Tobyn frowned so Noelle explained. “I wrote to her about you.”
Tobyn pushed away from the sinks and crossed her arms. “I need some time to think,” she said. “And you know I’m still with Ava.”
“I know.” But secretly Noelle hoped she wouldn’t be for long. She’d told her to dump her in anger, but she’d meant it. Tobyn deserved better. “I just needed to tell you.”
Tobyn nodded, then she grinned a little. “I mean, I get it. I am pretty cute.” She pretended to brush dust off her shoulder, and fluff her fro. Noelle laughed a little, full of relief.
“One more thing though,” Tobyn said. Noelle turned to face her friend, and Tobyn’s dark eyes were bright and fierce.
“I won’t be anyone’s secret,” she said.
* * *
Noelle and Tobyn went back down to the auditorium. Once all the performances were over, they found their families in the crowded hall. Noelle ran over to her father and brother as soon as she spotted them, and Pierre handed her a blooming bouquet of wildflowers. “I still can’t believe you came,” Noelle said to her dad.
“You were outstanding, Noelle. I know we hear you play all the time at home, but I’m sad it‘s been so long since I’ve seen you on stage.”
Yéye nodded, agreeing. “We will try to come more often,” he said. “You go to college so soon.” Năinai just smiled and patted Noelle’s hand, and she knew that was her grandmother’s way of saying she was proud.
“Excuse me?”
A voice that Noelle didn’t recognize came from somewhere behind her. When Noelle turned her head toward the sound, a tall East Asian woman was smiling at her.
“Hi, Noelle. My name is Penelope Chung. I’m a scout for the Manhattan School of Music.”
Noelle turned around fully to face her, heart thumping. “Oh. Hi,” she said.
Penelope smiled. “I loved your piece. I was wondering if you’ve decided on a conservatory or where you’d like to study next year?”
* * *
After Noelle and her father had spoken to Penelope for a while, and Noelle had taken the scout’s thick, creamy business card and tucked it into the pocket of her cello case, she left her family to look for her friends. But she bumped into Travis instead.
“Hi,” she said.
“Hey,” he said.
“Look. I wasn’t ready to tell you this before, but I think I am now. I broke up with you because I liked someone else.”
“Why couldn’t you just tell me that?” Travis asked.
“Because. It’s a girl. And it’s . . . complicated.”
“Oh,” Travis said. He looked a little confused, but Noelle pushed forward.
“I loved you, though,” Noelle promised. “My feelings were real.”
“I loved you, too. So thanks for telling me the truth.”
Noelle’s father had told her not to worry, so over the next couple of weeks she tried her hardest not to. She’d gotten back on Ms. Porter’s good side by playing perfectly for weeks in a row and cut back her hours at Lee’s. She was grateful to have the time back, but she still saved her tips . . . just in case. The showcase was behind her, but after meeting the scout and speaking to her about the real possibility of attending, Noelle wanted to hold on to first chair and go to the Manhattan School of Music even more than she had before.
“Let me see that card,” Micah said.
Noelle had invited her friends over to her place to apologize to them again. She’d brought a bunch of dumplings home from the restaurant. Lux sat on Noelle’s bedroom floor, feet propped against the edge of the dresser. Micah sat in Noelle’s desk chair backward, and Tobyn lay on her stomach on Noelle’s bed, her chin propped on one hand when she wasn’t taking bites out of the bao she held in the other.
Noelle handed over Penelope Chung’s card. “Email me when you submit your application,” Penelope had told her. “I’ll do what I can to fast-track it through admissions.”
“Whoa,” Micah said, reading it. “She sounds like a big shot.”
“I know,” Noelle agreed. “She told me to apply and send in a video for the pre-screening. Then I’ll find out after a few weeks if I’m picked to audition in person.”
“They have a bunch of programs,” Lux said. She pulled up the school’s website on her phone. “There’s Classical, Orchestral, Contemporary . . . You can play all that stuff. What are you gonna apply for? You have to pick, right?”
Noelle nodded. “Yeah. I’m not sure yet.”
“Can I see that?” Tobyn asked. She reached over the edge of the bed and snatched up Lux’s phone. “What about Composition? You write songs all the time.”
Noelle looked at the card so she didn’t have to look at anyone else. She wondered if Tobyn was waiting for her to say something about “For You”; to tell the girls that she’d written it for Tobyn.
When Noelle glanced back up she said, “I don’t know if I’ve written enough to be a composition major. I don’t think I’d want to have to write. I want that to be something I do when I want to, or just for fun.”
Micah and Lux nodded. Tobyn looked at the phone and didn’t meet Noelle’s eyes.
They were all figuring out what they’d be doing after graduation. Micah showed her friends the long list of colleges she was applying to—it was on a spreadsheet complete with scholarships she needed to apply for, application costs, and deadlines. “This level of organization is so on-brand for you, Micah,” Tobyn said, laughing. And Micah poked out her tongue.
Lux was thinking about taking a year off before she went to college—if she went at all. “I want to travel,” Lux told them. “Take my camera and see everything. I’ve been looking for ways I can travel for free, like work exchanges and stuff. My dad definitely doesn’t want me to take any time off, but my moms is cool with it. I’ll be eighteen soon, so I’m gonna do whatever I want.”
Tobyn grabbed Noelle’s pillow and hugged it. She stared at the ceiling and talked about joining her sister’s band. “Devyn said I could sing with them, do gigs and stuff, tour. They’ve gotten a little better so they’re playing more and more. But I really just wanna be famous.”
Noelle let them talk. She listened and stayed quiet, thinking about how her pillow was going to smell like Tobyn’s hair; wondering if she should have said more about the song. She still wasn’t ready to tell Lux and Micah the truth about her feelings.
A little while later, while they were talking about other things, Noelle got an idea. “Micah, since your applications are due around the same time as mine, and since Lux is applying for that work exchange the same week, why don’t we do the prank then? It could be symbolic, like, a celebration of officially getting out of here.”
Micah let out a little squeal, and Lux said, “Badass,” and Tobyn grinned. “Let’s do it,” they all said. Noelle marked the calendar hanging on her wall with a big red X.
* * *
In Granna Esther’s next letter, she told Noelle not to worry about her father. He’s the grown-up, you’re the child, she’d written. It’s his job to take care of you, Little One. She told Noelle that they were weathering the storms well, though the house creaked loudly because of the winds and sometimes it kept her awake at night. Our Internet has been spotty, so some of your calls and texts weren’t getting through. Your aunt is better and your cousins came to visit so I’ve had a good week. Please tell your mother we’re grateful for whatever she can spare. How did your showcase go?
December 2
Bonjou Granna Esther,
The showcase went really, really well. You’ll never believe this, but there was a scout there. She was from the Manhattan School of Music, and after the show she gave me her card. She told me I should apply and I’m definitely going to.
I guess I have a lot of big news. I also kinda kissed Tobyn? I know, I know. I can’t believe I did it, either. But afte
r the kiss we talked and I was honest with her. At least now she knows how I feel.
Travis does, too. I told him the truth—that I loved him, but that I like someone else. I haven’t told my friends yet, though. Even though it gave Travis some closure, I still have a lot of questions. But I don’t have any answers.
Noelle had no idea how to use Lux’s fancy camera, which she’d borrowed to record her pre-screening video for her Manhattan School of Music application. Lux showed her a few basic things, but she couldn’t imagine playing “For You” with Lux watching.
At the showcase it had been different because she could barely see the audience thanks to the bright stage lights. Playing for an audience of one was much scarier—she worried all the softest, saddest parts of her would show.
“I’m not an idiot,” Noelle said to Lux just to get her to leave so she could record it on her own. Then Lux said, “Fine. You know everything apparently. Good luck,” and left.
Now Noelle regretted it, but she felt too embarrassed to ask Lux to come back.
Micah was away this weekend and she thought about calling Tobyn, but she wasn’t ready to be alone with her again. And when she asked Pierre, he couldn’t figure it out, either.
“Those kids still messing with you on the walk home?” Noelle asked. Pierre hadn’t come home bloody or crying in weeks. Even with the hours he spent at the restaurant she wondered if they’d laid off him completely.
“Not since Ty,” Pierre said, then stopped.
“Not since Ty what?” Noelle asked.
Pierre fiddled with the camera. “He came to school the week after you and Tobyn picked me up. I don’t know what he said to them, but they haven’t messed with me since.”
Noelle laughed to herself. Micah had sent Ty after all.
“Ask Daddy to help you,” Pierre told her, handing the camera back. “You know he’s good at this kind of stuff.”
“I thought he was busy,” Noelle said. Pierre laughed. “I’m pretty sure he’s playing Tetris.”
Noelle went into the living room, and sure enough, it looked like her father was playing a game.
“I thought you had an interview,” Noelle said.
“I did. It didn’t go well.”
Noelle crossed her arms. She pushed down the anger and worry that made its way up her throat. “Does Mom know?”
“No. I didn’t even tell her I had the interview. I didn’t want to get her hopes up.” He finally turned to look at Noelle and said, “I shouldn’t have gotten yours up, either.”
Noelle sighed and held out the camera. “Well, since you’re not doing anything important.” She looked at the computer. “Can you help me with this?”
He tried a few times, but he couldn’t figure it out, either.
“Just ask your friend to help you,” he told her, handing the camera back. “Don’t be so proud, kid.” Noelle couldn’t believe he of all people would say that to her.
“You’re such a hypocrite,” she said.
“What?” He whirled on her, and she could tell he was pissed. “I don’t know where you got that mouth, but it’s going to get you in serious trouble one day if you don’t watch yourself.”
In that moment, Noelle realized that she often said things she immediately wanted to take back because she felt exposed or ashamed. Just like her dad did. Noelle stared at her father, and she knew right then that she didn’t want to be the mean girl anymore.
“Okay, Daddy. Sorry. Look. How about we make a deal,” she said.
Her father squinted and spoke slowly. “What kind of deal?”
“My deadline for this application is December fifteenth, and I’ll probably turn everything in way before then.” She squinted up at him. “If you don’t have a new job by then, you have to call Năinai and Yéye and work at the restaurant until you find something better.”
Her father shook his head and said, “Sometimes you’re just like your mother.” But then he smirked.
“Deal,” he said.
They’d all agreed to meet at Lux’s apartment after school the following Monday to talk about the final details of the prank, but Tobyn was late. Noelle checked her phone but she didn’t have any new messages.
“Oh, she texted me,” Micah said. “She can’t come. Something about meeting up with Ava.” She shrugged.
“She’s always with Ava,” Noelle said, and to stop herself from rolling her eyes, she took off her glasses and cleaned them with the hem of her shirt. “I thought she was going to break up with her.”
Lux laughed. “Why’d you think that? Just because you told her to?”
Yes, Noelle thought, but didn’t say. And because of the kiss. She shrugged. “Well she does usually listen to me. All of you do,” she added, smiling sweetly.
Micah shook her head. “You think everyone listens to you, Noelle, when really we’re just doing whatever we want but not telling you, so we don’t have to deal with you saying something annoying.”
Lux raised her eyebrows, like she was surprised Micah had the guts to say what she’d just said.
“What?” Noelle asked. She looked back and forth between Lux and Micah. “What does that mean?”
Micah’s face looked full of regret. “Nothing,” she muttered. “Can we just get back to the prank?”
“No,” Noelle said. “I want to wait for Tobyn.”
“She’s not coming, Noelle,” Lux said. “I saw her last night and I think she’s mad at you about something.”
Micah said, “Yep. I talked to her this morning. She definitely is.”
Tobyn had seemed distant this past week, but Noelle had been trying to ignore it. She’d been telling herself Tobyn was busy. But Lux and Micah were still hanging out with and talking to Tobyn. Tobyn’s silence suddenly felt a lot more personal.
“Why would she be mad?” Noelle asked quietly.
Lux shrugged. “I asked her. She wouldn’t say.”
“It could really be anything, though,” Micah said. And Lux agreed. “Yep. You say all kinds of nasty things to all of us, all the time, Noelle. Not gonna lie, it’s getting old.”
“You think this, too, Micah?” Noelle asked. Micah kind of half-shrugged like she agreed but wished she didn’t.
“Like when I told you about hiding the spray paint? Or like when I let you borrow my camera and you were all snippy for no reason?” Lux said.
“Yeah, or like before the showcase when I told you I was worrying about finishing? And I mean, you’re the worst with Tobyn. Especially when it has anything to do with Ava,” Micah added.
“Yeah, you treat Ava like crap. But what did she ever do to you?” Lux asked.
Micah frowned and nodded at the same time. “Come to think of it, what did we ever do to you?”
Noelle felt her mouth go dry. “What is this? An intervention?”
“Nah,” Lux said. Her face looked serious. “We’d never do that without T.”
Noelle felt hot and embarrassed. And she missed Tobyn. She’d been looking forward to seeing her here tonight because she hadn’t really spoken to her since all four of them had hung out in her room. It made the mean thing inside her flare, like a lit matchstick. But this time, she didn’t let the ugliness out.
“I think I’m like my dad,” Noelle almost whispered.
“Huh?” Lux said, at the same time as Micah asked, “What?”
“I realized it recently. How much I’m like my dad. That I say messed-up stuff to the people I love when I’m scared.”
“I still don’t get it. Why would you be scared around us?” Lux asked.
“Because,” Noelle answered. “There’s stuff about me you don’t know.”
“Like what?” Micah asked.
“Like my dad lost his job, so I worked extra hours to help out with our bills.”
“Whoa, really?” Micah said.
“Like, I’m worried about my grandma in Martinique. I’m worried about getting into college. I’m worried about all these new . . . feelings . . . inside me. I’m always worried about everything.”
Micah said, “Why didn’t you tell us, Noelle?”
Noelle felt her eyes well with tears. “Like, you don’t know that I like Tobyn. That’s why I broke up with Travis. I kissed her, and that’s probably why she’s mad at me, even though she said she wasn’t.”
“Wait . . . You kissed Tobyn?” Lux said.
“Holy—” Micah said.
Noelle squeezed her eyes shut tight. Tears rolled down her cheeks. “Don’t tell Tobyn I told you. I gotta go.”
* * *
Noelle and her mom were rarely home at the same time. But that day, when Noelle opened the door to her family’s apartment, both her mom and dad were sitting at the kitchen table with Pierre.
“Hey,” she said, trying to sound normal. But her voice came out all wrong.
“Noelle?” her mother said. “You okay?”
Noelle started to nod, but a second later, she burst into tears again. Pierre jumped up, ran over, and hugged her. Her mother looked really uncomfortable, and Noelle thought about how she had never seen her mom cry. Her father’s eyes went soft around the edges, though, and glanced over at her mom. Without speaking, his expression seemed to say, I think she needs you more than me right now.
Noelle hugged her brother back. Then she said, “I’m fine,” but it seemed clear to everyone in the kitchen that she wasn’t. Noelle’s mother put her arm around her shoulder. “Want to talk about it?”
NO, Noelle wanted to say. The word flew to her lips like a reflex, but it wasn’t true. She swallowed it whole, looked at her mom, and nodded.
“So, what happened?” Anaïs asked her daughter.
“I’m afraid I’m ruining everything,” Noelle said.
Noelle: The Mean Girl Page 5
