“How old were you?”
“Little. Three? Four? I can’t remember.” He frowned in the distance, trying to. “I think I lived with a grandmother before foster care. And I think…” He took a deep, pained breath. “I think I missed her. I think I was scared to be alone. I had no one. And then I think that fear turned into rage. And then nothing. I learned that nothing was safer when you’re surrounded by strangers.”
I wanted to do something. Like take his hand and hold it. Hug him. Cry. But I knew if I did, he’d clam back up. “What happened to her?”
“I don’t know, or I don’t remember. It’s fuzzy. She wasn’t that old, though. I think.” His grip tightened on the steering wheel. “I don’t remember and what good does remembering do me now?” He nodded to himself, telling himself it was okay not to have memories, to push down the abandonment.
It wasn’t okay. But I knew he knew that, otherwise he wouldn’t try so hard to forget. “How did you deal with them?”
“I’d go someplace quiet. A closet, under my bed, and I’d sit with my head between my legs and I’d breathe slowly, focusing on things I could see, hear, and touch. Smells. Objects. Until I could function again. Eventually, they went away. Right around the time I picked up a hockey stick, actually.”
“Hockey’s your escape.”
He took a shaky breath. “Can I tell you something without you getting all excited?”
I brought the collar of his hoodie to my nose and breathed him in. “Probably not.”
“Right,” he grunted. “Coach mentioned that there’s a chance the coach of Minnesota University’s hockey team is interested in me playing for them.”
I could connect the dots. The wonderful, blessing-filled dots. For a boy like Bishop, a sports scholarship could be the difference between making his escape a career or losing the one thing in his life that made him function. I wanted to pounce on him. Scream in happiness. But he’d just scowl, so I gave him a huge smile. “I’m happy for you.”
“Are you still coming to my game tomorrow?”
“I’m going to every game you ever play.”
“You promise?”
“I promise.”
He gave me a second of eye contact that was surprisingly wanting. “Really?”
And I knew I’d do anything in my powers to go to his games. Whether they were in Antarctica, I’d find a way to go. “Really.”
A tiny, gorgeous smile painted just one corner of his lips. The side of his lips I could see. Which meant that smile was for me. “Guess that means I absolutely have to win them.”
“Or you’ll lose your manhood,” I agreed, face serious.
He shot me an incredulous look. “My manhood’s at stake now?”
I nodded. “Every last drop.”
“Crap.”
I giggled, already feeling a little better. He took the turn for Henny’s house, peering over the steering wheel as I told him where to go. I texted her that I was outside, and she came out a few minutes later, bundled up in a puffy white jacket and her blue A&F sweatpants. She got into the back and before I could say hi, she leaned over the seat and wrapped her arms around me. I hadn’t realized how badly I needed her to understand until she hugged me, and I realized that she already did.
I crawled in the back with her and when we picked up Laurie, the same thing happened, only there were three of us, hugging and crying and the truth tumbled out of me. And poor Bishop, he drove for hours and never looked back once.
“Do you guys need to go home? Are you going to get in trouble?”
“I told my parents a little bit of what’s happening. They told me to be mindful of my curfew, but they wouldn’t ground me if I came home late.”
“Mine, too,” Henny promised. “We’re here for you, Ava. We always were.”
I looked at my hands. “I know. As long as I didn’t admit it, it wasn’t true.”
“Now it is,” Laurie said softly. “Only you’re not alone. You have us and Bishop. And your parents love you, but sometimes parents are just as lost as we are.”
Her words resonated. Far too deeply. My parents were lost. But so was I. And I thought it was time I found myself.
Bishop cleared his throat. “This is probably a bad time for this, but—”
“You’re starving?” I guessed.
He flashed me a grin in the rear-view mirror. “How’d you know?”
“Lucky guess?” I shrugged. “Actually, so am I. I didn’t eat anything since dinner with you last night.”
“Dinner?” Laurie picked up.
“You went to dinner? Like a date? Where’d you go?”
I groaned. “Please, you two, not right now.”
“Amore Eterno,” Bishop supplied, a smile in his voice.
The jerk.
Both girls gasped.
“Fancy.”
“Did you share a pasta kiss?”
“Like Bishop would share his food with me,” I mumbled.
He nodded in the front seat. “She’s right.”
“Have you shared a kiss at all?” Henny wanted to know, poking me in my ribs.
I glared at her. “Would you cram it?”
Laurie cleared her throat. “Can we please not talk about kissing. Unless it’s about kissing Mrs. Kendrick.” She sighed longingly.
I watched Bishop frown in the mirror. “Mrs. Kendrick? The Algebra two teacher?”
Laurie nodded, dreamlike. “Isn’t she like the hottest chick you’ve ever seen?”
“Chick?” Henny busted up laughing. “She’s like forty.”
“She’s thirty-one, actually. Get your facts straight.”
“The facts are that she’s pretty, not hot.”
“How would you know? You’re not into girls. Bishop, you’re into girls, right?”
His lips quirked. “Last time I checked.”
“Is Mrs. Kendrick hot or not?” Laurie bent to stare at his face.
“Uh… I’ve noticed her short skirts a few times,” he backhandedly agreed.
Laurie clapped him on the back. “See?” She shot Henny a smug look. “Don’t mess with perfection.”
Henny rolled her eyes dramatically, still brave enough to poke fun at Laurie’s crush.
As they bickered, all I saw was Mrs. Kendrick wearing those short black skirts she always wears, her long legs in those red heels she pairs it with, and Bishop noticing. He noticed that? It made my palms burn. I rubbed them over my jeans and tried to let it go, but I couldn’t.
Bishop was a boy.
Boys noticed those things.
Even the best boys noticed those things.
But Bishop was different. He was sweet under his layers. He didn’t check older women out when they wore revealing clothing. And Mrs. Kendrick needed to grow up. Honestly. Wear a longer skirt. I crossed my arms over my chest, losing myself in Henny and Laurie’s rock, paper, scissors argument over what’s hot and what’s pretty.
Bishop pulled into a twenty-four-hour pancake house and we all got out. He hung back for me, sticking close on our way inside. The place was almost empty, and we were seated immediately in a booth. Bishop and I across from each other.
“I didn’t bring any money,” Laurie announced, eyeing the menu.
“I got it,” Bishop said, eying his own menu. “Just don’t order the lobster.”
Henny laughed, a genuine obnoxious laugh. “I didn’t know you could do that.”
“Do what?”
“Tell a joke.”
Her amazement brought a smile to my face. “He can do a lot of things you never knew he could.” I gave him a hard smile. Like check out older women in the hallway.
He frowned at me. “What’s that mean?”
I shook my head. “Nothing.”
Laurie nudged him with her elbow. “This is the point where you suggest to Ava that you both go talk in private. She’ll tell us anyway, but you have to pretend you have privacy.”
“No, I’m fine.” I blushed; the idea of telling him why I wa
s upset made me feel self-conscious. “I’m just moody.”
He rolled his eyes at my lie. “Let’s go, Ava.” He stomped off toward the front doors.
“Go.” Henny pushed me out of the booth. “I’m hungry. We can’t order until you get back.”
“Why not?”
“It’s polite.”
“Since when are we polite?” Laurie sounded dumbfounded.
I followed him outside. He was waiting for me, eyes intense.
“What’s wrong?”
“Nothing,” I sighed. “I’m being stupid.”
He waited for me to continue.
So, I did. “You really checked Mrs. Kendrick out?”
His brows plummeted and his mouth opened a little in confusion. He was trying to connect what she had to do with my mood. I could literally see his thoughts in his eyes. When he finally figured it out, his lips closed, and if I wasn’t mistaken, humor shimmered in his eyes, though he tried hard to hide it with a scowl.
“You might be the cutest thing I’ve ever seen in my life.”
I gawked. “Bishop!”
He smiled, giving me a serious face as best he could. “How about this, Ava? I won’t ever mention what I think about another girl in front of you?”
My lips snapped shut. “You won’t ever mention it? You’re still going to check them out?”
Realizing his mistake, his shoulders slumped. “No, that isn’t what I meant. I don’t even really check them out as it is. But I notice things. You can’t tell me you don’t notice things about the opposite sex.”
“How would you like it if I mentioned my ex?” I gauged his reaction.
His eyes twitched. “Ex? As in, your ex-boyfriend?”
Oh crap. I hadn’t meant to switch places. I’d just wanted him to see where I was coming from. “Mhm.”
He swallowed. Hard. “I didn’t know you’d dated anyone. I thought—” He swallowed again.
“You thought what?” I hated the look on his face. I hated that he was trying to compare the version of me he liked to the new one he’d conjured.
“Nothing. Look, I’m sorry for saying anything. I won’t do it again. All right?” He held the door open, unable to look at me.
I knew what he was feeling. I’d just felt it in the car. But his was worse. He hadn’t kissed Mrs. Kendrick like I had Josh. Feeling absolutely terrible—and mega stupid—I nodded, following him back inside.
CHAPTER FIFTEEN
Bishop
I was grateful for Laurie and Henny’s presence.
They were so animated and close, they kept the attention off me. Or at least they made it so that I didn’t have to interact much.
I ate my food mechanically. One bite of pancake at a time. Eyes mostly on my plate. I didn’t want them on my plate. I wanted them on Ava, but it was hard to look at her without glaring, and she didn’t deserve my attitude. She never had, but she definitely didn’t after the last couple days she’d had. So, I smothered my thoughts. So deep you’d think I didn’t even have any.
But I did.
I completely understood that Ava was a beautiful girl with an infectious personality and that those two combinations attracted the opposite sex. I could compute that. But I hadn’t gone as far as to imagine her… I didn’t know. We weren’t dating, but it felt like some part of me had already maybe gone there. Only, I hadn’t known it until I imagined her with a boyfriend.
I tried hard to think if I’d seen them together. I couldn’t remember and I was pissed at myself for not paying better attention. But I hadn’t known that Ava would become… Ava.
The idea of her putting her lips, the same lips she’d kissed my chest with, on some other idiot, made me feel hollow and enraged. I hadn’t even known that she wasn’t mine first. I’d never been with anyone.
I’d never put my lips, the same lips that had kissed her hair, onto another girl. But she’d kissed someone else. I could see it in her eyes when she threw it back at me, unknowing what she was even doing. And I couldn’t help thinking that maybe she’d done other things with him. Things I hadn’t done.
“Are you all right?”
Laurie shoved my shoulder and I blinked, realizing I was strangling my fork so tight it was bending.
“Dang, Hulk. Relax. Are the pancakes not good?” Henny was already reaching for them.
I stopped her with a look—angry or not, those were my pancakes. “They’re fine.”
I could feel Ava watching me. As hard as it was for me to shove down, I knew I had to get control of my emotions for her sake. If she’d dated someone else, there was nothing I could do about it now. Except for maybe kill him. I let my eyes fall on her. Her bottom lip was between her teeth and worry and pain swirled in her eyes.
She’d barely eaten, even though she’d just been hungry. I nodded at her food, trying for a calm tone. “Eat, please.”
She did.
And Laurie, obviously sensing something, engaged her in conversation.
As I paid, I was torn. I didn’t want to take her home, but I knew I wouldn’t be much company either. I wanted to do the right thing while still being myself. But they didn’t go together.
They never had.
After we dropped the girls off, and they’d all hugged and cried again—girls…—Ava crawled back into the front seat.
Silence settled between us.
It amazed me that I’d ever wanted it that way. I wanted her to tell me everything she was thinking. Even if I didn’t want to hear it.
Reading my mind, she said, “what’s going on with you?”
“Where am I driving to?” I asked instead.
She brought her bare feet onto my seat, her flip flops somewhere in the backseat. She hugged her knees to her chest. “I’m not going home. Drop me off if you want. I’d rather be alone and cold than go home.”
“I’m not going to drop you off.” Like I’d ever leave her alone in the middle of the night.
“Then let’s go somewhere. Together.”
I knew what I needed right now. It was to put my skates to the ice. But all the rinks were closed at this hour. I settled for Lake Superior. I parked my car as close as we could get. The lights from the city reflected onto the water’s surface. Amber, blue, and red blended to create a kaleidoscope of color in the dark.
“Ask me. We both know you want to.”
I looked out my window. “It’s none of my business.”
“I want to know some things.” Her voice was so soft. “If you want to tell me.”
I saved her the trouble. “I’ve never dated anyone. I’ve never kissed anyone. And I’ve never slept with anyone.” I turned to look at her huddled in the passenger seat. “Your turn.”
I didn’t know what I expected from her. Maybe for her to say she’d done all those things and more. But she didn’t. She put her hand to her chest and sagged in relief. Her eyes closed and a relieved smile lifted her full, tempting lips. “You have no idea how incredibly relieved that makes me.” Her eyes opened. “I don’t care how wrong that is. I’m happy you’re… still mine.”
I ignored the twist in my stomach. “Your turn, Ava.” I interrupted her before she could talk. Just in case she was about to break my heart. “It doesn’t matter. It shouldn’t matter. We both had lives before we started talking. And I’ll be—”
She reached over and put her hand over my mouth, stopping me. “I never slept with Josh. I’m still a virgin. It’s okay if we weren’t, but I’m so happy we are. Because I never felt for Josh in six months what I feel around you in one second.”
My reaction was worse than hers. If I were more of a man, I’d regret the half-groan, half-sigh of relief that emanated from my chest. But I was too relieved to know that if I was still hers, then she was still mine, to care what I looked like.
Our reactions also put things into perspective.
She wasn’t just my friend.
And I wasn’t just hers.
“Josh who?”
“Grantmore.” S
he gave me a disgusted curl of her top lip. “I didn’t even really like him. It made sense for us to date. That’s all.”
The name didn’t ring a bell. Otherwise, I’d have rung his. “The same way it makes sense for us not to have dated?”
That made her sad. Her eyes looked at the water. “Do we make sense now?”
I knew what she was asking without asking, even if she didn’t know it herself. Were we dating now? I didn’t think jumping into a relationship was the best idea for her. Or for me. But not being around her was the worst idea. “We’re making more sense every day.”
She smiled at the water before giving that smile to me. “Thank you for asking Henny and Laurie for help.”
Phew. We were done with that conversation. I felt like I’d battled and won and didn’t know what to do with my win. Women were exhausting, but in an it’s worth it kind of way. Or maybe it was just Ava. She wasn’t like everyone. “I wasn’t sure you wanted me to, but I think they really care about you.”
She smiled shyly. “Yeah, they do.”
I took a deep breath and then extended my hand to her, palm side up. I needed to touch her.
She stared at my hand before she placed hers in mine. I closed my fingers around hers, engulfing her entire hand in my grip. But for such a small hand, it was extremely warm and the feeling of it in mine made me feel like blurting. Twice, it almost came out, my lips opening and closing.
“What are you not saying?” she asked, placing her other hand on top of our conjoined ones.
I stared at our hands as I talked. “It feels anticlimactic to do it now, but I’m not stupid. If I sit here waiting to be ready for this, I’ll never be, and some other idiot will swoop in who knows what he’s doing and take you from me and I’ll… just… hate myself forever.” I met her honey dipped eyes and blurted it out. “I know things are hard for you right now, and the last thing you need is some loser trying to get your attention, but I want to be there for you. Need to be there for you. Even if you say no. I’ll be there. If you do say no, though, I don’t know I’ll—”
“Bishop!” she snapped. “Spit it out.”
“Will you be my girlfriend, Ava?”
The Rarity of Falling Page 13
