Before I Saw You

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Before I Saw You Page 7

by Emily Houghton


  No, she told herself, she’d been fine on her own this long and she would be fine on her own now; not even a life-changing near-death experience was going to alter that.

  *

  Alice could barely open her eyes when Nurse Angles came the next morning. Her sleepless night had really taken its toll. Thankfully none of the nurses were expecting any conversation from her anyway, so she simply rolled over and tried to fall back asleep.

  ‘Morning, neighbour. How are we today?’

  How on earth could someone in so much pain be so upbeat and happy every day? Alice found it tiring even to smile when she didn’t want to, let alone be the life and soul of the party.

  ‘It feels wrong calling you “neighbour” all the time. It’s Alice, isn’t it?’

  She sighed, loudly enough for him to hear, and then shifted on to her side away from him.

  ‘I’ll take silence as a yes, then …’ He barely even paused for breath. ‘So the thing is, I know you think you managed to escape my mum the other day, but I feel it’s my duty as her son to warn you that the battle is far from over. Determined doesn’t even scratch the surface with her. Just a heads-up, she’ll be back with more roast chicken and ploys to feed you next time.’

  The thought of his mother forcing piles of food through her curtains made her laugh and panic all at once.

  ‘Anyway, I thought I’d let you know. It’s better to be prepared when facing these things, isn’t it …’

  ‘God, do you ever stop talking?’ the disgruntled voice of Mr Peterson snapped from somewhere across the ward.

  Alice smirked. She did have to admit she enjoyed hearing their little back and forth every day. Maybe she just liked hearing someone put this Alfie character in his place.

  ‘I’m trying to do my duty as a patient of this ward, and let our friend Alice here know what she’s let herself in for by rejecting my mum’s roast dinner.’

  ‘It meant more food for me in the end, so I’m not complaining.’

  ‘As long as you’re OK, Mr P, that’s all that matters, isn’t it?’

  ‘Too damn right.’ The old man chuckled.

  ‘Anyway, I’ll leave you all alone now and get on with this puzzle book.’

  Alice turned on to her back. It seemed the only time he really was quiet was when he was distracted by food or puzzles. Perhaps she could do an anonymous order of the world’s hardest puzzle books and get them delivered directly to him? Do Amazon deliver to hospital beds?

  ‘Oh, for God’s sake, why don’t they make these things easy?’ A sigh followed by a frustrated groan. ‘Don’t suppose you’re any good at puzzles, are you?’

  Really? It had literally been five minutes.

  ‘I mean, COME ON, who in their right mind is meant to solve these things!’

  His words hung in the air, knocking louder and louder at the barrier between them.

  Maybe if you answer him he’ll shut up for a bit?

  Don’t you dare …

  ‘I think I’m too close to it – if only there was someone who could help me …’

  It’s the morphine and the boredom, Alice.

  You give him one word and he’ll take a mile.

  ALICE …

  18

  Alfie

  ‘Is there a clue then?’

  If you’d blinked you would have missed it. One cough from Mr Peterson and it would have been lost. But Alfie had heard her. It was as though his senses had been poised, ready to snatch her words from the air.

  She’d spoken. She’d actually spoken to him!

  He wanted to shout it out loud so the entire ward knew what a ground-breaking moment this was. But instead he smiled and waited, biding his time. His whole brain buzzed with excitement.

  ‘Is there a clue or not?’ The voice, a little louder now, was tinged with frustration. Her voice had an intriguing lilt to it, the shadow of an Irish accent lurking gingerly in the background. It spoke of wide-open spaces, of luscious greenery and bracing winds. There was a beauty to it but he could also sense the defensiveness, the anger and the fiery edges waiting to attack.

  ‘Sorry, I got lost in my thoughts for a second. No, there isn’t a clue. It’s not a crossword puzzle. It’s more of a … visual challenge.’ He couldn’t stop the smile on his face from seeping into his voice. Thank goodness the curtain was drawn, or he could see a bedpan being thrown in his direction very shortly.

  ‘Well, how can I help when I can’t see it?’ The fire licked her every word – he could feel the heat in the air.

  Suddenly, through the curtain a hand appeared. Just one pale hand with nails bitten down to their red-raw beds and friendship groups of freckles scattered across the surface. If it hadn’t been only a few inches from his face, he would have told himself he was dreaming.

  Slowly, he reached over and handed her the book.

  ‘It’s on page 136.’

  He waited. Listening.

  A scratch of the pen maybe? Or was that Mr Peterson rearranging his paper underwear again?

  Just as he was about to try and offer more words as an olive branch, he heard something hit the lino on his side of the divide.

  The puzzle book lay on the floor by his bed. In normal circumstances he would have made a sarcastic comment about respecting the disabled, but he knew he needed to tread carefully so, resourceful as ever, he used one of his crutches to drag the book closer before reaching down silently and picking it up.

  He opened the book to page 136.

  Alfie couldn’t stop the laughter erupting out of him. On his dot-to-dot, she’d carefully and very artistically joined the dots to spell the word ‘arsehole’.

  ‘Oh, I see. Well yes, of course, when it’s right in front of you like that it suddenly becomes very obvious.’

  ‘Goodbye, Alfie.’ The fire in her words had receded and what was left was a warm glow.

  He folded the page with a sweet satisfaction. Just as he was about to tell her that he wasn’t going anywhere so there was no real need for goodbyes yet, Alfie stopped himself. Enough had been said already for today.

  One step towards the end, and all that.

  19

  Alice

  What on earth had just happened?

  The feeling that overcame her was reminiscent of the wine worry that would plague her every morning after a night out at university. The dread. The panic. That neurotic feeling that screams in your ear while fear and embarrassment knock loudly on your door.

  What did I do? Oh God, what did I say?

  This time she couldn’t even blame Sarah for forcing her to be sociable, nor the three bottles of five-pound wine from Wetherspoons for her actions. She could have potentially forgiven herself for asking the question, for indulging him in a small bit of conversation. After all, he’d had a harrowing few nights, and if a couple of words exchanged here and there would cheer him up then it would be no more skin off her nose.

  But to reach out her hand! Was she mad?

  Obviously, she had made sure to use her undamaged hand, reaching over just enough so that no other part of her was revealed. But for a brief second Alice had allowed herself to do what she wanted, without restrictions or barriers holding her back.

  As Alfie had placed the book in her hand, she recognized a little fluttering rising in her chest. Why was she feeling nervous about this? She told herself it was the fear of him tricking her – maybe he would grab her hand and force back the curtains to take a look at her. Hindsight would tell her the nerves were actually excitement, a deep understanding that a barrier had been crossed. Her arm was the unwittingly given olive branch.

  She leafed through to page 136 and forced herself not to curse out loud.

  Staring back at her was a dot-to-dot.

  Of a cat.

  A puzzle fit for a two-year-old.

  The little shit!

  She should have known this wouldn’t be straightforward. Was the court jester really going to hand over a genuinely hard puzzle to solve? No. He was
going to provoke and push her to her limits. He wanted her to crack.

  Not this time, Alfie.

  Even though she knew saying goodbye was a ludicrous way to end the conversation, Alice wanted to stop the interaction before it got out of her control. She’d been sucked in once and she sure wasn’t going to let herself be played a second time. She’d crossed a line and her instinct was telling her to retreat immediately.

  Don’t let him in, Alice.

  You don’t need a friend; you need to get yourself out of here.

  Her defiant independence had taken over again. Put up those walls and don’t let anyone in.

  Get over yourself, Alice, it was just a laugh. The voice of her best friend drifted into her mind.

  This would have been exactly the type of thing Sarah would have done to get Alice out of one of her bad moods. It was so ridiculous and infuriatingly childish, but it always seemed to work.

  Alice’s chest started to throb with a longing for her friend.

  Talking to him once doesn’t mean you’re committed to him for ever … there’s no harm in conversation …

  The absurd thoughts were cut short by the appearance of one of the nurses.

  ‘Hello Alice, how are we today?’ The nurse didn’t even bother to look at Alice as she started her checks. She was on autopilot, anticipating more of the same silence that had been present since day one.

  ‘OK. How are you?’

  The nurse did a double take.

  ‘Oh, wow! Erm … yes, I’m fine.’ She shook herself out of her stupor and carried on with her checks. ‘I’m doing well, thank you. Very well, in fact.’

  The nurse’s face flushed with pride. Here was one of her children finding their words for the very first time.

  ‘Can you tell her to stop talking so much, please, she’s been non-stop!’ came Alfie’s voice from next door. ‘Some of us are trying to rest.’

  The nurse rolled her eyes.

  ‘Don’t worry, I’ll make sure to change his dressing very vigorously today.’ She winked at Alice as she turned to leave. ‘Right, Alfred Mack, I hope you’re ready for a cold firm hand.’

  ‘Oh, well your husband is a very lucky man. I’m surprised he lets you out of the house in the morning with that bedside manner.’

  ‘If Nurse Angles heard you, she’d have you off this ward in a second with that cheek!’

  Alice smiled affectionately.

  Suddenly the nurse leant in close to her, whispering for Alice’s ears only. ‘What have you gone and let yourself in for, young lady!’

  Alice couldn’t help but laugh. She’d been asking herself the very same thing.

  The nurse had barely left before the entertainment started up again.

  ‘Hey, Mr P, do you think we should put our new friend to the test with some of your crossword clues?’

  ‘I think you should learn when to stop and keep quiet.’

  ‘Don’t spoil the fun, old man! Right … I’m looking for a nine-letter word meaning “lively or enthusiastic”, starts with a C.’

  ‘Couldn’t-care-less.’

  ‘No, Sharon, that’s why we don’t ask you to play. Sarcasm isn’t welcome in this high-stakes game of intellect.’

  ‘Alice? Any thoughts?’

  Oh, trust me, there are many, but none that would be pleasant for you to hear …

  She had to lay down some boundaries early. Draw a line in the sand and manage expectations.

  ‘Look, just because I can talk, doesn’t mean I’m going to, OK?’

  20

  Alfie

  ‘That taught you, didn’t it, kid.’

  Alfie shrugged his shoulders nonchalantly as he made his way over to Mr Peterson’s bed.

  ‘One step is a step and all that. Rome wasn’t built in a day, my friend.’ He hoped the disappointment at her rebuff wasn’t leaking out into his voice. ‘Anyway, I’ve got the joys of physio now, so you get a break from me for at least an hour.’

  ‘Praise the Lord. He’s going!’

  Alfie mustered his best glare, but no matter how rude or sarcastic his friend was, he couldn’t help but admire him. He really was one of the best gifts being in the hospital had given him.

  ‘You and Alice can both celebrate my absence together.’ He made sure his voice carried all the way to her bay.

  He couldn’t give up on her now.

  She’d only just started to let him in.

  If any of his fellow teachers had been here, they would have scoffed and rolled their eyes, dismissing Alice as ‘another one of Mr Mack’s projects’. So what if he tried harder than most people would with the children written off as ‘difficult’ and ‘resistant’. He’d tried many times to keep his distance but his heart simply refused to let him. His desire to help took over, and pushed rules and procedure to the side.

  He needed to remember that this was going to be a marathon and not a sprint.

  Not that you could do either now with your one pathetic leg.

  *

  He’d left Alice well alone for the rest of the day, partly because he was exhausted from another intense physio session, but also because he was trying to employ his ‘easy does it’ strategy. Therefore, when he woke the next morning, he was very surprised to see Nurse Angles standing over his bed, arms folded and giving him a look he knew all too well. He’d been on the receiving end of that same look for the majority of his life. Most of the time, including this occasion, it was given with a healthy dose of affection.

  ‘What the hell have you been up to, Alfie? What did I tell you?’

  Alfie shrugged, feigning bewilderment. Nurse Angles leant forward on the bed, one hand resting on his remaining leg and the other reaching towards his face. He was sure he was about to receive a little warning, maybe a gentle finger-wag to go with it. The other nurses on shift had probably told her of his continued efforts to get Alice to talk, despite being asked to leave her alone.

  ‘I’m sorry, it’s just I—’

  But before he could finish, Nurse Angles placed her hand gently on his cheek.

  ‘Thank you, my love, you did well,’ she whispered.

  ‘So you’re not about to kick me off the ward and banish me back to orthopaedics?’

  ‘No, not quite yet, baby.’ She laughed.

  ‘Phew. I think I’ve got a bit more work to do before I go.’

  ‘Yes, like getting yourself well enough to get out of here, OK?’ This time the finger was pointing at him, and with one raise of her eyebrow she disappeared off down the ward.

  Spurred on by Nurse Angles’ delight, he waited less than ten minutes before grabbing one of the puzzle books next to his bed.

  ‘So, it’s that time again, ladies and gentlemen. I’m looking for a five-letter word for annoying.’

  Mr Peterson didn’t even look up from his book.

  ‘Try A-L-F-I-E.’ The old man still hadn’t lifted his eyes from the page but he was now wearing a wry smile.

  ‘Agreed,’ came that faded Irish voice from next door.

  ‘Aha! She speaks again! Now, I want to get one thing straight: if this is going to become a regular thing, I don’t want it to just be an excuse to insult me, OK? I have feelings too.’

  ‘It’s not going to become any type of thing,’ she replied.

  Tread carefully, Alfie.

  ‘OK, neighbour, noted.’ He reached for his TV remote and switched on This Morning.

  ‘Alfie, when are those gorgeous friends of yours coming to visit again?’ Sharon called out from her side of the ward.

  Sometimes Alfie wondered if Sharon got more enjoyment from his visitors than he did.

  ‘Shit. I think they’re coming today. You’re in luck, Shaz.’

  He’d been so caught up in his own head that time had simply flown past him.

  He looked back up at the television screen and clocked the date immediately.

  Of course they were coming today.

  Today was the day Lucy left the country. The day the woman he’d l
oved for three years would disappear from his life altogether.

  21

  Alice

  One of the benefits of never seeing anyone was that Alice’s hearing had been elevated to whole new levels of incredible. Even after a few days of isolation it felt almost superhuman at times. Not only could she identify the residents on the ward from just their footsteps, now she was even able to name visitors just from their hello.

  She had to admit, having Alfie in the bed next to her had given her a lot of practice. Being one of the most popular residents on and off the ward meant he was rarely left alone. A stream of friends passed in and out regularly. There was a Matty, who was sometimes accompanied by a guy called Alex; a Ben, a Simon, a Johnny and a Jimmy. Alice found it hard to keep track of them all, especially as their conversations seemed to follow similar themes. Namely: football, nights out, rugby, football again, and moaning about their families.

  Today was a little different.

  Today there was a distinct lack of unnecessary banter being thrown about between them. Thinking about it, everything seemed a little too subdued – almost polite.

  ‘Hey, Alf. How you doing today?’ Caution – there was definitely a hint of caution in the guy Matty’s voice.

  ‘Yeah, I’m doing all right, same old same old with me. How about you? What’s been going on?’

  ‘Oh, nothing really. Just the usual, right, Alex?’

  ‘Yeah, yeah, nothing major. Same old same old with us too.’

  Alice could picture the scene playing out just behind the curtain: the two men standing awkwardly around the bed, hands in their pockets, avoiding eye contact. Shoulders slumped, shifty looks between one another, and a slight rocking backwards and forwards in preparation to run at any minute.

  ‘Look, it’s fine, boys. Just tell me how last night was – I’m guessing you went?’

  A small intake of breath.

  Alice could feel their guilt seeping out from the cubicle.

 

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