*
Back in bed, her entire body burning with effort, a little voice crept into her consciousness.
I wonder if anyone’s bothered to contact you.
Has anyone even checked to see if you’re alive?
Is work the only thing you’re needed for?
Her phone! She still didn’t know where the hell it was. In a rush of nervous panic, Alice reached over and buzzed the nurses. How funny – even when she was in the most pain she’d ever felt in her life, Alice had never called for help, but now when it came to finding her most prized possession it felt like an emergency.
A flash of guilt rose up in her when she heard a nurse sprint over to her bay.
‘Alice, is everything OK? Alice, what’s happening?’ Flustered, the young nurse appeared between the curtains.
‘Sorry. I probably should have waited until rounds, but I just realized I don’t have my phone. I haven’t seen it since I arrived. Do you know where it is?’
‘Oh. I see.’ The look of relief and annoyance on the nurse’s face was quite a picture. ‘Let me check … one second.’
Nice to know the old Alice hasn’t disappeared completely. Pushing the help buzzer for your phone … really?
In a few moments the nurse was back, holding a ziplock bag of items: purse, keys, phone. Alice recognized them instantly as hers.
‘Sorry we didn’t give these to you sooner. We had to cut away your clothing when you were first admitted – someone must have filed them away in the process. Here you go.’
An image of someone hurriedly trying to separate her suit trousers from her molten skin flashed across her mind. She felt sick at the thought and instinctively felt for the dressings along her left leg, grateful she had been freed from the mess. ‘Thanks,’ she murmured.
Here was another piece of her that had survived the blaze. Holding the cold metal weight in her hand felt alien. She took a deep breath and hesitantly turned it on.
Nothing.
Brilliant. Literally not one single …
One message. Mum.
Two messages. Lyla.
Holy shit. Three … four … five messages. The sharp ding of the message tone rang out across the ward. Alice tried to switch the sound off, but her fingers were stiff and aching from physio.
‘What the hell is going on over there?’ Mr Peterson called out.
‘Ruby, are you playing on my phone again?’ Jackie said sternly.
‘No! I promise!’ Ruby whined.
‘Alfie, is that you?’ Sharon asked.
‘Obviously it’s not me. If I had that many friends, I would have bragged about it long before now, trust me. Wait … Alice, is that you?’ There was blatant surprise in his voice. ‘Is everything OK?’
Alice was too shocked to care what was going on around her. As she scanned the incoming texts, she couldn’t believe it.
Message from Lyla 24 April 09.02
Holy shit. Arnold just told me what happened. Are you OK? Do you need anything? DO NOT FOR ONE SECOND WORRY ABOUT WORK. I know it’s pointless telling you because you never stop worrying, but hey, I can try, right? I’ve got everything covered. Please let me know you’re OK. Lyla x
Message from Lyla 25 April 15.35
OK so apparently you’re stable, but I know that when you come round you’ll be at high risk of having a heart attack if I don’t send you some form of update re Hunterland Project. Tim has taken it on. I’m watching him like a hawk and will be on his ass constantly. Really hope you’re OK, Alice. Lyla x
Message from Mum 27 April 08.55
Hope you’re well. M
Message from Lyla 2 May 12.15
Dear Alice, it’s Arnold here. I hope they are giving you lots of hot chocolate and taking good care of you. We all miss you. My day isn’t the same without seeing you! Get well soon. Yours sincerely, Arnold.
Blinking back tears, Alice had to laugh at that last line. Of course Arnold would sign off his text as if it was a letter. Her heart felt so full in that moment it was fit to burst. These people she had so often taken for granted and de-prioritized actually cared about her. They cared enough to message her, and it blew her mind.
There were more texts from Lyla and Arnold, checking in and giving updates on life at the office. Then Alice saw the message that made her heart leap.
Message from Sarah BFF 28 May 07.50
Hey Al. ARE YOU OK? I called your work because you’ve been completely MIA recently and I was starting to worry and they told me about the accident. Why the hell didn’t you give them my mobile number!? Holy fuck, are you OK? I’m working on getting a flight to you ASAP. I love you so much it hurts. Sarah x
Message from Sarah BFF 28 May 09.30
OK so Raph keeps telling me to calm down and that you’re probably not even allowed your phone on, but please Al just let me know you’re OK. I’ve called the hospital but they aren’t saying much. I love you x
Message from Raph BFFs Husband 28 May 13.35
Hi Alice, it’s Raph. Sarah’s kind of losing her shit over here and has asked me to message to ask you to message her. We’ve rung the hospital a bunch of times and they’ve reassured her you’re alive but you know what she’s like. We are both thinking of you and praying you get better soon. We love you. R x
Message from Sarah BFF 29 May 04.00
Al, I hate you so much right now for ignoring me but I’ve called the hospital and they’ve told me you’re doing OK, and after many arguments they’ve reassured me you haven’t actually been on your phone. We are still coming to see you, will send details as soon as I have them. I love you x
Alice couldn’t get her head around what she was reading.
Sarah was going to be travelling halfway around the world just to be with her.
She couldn’t hold it in any longer. The reality was hitting her hard and the emotions that came with it were uncontrollable.
No. You can’t let her see you like this.
Alice slowly tried to type out a response to her friend, but every stroke of the keypad felt like a gigantic effort. How the hell had she managed to fire off hundreds of emails a day without taking pause for breath? This was why she couldn’t let Sarah visit. This wasn’t the Alice Gunnersley she knew and loved.
Message to Sarah BFF 25 June 13.27
Hi Sarah. I am so, so sorry. I’ve only just got my phone back. No need to worry about coming to visit. Flights will be stupidly expensive and it’s so far! All OK here. Will let you know when I’m out. Love you x
Suddenly there was a movement to her left. Startled, Alice turned and saw a hand reaching through the curtain.
She dropped the phone and grabbed it, squeezing him tightly. She didn’t even bother using her good hand.
24
Alfie
And so they lay, holding hands across the curtain. Alice hadn’t even spoken to him until a few days ago! It was funny how long ago that now felt, how quickly they had fallen into step with each other and how normal – no, not even normal – how good it felt to be holding her. He realized straight away that it was her injured hand clasped in his; he could feel the gauze wrapped around her, creating a rough second skin. Suddenly he was afraid – had he hurt her? Was he holding on too tightly? Then she squeezed him hard and he let the panic settle in his chest.
‘Thank you. Sorry, I just need to wipe my face,’ she whispered and then let go. ‘God, crying is disgusting.’
‘Lucky there’s this big old curtain between us so I don’t have to see it.’ Alfie let his hand linger momentarily before pulling it back across to his side.
‘One of the many benefits,’ she replied, half laughing.
They sat in contented quiet for a few minutes. Alfie’s brain was buzzing with excitement, his skin tingling from the memory of her hand in his.
‘For someone that doesn’t get many visitors, you sure have a hell of a lot of texts. You’re not hiding secret friends back there?’ He prayed he hadn’t overstepped the mark.
‘No.�
�� She laughed. He breathed a sigh of relief. ‘It’s only a couple of people from work and Sarah.’
‘Who on earth is Sarah?’
There was a slight pause.
‘I guess you could say she’s the greatest person I’ve ever met in my entire life.’
Why did his stomach sink a little when she said that? Surely he wasn’t feeling jealous?
‘Wow! I’m afraid you’re going to have to give me more after a statement like that! Who is this person?’
‘I mean, no matter what I say, it won’t do her justice. She’s one of those people you have to meet in the flesh to really get the measure of. She’s my best friend.’
‘Do you think she’ll come and visit?’ Alfie assumed this must be the mystery emergency contact Nurse Angles had mentioned, who was currently unreachable and halfway across the world.
‘She lives in Australia now so it’s not exactly the easiest trip to make. She said she’d fly in to see me but I’ve told her not to come.’ Her voice was resolute.
‘Well, she sounds incredible.’
‘She’s the best.’ He could hear her voice cracking again. ‘God, I swear I’ve never cried this much in my entire life.’
‘Spare pillows but no tissues over there? I’d complain if I were you.’
He could hear her laugh muffled by some vigorous face wiping.
‘You want to complain, honey? I’ll come and give you something to complain about!’ Nurse Angles’ voice rang out across the ward.
‘At last! Give him one from me too.’ Mr Peterson was clapping enthusiastically.
‘Alfie’s in trouuuble. Alfie’s in trouuuuble,’ Ruby repeatedly sang, as she danced up and down the ward. Sharon whooped and cheered her on in delight.
Alfie sat bolt upright. ‘Hold on a second, since when did it become gang-up-on-Alfie day? You’ve got to give me at least a little bit of warning, team!’
‘Let’s all gang up on Alfie. Let’s all gang up on Alfie.’ Ruby’s singing was getting louder and louder as the dancing got more and more spirited.
‘Ruby, enough!’ Jackie half attempted to control the wild child dancing up and down the ward.
‘I see. I guess I’ll just be silent for the remainder of my time here then, shall I?’ Alfie folded his arms in defiance.
‘At last the penny drops!’ Mr Peterson slapped his hand to his forehead in mock exasperation while Alice sniggered next door.
‘Perfect. Let me just grab my prosthetic and I’ll be out of your hair immediately. That’s right, my prosthetic – because I only have one leg and you’re all abusing a disabled young man. I really hope you can find a way to live with yourselves!’
‘You’re both idiots, the pair of you. Now, Alfie, let’s get you ready. The physician wants to see you before physio today, baby.’ Nurse Angles was already trying to lift him out of his bed before he had a chance to protest.
‘Wait, why does the physician want to see me?’
‘Maybe he’s going to answer all our prayers and get you discharged.’ Mr Peterson chuckled.
He couldn’t go now, surely?
Not yet. Please, not just yet.
*
‘Come on, Alfie, concentrate. I know you’re tired but you’re doing so well. We’re so close to nailing this. I reckon you only need a couple more rounds.’
Alfie was unceremoniously snapped out of his daydream by the familiar motivational tones of Darren, the physiotherapist. Darren was a sweet guy who really cared about his patients. You could see it in the way he picked people up off the floor, dusted them down, and pushed them to try over and over again. He was the light when no one was home and he was the energy when the tank was running on empty. Darren was the kind of person you wanted to do well for as a patient. You’d try doubly hard just because you couldn’t stand the thought of letting him down. However, his kindness was a double-edged sword, simultaneously offering himself up as both a cheerleader and a punchbag. It made Alfie cringe to think back to how he used to behave at times.
When he’d first started treatment, Alfie being Alfie assumed it would be over in a few weeks. But apparently being thrown from a moving vehicle at seventy miles per hour, sliding across the tarmac and having one of your limbs amputated really took it out of you. The physical exertion was one thing, but no one could have prepared him for the emotional toll of it all. The embarrassment of having to relearn the most basic things was enough to reduce him to tears. A twenty-eight-year-old man crying from the sheer difficulty of lifting a weight he would have previously blinked at felt extremely emasculating. At first he was able to keep the emotion tightly bottled up inside, drowning out the negativity with the words of encouragement from those around him. Everyone told him it would get easier; it would take some time, but things would soon get better.
Except they didn’t.
They got harder.
There were times when he couldn’t even get himself out of his wheelchair, couldn’t even lift his leg up, didn’t even have the energy to cry. It was then that he cracked, and out poured the torrent of emotions he’d kept so carefully contained. Initially the outbursts were directed at himself.
You stupid weak idiot.
Look at what you’ve become.
You’re a joke.
Try harder, you fucking loser.
Like a vicious snake the anger writhed and twisted in the pit of his stomach, its fiery tongue licking at his flesh until he was seared with the pain. When it had gorged on all of him, the creature had to look elsewhere for fuel, directing its venom at anyone close to him. It hurt to remember the times he would collapse into Darren’s arms, too tired to move another inch. It was even more painful when he remembered how he would lash out, punching and screaming into Darren’s torso at the shame of falling once again.
He would have liked to say he managed to turn it around himself, realizing how ineffective his behaviour was to his recovery and how detrimental his outbursts were to his healing. But it took the great insight of his mum for it to hit home.
‘The doctors and physio team have told me you’re acting up. What’s going on, Alf?’
‘Nothing. I’m just tired. It’s hard and I’m done with it.’
‘You’re done with it?’ Her eyes widened in disbelief.
‘Please don’t start, Mum. Do you have any idea what it’s like living this way? Like a fucking freak?’ He had never spoken to her like that before, but he was so full of hate he couldn’t control it.
‘Alfred Mack, never in my life have I been disappointed in you. Never.’ She’d bent down to look directly into his eyes. ‘Until right now.’
He’d tried to turn his face away, but she’d reached out and held it in front of her. ‘Are you telling me you’re a quitter? That my own flesh and blood is someone that gives up? I did not raise you to be “done with it”, Alfie, no matter how hard things get. Because guess what? Life is hard. I can’t imagine the hell you’re going through and I won’t pretend to, but my God, I’ve known pain. I know what it’s like to feel there is no hope left any more. You think it was easy for me? You think my heart didn’t break every single day during that time?’
He winced and began to speak but she cut him off immediately. ‘I’m not asking for your sympathy, I’m just telling you that there’s always a way out. Even when you’re in so deep you can’t see anything but the darkness. Alfie, there’s a whole life out there waiting for you. It might not be the life you had before or the one you dreamed of having, but it’s there. There’s an opportunity for you that right now you’re throwing away. I’ll be here every minute of every day and I’ll support you in any way I can, but I won’t stay around and watch you chuck your future away. I promise you that.’ Her eyes were fierce. ‘So what are you going to do?’
With that, he had stopped fighting everyone around him and started fighting for his life.
‘Alfie, buddy, are you OK? You haven’t been in the room all session. Something you want to talk about?’ Darren was standing right in
front of him now, a hand on his shoulder.
‘Sorry, it’s just that I met with the physician earlier and he said that if all goes well in our sessions, I should be out of here in a couple of weeks.’
Alfie knew it sounded absurd. Why would he be sad about the prospect of leaving this place? He was getting what everyone who walked into St Francis’s wants: the chance to leave with their life still ahead of them.
‘Ah.’ Darren signalled for Alfie to sit down on the bench. ‘I mean, that’s got to be scary, right? You’ve been here, what … eight weeks or so now?’
Alfie nodded.
‘That’s going to be a hell of an adjustment, buddy. I’m not surprised you’re a little thrown! Come on, let’s sack this session off and get a coffee?’
Alfie smiled. Of course Darren would understand. How many patients had he seen come in and out of those doors, all with their own physical and emotional damage to deal with?
‘Darren, are you ever not a nice person? Please tell me you’re not 100 per cent great at all times? Like, surely you must get angry sometimes!’
‘Of course I’m not nice all the time. For example, I’m going to make you get me these coffees for all the shit you put me through, and then I’m also going to get two slices of cake just for the fun of it. And yes, you’re paying for those too!’
*
Despite only doing half a physio session, Alfie was exhausted by the evening. Speaking to Darren had been a big help but it hadn’t erased his anxiety. He’d been reassured that it was normal to feel concerned about leaving – going back to reality was a big deal and something a lot of patients worried about – but Alfie was still having trouble picturing what his life would be like outside the ward. In the end, the thoughts became so depressing that the idea of a sleepless night filled with flashbacks became a welcome option. He closed his eyes and prayed tonight his dreams would go easy on him.
Before I Saw You Page 9
