by Heloise Hull
And yet...
Now, I had hope. I’d seen the look on Thoth’s face. He wasn’t expecting me, as Ava Falcetti, to regain my magic. Not on my terms, at least. He enjoyed giving and bestowing it at his will, and I had taken that from him the moment I touched him under the basilica. I had done it for myself and it frightened him. He covered it up with bluster and illusions and taunts, but he didn’t like how I’d hurt him in the jungle, and it terrified him that I’d found out so much on my own. I had felt it in the vision. He wanted to show me dying at his mercy. I’d felt a tug in my belly as he tried to pull the memories away, but I’d resisted. I’d made him finish the dream. Clearly, whatever was in that bottle held the answer to my forgetfulness.
He may have succeeded in wiping my memory again and again, but whatever I had done to him in the jungle had thrown him back into stasis. I had caused Thoth to remain asleep and leave Gladys Presley and Ava Falcetti alone. This, of course, allowed me as Ava to find magic on my own terms. Without him.
I ignored the fact that Gladys still hadn’t escaped the curse and the ending to Ava’s story wasn’t written, because for the first time in all of my reincarnations, I held the pen.
As soon as I got back to the villa, my mind turned to the Emerald Tablets. They were Thoth’s. They held his greatest secrets.
“Piero?” I whispered. “I need your help.”
My Renaissance Romancer shimmered into view seconds later, his feathered doublet shaking in delight.
“Ava! I have been waiting for your call. Mi manchi, bellissima! Con quell vestito sei uno spettacolo!” Piero paused and took me in. “Perhaps not that dress, but you do look spectacular.”
I waved away his decadent over-talk. I think he’d called me the equivalent of a smoke show in Italian, but I didn’t have time to dwell on it. “Piero, how did we see that Runaway Goddess vision? Are there more in the Emerald Tablets?”
Piero’s face turned down. “Why would you want to see that again? No, it is not healthy to dwell on the past, milady.”
“It’s a matter of life and death.” I winced as his mustache quivered. “Sorry, but everyone on Aradia is in danger if I don’t figure out what Thoth is hiding from me. He has it out for me, and the Tablets house his greatest secrets. If I could see his history of curses, it might help.”
“Like what?”
“Like why did he curse Tefnut as the Runaway Goddess? And, more importantly, how did she break free?”
The honey hadn’t worked. The crystal room refused to help. The Emerald Tablets of Thoth were my last hope. I needed to see myself with the god. I needed to understand every angle.
“Signora...”
“Piero, please. I don’t want to explode trying to incant. That’s why I need a guide. Someone intelligent and wise.”
“And handsome?”
“Yes, of course. That as well.”
With my flattery working overtime, Piero smoothed a hand over his feather and nodded crisply. “Sì. I can. Very well, Ava. Let us see what we can find.”
“Thank you.” I ran to uncover Nonna’s grimoire and brought him the scrolls. Piero rubbed his translucent hands together, made the sign of the cross over his chest, and bent over the elegant lines of text. We stared as they shifted and moved.
After a nervous glance, Piero repeated the words: “Tis true without lying, certain and most true. That which is below is like that which is above.”
With the familiar pneumatic pulse, I was sucked into the vision as if I was there.
My arms sparkled. Thick bands of alternating ochre and charcoal stripes decorated them from my wrists to my shoulders. Gold covered every fingertip, and my shift dress was dyed cobalt. The sound of lapping water surrounded my senses. I was on a boat.
There was a snort off the side of the reed barge, and I started at the noise. A throne. I was sitting on a throne made of solid gold and decorated with lapis lazuli. Cautiously, I gripped the lion-headed arm rests and stood to see over the edge, just as a hippo’s nose broke the surface of the water and sparkled in the sun. The entire river was perfumed with lotus blossoms dappling the surface.
I used my hands to shield my eyes and tried to make sense of the looming Egyptian temple. This was the Nile. This was Egypt. From the looks of the people pulling nets of fish along the banks in homespun kilts, it was prehistoric Egypt.
Suddenly, Thoth stood behind me, covering my entire body with his own. He smelled of cassia incense and lotus blossoms. But the sweet, musky scent was acrid coming from him. Even his voice made the hairs rise on the back of my neck.
“Aren’t you enjoying yourself?” he asked, coming to wrap his arms around me, his hands brushing my breasts. “Look at the greatness Ra has orchestrated for your safe return.”
“Leave me alone,” I spat out. I felt the space between our bodies as freedom when Thoth pulled back.
“Stop acting like a petulant child. The least you could do is smile at the supplicants.”
“Why should I? I wanted to be left alone.”
His voice was hard and unsympathetic. “Goddesses don’t have that luxury. You were chosen to be his Eye. With that comes great responsibility.”
“I certainly don’t need you to remind me of my responsibility.”
Thoth’s hand draped across my thigh. “You are full of vigor today. I imagine you could take out your frustrations in other ways.” His hand slid up, cupping my sex and demanding entrance under my dress. I slammed a hand on his fingers and whirled around. He loomed over me, a predatory smile on his face.
“I adore our little games, Tefnut, my great runaway.”
“What did you do to me with those stupid scrolls of yours?”
Thoth cocked his head. “It will be much more fun to find out naturally.”
“I demand to know the spell you’ve woven. You brought me home to Ra against my will. In chains no less. But I will not accept whatever new game you’ve established.”
Something was off. I paused, watching Thoth’s otherworldly beauty without really seeing him. Thoth watched my eyes.
I couldn’t quite place it, but I had a niggling seed of doubt within this consciousness. I was supposed to find something out, not just relive a memory.
“Give me a mirror.” At Thoth’s confused look, I barked. “A mirror! I said give me a mirror.”
Thoth snapped his fingers, producing a polished bronze mirror. The handle was of a naked woman. With deep breaths, I bent over it. And I saw my own face. It was different, but I recognized it.
Everything was confusing.
Thoth reached out to stroke my chin. “Tefnut?”
I slapped him away as I drank in this face. It was me. The most perfect version. Every imperfection wiped away to an unnatural polish. My high cheekbones were rigid lines, and even the hawkish way I watched myself through the mirror was preternatural and frightening. I had no wrinkles or darkening sunspots. Even the tiny scar over my left eyebrow was absent. I struggled to think of where I would have gotten such a blemish. All I knew was that it should be there.
“No,” I whispered.
Thoth moved to take the mirror back, but I whipped it from his grasp and slammed it on the deck of the barge.
“No!” I screamed as it shattered into incalculable pieces.
I was still screaming when Piero doused me in a ghost wind of arctic cold. “Milady?” he asked nervously, but I couldn’t focus on him. My mind was moving too fast. Suddenly, I understood why the crystal room at the Library of Alexandria only worked for me. Or why I had heard the archon in the women’s bathroom under the Arch. I wasn’t merely touched by a god. I was a god.
The air hit me again and I felt sick, my hand going to my knotted stomach. I refused to believe it. “I think—” Gagging, I went to my knees, everything coming up at once into the small trash can near my bed. A migraine began at the base of my neck and wound up my skull. My stomach coiled painfully as I heaved again, as if this would cleanse my sins.
“Milady!” Piero
fluttered.
And Mestjet. She hadn’t recognized me in those last moments as Cleopatra. She’d seen the Egyptian goddess she’d served. I went reeling across the room. How many more revelations could I take?
This was madness.
It felt unreal seeing my face look so inhumane. I didn’t want a face like that! I wanted my own face, Ava Falcetti, imperfections, bushy eyebrows, and all. My hand immediately went to my left eyebrow. I could feel the little scar from where Josh had accidentally nailed me in the face when I was attempting to help him practice his curveball. Jim was at a conference. I doubted that now, but I also couldn't think of anything I cared about less. Tefnut couldn't remember, because Josh hadn’t existed yet.
It seemed impossible. How could I be Tefnut, an ancient Egyptian goddess? I could barely get out the words. The Runaway Goddess tasted bitter on my tongue. Hell, I could barely get out of bed in the morning after a day of running!
Thoth knew. He had been toying with me the whole time. Somehow he had cursed me when I touched the tablets thousands of years ago, letting me die and be reborn again and again. But I must have outwitted him, tucking myself away in that Roman cave, even if my mind was barely above a beast. It had scared him to lose track of me, so he made sure he could always find me whenever I reincarnated. So you will embody a lupa, and I will always know where you are.
That’s what he’d said in the cave. He cursed me anew, a second one to punish me and bind me closer. I was bound to have twins who would die unfulfilled. How deep his hate must run to curse me twice. To be so angry at me for hiding in a cave that he would bind me a second time and condemn centuries of my future children.
“Milady, you look like you’ve seen a ghost,” Piero said, attempting to take my hands with his incorporeal ones.
I laughed weakly and wiped my chin with a towel. “You mean besides yourself?”
“Certo!” Piero was still staring at me as if I were the ghost.
“Did you see…”
Piero nodded. “It’s true then. You are an immortal.”
“I don’t want to be a goddess. I want to be Ava. I love this life.” I put my head in my hands, feeling even worse than when Jim left me and I thought I was starting over from scratch. Actually, that scenario had nothing on this one.
“I’ve tried everything. I don’t know how to break a curse from another god. I don’t even know if I truly broke Thessaly’s.” I smacked my head. “Duh! That’s how I used god magic. Turns out Manu was right. I can’t decide how I feel about that.”
Piero’s pencil thin mustache twitched. “Che cosa?”
I kept rambling. “But gods can be killed, in a way. That’s what the books at the Library of Alexandria said. The chaos god Set succeeded in killing Osiris.”
“Only somewhat, milady,” Piero interrupted. “He was put back together by Isis to serve as god of the Underworld.”
“So, I’m told.” I stood up quickly, upsetting Piero and flinging things out of my way. “I was the Eye of Ra. At one point, at least. A beast of chaos. It stands to reason I can do the same to Thoth. Kill him for good. He doesn’t have an Isis to put him back together.”
“Perhaps,” Piero allowed, but he looked unconvinced.
“Anyway, it’s like you said. Osiris was forced to remain in the Underworld after his death. I’d settle for that. I’ve got to dig deep and use that chaos magic on him. That would work. It has to.”
“I think you’re avoiding the real shock,” Piero began but cut off.
I cut him off. His mouth opened and closed uselessly as I wrapped him in mother magic. “What was I saying?” he asked.
“Nothing important,” I told him, ushering him to the door and pushing down the guilt. That little voice telling me this was exactly the sort of thing a ruthless goddess would do. Silence the critics.
Yes, this was a shock. Yes, I’d have to deal with it. But do you know what I had to deal with first? Thoth. He was number one. Everything else could wait.
I caught my gaze in the mirror over my bed. My eyes gleamed in a way that reminded me of when I was Tefnut. It sent shivers through my limbs, but I didn’t back down or stop staring. Instead, I finally felt as if I had some sort of agency in this situation.
It was time to take the fight to Thoth. On his own turf. I’d deal with the rest once I destroyed him.
Chapter Twenty-Six
When I thought about changing my life, jumping into a ghostly realm to kill a god wasn’t on the radar. Hell, I wouldn’t have even seen it with the Hubble telescope.
But here I was.
Deep down, I knew I was once again compartmentalizing the real shocker—Tefnut’s identity—just as I had with the divorce. So sue me. I was really good at conflict avoidance, even if it was a conflict within myself. I couldn’t think about that now. I had to focus. It barely felt real, anyway. I was Ava.
Now that I’d made my decision, I felt restless. I needed to move, to shake out the frantic energy coursing through my body. I opened my door and slammed into Aurick.
His eyes were bright and intense, and his hands strong as they threaded the hair at the base of my neck. He drew me in for a hug. “Hey, Beautiful. I was just thinking about you. I know everything seems scary right now and they think it was you, but let’s look at it objectively. Battlefields are chaotic places—what? Is something wrong?”
I’d winced at the word chaotic, and he’d sensed it.
Aurick reached out for my hands, and I let him wrap me in a hug, although my body was stiff as roadkill. “We’re going to figure this curse out, Ava. Perhaps there’s more information on curses in general at the Library. We haven’t exhausted everything.”
He felt so warm, and my heart thumped at being in his embrace. I didn’t want to ruin it with the truth. I didn’t want to, but I knew I had to.
I buried my nose one last time into his chest before sighing. “It was me. I helped Thoth.”
Aurick’s grip tightened, but he didn’t pull back. “How can you be sure?”
“I looked in the Emerald Tablets and I saw myself. My true self.”
“What are you saying, Ava? What exactly are you saying?”
“That I’m Tefnut.” I raced on as Aurick finally pulled back, his face a mask of disbelief. “I’m going to find Thoth’s consciousness and destroy him. I don’t want to be a goddess. I want to stay me.”
“Ava, I don’t think you get that choice.”
“And I think I should have a say in my own destiny for once.”
Suddenly, Aurick ducked. “What the hell?”
A tiny, flying fur-ball landed on my shoulder.
“Ow, Tiberius,” I cried, as his nails dug deeper into my skin. “Shouldn’t you be hibernating?”
“I knew it!” he squeaked, his tail twitching wildly.
“You did?”
“Well, no. But I did say you were different.”
“I assume you overheard our whole conversation?”
“Enough to know we are going to be spending a lot of time together.” His huge eyes stared deep into my soul.
“What are you doing?” I asked. “You’re a little close, and you’re kind of creeping me out.”
“I’m trying to get a better look at your soul.” Then he did something that truly creeped me out. He bowed.
“Okay. Never do that again.”
“As you command, my queen.”
“Don’t do that either.”
Tiberius wiggled his whiskers. “Fine. So, when do we leave?”
“You think you’re coming with me to fight a god?”
Of all the things I’d heard in the past 24 hours, this might have been the most ridiculous. Every time the fighting started, Tiberius made himself scarce like… well, a scared chipmunk.
“Of course. I’m a daemon. It’s my job to help the gods transverse the realms.”
“Now wait a min—”
Tiberius put a paw over Aurick’s mouth. “You can’t go through that part of Nibiru alone.”
“His consciousness is in Nibiru?” I interrupted. “How do you know?”
“That’s where the pillars lay broken. It’s the passing place, the great in-between. Of course it’s where his consciousness is,” he explained. Like I was the idiot.
Aurick brushed a paw off of his mouth and picked chipmunk fur from his lips with a pained expression. “She won’t go alone. We’ll all go.”
“I can’t ask you to do that,” I said. “This is my fault, all of it.”
Tiberius agreed. “It is, isn’t it? Besides, Nibiru is dangerous. You’ve only seen the Library. It’s quaint compared to the rest.”
“We were attacked by an empousa in the library once. Quaint is not the word I’d use.”
“The demons and ghosts that reside at the heart of Nibiru will be ten times more dangerous. It is not safe.”
“Even for me?” I asked. A goddess. Could I be harmed in Nibiru?
Tiberius put a cold nose in the spot below my neck and pulled back as goosebumps flared where his nose touched. “I’m not sure. You’re in a mortal body that reacts to stimuli, so I would think that yes; this body can die there. Your friends certainly would.”
Something dawned on me. “I need to see if Thessaly will come. She knows Nibiru better than any of us. She was born there.”
“I’m coming too,” Aurick said. “I”m already dead, so that shouldn’t matter. Give me a minute to pack a bag.” He didn’t seem to want to tear his eyes from me, though. Like he was afraid I’d disappear or return to the ether if he blinked. Then again, hardly anything would be surprising tonight.
This time, there was no kissing or witty exchanges. No half-lidded glances or suggestive lip pouts. Instead, Aurick cleaned his bone dagger while Tiberius pulled out my missing tube of mascara and applied it both to his whiskers and beneath them like streaks of war paint.
With that unsettling imagery, we hurried to the town center and beelined straight to Coronis’s apartment. I couldn’t wait to speak with Thessaly. It seems there was a lot about Nibiru I didn’t yet know, and I was going to need every advantage I could get.
