tailor on side. Help make ends meet.”
BamaOay had only one set of clothes and thanks to his cavorting with Pile Driver it was now a shredded shambles and fetid smelling to boot. He spied one of the animal skin suits that struck his fancy; it almost looked like a tuxedo hanging on a peg beside the doorway airing out.
“What kind skin that?” he asked pointing to the black and white gown.
Moonbeam looked and smiled responding, “That travel suit made of skunk skins. Skunk keep snake, no-see-umms, bear away. Also aphrodisiac with women, like deodorant...you like?”
“Yes, me like.”
“You want?”
“Not sure, is free?”
“No free, but give if take bossy spouse with on journey.”
“Take spouse?”
“Yes, take spouse...and mother-in-law.”
BamaOay looked skeptical, then doubtful. “Me not sure worth. You say both nagging?”
“Yes, both bossy, but have permission to use stick to shut up...what think?”
It was a really good-looking outfit with patterns of white stripes on a black-brown hair background, and although, the stench of the duds reached his nostrils from over a meter away, that repugnance had those endearing qualities already aforementioned.
“But, me no carry wooden stick. Me carry magic bang bang club.”
“Then use magic bang bang club, me no care. Just take away. Me want to play field...need other women to bam bam.”
BamaOay’s early hesitation began to fade as another thought popped into his noodle. It was going to be a long trip taking him far, far away. A lot could happen to that pair of harping magpies.
“Okay, it a deal, but me want skunk hat for bald spot on head, too.”
“Good, we ‘Boom-Boom’ on deal.”
These backward peoples, too, had a way of completing business much like shaking hands in more modern times. The Medicine Man leaned over slightly in his seated position and ripped one of the most booming eruptions from his hindquarters the President had ever witnessed. With his free hand the President pinched his nose close for the gas attack he expected to assail him at any second, but it did not help.
Gag!
“Your turn,” remarked Moonbeam, seeming unscathed by the volcanic discharge.
BamaOay grimaced with effort only to let go with a pathetic, by comparison, squeaker.
Poof...
He blushed with embarrassment, but it did not matter...the deal between the two adult males had been struck.
“Good, now eat, then put on new hide.”
BamaOay now sampled the barbecue. “Hmmm...This is good. What is it, wild pig?”
“Wild pig, no, not wild pig...demon with fat head, no sun visor.”
Gag!
“This is a person?”
“No, not person...demon. Not like us: bigger head, no sun visor.”
Meanwhile, in another part of the village two close-knit figures emerged from the shadows of the hut. Moose Breath was having some difficulty manhandling the not-so-slender, struggling figure, her hairy hand fastened over the other’s mouth.
"Wait, me got desert.”
IllaryHay momentarily stopped her struggling.
Moose Breath pushed out her hand with something that looked like a small pie.
“Here, eat. Good.”
“What is it?” asked IllaryHay, always willing to push something looking like food into her pie hole.
“It good,” responded the primitive damsel, “desert.”
“Okay, what the hell is it Moose Breath?”
“Me get from woods.”
“Okay, so what is it, a tart?’
“No, animal dropping.”
...Seconds later, the President heard the screeching out of his compatriot breaking the momentary silence of his pastoral setting.
“That was Hillary!” BamaOay exclaimed.
Moonbeam gave the matter little notice, adding, “Happens all the time with new female additions to the tribe. Suitors will be coming out of the woodwork.”
“But, wait! She is mine!” squealed the President, quickly getting to his feet.
“You better go save her then,” responded Moonbeam, “many, including some females, will want to claim sexual relations with a new member of the clan.”
Stepping from Moonbeam’s primordial mansion the President heard another horrible screeching in the air, then he caught sight of her, the glimmer of those pale, glorious, little bosoms of hers writhing with sweat even as with a convulsive wrench she slipped from the grasp of the brutal embrace of the dyke. IllaryHay came running toward him arms spread wide open. BamaOay watched on as she took almost a minute to try to race to his side, having to stop to catch her breath, not once, but twice. Again, she came prancing, again as if to embrace him as a lover would. Looking only at him, not watching to see where she was trotting, IllaryHay now slipped on a field of something slippery. She landed belly first and now looked like she was sliding on one of those Wham-O Slip’n Slides. Another one of her intolerable screams of anguish and horror split the air.
The citizenry of the settlement heard IllaryHay’s primordial screeching...it was louder than many had ever heard. They too joined in the melee as the President winced, his head still throbbing from the orgy of the night before. The tumult of howling screeches, fist-beating chests and heads, he couldn’t take any more. He would go mad if they didn’t shut up.
Desperate, he screamed out as well, “Shut up idiots!”
The Next Clan
The New York Post-Chronicle-Tribune-Times - Investigators have called off the search for missing candidate IllaryHay of the IntonClay Clan and President BamaOay for the western half of the Bermuda Triangle. The Atlantic Fleet, the Coast Guard, the Seventh Fleet and all military aircraft along the eastern seaboard are now moving their search further east. Also of note, the whereabouts of some of the missing trailer park homes has been uncovered, the flotsam of pieces of the wreckage having been found floating in the Sargasso Sea. This has left experts speculating that the two dignitaries might also be floating in the Sargassum seaweed.
Without notice the hypnotic power of this magical place, this 5th, or 6th Dimension, was causing some strange replacements of his faculties and perception of events. The unseen psychic tremors filling the air were beginning to create hypnotic illusions, illusions of belongingness.
BamaOay was no longer thinking that much of the dimension from which he had come. There was nothing really waiting for him back there, at least nothing that interested him. He had not thought of his wife once, not since IllaryHay had become a permanent part of his world, especially now that she had had a spell cast upon her causing her to forget about home. That past life seemed now far off, uninteresting, almost boring and beyond a doubt far less important than being the ‘B’jackass.’ The President’s very being, his individuality, his appearance were beginning to mutate, changing into something new...something wonderful and a part of this universe. This was truly serendipity of the highest order even though BamaOay was noticing his small entourage was made up of some of the queerest and stupidest friends and relations he had ever known back in the land from whence he had come. His groupies came in all shapes, sizes and ages; but neither were they without some merit and necessary for this expedition, especially those acting as porters. IllaryHay was part of the ensemble and had magically forgotten her earlier desires to go north and now preferred being called ScrowSucka; obviously the voodoo spell cast by Moose Breath a few ‘sunlights’ back had worked.
Things were quite mixed up when it came to breeding in this world. For one, Moose Breath’s mother turned out to be a hot looking dame who resembled Diane AwyerSay, but whose name was Nut Goblet. She was blonde, beautiful and at least ten years younger looking than her ugly daughter, Moose Breath. BamaOay had struggled for a while on the topic, but eventually gave up on coming up with a logical answer on how these two could have possibly been related. Unfortunately, wha
t was lost in their differences of age and beauty was more than made up for by their unison of voice when it came to nagging and complaining and was the reason both now had their pie holes plugged and been made pack animals.
Two of the three stooges, the men: Stinker and B.O., were also on the journey and also acting as porters. Both were continually arguing over which of them was going to get stuck with the Medicine Man’s hag wife, Moose Breath, when it came to the extracurricular activity of sex. The third stooge (Pile Driver) unfortunately never left the President’s side and was going to be a constant luckless reminder of what lay ahead for him on many of those cold forthcoming nights.
There were several other hapless souls in the group including the following lookalikes: Clinton consultant, Jimmy ArvilleCay, whose original name was Poo Poo, but who he nicknamed Ig’Nollum for obvious reasons; political comic and iconoclast of the ignorant: John EwartStay of the Comedy Broadcast Network; and last, but not least comedic knucklehead: Bill AherMay of dubious intellectual fame. The Troglodyte who resembled EwartStay went by the name Numb Nuts; the lookalike for AherMay by Rat Catcher.
One good thing to come out of the whole affair was the snappy skunk fur outfit he now sported. The President even had a Daniel Boone style, skunk skin hat to cover up his bald spot, which did not seem to be growing back in as he hoped.
So here they were, a motley crew of backward peoples with pointy spears, fur clad bodies and unintelligible speech, ready to conquer the world. Ready to kick ass, ready to put fur-wrapped foot to any unbeliever’s
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