “Yuck,” she said and flailed off my lap like it was on fire—it kinda was. Then she dropped down to the floor and crawled under the door on the disgusting tile floor.
It looked like it hadn’t been mopped in a decade. The only good thing to come out of my untimely demise was that Ava was so revolted by my attack of gastritis, the poor child stopped her shrill screaming. Thank you, Jesus.
This must be how people with botulism or malaria felt. My insides were in a war for who could exit first, and to me at least, they all won. The pain was all-consuming, and I could barely breathe at times. It was no secret as to what was going on in here. Courtesy flushes only went so far.
“Are you dying in there?” Levi said before he lay down on the awful floor to peek in.
“I’m fine, just a little stomachache.” While certain noises said otherwise, I forced a grin as best as I could. I figured it was better then telling him I had a massive attack of the shits.
“It smells horrible. What did ya eat?” Nicki asked, joining his brother on the floor. Someone save me, please. Four brown eyes stared up at me in question.
“I bet she had beans. Dad always smells like that after he eats a can of sweet brown beans,” Levi answered for me as I stealthily slid my hand back to flush again.
“You shouldn’t flush while you’re on the potty. Mommy says it could suck your butt into the sour system,” Nicki added.
“Sewer system, dumby,” Levi said with a kick to his brother’s back. Ava decided to get in on the action, and soon she, too, was lying in wait. Six sweet, expectant eyes looked up at me from the filthy floor, while I continued with my cacophony of noises. Just when I thought it was starting to subside, another burst would come from God knows where and send me into a painful fit all over again.
I prayed to the burrito gods and told them I would never touch another bean burrito as long as I lived. Or at least only when I was going to be home alone for the next twelve to eighteen hours.
When I was nearing the end of my attack, I reached for the toilet paper dispenser, only to find no paper. A shock of panic swept through me at the thought of being devoid of all paper products. “Guys, there’s no toilet paper in here. Can you please look in the stalls next to me and pass me some?”
They all scrambled off the floor and slammed their way around in search of the Holy Grail. “There’s none over here,” Levi said.
“Over here, neither. Not even paper towel things,” Nicki countered. Oh noooo.
“I gots some,” Ava sang, and my shoulders sagged in relief. Unfortunately, the relief was short-lived when her pudgy hand poked under the door with a few scraggly bits of ripped up paper. What in the hell was I supposed to do? There wasn’t so much as a Kleenex in my purse. I knew that for sure.
Trying to calm myself down, I pulled the phone out of my pocket and texted Audrey a 911 emergency call for help.
Me: HELP! Stuck in the bathroom with the kids. No toilet paper. HELP!
Audrey: What the heck? LOLOLOLOL! Be right there.
Me: THANK YOU.
I told the kids that she was coming to save the day, and we just needed to wait it out. The boys commenced racing in the bathroom. Ava insist
ed on being a part of whatever they were doing, even when the races turned into an obstacle course, which consisted of crawling under the bathroom doors and by my feet, then hopping to the finish line.
The baths these kids were going to need once we got home.
A few minutes later, Audrey arrived, laughing her ever-loving guts out. “Whooooeeeee, it smells ripe in here!” she yelled for all to hear.
“Auntie Harper ate beans,” Levi explained.
“Then her butt exploded,” Ava said. The little traitor. Audrey hooted again at my expense.
“Did you bring some paper for me?” I asked as I tried to restrain my temper. Honestly, my patience was worn down to a thread.
“I’ve got some tissues in here,” she said and passed me a few under the door.
“Honey, that’s not gonna do it,” I said, because that wasn’t going to even come close to what I was going to need.
“Oh boy, I’ll have to go up front. Give me a… Oh, hi, Sarah,” she said, changing her tone completely. “Say, do you have any wipes in there? My friend is stuck. There’s no toilet paper left.”
“Yeah, for sure. One sec.” I heard something plunk down on the counter and a couple of zippers open. “Here you go.”
“Um, she’s gonna need a lot more than that from the smell of things.” Audrey chuckled, and they both burst into gales of hilarity. “Thanks, sweetie. I’ll buy you a coffee the next time we go out.”
Audrey passed me a huge stack of diaper wipes. I groaned and thanked my faceless hero to whom I would be forever in debt.
19
Harper
By the time we got home, I was ready to get my tubes tied. Double tied for good measure. My mom had horror stories about her friends’ operations not taking the first time around. At this moment in time, it wasn’t worth the risk.
Not that I likely had to worry anyway because I was pretty sure my ovaries shriveled up all on their own accord—somewhere around minute two of being in that horrible play place. At any rate, I had texted Jack an emergency 911 regarding the missing bunny and the ensuing temper tantrum from hell.
He said not to worry and that he’d meet us at his place. I didn’t have the energy to ask why we were going to meet there instead of my humble abode. All I wanted to do was be any-freaking-where other than the tunnel of horrors.
When we walked in, Ava ran straight to her dad, her tantrum upped a notch for his sake. And what do you think he had in his hand? Another fucking stuffed bunny. Just like the old fucking bunny, but cleaner. What the hell?
“Here, Daddy has a new Bunny for you.” He smiled and handed her the un-matted, non-dingy bunny. Son-of-a-bitch, he was good.
Or so I thought, until she threw it down and screamed, “That’s not Bunny.” She pushed out of his arms and dashed away to her room. The little turkey was smarter than I thought.
I chucked my purse on the couch and moseyed up to him. “Maybe I’ll go drag it behind my car for an hour, then she won’t be able to tell the difference.” He laughed, his whole body shaking. Damn, I loved it when he did that. The normally serious look he carried disappeared and his dimples showed. It made him look ten years younger and even more delicious.
“Ah ha,” he said, pulling me into his arms. “Now you’re starting to get it. We do our best. But never let them see you sweat. They are tiny insurgents in disguise. Do not negotiate with them,” he said and kissed my nose.
“She’s so cute most of the time, it’s hard not to give her the world,” I said and laid my weary head on his chest.
“I remember when you were her age and threw a fit at that indoor playground on Eighth Avenue. Carried you out of there screaming. You yelled, too.” Elaine chuckled. “Had a mind of your own even then.”
With all the commotion, I hadn’t realized she was in the kitchen. “This is really all your doing? Faulty DNA?” I said and smirked at him. He laughed again and kissed me lightly on the lips.
Right then, my phone went off. I sighed and pulled it out of my pocket. “You at your place or Jack’s?” Audrey asked, the background noise a giveaway that she was on her car’s Bluetooth.
“Jack’s.”
“Be there in two minutes,” she replied and promptly hung up. Weird.
“I guess Audrey is coming over,” I said, frowning. This was odd.
True to her word, a few minutes later she strutted into Jack’s living room, carrying an even dirtier Bunny. Yay, but ick.
“Oh thank God, where was he?” I asked, gratefully hesitant. My hand initially reached out to take the long-lost cottontail but changed my mind out of sheer self-preservation.
“Honey, you don’t wanna know,” she said and bobbed her head. “It’ll give ya nightmares for years. All you guys need to know is that he’s back and a little wet.” She scrunched her nose up and held him in the air with two fingers.
“Thanks, Audrey. We really appreciate you bringing it all the way over here,” Jack said, relieving her of Bunny babysitting duty.
“No problem. I dropped off my two troublemakers at home first for their father to deal with. Told him they both needed baths after spending the afternoon crawling on the bathroom floor.” Ugh. She outed me in less than a minute. Some friend. Jack cocked his head like he wasn’t sure he heard quite right. “Golly, those kids smelled funky.”
He looked at me, waiting for an explanation. “Oh, and I grabbed you an extra roll of toilet paper on the way out. You should keep one in your purse from now on.” She cackled, unable to hold in her mirth.
Of course, Audrey felt compelled to share her version of the events with Jack and his mom, all of them erupting with laughter at the right parts. After her show-and-tell, she quickly left with promises of a better playdate next time.
Jack had actual real tears running down his face from laughing so hard, and every so often Elaine would bubble up with giggles for no apparent reason. Sigh.
“I’m sorry, but that was hilarious.” He wiped his eyes, still chuckling even now that Audrey was gone.
“Uh-huh. I’ll think of a way for you to pay me back.” I glared at him.
“You do that, but first I’m going to spray the shit out of this animal and toss him in the washer. Then I’m going to throw Ava in the tub,” he said and screwed his face up while looking at the mystery stains on the bunny’s fur.
I ignored him and trudged toward the freezer compartment of the fridge and dragged out the breakfast burritos I’d hidden in there. God, I’d felt so smart, sneaking them into Jack’s healthy fridge. Never again. Unknowingly, my man had changed my eating habits for the better, and my poor stomach was never going to accept frozen breakfast foods of ambiguous origins again.
Silently, I said goodbye to them and dropped the colorful box into the trash. What a shame.
Jack and his mom howled with laughter.
On Monday, true to his word, John brought a photo album and some home videos he’d downloaded to his laptop.
At first, I had agreed to just the one lunch. Then he mentioned home videos, and try as I might, the allure of seeing a much younger Jack on screen was far too tempting. My weak self gave in.
Was this possibly the dumbest thing I’d ever done? Yes. Was I putting my relationship with Jack on the line? Definitely. Could I put my foot down and put a stop to these lunches with the enemy? Absolutely. Was I going to stop? Nope.
Every day before John showed up, I would build myself up and have a speech all prepared. I was glad he was turning his life around, and I hoped he and Elaine would work things out, but I just couldn’t in good faith continue our lunches.
And every day, John would show up, lunch in hand for both of us, a bag full of pictures, and his laptop. And every day, I would learn more about their family and what kind of father John used to be.
Eventually, his charm wore me down, and the remorse he exuded from every fiber of his being began to gnaw away at my resolve. This man loved his family. Yes, he screwed things up majorly, but it was more than clear how much he r
egretted his actions.
At first, I had tried to hide my delight with what he brought, but I quickly gave up the ghost and full-out smiled at him. His eyes scanned my face and, in turn, he grinned until those trademark dimples showed up.
His face took on an animated effect as he pointed to the pictures and home movies while he recalled trips and birthdays. Some pictures were just of normal everyday occurrences, and it was interesting that he got choked up over those. Elaine asleep with a baby cuddled into her side, John holding a newborn Jack in his arms, looking every bit the proud papa, Iris and Blake side-by-side with a red-faced Jack plunked on their laps—those were the pictures that affected him the most.
I wasn’t immune to the emotions all of this brought up. More than a few times I grabbed tissues and passed one over to him. It never ceased to amaze me when I saw this big, important lawyer trying to hide the occasional tear that fell. My heart grew each and every time I witnessed him being reduced to a normal human being with feelings and fears.
God knows, when I first met John, I didn’t think any of this was possible. He acted like a complete ass, and I wanted nothing to do with him. In fact, I would have done everything in my power to keep him away from the man I loved.
But now, as the days passed, and John began opening up to me, I started to hope for a reconciliation of some kind between the family. He clearly missed his wife and children and regretted his actions. But what could you do when you had mistreated your entire family for years and they all hated your guts?
That was the question he asked me today. As I gazed into his eyes, the same eyes his son had, I aimed for wisdom and clarity in what I said to him. Knowing full well I risked my relationship with Jack in the meantime, I did it anyway. I couldn’t sit back while John suffered. “Your first and most important relationship is with your wife. If I were you, I’d start there. Your kids have made it clear they aren’t going to change their minds. You need to make things right with Elaine,” I told him.
