by Sophia Smith
Suddenly, Charlotte felt her throat go dry. She didn’t know whether it was right, or if it was wrong. She felt a sudden pain, and she felt her heart begin to grow tense and heavy.
But the person who has her heart is living. There is someone out there who has it. She wonders if they would remember one another if they did see each other, or maybe there was a subconscious desire to run into one another again.
For a second, Charlotte felt discomforted though. The person who had the heart was asking about her. What if they never saw one another again? But it was good that her body could be used for something, that her last, dying wish was finally being fulfilled.
Even though it was terrifying to her, in her heart, she felt that it was the right thing to do.
“Please, tell them the name. I think it’s only right. You have my permission,” Charlotte said, holding back choked sobs.
“Very well. Thank you, Charlotte. Hope you have a good day,” he said.
She hung up the phone and fell to the couch. The pain in her heart was there, and it felt like a wound was opened up again because of this.
It wasn’t like she was against this period, but in her heart, she still felt the pain and suffering that she felt when she thought about Lisa. The fact that she wasn’t here, the fact that she had to continue to go on without her, all of that was hard for her to imagine. She put her head in her hands, the tears sobbing down her face.
In truth, Charlotte wondered if the receiver would ever run into her. They could talk about this, and she wondered if they were someone that she could actually fall in love with, of course, having her lover’s heart didn’t mean they were in love, but it was a thought that did course through her mind.
But she still felt alone, still felt lonely, and the pain of being alone and without Lisa still hurt, and Charlotte knew she had to get her bearings together. She wondered if this person would ever come to her, but she wasn’t holding her breath.
Chapter 7
The doctor came back about ten minutes later, looking at both Brianna, and Linda.
“Alright, I did speak to the family of the donor and I got their permission to disclose at least the first name of the donor. I’m not sure if the last name would really be of any help,” he said.
“That’s fine doctor,” Brianna said.
“Her name was Lisa. And yes, she did paint. I do remember looking at her file, and in her dying breath, she did say for her partner to take the pictures that she had and put them around the home. I do believe that she did fulfill that dying wish of hers, but I can’t really confirm nor deny that,” he said.
Suddenly, Brianna felt like crying. Suddenly, she started to look at Linda, and then at the doctor.
“So…it’s true then. I have her heart,” she said.
“Yes Brianna, you do have Lisa’s heart,” the doctor replied.
He suddenly left, and when he did, Brianna began to cry. Tears of both relief, but also sadness flooded down her face. Linda pulled her into a hug, holding her there.
“I just…I can’t believe it’s true Linda. I do have her heart. That’s why Charlotte and I are so close, why I always feel so connected to her. But, I’m not sure what to do about any of this, in all honesty,” Brianna said.
Should she tell Charlotte the truth? She didn’t know if Charlotte was ready for that. But it might be good for her. She looked over at Linda, who nodded.
“I’m not sure, but maybe it might be good for you,” she said.
“I honestly didn’t expect this to happen. I always felt like…like the donor would just be some mysterious stranger. Maybe it was…fate that we met, and we were able to get along like this. I’m happy though. I feel like a part of the mystery is solved and such,” Brianna said.
“Indeed. Do you think you’re going to talk to her about this yet though?” Linda asked.
That was the question on Brianna’s mind. How do you bring something like this up without making it awkward for both parties? What did this mean for her, and her feelings? It was all quite a bit, and for Brianna, a part of her wanted to; sit down and tell Charlotte the truth, since she always felt like this was something that she would just have to buckle down and face. But, in her mind, it also meant that she was definitely not able to really get this, and the fact that she was feeling this way made her start to wonder what might happen next.
What do you do in this kind of situation? How do you really go about getting the most out of something like this? How do you help someone who has suffered through hell and back?
“I’m trying to figure out the best way. But I am determined to get closer to Charlotte, to not let her feel like this. I don’t really know what else I can do at this point,” Brianna said.
“Of course. I only imagine that’s the right thing to do. Charlotte and you are so close, but I do think that this is something that you should wait to disclose to her. It might scare her away and all,” Brianna said.
“Right. I’ll look after her. If she needs someone to talk to, I’ll be there. Anyway, let’s head back to work. It’s late already, and I don’t want to worry anyone,” Brianna said.
In truth, she just wanted to see Charlotte once again. When she got to the office, she put her items down, heading over to Charlotte’s office. But she noticed Charlotte was quiet, which immediately piqued Brianna’s interest. She walked over, trying her best to be as caring as she possibly could.
“Everything okay there, Charlotte?” she asked.
“Yeah. Sorry for being late, I actually got a call from Lisa’s former doctor, and he was asking about whether or not I agreed to let him disclose the donor information. I told him it was okay but…it’s strange to think about,” Charlotte said.
“What do you mean?” Brianna asked, her throat dry as she spoke.
“It’s just…I wonder at times how that person is doing, whether or not they’re okay and surviving. I want to imagine so, but I’m not totally sure. It’s quite…quite shocking really to know that you have someone like that out there, someone who has your lover’s heart. I’m really glad that I could help Lisa live her dream of having her heart donated to someone who needs it but…there is still the fact that I don’t know what to do next. What can I do next?” she asked.
Brianna nodded, trying her best to listen. But she felt that urge to just spill it all to Charlotte, to let her know that Lisa is here, inside of her, and in her heart.
“Well, I’m here if you ever need anything. I’m serious Charlotte, the last thing I want is for you to suffer alone in this world. You went through a lot, and I can tell you’re still suffering because of this too,” she said.
Charlotte looked at her, and she gave her a beaming smile.
“Thank you. For everything Brianna. You’re so good to me, and it’s almost like I can face these feelings with you. I’ve never felt a connection with someone as I did with you. Well, besides Lisa. It’s strange, sometimes I wonder if you’re like a guardian that was sent down to help me get through this tumultuous time. It’s a bit…refreshing really. So, thank you Brianna, for everything,” Charlotte said.
“Of course. Any time. And if you need to talk, remember I’m always willing to lend an ear, especially to you,” Brianna said.
She didn’t mean to sound pushy or anything, but she wanted to make it perfect for her. She didn’t want to worry her or anything, and it was right for her to feel this way. Charlotte seemed relieved to have someone like her by her side, and Brianna would help her in the best ways that she could.
Over the next couple of weeks, it was different for them. For Brianna, she felt that urge to protect Charlotte, to be there for her. When Charlotte cried, Brianna would help her. Of course, they tried to keep their relationship professional at work, but when they spent time together at Charlotte’s house, she would cry in Brianna’s arms.
“It’s weird, I want to leave this place, but I can’t. There’s too many memories in this place, too many things that I remember, but at the same time, I don�
��t want to leave,” she admitted.
“I get that Charlotte. You know, you don’t have to,” Brianna insisted.
“Thanks. I mean, you’re always making me feel happy. I definitely feel like…you’re the person I need in my life. I don’t have much family, so Lisa was always the person I disclosed all my troubles to. But I feel like I can tell you anything. It’s weird, you’re like a best friend to me. Similar to how Lisa and I first were, she said.
For Brianna, it made total sense why she felt this way. She didn’t want Charlotte to suffer alone. That would only make it worse for her. She wanted to look after her, to be the best person that she could be, to not have to suffer this fate all by herself. But, at the same time, she also felt like this was something that made her feel doubtful, something that was eating away at her, and that’s when she started to realize it.
She knew at this point the problems she was going through. She was grappling between two different feelings of love.
Did she love Charlotte as a lover, or was it as a sister? Was she really in love with Charlotte, or was that just her heart speaking? Could she really fall in love with a woman? Up till now, the only people that Brianna dated were men, and while none of the relationship worked out, trying it with a woman was something she never actually pondered till now.
But she definitely had a feeling of love there, but she felt scared to really pursue it. After work one day, Brianna said she needed to meet with HR. Linda and she went to dinner, and when they sat down, Brianna spoke.
“I’m torn Linda,” she said.
“What’s the matter?” she asked.
“I’m…I’m worried about this. I honestly don’t know what to make of these feelings. I do feel so strongly for Charlotte, and I want to protect her, to help her stop feeling the pain, but at the same time, I don’t know if I love her as a lover, or if I love her as a sister. Shit, I’ve never been this confused before. I’m almost forty and I don’t understand my sexuality,” Brianna admitted, holding her head in her hands, tears falling down her face.
But then, Linda looked at her, both of them making eyes contact with one another.
“Brianna, you’re not alone. I understand those feelings. I mean, you know how it was with me. Up till recently, I was dating mostly men, and it actually hurt my partner when I would brag about them. I was scared to admit I wasn’t straight and scared to admit these feelings. You know what I did. I took it slow, thought about it, and after a couple years, I finally told my lover the truth. I told her that I did care about her, and I loved her as far more than a friend. And I do believe that…you can do the same Brianna. I do believe you can figure out these feelings over time and determine how you want to approach this with all of this in place. The truth is Brianna, if you rush this, you won’t feel great, but you should definitely take things slowly. Don’t tell her about this either. Don’t tell her until you know your feelings. It’ll only hurt her,” Linda admonished.
Brianna listed to her friend’s words. She had a good point.
“I’m really glad that you helped me with this. I’m really happy that…that you are here, listening to all my bullshit. I’m not going to tell Charlotte the truth, at least not yet. I’m just very happy that I have someone to talk about this with, and I’m real glad that we can talk this out. I’ve been scared to really face this, to overcome the pain of the unknown. But I’m happy that you are listening to me. So, thanks,” Brianna said.
“Yeah. I mean, you definitely need to tread the waters carefully. You never know how rough this could get,” Linda admonished.
“Yeah. It’s strange though, I feel like there is something there. I do feel a lot happier though,” Brianna said.
This was the correct thing to do. Even if she was worried about the future, taking it slow with Charlotte and figuring out her feelings was the smarter decision.
Chapter 8
Charlotte went over to Brianna’s place, and when she rang the doorbell, Brianna answered.
“Hey!” Charlotte said.
“Hey there! How are you?” Brianna said, giving her a hug.
“Oh, you know. I’m really glad we could hang out like this. I know I always ask for you to come over to my place but...getting out is really nice,” Charlotte said.
“Totally, come on in. we’ll have dinner in a few minutes. Just finishing the last of the food, if that’s cool with you?” Brianna said.
“Of course. I’ll make myself at home,” Charlotte said.
When she walked in, she noticed that there were a couple of paintings on the wall.
“Wow, you paint too” Charlotte said.
Brianna stopped, and she nodded.
“Yeah, I mean…I never really brought it up, but I’ve been getting into painting. It’s something that I do when I’m not out at the aquatic center,” she said.
The aquatic center? That’s where Lisa would go to swim laps!
“Wait, you swim out there too?” Charlotte asked.
“Yeah, I do. It’s a good place, and their pool is nice to swim laps at. The doctor says it’s good for my heart,” Brianna said.
The truth was, that was a lie, and Brianna only took it up since she got the transplant. But Charlotte nodded.
“That’s…quite interesting,” she admitted.
Charlotte felt confused. It was so strange and bizarre. She wondered at times if Brianna was just an alternate timeline Lisa in a sense, but she didn’t want to tell Linda that. After they finished with the initial greetings, Charlotte sat down, noticing the paintings more and more.
In truth, she began to notice that they looked like Lisa’s, which made her immediately tense up. How in the world did she paint just like Lisa, even though they’ve never met before? Was this some kind of cruel joke that fate would play on them? She didn’t even know anymore, and in truth, she always felt like this was something that was a dream in a way.
But, as Brianna put the plates of pasta down, Charlotte was quiet.
“You okay there?” Brianna asked.
“Yeah, it’s just so weird. It’s like…you’re like my partner, but you’re not. Like you are your own person, I know this Brianna, but you’re so familiar. You have so much in common with Lisa. You’re always so nice to me and taking care of me whenever I’m down. When I’m with you…my brain shuts off from thoughts of her. But, it’s not just that. I feel happy when I’m around you Brianna. I feel like…I’m whole again, and when I’m not, I felt empty. So, thank you Brianna, thank you for everything,” she said.
“You’re very welcome Charlotte. I know I’m not her, but I’m trying my best to help whenever I need to,” she admitted.
“Yeah, I’m really appreciative of that. Your painting is so similar to hers as well, and I don’t know what to make of this. It’s definitely a bit strange for me, and I’m a little bit scared of what this means. It’s like…I have such strong feelings for you Brianna, but right now, I just want to be friends, boss and employee, nothing more. It’s like an alternate universe Lisa though,” she admitted.
Brianna sat there, listening to her words and hollowly agreeing. She wanted to tell Charlotte the truth, to let her know everything, but she feared what this might meant for them.
“I mean, you don’t have to do anything you don’t want to,” Brianna said.
“Yeah I like what we have right now. It’s good to have a friend. I’ve been very lonely as of late, and I’ve felt lonely since her death but…when I’m around you I don’t feel alone. I feel like I can let go of those feelings and live my best life. So, thank you for that Brianna. I do want to work with you in the long haul, and I don’t want to pressure myself into being forced to have any feelings for you. I’m just…very glad we’re on the same wavelength for all of this. I feel happy knowing this,” Charlotte admitted.
“Same here,” Brianna replied.
For a long time, neither of them said a word. Charlotte smiled at her, resting her head on her shoulders.
“You know, when I’m
alone, I have a lot of dark thoughts,” Charlotte said.
Brianna nodded, listening to her.
“I understand,” she said.
“It’s just…I’m always scared of what might happen if I ever did act on them. Like sometimes I think about possibly going with Lisa. But I know she wouldn’t want that. She told me that...before she passed, to not worry about her, to move on and live my best life. There have been times where I’ve felt super lonely, where I’ve thought about doing stupid thing, but when I think about what she would’ve wanted, I don’t. Plus, the fact that there is someone out there with her heart makes me have hope. There is hope, and I’m really glad I can confide this to you. You’re so caring and sweet to me. You don’t judge me, and you’re so nice. You remind me of her a lot, and honestly, I almost feel like you were sent by her, like some kind of guardian angel action or something,” she admitted.
Brianna nodded.
“I’m glad I can be there for you,” Brianna said.
Charlotte pulled her close, holding her there and hugging her.
“Thank you. So much,” she said.
“You’re most welcome,” Brianna said.
For the rest of the night, neither of them said anything, and it was nice for them. For Charlotte, the dark thoughts started to dissipate a little bit. While Brianna wasn’t Lisa technically, she gave off similar vibes, and that alone made life a little more bearable for her, and made her realize the power of fate, and the power of what might happen later on.
Chapter 9
About two weeks had passed since that night, and Brianna wondered if there was something that she could do about these thoughts. Charlotte and she spent almost all the time together, and Brianna had to hold back a few times from telling Charlotte the truth, that she did have these feelings and she didn’t know what to do.
But she still doubted that the feeling was real.
Even in those really passionate moments where they were near one another, it felt unreal in a sense. Maybe it was just because Brianna feared this. For starters, this was her first crush in years. Second of all, Charlotte was a woman. An attractive woman, but still a woman. could she really feel the same way about her as she did with others? She honestly didn’t know for sure, and the fact that she doubted all of this made her feel both scared, and insecure about everything.
