by Amy Ruttan
“I’m going to call Dr. Knox,” Ryan said firmly. “You shouldn’t be doing this exploratory laparotomy.”
“I wouldn’t have to do this if you hadn’t done what you did,” she snapped.
Ryan got angry. “You don’t know if that’s the cause. There are a lot of things that could’ve happened. His white cell count is up, it could be an infection.”
“You made a risky decision and Jason is going to pay for it!” She toweled off and headed into the operating room.
It was like a slap across the face.
She was right and he had made a bad decision that had put this boy in jeopardy. Every day that Jason didn’t regain movement made him realize that his choice, in that moment when he had first been injured, had been wrong.
You’re only human.
He entered the operating room and his stomach was in knots as Emily stepped up to the operating table. He could see her sway as she asked for a scalpel and began the surgery.
“I will take over until Dr. Knox arrives,” Ryan said firmly. “You need to leave this operating room.”
“I’m not leaving. I am the head of pediatric surgery and I’ve started the procedure.” And she had. Jason was lying open on the table.
“And I am this patient’s doctor. Dr. Knox will do the exploratory surgery and you will get out of my operating room.” He hated speaking to her so firmly.
“I will not. I have control—”
“Look, I know your Asperger’s makes it hard for to relinquish control, but you will this time. He’s my patient and you need to leave my operating room. Now!”
He regretted the words as soon as he’d said them.
He could see the hurt in her eyes. The shock of the others who hadn’t known she was on the spectrum. He’d betrayed her trust.
He was a monster.
“I’m not...” Her eyes rolled back and she collapsed to the floor.
“Page Dr. Samuel!” Ryan moved to grab her, but then Jason’s monitors went off and he had to start the surgery. If there was internal bleeding he had to put a stop to it. He couldn’t leave the patient, so he had to leave Emily, lying unconscious on the floor.
“Get her out of here and page Dr. Samuel.”
A couple of residents came in with a stretcher and laid Emily on it, placing an oxygen mask over her face as she was rushed from the operating room.
He felt like a failure as two lives were in jeopardy and he felt completely helpless.
Again.
CHAPTER THIRTEEN
RYAN HADN’T COME to see her last night.
Dr. Samuel told her he’d paged him, but Ryan hadn’t come and it was her fault. She’d snapped at him about his decision and she knew logically that wasn’t the reason that Jason had coded. She had just been angry that Jason had coded and she had been exhausted.
And she had known deep down that the day was going to be bad. The surgeries had turned out well, but she might’ve ruined things with Ryan. She’d lorded her position over him and he’d, rightfully, booted her out of his operating room. Still, what he’d said to her in front of the others had hurt. He’d betrayed her trust.
She should’ve known. She should’ve stayed away from him like every gut instinct in her body had screamed at her to do. Surgeons did not make good life partners. At least in her case. All surgeons, herself included, had God complexes. They were egotistical and some surgeons couldn’t handle a woman being in power.
She’d thought that Ryan was different.
Clearly, she had been wrong.
At least the babies had made it through the night and were stable. That was a consolation prize, but she didn’t know how Jason was doing.
She wiped away a tear and wished she could take back what she’d said to Ryan. She wished she hadn’t pushed herself too hard, because Dr. Samuel had made it clear that her maternity leave was starting now.
There was a knock on the door and she glanced over to see Ryan hovering there.
There were dark circles under his eyes and her heart sank as she thought of their patient.
“Oh, no, you didn’t lose him, did you?” she asked.
“No,” he said, but he didn’t come closer. “Part of his bowel had died and his spleen had a small tear that was fixed. Part of his bowel was resected. He should make a full recovery.”
“Good.” She expected him to come into the room and sit down next to her, but he stood in the doorway and was unable to look at her. He couldn’t handle her. He couldn’t handle her being on the spectrum, of being a head attending. He was going to leave. Just like she’d thought he would at the beginning. The problem was her heart was involved now.
Even more so.
“I’ve been called to New York.”
Her heart sank. “Oh?”
“A consult and I’m needed there.”
“You’re not staying.” It was like a stab to the heart, but it wasn’t unexpected.
“No... I can’t... I can’t handle this, Em.”
Tears streamed down her face. “I should’ve known.”
“What’s that supposed to mean?”
“You can’t handle a woman in authority either. You can’t handle that I might be a better surgeon than you. You want a demure pushover and I’m not that person. I’ve never been that person. I’ve worked hard to get where I am and...yeah, I should’ve known better than to think that another relationship with a surgeon would go well.”
“That’s not it,” he snapped. “That’s not it at all.”
“What’re you running from, then?” she demanded. “What’re you so afraid of?”
Ryan wouldn’t look at her and it broke her heart.
She was in love with him. She had never felt this way about Robert. She had been hurt when he’d turned his back on her, but this tore her in two. She loved Ryan so much, but it was better that he walk away now before their child got hurt too.
“I’m sorry, Em.”
“You’re not. It’s why you told everyone I struggle with my diagnosis. You’re ashamed about it too. Well, I’m not. Not anymore. So you did me a favor. My only mistake was letting you into my life.” Her lips trembled. “Just go. I was a fool.”
She wouldn’t look at him and she tried so hard to keep the tears from falling. She didn’t want him to see her like this, weak and exposed. Vulnerable and heartbroken.
“Goodbye, Emily.”
She heard the door shut and wept. When she looked back she saw the divorce papers, signed and sitting on the table next to her bed.
So it was done.
And she knew she was never going to love anyone else again.
All she had was her baby and that was good enough.
It would just be her and her child against the world.
The way it was supposed to be the day she’d found out she was pregnant.
* * *
You’re the worst person ever.
His heart was breaking. He had almost killed a patient with his foolhardy decision. The hypothermia hadn’t corrected the paralysis and the paralysis had caused a world of problems and more surgeries.
And then Emily had collapsed after he’d betrayed her trust and he’d thought he was going to lose them both. Dr. Samuel had told him she was on bed rest for the rest of her pregnancy. He was told the baby might come early if she kept pushing herself and he couldn’t bear the thought of losing them.
Of losing their child.
He scrubbed his hand over his face as he collected his things from the attendings’ lounge. He left his hospital identification in the locker.
You could stay.
Only he didn’t think that was a good choice. Working on children was too hard. He couldn’t handle working on broken, fragile bodies. He was going to focus on adults.
He was tired of losses.
H
e was too afraid to take any more chances with young lives.
He was too afraid that he would end up like his father.
You already have. You’re just like your father. You’re running. Always running.
What was he doing? Why was he so afraid to take a chance?
He knew the reason. He was so afraid of losing everything. He was so afraid of reliving the pain. Not just the pain of losing that child that Morgan had briefly carried but losing his family. He was so afraid of the unknown when it came to family and love.
Life was this horrible complicated thing. It came with pain and joy. He didn’t know what the future held, but he couldn’t walk away from Emily and the baby.
He loved them too much. He loved Emily so much it scared him. The way she was, all she’d had to overcome only made him respect and love her more. The thought of losing her was too much to bear. The thought of hurting her ate away at him.
He couldn’t leave.
He had been a fool for running for so long. He wasn’t going to walk away from Emily, the woman he loved. He may have hurt her, but he’d spend the rest of his life making it up to her. If she’d let him.
There was a page for Jason’s room and he set down his things and headed back there, fearing the worst but knowing he had to face the music. He’d seen the pain in Jason’s parents’ eyes, the pain in all the parents’ eyes when they thought their child was going to die. When they looked over the edge into the black abyss of death.
He’d been there.
Instead of the flurry of nurses and the sound of a code, he saw Jason’s parents crying and his stomach twisted.
Oh, God. No.
And just as he thought the worst he saw that Jason’s parents were also smiling through the tears and laughing! Ryan walked into the room to find Jason was awake.
“Doc!” Jason said. “I wanted you to see this.”
“See what?” Ryan asked.
Jason wiggled his toes on his left foot and his right foot rose a bit. “I can feel them. I can move them.”
A sense of relief washed over him.
It had worked. He hadn’t ruined this child’s life. His crazy leap of faith had saved his life. Ryan pulled out a discriminator and ran it over Jason’s right foot.
“Can you feel that?”
“Yeah,” Jason said excitedly. “Barely, but I can.”
Jason’s mother sobbed and Ryan couldn’t help but smile. “Well, it’s going to take some time, but this is a good sign, Jason. A good sign.”
Jason smiled and his mother leaned over and kissed her son.
“Thank you, Dr. Gary,” Jason’s father said. “I thought...we thought... Thank you for saving his life. That was the scariest moment of my life.”
“It’s up there for me too,” Ryan admitted.
Ryan watched the family holding each other. They were so happy. He had to tell Emily. He had to see her.
He went to her room and she was lying on her side, her back to the door. He could see a box of tissues in front of her, next to the divorce papers that he planned to tear up.
“Emily,” he said as he slipped into the room.
“Go away,” she sniffled.
“No.”
She rolled over and looked at him like he was crazy. “What do you mean, no? You’re the one who walked away from me. You’re the one who signed the divorce papers. I know I sent them to you, but that was before—”
“I know. And you’re right, I was running from something, but it has nothing to do with your work.”
“Really?” she asked skeptically.
“Really. I don’t have a problem with you being head of pediatric surgery. I don’t care that you yelled at me about my treatment plan. I don’t care that you’re on the spectrum. You’re right, we’re egotistical surgeons. We’re robots, except when it comes to the people we love. And I love you, Emily. I was just too afraid to allow myself to love you.”
“Because of your father? Ryan, you don’t have to be like him and I don’t think you could be like him.”
“No, it’s not because of him. I was afraid of losing you and losing our baby. I was afraid of losing another child and being powerless to stop it.”
Her eyes widened. “Another child?”
Ryan sat down next to her. “That relationship I was in. She became pregnant but she didn’t tell me. She was very focused on her career, as was I at the time, and she’d obviously decided that a baby was going to get in her way. I was away on a consult. When I returned it was to find that she’d left me and she had terminated the pregnancy I didn’t even know she was carrying. I wasn’t there. I wasn’t involved in her decision. It was her decision and I knew she didn’t want a baby, but she wouldn’t give me the choice. She took that choice from me. It crushed me.
“If I kept running I didn’t have to feel the pain.” His voice caught. “I’m tired of running, Em, and I’m scared about what the future holds, but I can’t keep running. I love you too much and I was a fool.”
Emily touched his face. “Yes, you’re a fool. And I love you too. I was so afraid of having my heart broken again I didn’t want to let you in, but you made me realize that love is real and possible.”
“I’m sorry I hurt you, and if you’ve already signed the papers then we can get remarried.”
“I didn’t.”
“Good.” Ryan picked them up and tore them in half. He kissed Emily on top of her head. “I love you. I love you so much it terrifies me beyond reason.”
“I love you too. I thought I could do this on my own...”
“You could.”
“But I don’t want to. I want you in my life, in our daughter’s life.”
Ryan smiled and reached down to touch her belly. “A girl.”
“Yes. Before he put me on bed rest Dr. Samuel did an ultrasound to check that all was well with the baby. That’s when he asked me if I wanted to know what we were having.”
He touched her face and kissed her. “I love you and I love our precious daughter. I have even more good news for you.”
“Oh?”
“Jason’s toes are moving.”
Emily sighed. “That’s wonderful. So it worked. I’m sorry for questioning you.”
“You’re a surgeon. It’s what we do.”
“What about the consult in New York City?” she asked.
“They can find someone else or come here. I’m taking up your chief’s offer to work here in Seattle. I like it here and I know you’re comfortable here. This is where I want to stay.”
“You want to live here and work here with me?” she asked in disbelief.
“Yes, and we can still argue if we don’t agree with each other’s treatment plans for patients,” he teased.
Emily laughed and kissed him. “I swear I’ll lay off you if you come to work here.”
“Don’t. How else are we going to have a chance to make up? Making up is the best part.” And he pulled her close, never wanting to let her go.
EPILOGUE
One year later, Seattle
IT WAS A beautiful spring day and Emily was glad to finally get out and get some much-needed vitamin D. It had been so gloomy the last few days in Seattle. Usually she liked the rain, but then again when she was working she never really paid attention to the weather.
She was still on maternity leave and when their daughter Ruth was sleeping she was bored out of her mind, watching the rain. So she was glad to see the sun.
And it would be nice to visit the hospital and see Ryan. Truth be told, Emily was itching to get back to work. So with the sunny day it was a perfect excuse to walk from their apartment and visit Ryan at work.
Their daughter, Ruth, was sleeping in her stroller, but every time Emily brought her by everyone made a fuss over her, so she never did get much sleep when they visited SMFPC.
She was glad she’d been able to take a whole year off to spend time with her. Although she did miss work, but her practice was in good hands with Dr. Sharipova having just passed his boards to become an attending at SMFPC. Her practice was well taken care of, though it had been hard to let go of her control.
She’d have it back soon enough when she returned—and, besides, right now the baby was boss!
Ryan was waiting by the front doors. He beamed at them when they entered the hospital and Emily was surprised to see him there, waiting. She’d told him that they would stop by, but usually when she stopped by with Ruth she’d have to page him, because she never knew where he was going to be.
“I thought you would be upstairs on the neuro floor?” Emily asked.
“Not today.” And he smiled like he had a secret. She hated secrets and he knew that.
Ryan bent down and gave their almost one-year-old daughter a kiss on the top of her head. “I miss her when I’m at work.”
“I know,” Emily said dryly. “Now, tell me what the secret is.”
“What secret?” he asked innocently.
“I can tell that you’re hiding something from me. You know that secrets drive me bonkers.”
“But you’re handling them so well. Remember when I flew your parents in from Salt Lake City to celebrate Christmas? You loved that.”
Emily crossed her arms. “What is the secret, Ryan? What’re you hiding from me?”
“Come upstairs to the conference room.”
“Conference room?” Now she was really curious to know what was going on.
Ryan just grinned, but he wouldn’t say anything. They took the elevator up to the top floor where there were several staff members waiting for her.
Dr. Teal, who was now a resident, gave her a quick hug and Dr. Samuel was also there. Behind him was Dr. Ruchi.
“Ana!” Emily gave her mentor a hug. “You hate traveling. What are you doing here in Seattle?”
“Well, I had to accompany some very special patients here.”
Emily’s heart skipped a beat and Ryan pushed the stroller as Ana took Emily’s arm and led her into the conference room.
