electricity, no running water...and the women don’t shave their armpits!”
“You BamaOay must therefore go forth and unite the blockheaded primitives of this world and then begins your task.”
BamaOay nodded and shot an emboldened glance at his mentor saying, “I can do that.”
“Do you agree to community organize to become the ruler of this world?”
“Yep.”
“Do you agree to vanquish all that is not ‘fair and nice’ in this world.”
“Yep.”
“Good, now hold out your staff," the spirit bluntly demanded.
“My driver?”
“Yes, your girl’s driver.”
BamaOay did so and on the great head of the driver the ancient traced with a bony finger a weird symbol that began to glow like white fire in the shadows.
The old man then gave the President a friendly little nod adding confidently, “Barbarian, you are now ready to go forth.”
The wizard then put the pinky of his right hand to his nose...then spoke one last time. “You should know that neither you, nor that heartthrob of yours will ever leave this world unless you accomplish this mission and defeated...and ‘eaten’ the large-headed nonbelievers.”
Then with a whirl around on his left heel one, two, three times he straightway disappeared.
Poof!
In an instant the crypt, the tomb, the ancient, everything suddenly vanished!
BamaOay suddenly awoke! Sitting up he looked about at his surroundings. Everything was dark.
Wait, where’s my driver?
He felt about with his hand and soon found the hard, cold metal of his shaft next to him. Cradling it close to his breast he began to wonder if that vision had just been a dream.
His companion lay next to him snoring like Bigfoot.
Zzz...ack-ack-ack-ackawoooo-ack-ack-ack!
Even so, the howling was drowned out by his growing exhaustion. He lay back down upon the cool grass looking up at the twinkling stars.
Had it been just a dream?
His eyelids became heavy and slowly began to close shut. A few moments later the snoring of his female companion was drowned out by his own barbarian-like howling.
Zzz...e-eeb-bee-bee...e-bee-bee.
The night pressed in very black and terrifying upon the two travelers, but they were not alone. Small glowing eyes beamed lurid as the fires of Hell from the depths of the black forest. A pair of hungry, cruel eyes that reflected the lust of blood and utterly without humanity as the pair of travelers understood it. The orbs belonged to something inhuman, as inhuman as a creature could be in this place. Suddenly, the creature sounded out fiendishly through the darkness.
Ruff...ruff!
The hideous sound was answered by other similar sounds in the forest.
Ruff...ruff!
More ghoulish eyes began to appear, with sharp, glistening teeth and drooling maws.
North Or South?
The New York Post-Chronicle-Tribune-Times - Missing for nearly six hours now it has been speculated by some that both President BamaOay and Presidential Candidate IllaryHay may have been caught by the outbreak of tornadoes which touched down in the area late this afternoon. Already reports are coming in of flying pieces of pickup trucks, trailer park homes, and a cow, or two; clues that may help uncover the whereabouts of the two missing dignitaries.
The bright sunlight dazzled the President as he slowly recovered from his deep sleep. He blinked then shook his head. The glare of the sun hurt his eyes. A confused medley of noise rose about him growing more distinct as his senses cleared. He lifted his head and stared stupidly about him. Memory and understanding of his dream came back to him only slowly and painstakingly. BamaOay’s next sensation upon regaining consciousness was that of the cold, hard ground that had been his bed the night before. The dawn of a new day in paradise.
He heaved himself up into a sitting posture with a sulfurous curse and glared about him wildly, then he remembered more of the dream! One thing was now certain to him: this world, this dimension, this universe, this whatever it was were there for the taking, to conquer and make his own...no matter what it took...lies, cheating, threats, anything and everything! He now had a mission - to defeat those with bigger, rounder heads than his own, otherwise he could never return home. But...but, what had the pointed-hat, wearing fairy meant when he said something about ‘eating them?’ He would leave that thought for a later time, meanwhile as was proving typical of his female companion she lay not too far off raising a ruckus with her snoring.
Zzz...Ack-ack-ack-ackawoooo-ack-ack-ack!
Hungry he went in search for breakfast, golf driver in hand.
Sometime later, when IllaryHay awoke from her slumber, she found the President sitting on a nearby boulder of purple and crimson granite holding part of a half-eaten lizard’s tail in his beefy hand. The prehistoric man-beast was pondering some deep thought in the dark bottomless recesses of his primordial brain.
“Was it now time to consider which direction to go?” he mumbled to himself in thought. “To be sure the lava road runs both north and south through this rugged terrain, but which way to go?”
“Got any more?” she asked, quickly assuming the air of a true prehistoric woman.
BamaOay reached into his belly bag and pulled out what looked like a lifeless, multicolored skink and tossed it to her without a second thought.
Picking the lifeless creature up from the ground she added, “What does it taste like?”
“Tastes like chicken,” he replied disinterestedly, as he tore off another chuck of tail with his teeth.
Not giving it a second thought she crammed the morsel into her mouth...and began chewing. She noticed something odd. “Say, did you realize you’re bleeding?”
“What, where?”
“On your neck and back,” she responded getting to her feet. “Here, let me take a look.”
Clumping to his side she examined the spot where the President’s blood had congealed. “Those look like bite marks.”
“Bite marks? You mean like a hickey?”
“Yes, sort of, but don’t think for a second that I had anything to do with that!”
“Who else could it have been?” he asked, grinning sleazily.
“Look you arrogant dickhead, those marks are much smaller than what I would have put there.”
“Oh yeah, prove it,” he insisted beginning to get a little aroused at the thought that this blonde bombshell had put the moves on him, while he was fast asleep.
The primal matron started noticing a slow rising stiffening in the President’s plaid shorts. “Say, you are not starting to get a boner again, are you?”
Embarrassed he quickly responded, “No...no...absolutely not. Wait a second, say you’ve got some blood on you, too.”
“Where?” she asked looking up and down at herself.
“Your neck...and your armpits.”
“What the shit!” she exclaimed raising one of her arms to examine the area of concern. “Holy crap, where did all this hair come from?”
She raised her other arm to examine her pit for hair. “Holy shit, what the hell have I turned into?”
“Let me take a look,” responded the President, glancing down to make sure he no longer had a stiffy before wobbling to his feet.
“Oh no you don’t!” she quickly responded. “You stay right where you are you horny toad.”
Arms raised she plied through her thick underarm bush looking for the reasons for the dried blood. “Damn those are the same kind of bite marks you’ve got. They look like little puncture wounds.”
BamaOay stumbled a little on his way over to her side. Bending over ever so slightly he spied the area where she was pulling aside her wooly, underarm mop.
“Say you’re right, those do look like puncture marks.”
Dropping her arm she looked at him with a stumped, frightened gaze, “What could have done this?”
“Th
e hell if I know, if I had to guess,” he said whispering, while spying off into the woods with squinted eyes, “I’d say there are bloodsuckers out there, maybe even watching us right now.”
“Bloodsuckers,” she breathed pantingly, cold sweat had broken out out on her low brow, “you mean some sort of undersized horrors that only come out at night when their victims are asleep.”
“Yes, it looks like it,” BamaOay mumbled in return, “to suckle off our blood.”
Terror descended upon both wayfarers, as each looked futilely to find evidence of the little menaces’ comings and goings; occasionally peering off into the dark shadows of the woods, searching for some sign of the creatures that had ravaged them that night.
“Do you see any tracks?”
“No,” she remarked, sick panic beginning to assail her, “I don’t see any tracks.”
“They must be flyers.”
“What are we going to do?”
“Well,” responded the President, “looks like they’re gone for now and I’m hungrier than ever.”
IllaryHay nodded her agreement, but said nothing.
BamaOay for his part only responded by tromping over to some nearby rocks, then turning each over in search of breakfast.
“Gotcha!”
Success!
The two spent the greater part of the morning catching and eating lizards, accompanied by stuffing handfuls of colorful mushrooms into their massive orifices, after a time they had each had their fill. For the President it was now time for a little after-meal aperitif.
“Say, isn’t it time for a Mimosa?”
“Is that what you’re calling them now?”
“What, do you really want to call them something stupid like ‘butt fruits?’”
She smiled at how easily she could get under
Barbarian King Page 13
