“Much too long!”
“Far too long!”
“You don’t look a year older!”
“It’s only been six months.”
The two of them separated and stood back from each other, arms-length apart as they really stared at one another, like they were examining an object and hoping to find some imperfections.
“It’s exciting, isn’t it?” said a slow, sultry voice beside me.
Surprised, I turned to see another one of the pageant contestants standing next to me. She was taller than me and had almost been whispering in my ear while she spoke.
“The start of a cruise is always exciting,” I said with a smile.
I wasn’t about to start publicly worshipping Autumn and Diana like everyone else seemed to want to do. Most of the contestants around the pool were still staring at the two women.
“Are you excited to be competing?” I asked her.
She shook her head.
“Oh, I’m not competing. I’m just here to observe this time. I’m with my coach.”
“Oh?”
She smiled at me shyly, but her dark brown eyes radiated a kind of warm confidence.
“Martin Wood. He’s one of the judges. He’s training me. He says I could be the Queen of the South one day.”
“Oh wow. Queen of the South, huh?” I said. “Why aren’t you competing though? You certainly look like you should be.”
That earned me a nice smile.
“Oh, thank you, hon,” she said in a sultry, languorous drawl. “Maybe next year. But this year, Martin is judging, and that just wouldn’t be fair to the other girls now, would it?”
“Oh, I see. Well, I’m sure you’d win if you were competing! What’s your name? I’ll look out for you next year.”
“I’m Clarissa Jones.” She raised a finger and wagged it at me. “Don’t you forget it now, hon.”
I grinned and nodded at her. I was almost tempted to ask whether she was the Clarissa Jones, but that would have been mean.
“That Diana is pretty popular, it seems,” I said, nodding my chin in the direction of the former beauty queen.
Clarissa gave me an accusatory look.
“You don’t rightly know who she is, do you?”
With an amused grimace, I shook my head. “Guilty as charged. I’ve never been around beauty pageants, I’m afraid. This is all new to me.”
Her eyebrows and the corners of her mouth raised as one, and she gripped my shoulder with a surprisingly tight grasp.
“Well, you’re in for a real treat. Diana Penn is one of the greats—some say the greatest of all time, bless their hearts—and it’s an honor just being in her presence. For all of us, I mean,” she said giving me an understanding nod. Unlike everyone else, Clarissa at least had the wherewithal to realize I wasn’t yet overly impressed with their world.
“I’ll look forward to meeting and working with her. Could I get a picture of you as well? I’m the social media manager.”
Clarissa acquiesced to my request with delight and gave me a couple of well-practiced poses. While I was taking her picture, I decided I was going to have to take some candid shots of the contestants this trip. People don’t enjoy it if every single picture looks like it was perfectly posed; they would want some ‘real’ images of the contestants as well. Then again, they could probably fake looking being caught naturally just as well as they could pose for photos.
“Well, ain’t that a pretty sight? Some people just love to ruin the mood,” said Clarissa sadly.
On the other side of the pool, there was a woman in an unflattering swimsuit berating Sam. Even from where I stood, I could see the woman poking at Sam’s chest. I had to get there quickly before Sam poked her back—or worse.
“Uh-oh. I’d better go and see what’s happening.”
“You go on over and take care of things, hon,” said Clarissa with a smile.
With a wave over my shoulder, I hurried just as fast as I could, dodging teetering contestants in heels, ducking under their outstretched selfie arms, and trying not to photobomb any of them too badly as I passed.
I just needed to make it before Sam did something I would regret.
Chapter 4
“But it’s simply unacceptable,” was the first thing I heard from the woman talking to Sam.
“There are other pools on board, ma’am, but this one is closed.”
“The brochure said that all pools outside of the VIP section were available to balcony-room customers. I demand you open it this instant!” This final command was finished with an index finger sharply prodded into Sam’s collarbone.
Sam’s own hand was in the air, and just before she could start some poking of her own, I slapped my flat palm into her half-curled hand.
“High five!” I said loudly as I did my best to subtly lower Sam’s hand back to her side. I turned and smiled at the woman. “Is there a problem?”
“My name is Ruth Allen.” She said it like it was supposed to mean something.
Looking at her, even though she was dressed in a swimsuit, she clearly wasn’t here for the beauty pageant. She was a thin woman in her forties or fifties with tight curly hair, and her face clearly was not dressed with even a trace of makeup.
The lack of makeup really stood out in contrast to everyone else—except Ethan—on the pool deck. Even Rolf and Martin had been wearing a little concealer. The fact that her swimsuit looked like it was designed for swimming rather than showing off was another sign that she definitely wasn’t here for the same purposes as everyone else.
“I expect you’ve heard of me?” When she spoke, it was with a thick New York accent.
“The Ruth Allen?” I asked with a smile. Her features softened for a moment, as though she might actually smile. Meanwhile, Sam looked at me quizzically. I knew how to play this game now.
“And what can I help you with today, Ruth?”
“I want to swim. I was told I could swim at any time during daylight hours. But this girl is telling me the pool’s closed. How can the pool be closed if we’re allowed to use it at any time? It doesn’t make any sense, I tell you.”
“I’m so sorry for the confusion,” I told her in my best customer service voice. “It’s our fault for not properly informing you. Unfortunately, this swimming pool is closed for the moment because of a very special event we’re holding.”
I gave her a conspiratorial look, trying to convey that she was actually lucky to be around the pool at this particular moment.
“There are a lot of strange people here,” said Ruth.
She was right; they were a little strange, truth be told.
“It’s quite exciting, actually. We’re hosting Swan’s first ever beauty pageant, and these are the contestants!”
“A what?” she asked, her expression aghast.
Had I misspoken? From the look on her face, it was as if I had announced that we were holding a kicking puppies and tossing kittens overboard competition.
“A beauty pageant?” I said again, now somewhat warily.
“Your cruise line is hosting a beauty pageant? For women?”
“Ye-yes...”
“Now? This year?”
“Mm-hmm,” I sounded with another nervous nod.
“I haven’t stepped through a time machine to arrive in the nineteen fifties, have I?”
“Err, no. This year. Starting right now, in fact.”
It was with some relief that I saw Autumn taking the small stage that had been set up a little way back from the edge of the pool.
“Can I have everyone’s attention? Please? Girls?” said Autumn from the stage, a winning smile on her lips. She grasped the wireless microphone confidently in one hand, looking out with pleasure at her audience.
I risked a glance at Ruth. She was staring at the stage in open-mouthed shock. Clearly she wasn’t a fan of beauty pageants. I strongly suspected that hearing the Martin Wood, the Diana Penn, and the Autumn Meadows were here wouldn’t soften her stanc
e.
Slowly everyone turned to face the stage and gave Autumn their attention. Just off the side of the stage stood Diana Penn, and quite a few people seemed to be staring at her instead of at Autumn. She was a heroine to them all from what I could tell.
“I must say, I don’t think I’ve ever seen such a beautiful crowd!”
There were happy titters and gentle clapping from the assembled competitors.
“I feel truly blessed to be on a beautiful ship, on a beautiful day, with so many beautiful people. Some people say that beauty is only skin-deep, but I say it’s much more than that!”
There was more happy clapping.
“It’s not just our skin—it’s our eyes, our teeth, our hair, our makeup, our nail polish, our dresses, and swimsuits and shoes!”
Cheers rose up from the audience at her rousing speech. I could have poked a few holes in it myself, but it looked like Ruth was ready to do that and then some. She was still staring in open-mouthed shock at Autumn’s words.
“I say to you girls, every one of you deserves admiration just as much as a Nobel Prize winner, industrial CEO, or national leader.” She paused for more cheers. “We work harder than anyone on this planet to turn ourselves into the glamorous and beautiful role models that we truly are!”
While the audience couldn’t stop clapping now, there was one exception. Ruth Allen couldn’t have looked angrier if she had tried. She nudged me on my arm.
“Unbelievable! Are you listening to this? You’re not one of them, are you?” said Ruth urgently in my ear.
I shook my head at her. I was rather enjoying the speech, ridiculous though it was.
“We’re here to hold the first ever Swan Beauty Pageant, at which we will crown the first Swan Queen of the Gulf of Mexico!”
The crowd was really into her speech now, some even hooting and hollering woops of approval.
“We’re all already winners in the lottery of life with our fantastic good looks, but there will only be one Swan Queen, I’m afraid. I know all of you—and me and the other judges—would all be worthy recipients of the crown, but only one of you talented, beautiful people is going to win it.”
The crowd responded with a mixture of sadness at the possibility of not winning, along with more excited woops at the possibility of being the one and only Swan Queen.
“What a load of absolute bull—”
I didn’t catch the end of what Ruth was saying as she was now speaking to herself rather than me, and she was already marching over to the stage. I felt a jab in my side and turned to see Sam staring at me.
“She’s going to do something!”
“Yes, I think she is,” I said as I began to hurry after her.
As Ruth approached the stage, I stopped to watch. I didn’t want to run onto the stage after her and cause a scene. In retrospect, I probably should have. But even if I had, I don’t think it would have made much difference to what actually happened.
“Oh!” said Autumn in surprise as the middle-aged lady clad in a swimsuit jumped up onto the stage and headed straight for her. “What… who… Argh!”
Ruth didn’t even bother trying to reason with Autumn. She just snatched the microphone out of her hand and stood at the front of the stage, staring out at the crowd. She certainly had everyone’s attention.
“You women—not girls, women—should be ashamed of yourselves!” She paused, staring out at them.
“Why?” called a confused voice from the back.
“You have brains! You have talents! You have skills! You have so much to give the world, and what are you doing? What is this?”
“A beauty pageant,” called out another confused voice.
Autumn hovered next to Ruth, one hand outstretched like she was about to try and snatch the microphone back, but was hesitant to do so. Ruth certainly was an intimidating figure so I understood her reluctance.
“A beauty pageant? What is a beauty pageant? Why do you want to degrade yourselves just so that men can ogle you?”
“Actually, most fans of pageants are women!” called Rolf from the side of the stage. Ruth briefly looked at him, gave a withering shake of her head, and turned back to the crowd.
“You’re so much better than this!”
“Can’t be better than the best!” shouted another heckler.
Diana Penn took the brief pause in Ruth’s speech to climb up onto the stage, her crown still firmly in place.
“Off with you!” shouted Diana, trying to reach for the microphone past Autumn.
Ruth twisted away and held the microphone with two hands up to her mouth.
“Look at this crowned Barbie doll. She doesn’t even realize what she’s become!”
“GIVE ME THAT!” shouted Diana. As she yelled, her voice dropped, and the microphone picked it up and broadcast her threatening yell all around the pool, the surprising deepness of her voice causing a murmuring among the crowd.
While Diana reached for the microphone, Ruth held it behind her back with one hand, and with the other she quickly snatched the crown off of Diana’s head.
“She’s no beauty queen! She’s a traitor to women!” Ruth was huddled over the microphone protectively, but thanks to the speakers, everyone heard every word of what she said.
“Give me that!”
But Ruth didn’t give Diana back her crown. Instead, she tossed it high and hard. Every pair of eyes around the pool deck stared as the crown flew through the air, glittering and sparkling as it caught the sun’s rays during its brief but spectacular journey.
But what goes up must come down. The crown landed next to the pool with a snap as one of its points broke off. It continued its journey by bouncing on the pool edge, and then landing in the water with a loud splash. For a moment, it looked like it was going to float, but then it disappeared below the surface of the pool to the sound of gasps and cries.
“My crown!” shouted Diana, lunging for Ruth again who skillfully twisted and dodged out of the way of the angry former beauty queen.
Before the two women could get into a serious fight, Ethan Lee was on the stage, placing himself between them and quickly getting one hand on the microphone.
“...should drop out! ...outrage!”
There was the sound of scuffling, and then the speakers went silent as Ethan managed to switch off the microphone.
Holding Ruth by her elbows, he half-escorted and half-carried her off the stage.
When Ruth was safely removed, there was a polite round of applause from the crowd. I couldn’t help but think they’d all been admiring how nice he looked in his white uniform. No doubt First Officer Hot Stuff was going to have a few more admirers after the way he had handled her.
“Now that was exciting,” said Sam.
“Yeah. Goodness. Where’s Kelly?” I asked.
Sam laughed and shook her head. “She went inside the second Ruth went onto the stage.”
“Oh?” I asked, confused.
Sam shrugged. “She can’t handle conflict. Didn’t you notice?”
I thought about it. That did explain a few things.
“I suppose we’d better take care of everything until she comes back then.”
Sam gripped my arm. As one troublemaking woman was removed, another appeared to take her place.
“Look, I think we’re going to be needed.”
Diana looked like she was about to lay into Autumn.
“I think you’re right...”
“I should have known not to trust you!” shouted Diana at Autumn. “You never amounted to anything. I should have known you couldn’t run a cruise pageant!”
“How dare you!” screeched Autumn. “You’re an old has-been!”
It was interesting how quickly the perfect veneer could become transparent among these women and reveal the ugliness underneath.
Rolf appeared by Autumn’s side and, after giving a strange look toward Diana, led her away from the traumatized de-crowned beauty queen.
“She’s in shock,�
� I heard him saying to her softly as he led her past me toward the inside of the ship.
Diana was looking around angrily, as if searching for someone to blame. Her eyes locked onto me.
“Where’s the security! She could have stabbed us!”
With an embarrassed smile, I faced Diana.
“I’m so sorry that happened. She wasn’t supposed to be in this area of the ship. But security did remove her from the stage.”
I thought Ethan had done rather well, considering the circumstances.
“She should have been shot!”
“I think that’s a little harsh, no?” I said as nicely as I could.
Diana glared at me. “Or tasered at the least. Crazy old witch. She never would have made it past her first pageant.”
I suspected Ruth had never wanted to participate in a first pageant, but Diana seemed to come from a different world from us normal folk—a world in which every woman wanted to be a beauty queen.
“Excuse me? Diana?” said Martin, walking toward us. Right behind him was the girl with the Southern accent who I’d been speaking to before, Clarissa.
“What do you want?” she asked with an angry frown, though her tone did seem to be softening just a touch.
“I think it’s a little unfair to blame Autumn, or even the ship’s staff. You know what those crazy feminists are like. Remember Toledo? And Jacksonville? And what about Charleston ’92?”
Diana seemed to consider his words for a moment and finally gave a curt nod.
“Yes, I suppose they are an unpredictable bunch of ugly, crazy, jealous, old busybodies.” She shook her head to herself and smiled. “I shouldn’t let them get to me, should I? It’s one of the hazards of the best job in the world.”
“That’s the spirit,” said Martin.
Diana looked over Martin’s shoulder at Clarissa, ran her eyes up and down her, and then returned her gaze to her fellow judge.
“Who’s that?”
Despite the rudeness, Clarissa didn’t seem to mind. From my perspective, Diana had just sized her up like a piece of meat and then, like she wasn’t there, asked Martin about her.
“This is one of my young proteges. She’s not competing—she’s just here to learn. Next year, though...”
Beauty Queens and Cruises: A Humorous Cruise Ship Cozy Mystery (Cruise Ship Cozy Mysteries Book 4) Page 3
