Shut it down and get on with it.
*
For the first time in months, Alice was rudely awoken by the sound of buzzing near her ear. Had she really lived her life at the beck and call of this stupid phone?
Message from Sarah BFF 11 July 09.15
Jesus, that’s a hell of a lot going on! Is Alfie OK about Mr P? Send him my love, he must be really struggling. Can you please, PLEASE get someone to let me know how the operation goes? I love you but don’t trust you to let me know! All is fine here except I have an Alice-shaped hole in my heart. Love you x
She re-read the words over and over.
He must be really struggling.
Had she been too hard on him?
She couldn’t shake off the feeling that being angry with him didn’t feel quite so good any more.
With no Alfie to talk to and the wind taken slightly out of her sails about the operation, Alice was struggling to find ways to pass the time between physio sessions. She’d walk around her cubicle, diligently following the doctor’s instructions and Darren’s exercise plans until her bones ached and her skin felt raw. Then she’d be left with pretending to read, pretending to watch TV or pretending to sleep. It was a truly mind-numbingly boring existence. Not that her life before the accident had been full of social events and activities, but never had Alice spent so much time doing nothing. Work had filled her days. Work was her excuse for not hanging out with friends or making plans. She used to moan about her triple-booked diary, her relentless meeting schedules and demanding to-do list, but what she wouldn’t give to have it all back now. The feeling of walking into a boardroom with such confidence, such certainty of yourself that nothing anyone could say would affect you. The adrenaline of a deadline and the sweet exhaustion that came from successfully meeting it. Now, without work, all she had left was to lose herself in other people’s dramatic storylines on terrible daytime TV shows. At least none of them would get on her case about her shitty life.
Thankfully, she must have fallen asleep at some point during the afternoon, because next thing she knew, she was woken by the voices of Alfie and his parents, overcome with joy that their son was going home.
Alice felt torn. Never in her life had she felt so many conflicting things at once. Actually, never in her life had she felt so many things full stop.
She hated him for the other night. She hated him for making her let someone in again after all these years. She was mad at him for leaving her.
Without thinking, she reached back for her phone, and in a rare moment of desperation she messaged Sarah again.
Message to Sarah BFF 11 July 15.15
Alfie and I aren’t actually talking at the moment, and I just found out he’s leaving soon. I don’t know what to do. I was SO angry at him but now I’m just scared. I know there’s nothing you can do, and I don’t really know why I’m telling you this when you’re so far away. I love you and miss you xxx
Message from Sarah BFF 11 July 15.25
Alice, what happened? Actually, regardless of what happened – I’m not saying he’s perfect or he hasn’t done anything wrong, but some things are more important when you look at the bigger picture – don’t let your stubbornness get in the way of this. He loves you. You know he does. So do I. xxx
Her tears were making it difficult to read the screen.
But what was she meant to do? She took a deep breath and tensed every muscle in her body, holding everything so tightly until she was shaking from the pain. Her jaws were clenched shut; teeth on teeth, bone on bone. It was taking all of her energy not to scream the rage out of her. Instead she squeezed her body tighter, screwed her face up and dug her nails deeper into the palms of her hands. A voice inside her head was howling, ripping the silence apart.
I don’t want to FEEL THIS ANY MORE.
All at once her body went limp. The exhaustion hit and she could no longer hold on to the fire. It was burning her from the inside out.
54
Alfie
‘Alfie?’ Her voice was soft and almost dream-like. Alfie couldn’t quite trust that he’d heard it for a moment, until she spoke again. ‘Alfie, are you awake?’
‘Uh-huh. What’s going on, is everything OK?’ He was still a little surprised at her making the first move.
‘Why didn’t you tell me?’
OK, now he was really confused. ‘What?’
‘Why didn’t you tell me you were leaving so soon?’
‘Oh. I only found out a couple of days ago. Then we weren’t talking, and then we were, and then we weren’t again. I just … there just wasn’t a right time.’
A part of him was flattered by her sadness. Another was confused. She was the one who was angry with him. Why would she care if he stayed or went?
‘I know, but still, that’s big news.’
He sighed, rubbing his face with his hands. There was so much he wanted to say, but at the same time the fear of being vulnerable with her again was clamping down on his words. He knew he had to be honest with her. He knew that if he pushed her away now, the chances of getting her back were slim to none. She’d opened the door and there was no way he could slam it back in her face.
Taking a deep breath, he dived in. ‘I’m sorry I upset you the other day. It’s just, I have lost so many people in my life in such a short space of time, and I guess I’m petrified of losing another one. You nearly died once, and I can’t wrap my head around the fact you want to risk it all over again when you don’t need to. But that’s me. That’s my opinion and I shouldn’t have put that on you. I’m sorry.’ He took another breath. ‘I really am sorry.’
Clenching his hands tighter, he fought back the impulse to cry.
He heard her breathing deepen, quicken, then slow again.
‘Alfie—’ Her voice cracked with emotion. ‘I’m absolutely terrified of what’s going to happen. I know you don’t think I need an operation to accept myself, and I wish I could buy into that too, but you don’t see the way people look at me. Even the nurses – when they try not to stare, they can’t help it. I see it. Every day.’ She paused for air. ‘I need to do this to help myself. I don’t ask that you agree. I don’t ask that you wheel me into theatre singing praises about my decision. All I ask is that you support me. That’s all I ever wanted. I just wanted you by my side, in my corner. And when you weren’t, I guess I panicked and lashed out.’
Alfie took a few moments to let her words sink in.
She wanted me to be there for her.
‘Will you do me a favour? Just for one second, would you try something for me?’ he ventured.
‘It depends … your plans always worry me!’
‘All I want you to do is close your eyes.’
‘Really?’
‘Really.’
‘Hmmm. OK. Fine. They’re closed.’ She sounded suspicious but there was definitely a hint of curiosity there. ‘You do know that I could be lying, right? You’ll never know for sure if I’m doing what you say.’
‘I know, but I’m hoping I can trust you.’ He wasn’t in the mood to mess around tonight.
‘OK, so what next?’
‘I want you to imagine a place in the world you’ve always wanted to go to. It could be a country, a city, a building, anywhere: just make sure it’s somewhere you haven’t been to yet.’
He waited a moment.
‘Can you see it?’
‘Yes, I can see it.’
‘Now I want you to imagine you’re there. That you’re standing in that place right this second.’
‘OK …’
‘How does it feel?’
‘What?’ She sounded confused and perhaps a little impatient.
‘If you’re really imagining yourself there, I’m asking how does it feel? What’s the air temperature? What can you hear? What does it look like when the sun rises? How does it change when the moon shines? Alice, are you there yet?’
He heard her inhale.
His heart was racing.
&nb
sp; ‘It’s incredible. It’s breathtaking.’
‘You’ve never been to this place before in your entire life, yet when you imagine yourself there now, it’s making you feel things, right?’
‘I guess.’ She was hesitating; he knew he had to finish this quickly.
‘It’s making you feel things in your stomach, in your chest, in the way your breathing changes and your mood relaxes. Alice, don’t you understand? I don’t have to see you to know that you make me feel things.’
‘Wait – what?’
He couldn’t stop now. ‘Being around you, speaking to you, even just hearing you breathing does things to me I’ve never felt before. You make my heart beat a million times a minute, you make me smile without even saying a word, and my stomach ties itself in knots when I know you’re awake next to me. I don’t need to look at you to know how I feel about you.’
‘But those feelings are based on a fantasy, Alfie. On only half the information.’ The frustration in her voice was clear. He knew it was a risk, he knew she wouldn’t like it, but he had to try.
‘I know it sounds insane. And trust me, I’ve questioned it myself over and over again. But let me ask you this. What do you feel when you think of me?’
Silence.
‘I don’t need you to tell me. I just need you to know. Because I’m guessing when you start thinking about it, you’ll realize you can feel things about people without relying on your eyes to tell you who they are or what they’re about. When I close my eyes and picture you, I see someone so strong. I see someone who’s brave. Someone whose life has forced them to become so fiercely independent that they shut out everyone who wants to get close to them. I see someone who, behind all those walls and facades, is filled with so much kindness and love that it’s breathtaking. I feel someone who radiates the most amazing, electric energy that she lights up this very cold, very lonely and very empty room every single day. So, no. I haven’t seen your face. I don’t know the colour of your hair or the length of your arms or legs. I don’t even know if you have any! But I don’t care. Do you hear me? I. Don’t. Care. I see you. I see you for who you are, Alice, and it’s the most dazzling thing I have ever seen.’
The silence was excruciating.
Alfie fought hard not to break it.
He tore his gaze away from the ceiling to try and see if he could make out any of her silhouette in the moonlight.
He couldn’t.
Instead, he found her very pale, very shaky, very lonely hand waiting for his.
55
Alice
She woke with her hand still hanging off the side of the bed. It felt cold and empty without Alfie’s to hold. She wanted to reach through and grab it again, to feel the touch of the man she cared for so deeply. A man who had spoken to her the most wonderful words she had ever heard. A man who had saved her these last few weeks.
Just as she was about to close the gap between them, he started to stir.
‘Hey. How are you?’ His voice was covered with sleep.
‘I’m good. Tired, but good.’ She wanted to let him know how much last night had meant to her, but she was also aware that in the cold light of day, maybe he was feeling a little embarrassed. Or worse, he might even be regretting it. ‘How are you?’
Did she really want to know the answer?
‘Same. Although I’m keen to get back to reading The Philosopher’s Stone now we know we only have limited time left to finish it!’
She laughed. Alfie Mack was back, and Alice felt nothing but relief.
‘You’re relentless.’
‘You don’t know the half of it.’
‘Is that so?’
God, if Sarah was here right now she’d be vomiting at their flirtatious exchange. But she wasn’t, and it was making Alice feel all sorts of lovely.
‘Mhmmm. I’m not sure you could handle it.’
‘No, sweetheart, he’d eat you alive.’ A new voice had suddenly joined the conversation and Alice almost fell out of bed with shock.
How much had Nurse Angles heard?
The mortification began crawling over her skin. It felt as though she’d just been caught naked by a stranger.
‘Mother A, are you snooping again?’ Trust Alfie to manage the situation without any sign of embarrassment.
Nurse Angles began to laugh in that deep soulful way of hers. ‘Chance would be a fine thing. I have ears, Alfie, and you’re not as quiet as you might think. Sweet nothings are usually whispered, not barked.’
Arghhh! Her whole body was radiating now. She could feel her face turning a deep red.
‘Someone is bringing the sass today, aren’t they!’
And just like that, he’d sent her off in another direction. Alice had to hand it to him; Alfie was a professional when it came to conversation. The change of subject didn’t, however, ease any of her embarrassment, and she was sure by the time Nurse Angles came to do her morning checks, her cheeks were still shining a strong crimson.
Alfie hadn’t been joking about returning to Harry Potter. In fact, the full schedule he had so carefully created before Sarah had left was reinstated with renewed vigour. During the day, only easy conversation was welcomed – no profound questions, no reminders of the two big upcoming events, and absolutely no talk of feelings. This didn’t stop Alice constantly replaying the words he’d spoken to her that night.
I see you. I see you for who you are, Alice, and it’s the most dazzling thing I have ever seen.
She couldn’t get them out of her head. At first, she would just sit there smiling from ear to ear. Her heart was so full of him it felt like it would burst. Then, the familiar seeds of doubt started to sow themselves into her thoughts.
Does he really mean that, though?
One look at your face and he’d probably take it all back.
Just as she would start to get sucked in by the negativity, she’d reach for Sarah’s message.
He loves you. You know he does.
Did she know? She knew that before this weird and wonderful thing had arrived rather unconsciously in her life, Alice had never been in love. Her dating life wasn’t exactly what you’d call a success before the accident, so how it would fare post-burning didn’t bear thinking about. Sure, she’d had sex. Dated guys for a few weeks. Dated multiple guys for a few weeks. But that was it. No relationships. No commitment. Certainly no love.
The closest she’d ever had was a very convenient arrangement with a man she’d met late one night in her office building. He worked for an investment bank that occupied one of the other floors, and they had caught each other’s eye a number of times in passing. Both were slaves to their jobs but both of them had needs. Twice a week they would meet, spend the night together, and then go about their business fully satisfied and without any urge for contact. Aaron was a forty-three-year-old twice-divorced man who didn’t have the time, energy or heart space left for a relationship. He was extremely attractive, kind and incredibly talented in bed. This situation ran on for a good few months until, it seemed, Aaron found some time, energy and space in his heart for a relationship. It just wasn’t with Alice. After that very amicable ending, Alice never really tried with anyone else. Her lack of dating experience never really bothered her. Sometimes she felt like she did it because it was what she should be doing. It was only recently, when the prospect of being able to meet someone easily if she wanted to was taken away from her, that she resented how flippantly she’d treated it before. Apparently it was OK being lonely, but only when you were lonely by choice.
One thing she knew for sure was just how much was riding on this surgery. A new life. Perhaps even a chance to feel brave enough to meet Alfie at last?
The last part she still couldn’t quite commit to. The thought of him leaving the ward and never speaking to her again made her feel sick to her stomach. Yet, could she really find it in herself to meet this man face-to-face? What if even after the operation she was still a disappointment? What if he left and never looked back?
What if she was simply a project for his amusement, to while away the time?
She’d allowed everyone in her life to leave her in the end, and even Sarah was halfway across the world now. She couldn’t take it if Alfie abandoned her too.
*
‘T minus one day, Big Al. How are you feeling?’
‘Really still wishing you wouldn’t call me that hideous name!’
‘Sorry! It’s a bad habit, I know, but stop avoiding the question.’
‘I’m feeling the same things I felt yesterday when you asked me. And they were the same things as the day before that. I’m absolutely positively 100 per cent terrified yet … excited.’
‘The terrified I understand, the excited not so much. And you’re sure you don’t want to try some of my scar cream as a last attempt before the big op?’
A little white tube poked through the curtain.
‘Oh yeah, because I’m not already using that, am I? Plus, that tiny tube would just about cover my arm.’
‘Only trying to help.’ He waggled the tube at her one last time before it disappeared behind the curtain again. ‘And you’re sure you don’t want me to call anyone if something goes wrong? Not even Sarah?’
‘No. If anything really bad happens, the hospital will call. I don’t want her worrying. Trust me on this.’
Alice didn’t want Sarah to be contacted unnecessarily. There would be no point. Whatever challenges Alice faced, she would deal with them without the need to worry anyone else. She hadn’t completely forgotten how to fend for herself.
‘I don’t agree at all, but I’ll do as you say.’
‘Good. Alfie?’
‘Yes?’
‘I need to ask you to do one more thing for me.’
‘You’ve got my full attention, Miss Gunnersley.’
If only he knew that this was really not the time for flirting.
‘I need you to promise me that no matter what happens during the operation, you won’t come and visit me.’
Before I Saw You Page 22
