“Hey,” he says, and the sound of his voice combined with the look on his face stabs Todd like a knife between the ribs.
He thinks that he’s going to cry, but it’s only the trembling in his body.
“Are you okay?” Evan asks, just as Dad comes out to the hallway from the kitchen.
Todd nods, then shakes his head, then nods again. Is he? Maybe. Probably. Seeing Evan like this, compared to speaking to him over the phone, makes all his old wounds raw again.
The next moment, Evan pulls him in for a hug, and Todd feels as if he’s going to break open. He clutches Evan’s shirt, hugging him for as long as he dares, before stepping back and wiping his eyes on his sleeve.
“Sorry.”
“No, I’m sorry,” Evan says, and his eyes are wet too.
“I know,” Todd says quietly.
Thank god for Dad, because he wraps Evan into a hug, and Todd has a chance to escape to the kitchen to get some space.
Dad has made machaca con huevo, Evan’s favorite, and Todd just observes. He knows that Mom and Dad have been to see Evan in Canada a few times, so it’s not weird for them. To Todd, however, it’s like there’s a glitch in his brain when Evan takes his usual spot at the kitchen table. The last time someone sat on that chair was when Daniel came for dinner.
Todd hasn’t seen him since the time he was at Daniel’s for dinner, but they’ve texted since. Finals have gotten in the way, as well as planning for the reopening. Daniel and Jesse have been putting a lot of time into that in addition to studying and practice, so Todd hasn’t wanted to bother him with asking if they can meet. Still, it gnaws within him, maybe there was something to his sense that they were saying goodbye. But why would they?
The longer he observes Evan, the more he comes to realize how much the same he is and so vastly different at the same time. He’s got the same confident air, and he talks with an ease that Todd just never figured out. It’s obvious that he’s used to approaching people that he doesn’t know. He’s always been great at networking. However, where he sometimes was cocky, there’s a humbleness to him now. He doesn’t push his ideas where they’re not wanted or offer his opinion where there’s no room for it. He takes up space, but he doesn’t steal it from anyone else. So maybe almost getting fired was good for him.
“When do I get to see your gallery?” Evan asks him when they’re all in the living room later, playing board games.
Todd shrugs. “Tomorrow, if you want. I’m going there anyway to make sure that they have everything they need.”
“Okay.” Evan nods.
Todd’s quiet for most of the evening. He thinks about texting Daniel but decides against it. He’ll do it tomorrow.
* * *
Tomorrow turns into after Christmas, and then there’s New Year’s, and he’s invited to Jesse’s for dinner. Todd dresses to impress. He even wears slacks and a freaking bowtie. No suit jacket, though, because it’s just really inconvenient at all times.
Evan has promised to pick him up afterward, which is nice. He’s meeting some old friends, and Todd hasn’t dared to ask Daniel if he can stay over. Mela is obviously going to stay with Jesse.
Mela meets him at the stop, and they walk together, huddled in their coats. The sidewalks are slippery, and Todd has to steady himself several times against lamp posts and other objects that won’t topple over.
“The food is going to be amazing,” Mela says. She has glitter on her eyelids and a really puffy skirt on her dress.
“Is he a good cook?”
She snorts. “He’s terrible, but there will be a chef.”
Todd almost slips. “A chef?”
“I know, ridiculous, right?” Mela rolls her eyes, and Todd wishes that he had brought a suit jacket anyway.
“Why can’t he just order pizza?” he mutters. “Like normal people.”
“Can’t order pizza if you want to be the next president.” It sounds as if Mela has had this discussion with Jesse before.
“I’d vote for a pizza kind of president.”
“Me too.”
Todd bites his lip. He doesn’t want to ruin the evening, but he needs to talk to his best friend.
“Out with it,” Mela says before he has the chance to say a word.
“I think Daniel is avoiding me.”
“He’s not,” she says immediately.
“I think he is.” Todd takes a breath. “Last time we were alone, he hugged me when I left, and it felt like he was saying goodbye.”
“Have you talked to him?” Mela asks. Of course she has to ask that. Todd might have overcome a lot of things recently, especially regarding his pride. However, talking about his feelings with someone, particularly someone like Daniel, is still too scary for a coward like him.
“No.”
“And you’re not going to try?”
“Probably not,” he sighs. “I’m all for personal development and stuff, but—”
Mela interrupts him with a loud snort. “I’ve missed you.”
“I’ve missed you too.”
“How about we hang out next weekend?”
“All weekend?” Todd asks, just to make sure.
“At least.”
“I think that’s exactly what I need.”
Jesse’s house is impressive, and Todd gets the feeling that Jesse’s parents probably are well known to people who are into politics. Todd only knows the big names, but he doesn’t know a whole lot about everyone else.
There are a couple of other people there that Todd doesn’t recognize, but Jesse introduces him and makes him sound as if he’s someone that matters.
“This is Todd Navarro; he’s the driving force behind the nascent-artist project I told you about earlier.”
And Todd shakes hands and smiles and makes sure to remember their names. Evan has told him that networking is important, and these people? They’re the ones he should make connections with. He does his best not to feel like an idiot for being the only one who’s not wearing a suit jacket. They’re in college for Christ’s sake.
“Um, thanks for that,” he tells Jesse when the rest have moved on to talk sports. “For introducing me.”
“Of course I’m going to introduce you to my other guests.” Jesse clasps his shoulder. “I like the idea of bringing cool people together.”
“Ugh, who made you this nice?” Todd groans, and Jesse laughs.
“Come on, Daniel is about to be here any minute.”
Todd swallows and straightens his bowtie. He wishes he could have worn a beanie. It would make him less self-conscious about his hair.
He’s talking to Mela in the dining room—it’s all dark wood panels, open fireplaces and chandeliers—trying not to be intimidated by the number of forks on the table, when Daniel shows up with a guy in tow that Todd doesn’t recognize. He’s tall, and chubby, and his hair’s a little on the long side of a surfer’s cut. His face is kind, with round cheeks and laugh lines around his mouth and eyes.
Daniel has cut his hair, just a little bit, making him look polished in his suit. Todd’s fingers itch with the urge to grab Daniel’s tie and pull him in for a kiss. If only he were allowed to do that.
Daniel hugs Mela, and Todd expects things to be awkward, but then Daniel hugs him, too, and this time it doesn’t feel like a goodbye.
“Nice to see you,” Daniel says, smiling.
“Yes, you—yes,” Todd manages, tearing his gaze away from Daniel’s shoulders in the suit jacket. Dear god.
Daniel laughs, and then drags his palm from Todd’s shoulder to his hand. It’s brief, but so there that Todd is sure that he didn’t imagine it. “This is Charlie, my interpreter for the evening,” he explains and gestures to the guy next to him.
Todd shakes his hand, and Charlie smiles. “Nice to meet you.”
He watches as Danie
l moves on to the other guests, and this time Charlie takes part in the introductions, signing names and greetings, and Daniel replies. Todd notices some people seem confused. Maybe they have a difficult time putting together Daniel needing someone to sign for him, while preferring to speak for himself.
“I put you two beside each other,” Mela says. “I know you’re supposed to sit every other girl and boy, but there are more guys, and I figured you usually have a good time. Also who the hell is that orthodox anymore, anyway?”
Staring at the cutlery when they sit down, Todd wishes that he could google under the table to find out which one to use first. He wasn’t born in a barn, but it seems to him there are at least a handful more than there should be.
When the first course is served—yes, served—he glances around. Much to his relief, Daniel’s hand sneaks over and gently nudges the fork farthest from the plate.
Todd shoots him a grateful look before he digs in, and Mela was right, the food is amazing. The guy next to him, Jonah, is hoping to be an engineer, and he’s so passionate about bridges that Todd’s getting really into it, too, when he talks about construction and what types of bridges that are more favorable for what use. He didn’t know that there were different kinds of bridges, except for the aesthetics, of course. How Jonah is able to say advanced erection techniques with a straight face, he doesn’t know, but there’s apparently a really impressive long span bridge in Hong Kong.
Whenever a new course arrives, Daniel subtly tells him what cutlery to use, and it doesn’t take long for Todd to relax. He’s in safe hands.
The wine makes him warm and less worried about doing and saying the wrong things. It also makes him wish that he was the one talking to Daniel and not the girl on the other side of him. Daniel is, per usual, very focused on her in their conversation, but it seems easier now, when Charlie is there to help out.
“Can I come to the reopening of your gallery?” Jonah asks, and Todd is grateful that Jonah’s girlfriend is so busy talking to Jesse that Jonah bothers to talk to him.
“Would you want that?”
“It sounds very interesting, and I want to support the idea in any way I can. Can I bring Madeleine too?”
“Bring your entire family,” Todd blurts, and Jonah laughs. “I’d love for you guys to come. It would be great to have familiar faces there.”
“Madeleine is really into art. I don’t understand it, really, but I’m all for more opportunities for college graduates.”
After dinner, Todd is listening to a conversation about health insurance. Jesse’s friends are a lot like Jesse: engaged in society, politics, well-read, and probably kind.
Todd leaves the group and looks around for someone else to talk to: Mela, Daniel, or even Jonah.
Daniel is talking to a guy in a gray suit—his name might be Eric—and Charlie isn’t around. Maybe he’s in the bathroom. Todd is about to sneak over to Mela instead, when Eric lets out a sigh, flings his arms out and leaves. When he breezes past, Todd hears him mutter: repeating myself a hundred times.
Todd freezes. Daniel has frustration written all over his face; his mouth is pinched, and his eyebrows are drawn together. Their eyes meet, and Todd racks his head for the phrases he’s learned on YouTube.
“You okay?”
Daniel’s face softens, and he nods before Jesse’s broad back cuts off their conversation. He must have noticed what happened as well, because an hour later when Todd looks up from another conversation about bridges with Jonah—he’s going to have to ask Mom to get him some books on bridges—Eric is nowhere to be seen, and Charlie is next to Daniel.
Then, there are games, board games and goddamn Twister that makes Todd wish that he would go to the gym more often, since his arms are trembling from holding his own weight for too long.
“Just spin the thing!” he begs. “Please.”
A second later, he over-balances and falls straight onto Daniel, who lands flat on his back. Todd is just about to apologize, when he hears Daniel’s laugh. He feels it too. It’s vibrating through his body.
“I’m so sorry,” he whispers, laughing helplessly, and signs it as he speaks. “I can’t get up.”
Charlie signs the last part for him.
Daniel laughs even harder as Todd tries to figure out his limbs and get to his feet. In the end, Jesse has to offer him a hand, and then Daniel is getting up next to him, and Todd meets his gaze before he can stop himself. Around them, everyone else has moved on, and the game has continued as if they were never a part of it.
“Are you having fun?” Daniel asks, and doesn’t move away, though they’re way into each other’s personal space.
“Very.” Todd needs him to stay just where he is. “Are you?”
“More so now.”
Todd hopes that his face is already flushed from the game. “Thanks for helping me out at dinner.”
“It’s no problem.” Daniel puts his hands in his pockets and then he looks over at Charlie who hovers nearby. “We’re okay on our own, thanks, Charlie.”
“How was your Christmas?” Todd asks when Charlie has left them to it.
Daniel shrugs. “Apart from my dad, it was fine. Like any other Christmas, really. How was yours?”
“Kinda weird. Evan’s home.” He chews on his bottom lip. “The dad thing, was it anything in particular, or?”
“Repeat the last part again?”
“Your dad, was it anything in particular?”
Daniel shakes his head. “No. He was himself, and I can’t stand it.”
Todd strokes the strip of skin on Daniel’s wrist visible between the cuff of his shirt and the fabric of his pants pocket. “I’m sorry to hear that.”
“It’s nothing you need to be sorry for.” Daniel smiles. “Hopefully I can move out soon enough.”
Right. Harvard. It’s two hundred-and-thirteen miles from Williamsburg. Todd might’ve google mapped it the other day. “Have you heard anything?”
“Not yet, no.”
“Promise to tell me when you do?” Todd wants things to be the way they were a month ago, when they could share a bed, and nothing would be weird between them.
“Of course.” Daniel gives him a blinding smile, then, and Todd feels almost dizzy.
Madeleine comes over to talk to them, and Daniel waves Charlie over, so Todd has to focus on something other than Daniel for a while. It’s for the best.
They gather around the TV to watch the ball drop, and Todd moves a little to the side, when he notices that everyone else is pairing up for the kissing. Last year he kissed Mela, because they were both single and not into anyone at the party. Now she’s standing close to Jesse, and he’s looking at her as if she hung the moon. Todd’s chest swells.
Just as the countdown begins, Daniel sidles up to him, and Todd tears his gaze away from Mela and Jesse.
Daniel looks at him and arches his eyebrows in a silent question. He should probably say no, but Daniel is offering, and it’s been forever since Todd kissed him. Smiling, he counts down with the rest of them, but their voices are vague and distant, as if under water, and Daniel’s focus is solely on him now.
When everyone else shouts Happy New Year, Daniel is already kissing him. Todd grasps his tie and pulls him closer before deepening the kiss. Someone once said to him that New Year’s kisses shouldn’t be with tongue, but Todd doesn’t give a crap, and Daniel doesn’t seem to mind one bit.
It’s shorter than Todd would like it to be, but it still feels as if he’s been holding his breath for an hour when they break apart. Daniel’s eyes find his, and he smiles, a small private smile that makes Todd want to kiss him all over again.
“Happy New Year,” Daniel says.
Todd signs it, just as he learned from one of the apps and practiced all day. Daniel beams.
* * *
January thirty-first comes wit
h cold, but sunny, weather and Todd is vibrating beside Mrs. Floral in the gallery. The place looks amazing. Renatta’s art is floor to ceiling, forcing spectators to look at it, to feel something. Emery has created his own world farther in, and when Todd went there earlier, he didn’t want to come out ever again. He almost didn’t find his way out, either, because it’s built like a maze.
Mrs. Floral is speaking to a journalist, and Todd has smiled for more photographs than he can remember. There are people he knows here, and even more that he doesn’t know. He thinks someone might have snapped a picture of him shaking hands with Daniel’s dad, whose entire family is here too.
The place is packed. Dad has his arm around Mom, squeezing her tight, but his pinched look makes Todd suspect that it’s more for him than for her.
All the kids are there, too, and Jamal has showed everyone who wants to see their own exhibit that they’ve put together this semester. He’s grown at least two inches the past hour, standing tall as he answers questions from a journalist.
“I’m so proud of you,” Dad tells him a little while later, when Todd is allowed to breathe since the journalists are talking to the artists. Then he sounds accusing all of a sudden. “Couldn’t you have warned me about Daniel’s father? I would’ve brought something for him to sign.”
“God, Dad. That’s exactly why I didn’t tell you,” Todd sighs, but then he smiles and hugs Dad so hard that his arms hurt. “And thanks. I’m glad you could come.”
“Congrats,” a familiar voice says, and, when Todd looks up, he finds Evan standing there.
“I thought you couldn’t make it,” Todd whispers and lets go of Dad. He’s been disappointed about that for weeks, but it’s not as though he could be angry with Evan because work got in the way.
“I wouldn’t miss this for anything.” Evan ruffles his hair, and Todd wonders if he got that from Dad but he doesn’t mind, not today. “You’ve done an amazing job.”
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