by Kim Smart
Kerry visited Buffalo Ridge mid-summer to check on her parents. Her father’s condition had stabilized some. He was not getting weaker and had started to gain back some weight. The neighbors pitched in, helping with the planting and harvest. Her mother’s garden was producing well. It was unusual to see the garden peppered with weeds and in need of watering. Her mother spent much of her time nursing her husband. Kerry helped weed and prune.
It was important for the Brauns to maximize their profits for the year. They hoped to avoid selling but, if they had to, they would have a better foothold by finishing with a high-yield crop. In the fall, although the market may be saturated and prices only fair, the cattle would all go to market. For the first time in thirty-some-odd years they would own no cattle. They intended to maintain their horses, for now.
Kerry tried to be positive for her parents’ sake, but she was crying on the inside. She walked around the ranch and tried to imagine someone else living here. The freedom to explore and ride the range she enjoyed growing up would no longer exist. Her precious Gypsy seemed to sense the upcoming changes. She became finicky in her eating and stayed close to the barn instead of grazing widely in the pasture. Prince was doing well, but he had taken to gnawing on the stall rails. He was bored. He roamed the pasture but was rarely ridden anymore. Kerry worried her horses would not have a home soon.
As she surveyed the landscape, a sense of foreboding swept over her. Maybe Buffalo Ridge Ranch would become part of her past out of necessity and did not hold her future after all. She felt lost.
Jesse and Kerry spent the evenings together for the few days she was home. Standing side-by-side in the dude ranch kitchen, cleaning up the dinner dishes, was comfortable. Some nights they met at Buffalo Ridge Ranch, sat on the porch and surveyed the night sky for the rare falling star. Coyotes howled in the distance. This familiar place brought comfort. Jesse’s presence eased her anxiety.
They didn’t talk much; mostly just stared off at the beauty of the surrounding lands. They breathed in the essence of one another. Kerry held on to hope that her father’s condition would turn around and they would not have to sell. Her mother was strong and positive. She encouraged Kerry to continue to focus on school. Kerry’s education and reaching her goal were critical to her parents. They wanted her to succeed and discouraged her from changing her path to help them. Her mom also discouraged her from dragging Jesse into their family concerns. She suggested it was a conflict of interest, since Jesse’s dad had placed a bid on the property. Jesse never mentioned this and, Kerry suggested, probably knew nothing about his father’s business dealings regarding the Braun ranch. If he had bid, Kerry thought it would be a fair bid. He knew the value of the property and had longstanding ties to the family.
Jesse continued to show Kerry support but, as the summer wound down, he thought about what he would do in the fall. He considered working again with Stella or trying something else entirely. Kerry would tell him to do whatever made him happy. He struggled with doubt and wondered if he was good enough for Kerry. Was he scared to be her port in the storm for fear he, himself, would end up underwater?
Jesse wrote when there was time. His thoughts and his writings turned to the future. Not next year, or the year after, but one, two and three decades into the future. He brainstormed ways to replicate portions of the ranching model Stella worked under. An idea sparked that he could also start a local Cowboy Poet’s Society. Maybe Steve could integrate readings into his chuckwagon dinner show. His mind raced with ideas. Excitement returned as he envisioned future possibilities.
By the time Kerry went back to school, she and her parents had devised a plan. Her parents would move to the nearest city before winter and they would lease the ranch house and property, for now. They could manage the payments on the equipment for a while with the lease payments coming in. They had saved and invested for their retirement so they were not without resources. The end-of-year crop and cattle sales should be good. There were several bins filled with older grain that would go to market too. Kerry was much more settled when she went back to school but she still felt as if the underpinnings to her dream were coming undone.
On their last evening together, Jesse picked Kerry up and drove south about ten miles to the big Badlands. There, they sat on the tailgate and looked out onto the rugged beauty of the place.
“Jesse, you haven’t said much. What’s going on in that head of yours? Or, do I need to read your journal?” She teased, knowing how sacred his writing privacy was to him. She hopped down and squeezed herself between his legs. Nose to nose now, she had his attention.
Jesse was lost in thought as he imagined cattle moving through the Badlands, freely grazing where the wild grasses grew. He took her in his arms and pulled her close, gently kissed her beautiful face, then her lips. His heart swelled.
“Sorry. I was thinking about cows.” He was intentionally unromantic, but honest. He wanted to be certain he had her attention. “Kerry, I love you. Someday, I hope… I hope we have a life together. Right now, we both have things to do. By my count, you have about three years of school left. That gives me time to get my shit together.”
He needed to be honest. He wasn’t ready and now, when she was vulnerable, she might want more.
“I love you too, Jesse. Thank you for being there for me this week. It’s been hard.” Kerry wasn’t disappointed. She was exhausted and looked forward to getting back to school. Work and school were easier than the rest of life sometimes.
Kerry wandered across the clay table they parked on. She gathered wild sage to dry and burn. She liked the smell and felt it cleared the air and improved her concentration. Kerry had few rituals in her life. This one brought her home in spirit and that had meaning for her.
Their final parting was sweet, filled with kisses and long hugs. They made no promises to do anything but take care of themselves. Jesse offered to be there for her parents if there was anything he could do. “I’m proud of you Kerry.” Jesse whispered in her ear. Those words meant more than anything to her in that moment. She carried them with her and called them from her memory many times over the following years.
Jesse wrote into the early morning hours. With pen to paper he brainstormed a vision for his future ranch operation. His out-of -the-box thinking brought inspiration. He woke early, after little sleep, still excited. Stella was within cell tower range and answered on the second ring. Jesse pumped her for information on alternative ranches, like the one she worked on. He needed to know who else was operating outside what they grew up with.
Stella had some ideas of ranchers he could talk to. Throughout the day his phone buzzed as new contacts came through from Stella. There were about a dozen operations she had connections with. She had already reached out to several who agreed to talk to him.
He sat at his computer that night and organized a spreadsheet with his questions across the top and the names of the operations down the left-hand side. He sent emails to each of the contacts with proposed times during the week to interview them over the phone. By the end of the following week, his spreadsheet was filled, and he had additional pages of notes from his conversations. In some strange way, not going to college was having a benefit. He was not married to book learning and allowed himself to look beyond what he had always known.
“You are the best sis!” He started a long email to his sister. A text would not suffice this time. He shared his success in reaching each of her suggested contacts. Collectively they provided immense amounts of information that gave him food for thought. He closed with a plea to visit her, not for the winter this time, just for a few weeks when she needed help. This would cover the expenses of his trip, at least. He planned to visit some other operations he learned about as well. He would share those details with her when they were finalized.
Jesse looked back over the past few years. He remembered how he was as a lanky kid, a misfit in a family of notables. Today, he knew his worth. He was a success in his own right and was launchi
ng himself on a path to expand. Kerry was his constant. Even when they were apart he thought of her, dreamed of her, and longed for her. They had reached a new place together as they each worked to better themselves. Life was good.
Stella assured Jesse he was welcome to come back. They agreed on a time when she was moving the herd and her hand was unavailable. It also just happened to coincide with a Cowboy Poet’s competition. They committed to work on another poem, drawing from work they previously started and refining it.
Jesse was gone nearly two months between his time with Stella and his visits to ranch operations in Montana, California, New Mexico and southern Arizona. He acquired draft business plans, copies of lease agreements and other materials to consult while drafting his own plan.
He enjoyed the time with Stella. She was steadfast in her work and commitment to her bosses. Stella managed to talk them into an additional twenty head on the range. She was charged with carefully monitoring the environment to ensure there was no overgrazing as a result of the increase. Jesse thought she had softened some around the edge. Her commentary was a little less biting. He couldn’t put his finger exactly on the change, but something was different.
Once again, their performance at the Cowboy Poet’s gathering was well received. Their poem featured a down-on-his-luck cowboy whose chaps were short and loops were long. His sombrero was wide and his rag too narrow. This poor cowboy didn’t fit in anywhere. Finally, he hitched a ride out of El Paso in a low rider heading for Nogales. He learned to gangsta rap and now he performs at a comedy show in Vegas. The crowd roared when they heard the rap lines in the stanza.
Chapter 16
“Oh baby, you look so fine.” Jesse was practicing lines for a new poem, standing in front of his bedroom mirror. His mirror. His bedroom. Jesse wasn’t much of a housekeeper, but as he looked around, he wasn’t disgusted. The place had a utilitarian, minimalist vibe going. His mother helped him do the deep cleaning before he moved in and his parents donated much of the furniture. It was timely for his mother to do some redecorating so they had some extra stuff.
Besides his tack, boots, and winter gear, his own belongings fit in three boxes and about twenty hangers. Two of those boxes were books. He did not posses anything soft and cozy to warm up the ambiance of his new-to-him home. Kerry sent him a house-warming gift from school. It was a stadium blanket in her school colors. The blue and yellow clashed somewhat with the burnt orange plaid couch but one day it would all come together. Today, it didn’t matter.
The one big and special purchase for himself when he moved was a writing desk. Rather unconventionally, he placed it under the picture window in the front room. There, he has the best view of the plains and the baby Badlands. He didn’t have the grandiosity of his parents’ view, but the change in perspective was good for him and his writing. His prose took on its own unique character. His voice was colorful, weaving in textures and hues from nature. He was also empathetic and courageous in his verse. The glue for his writing was humor. Not the wit that oppresses, but levity that laughs in the face of everyday life.
His acreage was small, but it was a start and it butted up against his parents’ ranch. Dad was cutting back as he toyed with the idea of retirement and had leased some land to Jesse. His parents took Stella up on her challenge and visited her over the winter. They only stayed in the Pascal area for a few days, preferring the warmer climate in the southern areas of the state, where they had snowbird friends. Stella hilariously described the confounded look on their father’s face when she told him she was the foreman for the ranch and around there they call her a cowboy. She did everything the guys do, but sometimes with more grace.
“I was tempted to tell them all about Hank too, but thought that reveal was best left under cover. There is nothing to gain by telling them I lied and deceived them and nearly found myself in a terrible situation with a not-so-nice guy. Anyway, they were content to see that I was alive and well. We even went out to dinner one night, and I brought a date.”
“No way! Tell me more.” Jesse was curious now and shocked that his parents had said nothing about this new development.
“Sorry hun, gotta run. Catch up later.” Stella was not in the mood to open that can of worms right now. What had started as a joke was turning into a nightmare for her.
Jesse struggled to decide whether to lay down roots here or take his show on the road, but ultimately decided he could do some of both. His last trip to see Stella was only three weeks long. He checked the cattle with her and helped to fix some fence, but mostly they just hung out and talked. She was more relaxed than before. They also took part in the Regional Poetry Competition; they didn’t win but made a good showing. There, amongst the boulders, the canyon and the undistilled wildness, he had a clear head for writing. He wrote and wrote into the wee hours of the morning when they were on the trail. He brought a headlamp this time. He could adjust it to reading light level, which was quite effective for writing without disturbing Stella.
Now Jesse was running his own modest herd of cattle and training horses. He had a few hundred acres of crops with plenty of hay for himself and some for sale. His lease payments were manageable and his parents were there for a cushion which he hoped he never needed. He held onto thoughts of approaching the feds about leasing some grasslands, but was happy with the size of his operation and the opportunity to pursue other interests.
His brother, Chance, was home regrouping and recuperating from injuries suffered during the last rodeo season. As he healed, he could help their parents on the ranch. The forced rest seemed to be good for Chance. He showed a new respect for Jesse and all that he had accomplished in recent years. He liked to tease Jesse about his poetry, but Jesse believed that in time he would develop a greater appreciation for that part of his life as well.
Steve followed through with his promise to bring in extra help. He got more than he bargained for when he brought in a cook who brought her young son with her, all the way from New York City. Jesse was too busy to spend much time with them but he was sure there was a story there and eventually he would get it out of Steve. Meanwhile, he was grateful not to be the dude ranch cook anymore, although he helped with trail rides and roping lessons occasionally. Vikki’s greenhouses were still running with a local gal managing that. The dude ranch business took off and Steve just couldn’t handle it all.
The one thing missing for Jesse was his life partner. He knew, finally, that he wanted Kerry to be in his life for the long haul. Jesse had pursued his own thing and while it felt great to be up on that stage and recognized for his creative work, that would not keep his bed warm at night or wash away his tears when the hard part of life came. He wanted to be building a life with someone and Kerry was the someone he knew and trusted to be that partner, long-term. He wanted to make that happen, for them.
Chapter 17
Jesse brightened when he saw Kerry’s father looking so well. He greeted him warmly with a firm handshake. Up close Mr. Braun looked older, but well. He had color back in his face and had stopped losing weight. And he looked happy and content to be back in his own home, away from hospitals and infusion centers. Although now retired, he loved being at home where he could watch the livestock and the changing colors of the Badlands.
“Come on in, son! How ya doin?” Kerry’s dad ushered Jesse into the kitchen and poured him a cup of coffee. “Whatcha up to today?”
“Well, sir, I’m here on some important business.” Jesse had written about how this moment might feel. He was anxious and excited and, well, more confident than he thought he would be.
“If it’s about the ranch, we have taken it off the market.” Kerry’s dad, feeling somewhat irritated, picked up his coffee mug and took a big swig.
“No sir, it’s not about the ranch. In fact, I am so happy to see you back here.” Jesse looked at Kerry’s father and gave him a big smile. “It’s about your daughter.”
The tension fell from Mr. Braun’s shoulders and he took a deep bre
ath. He had learned a lot about the dangers of stress and practiced meditation as part of his new healthy living program. The practice came in handy at moments like this.
“Oh, I see. What’s on your mind Jess?” Kerry’s father knew this moment was coming. The kids had finally found themselves. As Kerry was soon coming back home to start her practice, with Jesse’s help, this visit was not a complete surprise.
“Kerry and I have had quite a journey over the last few years and I would like to make it last. With your permission, I would like to ask her to marry me.” Jesse felt his hands in autonomic nervous motion. Until this moment, he hadn’t expected that Kerry’s dad might say ‘no’.
Kerry’s father furrowed his brow and told Jesse about his own bid for Kerry’s mother’s hand in marriage and how her father had put him to a test before he would agree. He had to sleep outside, by the White River, where legend had it souls would visit under the full moon and re-enact a war between the Native Americans and settlers. “So, I’ve been thinking about this and I have a challenge for you too. If you pass the challenge, you have my blessing.”
Now Jesse was nervous. What on earth could her father have in mind?
Kerry’s father continued. “There’s a fundraiser coming up for a dear old friend of mine, Albert Harnisch. Seems he went and caught himself some cancer too and he needs to have some fancy new treatment that his insurance won’t pay for. Anyway, I know your mom and dad have made some donations. I want you to come and read one of your poems at the event. Invite all yer friends on that app thingy you kids use. There will be lots of great stuff for sale and we need lots of folks showin’ up.”
