“The EMP should have given us the breathing space to pause and reevaluate our value system,” said Hadrian. “Instead, it was universal panic. Riots in Discount Super Stores, millions trampled—they barely noticed the lights going out, for crying out loud.”
“Oh here we go,” muttered Tammy. “You’re leading up to something, Hadrian. I can feel it.”
They reached the door to the bridge. Hadrian turned to Sweepy and her squad. “Here we go indeed. Ready, Lieutenant?”
She nodded and then paused to light a cigar. “Marines were born ready, sir. Scratch that. We weren’t just born ready, we were conceived ready. Scratch that. We were ready at first introductions over the watercooler. Scratch that. We were ready when Grandpa met Grandma in the immigration line. We’re so ready it physically hurts, and if we were any more ready we’d probably explode.”
“So you know what to do when you and your team bursts onto the bridge.”
She nodded. “Yep. Gun ’em all down. A real bloodbath but orders are orders.”
“No. Physically immobilize Gruk and his followers.”
“Consider it done. Immobilize, in a hail of bullets and beams and rockets.”
“Sweepy!”
She grinned. “Just having fun with you, sir. Honest. Armlocks, headlocks, toe-locks, hair-locks. Give us three seconds, sir.” She waved her team close. “All right, pick out the ones in robes and shit and introduce their faces to the floor, boys.”
“LT,” said Chambers, “can’t we do the introductions after we’ve smashed their faces into the floor? I mean, I know we’re supposed to be always polite and shit, but—”
“Okay, in that order then, Chambers. You and Stables go right—no, not now, we’re still in the corridor. Once we’re through the doorway, you and Stables go right. Lefty-Lim, you and Skulls go left. Muffy, you and me, straight up the middle. And you, Charles Not Chuck…”
“Yeah, LT? What should I do?”
“Hang back and get ready that Chokenator Furballian Mark IV in case there’s any cats or kittens.”
“Got it.”
“Ready?” Sweepy asked, her eyes narrowed to slits as she scanned her squad.
Everyone locked and loaded.
Sweepy studied them all a bit longer and then said carefully, “Okay, unlock and unload, boys. This is all hand-to-hand combat, remember?”
“But if we do that,” Chambers complained, “we can’t pose like this.” And he struck a pose with his weapon cocked. The others murmured their appreciation.
“Pose afterwards,” said Sweepy. “You know, with one foot on a head like, right?”
“Ooh,” they all murmured a second time.
“Ready? Okay, go go go!”
The squad dropped into combative crouches.
“My bad,” Sweepy said. “Captain, can you activate the door here?”
“Oh, right. Sure. Everyone ready? Here we go. I’m activating in three. One, two, three!”
The door swished open. The squad barreled in, jammed briefly in the doorway, and then were through. Shouts, bellows, screams, things crashing, bodies slamming the floor.
“Clear!” Sweepy shouted.
Trailed by Tammy, Berlant, and Beta, Hadrian entered the bridge. He looked around. “Uhm, where’s Gruk and his followers?”
The squaddies stood around, looking pleased with themselves. Eden sat at comms. There was no one else. Clearing his throat, Eden said, “Prophet Gruk took Sisters Sin-Dour, Sticks, and Tighe down to that big planet there. Brothers Blimpie, Forlich, Birk, and Morony all went to that smaller planet over there—the one God made just for them, I mean.” His lip trembled. “Nobody invited me anywhere.” He suddenly burst into tears.
“Tammy! Prepare to displace me down to the big planet—”
A speaker crackled and then Betty’s voice came over the comms. “Bridge! This is Captain Betty now in command of the Willful Child! And I—”
“Actually,” Molly’s voice spoke in the background, “you’re not in command yet. I mean, you’ve only got Engineering.”
“Shut up! Bridge? It’s me again. I’m now in command of Engineering! And we have the engines rigged to self-destruct! I’m setting the timer to five minutes! Unless you lay down all arms and announce your surrender this whole ship will explode!”
“Actually, only when the five minutes are up.”
“They know that, you idiot!”
“I just think it should be stated clearly, sir, so there’s no misunderstanding.”
“They got it, Molly.”
“Maybe you should ask them, sir, just to make sure?”
“Okay, fine. Hold on. Bridge? It’s Betty here again. You now have four and a half minutes to surrender, or else the entire ship will explode!”
“Well, a few seconds less than that, actually, since if they wait until the timer goes right down, there won’t be time to surrender.”
“Bridge! You have less than four minutes twenty seconds to comply with my demand!”
“I’m sorry,” said Hadrian, “I don’t quite understand, Betty. What is it you want again?”
“You don’t—look, it’s simple! We’ve rigged the engines to explode and we have a timer going and everything. Oh, and we overrode your override so don’t bother trying.”
“Trying what?”
“The override! We’ve overridden it!”
“But did you override the override’s override of the override, Betty?”
“What?”
“I think we did, sir. I mean, I’m pretty sure we did, anyway. Let me check. Overriding the override of the override of the override … yep, see, I checked it off on the list, right above the preset lockdown on the timer at point five—oh, sorry, sir.”
“Stupid fool! I knew I should have flushed twice!”
Hadrian sighed. “Spark, are you there?”
“Spark here, Haddie! They wouldn’t let me oxymoron the transinsinuator or anything!”
“Never mind that, Spark. What I want you to do now is employ a stun beam on both Betty and Molly.”
“Done! Now what?”
“Are the engines rigged to explode?”
“No! They faked all that, Haddie. You want me to rig the engines to explode for them?”
“Not today, Spark. Just get Collins/Dietrich and Berlant/Halasz to drag Betty and Molly to the Insisteon Chamber and beam the two Klangs down to the smaller of the two planets in front of us.”
“But what about Chief Engineer Buck DeFrank?”
“Release him, Spark, we don’t need him immobilized anymore.”
“Haddie! Custodian Units One and Two have left with Betty and Molly, but the chief engineer is still struggling on the floor.”
“Ah, right, probably a withdrawal-induced flashback. Leave him to it, Spark. And good work down there!”
“Good work! Spark did good! Run around in circle—oops. Now deactivating the self-destruct, Haddie! Don’t worry!”
Hadrian turned to the main viewer, eyes narrowing on the big planet. “So,” he murmured, “that’s where God lives, huh?”
“YES THAT’S WHERE I LIVE. GOT A PROBLEM WITH IT?”
“Tammy, displace me down to the surface, before we all go deaf, will you?”
Berlant moved to stand in front of Hadrian.
“Yes, Berlant?”
“Sir, did I hear you say Dietrich and Halasz are on this ship? But that’s impossible. I mean, who’s on the AFS Wilamena?”
“Uh, Collins?”
“Oh. Right. Whew.”
“Tammy?”
“Displacing you now, Hadrian.”
Hadrian vanished.
The speaker on the bridge crackled and then Dietrich’s voice spoke. “Uh, anyone up there? You know, that guy who called himself the captain. The ventriloquist, I mean. Uh. Well, it’s like this … can we go back to our seats now?”
The squaddies all looked at Sweepy. She shrugged. “That’s Navy shit. Not our business.”
Chambers’s eyes were wi
de. “You’re just gonna let ’em sweat, LT?”
“I am.”
Lefty-Lim leaned close to Chambers. “Yeah, she’s a hard one, isn’t she.”
Chambers shook his head. “Brutal.”
SiXTEEN
“Wow, looks just like California!”
“OF COURSE IT DOES. WHERE ELSE WOULD GOD LIVE?”
Hadrian looked around. “Whatever. So, I’m here to collect up my officers. Prophet Gruk is welcome to stay here, but I want my people back. Now, where are they?”
“BY THE POOL, OF COURSE. STRAIGHT AHEAD, OTHER SIDE OF THOSE TREES.”
“Those plastic ones?”
“THAT’S RIGHT. WATER RESTRICTIONS AND ALL THAT.”
“By the way,” Hadrian said as he made his way forward, “you’re not getting my ship.”
“WHAT MAKES YOU THINK I WANT YOUR SHIP? I HAVE NO NEED OF A STARSHIP. THAT SAID, IF IN AN IMPULSIVE GESTURE OF GENEROSITY INDUCED BY MY ETERNALLY LOVING PRESENCE YOU SHOULD DECIDE TO GIFT ME YOUR STARSHIP VIA A PINK SLIP, WHY, I’D BE MOST GRATEFUL.”
“Uh-huh.” He pushed through the plastic trees and found himself at the edge of an expansive green lawn (water restrictions my ass) beyond which was a large swimming pool and the back patio of a broad rancher. Beneath an umbrella lounged Prophet Gruk on a, er, lounger, while Tighe, Sin-Dour, and Sticks frolicked in the pool, wearing almost nothing.
Hadrian walked up, skirted the pool, and stood looking down at Gruk. “Well, here you are.”
Gruk blinked up at Hadrian. “But I saw you burned to death on a giant bonfire—wait! You must be the captain’s noncorporeal spirit! Whew. And now that you’re dead, no hard feelings, right? I mean, here you are, in paradise and all that.”
“Sure thing,” said Hadrian. “Mind standing up?”
“Why not? A firm handshake is probably in order. Here—”
Hadrian flung himself forward in a body slam, sending Gruk flying back over the lounger. The captain jumped after the man and punched him five times in the face, then added a karate chop before finishing up with a judo throw. He stepped back, his shirt torn to pieces and hanging from his gleaming, sweat-sheathed muscles, and studied the unconscious form of Prophet Gruk lying on the patio.
“That felt just dandy.”
From the pool Sin-Dour and Tighe and Sticks came rushing up. “Captain! We thought you were dead!” “Captain, we were only faking our dancing and cheering at the bonfire!” “Captain, like, your shirt—it’s like torn! And I’m like, whoah, muscles! And then—”
“At ease, Helm,” Hadrian said. “Same for you, Sin-Dour, and you too, Adjutant. Now I have to say, I’m kinda disappointed. I mean, porn and kitties?”
“It was overwhelming,” Sin-Dour said. “And then, with everyone else going gaga, there was this terrible compulsion to, well, conform, I guess. But thank goodness you’re here, sir.”
Hadrian hit his comms. “Tammy? Erase that infernal program, will you? Scrub it from every hard drive. I want my crew back, dammit!”
“Fine. But Beta’s made popcorn and we’re all watching, waiting for your dramatic confrontation with God.”
“Displace Sin-Dour, Sticks, and Tighe back to the ship, please.”
The three officers vanished, leaving behind their bikinis.
“Shit! I’m always in the wrong place!” He paused, shook his head and then said, “Hey! God!”
“WHAT?”
“Right, it’s time for you and me to have a little talk. So I’ve got this list—”
“NOT ANOTHER LIST! WHAT’S WITH YOU MORTALS AND YOUR LISTS! YOU THINK IT’S EASY BEING RESPONSIBLE FOR ALL OF YOU? HERE, CHECK THIS OUT.”
A small glittering packet fell from the sky to land at Hadrian’s feet. He bent down and picked it up. “A Super-Mach Sixteen-Blade replacement razor pack.”
“EXACTLY. BEAUTY, HUH? NOW TRY OPENING THE PLASTIC PACKAGE.”
Hadrian began struggling with the hard, thick, shrink-wrapped plastic cover.
“SEE? WHY DO YOU THINK I’VE GOT THIS MONDO MASSIVE BEARD? NOT EVEN GOD CAN OPEN THOSE FUCKING THINGS! I MEAN, WHO DESIGNED THOSE NIGHTMARES? DON’T LOOK AT ME, BUD. NO, IT WAS SOME HUMAN BEING DID THAT.”
Hadrian gave up after nearly cutting off half his fingers. “Maybe. But hey, maybe you only think it was a human being. I mean, don’t you have a nasty counterpart, the one in charge of Hell? You know, that conniving clever asshole always trying to screw you over. Impossible packaging is pretty diabolical, you have to admit. Anyway,” he tossed the package to the ground, “we have to deal with shit like that all the time. Ever try buying a laptop in one country and then trying to reregister it back in your home country? It’s fucking impossible. What do you get when you try and buy something online? Right, autodefault back to co.uk. But wait, you live in the States, or Canada, or even fucking Australia! So you phone up the assholes and if you want an accurate description of Hell, well, congratulations, you’ve just arrived!”
“I KNOW WHAT YOU MEAN. TRY CHANGING FROM CO.HEAVEN WHEN YOU WANT TO MAKE SOME QUIET PURCHASES ON THE SIDE, OR, SAY, WATCH SOME NEW SERIES ON HELLFLIX.”
“I hear you, God.”
“SO YOU THINK THIS IS THE DEVIL AT WORK, HUH? MIGHT BE RIGHT. I TRY AND IGNORE THE GUY. IT’S JUST NOT WORTH IT, ESPECIALLY SINCE YOU SENTIENTS DON’T NEED ANY HELP INVENTING NIGHTMARES TO LIVE IN—DID I SAY ‘LIVE’? WRONG. I MEANT ‘SUFFER’ AS IN SUFFERING THROUGH YOUR WHOLE LIVES, ALWAYS ANGRY, ALWAYS FRIGHTENED, YOUR EYES DARTING HERE AND THERE, PALMS ALL SWEATY. CRIPES, I HAND YOU A BEAUTIFUL GARDEN WITH REAL TREES AND BUTTERFLIES AND SHIT AND WHAT DO YOU DO? LEVEL IT FOR ANOTHER FUCKING SHOPPING MALL TO JOIN ALL THE OTHER FUCKING SHOPPING MALLS COMING OUT THE WAZOO EVERYWHERE YOU LOOK. SO HERE’S THE QUESTION: WHAT THE FUCK’S WRONG WITH ALL OF YOU ANYWAY?”
“Look, universal consciousness only works when everybody’s on the same page. But no one’s ever on the same page. So instead you’ve got all these fragmented slices of consciousness, each one stuffed into this tiny brain, none of them capable of even recognizing any other consciousness as being just as legitimate as their own, and so the whole thing turns into this giant ego-wank.”
“NO KIDDING. OKAY, SO I GUESS I NEED TO DO A RESET, HUH? I MEAN, THE WHOLE FREE-WILL THING WAS A BUST, WASN’T IT?”
“Kinda. But then, it’s the only way for an ego to maintain its delusion of being separate from everything else.”
“YOU IDIOTS. THAT’S NOT THE POINT AT ALL. NO, THINK I’LL PULL THE PLUG ON YOU LOT. THE BONOBOVERSE IS DOING MUCH BETTER, YOU KNOW.”
“No it isn’t. They beat on submissives over there!”
“AS OPPOSED TO YOU ALL BEATING UP ON EACH OTHER?”
“Look, you don’t need to pull the plug. Just some modifications to the program. You know, delete all the meatheads.”
“HAHAHA! THAT’S LIKE EIGHTY PERCENT OF THE POPULATION! TELL YOU WHAT, HADRIAN. I CHARGE YOU WITH RETURNING TO THE AFFILIATION AND TAKING THE WHOLE MESS DOWN. ARRIVE WITH THE PROMISE OF PEACE, LOVE, AND GOODWILL TOWARD ALL—”
“Oh like that worked the first time, or the second time, or the third—”
“HMMM, I’M BROUGHT TO MIND THE DEFINITION OF INSANITY.”
“You said it, not me.”
“ALL RIGHT. LET’S DO IT THIS WAY.”
Another object fell at Hadrian’s feet, this one bigger. Hadrian collected it up. “A giant gun—” he began.
“THAT’S RIGHT. THAT IS A NICEMAKER MARK XI. POINT, SHOOT, AND VOILÀ! TARGET BECOMES A NICE, DECENT PERSON, CONSIDERATE, HELPFUL, CARING, ETC. GUARANTEED.”
“—in a plastic shrink-wrap package.”
“OKAY, MAYBE THE DEVIL DID HAVE A HAND IN THIS, BUT IT’S ALL ABOUT BALANCE, YOU KNOW. TIT FOR TAT, YIN AND YANG. ALL THAT STUFF.”
“How am I supposed to open this without bleeding out?”
“OH JUST USE SCISSORS LIKE ALL THE SMART PEOPLE, DOLT.”
“Okay, now begins my one-man wave of niceness and decency. How long is this going to take?”
“EIGHT BILLION Y
EARS.”
“Can you read my mind right now?”
“SURE. I MEAN, I COULD … IF I WANTED TO.”
“Better not.”
“NO, I KINDA FIGURED THAT. ARE WE DONE HERE?”
“Are you really going to give Gruk this paradise?”
“OF COURSE NOT. THIS IS ALL A DELUSION. PROPERTY PRICES BEING WHAT THEY ARE AROUND HERE, ONLY THE DEVIL CAN AFFORD A PLACE LIKE THIS. IN FACT, HE’S DUE BACK ANY TIME, SO WE’D BETTER SCRAM.”
Hadrian sighed. He activated his comms. “Tammy? Displace me back to the bridge, please.”
He vanished.
A giant finger reached down and nudged the motionless form of Gruk. “WOW, HE LIKE REALLY PLASTERED YOU, DIDN’T HE? GOOD ON HIM, I SAY. I HATE ASSHOLES USING MY NAME IN A LIFELONG PURSUIT OF PERSONAL POWER, PRIVATE WEALTH, AND FINGER-POINTING.
“FINGER-POINTING … HEE HEE.”
Then the black limo turned in to the driveway and honked its horn and it was time for God to leave, or there’d be hell to pay.
* * *
Molly turned to Betty. “Pretty, huh? All these flowers, butterflies, and warm breeze and mild sun and those trees with luscious hanging fruit … wonder where those other guys went to?”
“Who cares?” Betty replied. He spread his hands. “Right here, I think.”
“What?”
“Buy-Betty-Buy Super Mega Store, the centerpiece to the Grand Come-In-We-Want-Your-Money Mondo Mega Mall.” He pointed a finger at Molly. “Now, get to work! We need to stake our claim to this prime real estate—oh, and do something about these butterflies, they keep tickling my whiskers and stuff. That’s what this place really needs: pesticides.”
Molly stared at Betty. “You know, if God really existed, about right now He’d—”
A lightning bolt slashed down and there was a loud BOOM! and where Betty had been standing with a proprietary air, hands on hips, there was now a small pile of ash.
The Search for Spark Page 21
