She walked out of the door and into a hallway, followed the hallway to door at the end, and made her exit.
Lilith moved along the walkway, her sandaled feet tapping a light, staccato rhythm against the ground. As she walked to nowhere in particular, her mind went back to Clarissa’s words: search for the place within yourself that belongs to Christian. What did that mean? How could she “search for a place within herself?” Was there someplace inside of her that would help her find Christian? Like a metaphysical place? And how could she find this place? How could she look within herself when she didn’t even know what that meant?
Stopping with a sudden abruptness, Lilith turned to face the railing. She placed her hands it and leaned forward, taking in the sights of the cavern. It really was very pretty, the lights from overhead crystals reflecting off the pool, steam rising from the surface of the water, and several walkways and buildings resting on top of the lake while more buildings sat along the shore, presenting a strange yet placid picture.
While she admired the scenery around her, Lilith tried to puzzle out Clarissa’s words.
Search within myself. Search within myself. I don’t get it. Does that mean I’m supposed to meditate or something?
Lilith had never done any kind of meditation. Was that what those old Yoga masters did? Sit with their legs and bodies crossed in strange pretzel shapes with their eyes closed while humming soft hymns? That didn’t sound like something she could do. Lilith wasn’t flexible enough to bend herself into a pretzel.
But then, maybe she didn’t need to contort herself into strange shapes. Maybe all she needed to do was close her eyes and try to... feel out Christian’s presence? Something like that. She had nothing to lose by trying.
And so, Lilith closed her eyes and tried to search inside of herself. She didn’t know if she was doing it right―she didn’t even know what she was doing, but she tried anyway. With her sense of sight shut off, her other senses became enhanced. She could smell a strange, almost acidic scent, sulfur maybe? From the lake? She shook her head, willing those sort of extraneous thoughts away. Her others senses also seemed to have picked up more than they normally would: the feel of cold stone underneath her palms, the heat from the steam that wafted off the lake in plumes, the sound of falling water. There must have been a waterfall somewhere inside the cavern.
After a time, even her five senses seemed to disappear. Lilith was about to panic and open her eyes again when she felt something strange, something foreign. She didn’t know what it was, but it felt like it was a part of her yet at the same time not. This anomalous sensation, a strange swelling inside of her chest, felt familiar, but it was also an alien feeling, known yet unknown. What was it?
She began to walk, and the sensation got stronger. Deciding to follow it, she moved along the walkways and buildings, turning when the sensation intensified and moving backwards when it grew weaker. As she continued to follow the feeling, Lilith eventually came to a stop in a familiar hallway, in front of a familiar door. This was the door to the room where she and Christian had woken up in.
She paused, just for a moment, and then opened the door and walked in.
Christian was there, sitting on one of the chairs in front of the coffee table. His eyes were sightless, unseeing as they stared at nothing. There was a glazed over quality to them, the kind he had when his eyes were open but not being used. He was thinking about something, perhaps an issue that had come up during the battle against the goblins, or maybe an old problem that cropped up and needed a new solution.
Blond locks shimmered as Lilith shook her head. Whatever his problem was, it would not be solved by simply standing there, looking like an idiot.
She walked over to him, stopping right in front of his chair.
“Christian?”
He didn’t answer. He didn’t even blink. Whatever he was thinking about must have been deep if he didn’t even hear her.
“Christian?”
Lilith tried calling his name a few more times, even speaking up a little louder each time. No matter how much she called, she couldn’t seem to reach him.
She felt her cheeks swelling with air. If he was going to ignore her, then it looked like it was time to take more drastic measures.
Moving up to the chair, Lilith sat herself right on Christian’s lap, sitting so that she was facing him, her legs straddling his thighs, her arms wrapping around his neck. This finally seemed to get a reaction out of the young man. He blinked several times, his red and green eyes snapping back into focus before they landed on her.
“Lilith...” he murmured, his voice sounding weak.
“Hey.” Lilith smiled at him, pulling one of her hands back to cup his face. “Are you okay?”
“Maybe. I’m not sure.”
“You’re not sure?” The smile turned into a frown. “Did something happen?”
Christian sighed. “I was just talking to Andrew about something, and it made me think. Did you know that he’s a werewolf?”
“I did not,” Lilith said, not bothering to contain her surprise? She didn’t know much about Andrew, but he didn’t strike her as the type to get all furry and violent when the full moon was out. Then again, that was sort of the point, wasn’t it? If you could tell someone wasn’t human just by looking at them, then the Executioners wouldn’t have such a hard time finding targets to kill. It would also make blending in with humans impossible.
It would also bring a whole lot of problems that she didn’t want to think about. The term “opening up a can of worms” felt too clichéd, overrated, and not even close to describing the problems that would be unleashed if humans could tell when someone was not human at a glance. She could only imagine the panic that would spread.
“So what’s bothering you about that?” Lilith asked, getting the conversation back on track. “I know you were an Executioner, and that you sort of killed people like Andrew... and me, but...”
“That’s exactly the problem,” Christian said, his shoulders slumping and his eyes losing a bit of their spark. “I used to be an Executioner. I spent years slaying all manner of supernatural beings: demons, vampires, werewolves, trolls, ogres, goblins, and mythological creatures of all kinds. I can no longer count the number of lives I’ve taken. And now I can’t help but wonder if any of the people I killed truly deserved to die. How many innocent lives did I claim during my time as an Executioner?”
Lilith remained silent as Christian began to unload his troubles and worries. Her mother had once said that it was better to talk about the things that bother you, get them out into the open where someone you trust could help you get through them, instead of locking them away. Bottling things up only ensured that your emotions would explode when there was too much negative energy inside to be contained anymore. Christian needed this.
“Andrew told me about his past, about how he, his friends, and the woman he loved had gained control over their werewolf transformation and tried to make a living as street performers. They never harmed anyone, well, never harmed anyone on purpose. I imagine they had all killed a few people before gaining mastery over their transformation. Andrew did, at least.” Christian paused, then sighed. “Either way, none of them harmed another living soul after that. They just wanted to live their lives the way they saw fit, and they had been until the Executioners found them.”
Lilith sucked in a breath. She still didn’t know much about the Executioners, but Christian had told her enough about them to know that nothing good was going to come from this story.
Christian must have sensed this because he gave her a sardonic smile laden with self-loathing. “I don’t really think I need to tell you how this ends, do I?”
“No,” Lilith whispered, shaking her head. “You don’t.”
“All this time, I thought I was doing the right thing, but Andrew’s story made me think, really think about what I had done. And now I find myself asking questions I never thought to ask before. Did any of those people I killed deserve
to die? How many of them had truly been evil? How many had families? How many people lost fathers, brothers, sons, mothers, daughters, and sisters because of me?” Christian gritted his teeth, and for the second time since she had known him, Lilith saw true conflict in his eyes. “I keep thinking about this and I... I realize that I’ve become the very thing I swore to destroy; a monster.”
As the first tear fell from Christian’s eyes, Lilith found herself frozen in shock. Christian a monster? What kind of nonsense was that? The very idea that he could be a monster, or even a person with evil in his heart, was utterly ridiculous.
It was only after taking a second to think about it that she understood how he must be feeling. Christian was a young man who lived by a strict code of morals. Every action he committed was because he thought it was the best thing to do. When he joined the Executioners and began slaying supernatural beings, he had only done so because he believed it was the right course of action, because he thought that by doing so, he was protecting humanity from the threat of creatures that far surpassed them in power.
And now he was finding out that he had been wrong. That even if there were some beings out there that would gladly harm humans, not every werewolf or vampire or whatever that he came across was going to be like that. It was a revelation that had started with her, but it was only now truly hitting home.
She suspected that the reason for this was due to Andrew not being someone he was intimately familiar with. It was probably easy for Christian to forget that she was a succubus. Lilith doubted the young man saw her as anything other than the woman he had fallen in love with. Now he was confronted with someone else who wasn’t human but who also wasn’t evil, and he was being forced to reevaluate everything he’d ever done.
“Come here,” Lilith whispered, her voice soft, gentle, and filled with all the compassion and love she had for him. She wrapped her arms around Christian’s head and pulled it down to rest lightly against her chest. She reached up with one hand and began to stroke his head like her foster mother had done for her so many times.
Christian didn’t resist. Like a child seeking comfort from a strong adult, the young man buried her face into her chest. He wrapped his arms around her back and pulled her body as close to him as humanly possible.
The front of Lilith’s shirt soon became soaked. The wetness near her chest began to spread across to the rest of the fabric. She ignored the chilling cold that came with it, as well as the way her shirt clung to her body. Every bit of her attention was focused on helping Christian.
“Don’t worry, Christian,” she said in a voice that was reminiscent of wind chimes. “You are not a monster, and you never will be. It’s thanks to you that I’m still alive. You saved me. Those are not the actions of a monster. You have been here for me ever since we first met. Now it’s my turn to be here for you.”
Alone in the room, Lilith continued to hold Christian as he wept.
***
It was later in the evening, and Lilith found herself lying in bed, spooning against Christian’s larger frame. The young man had used up a lot of energy upon releasing all of his pent-up thoughts and emotions. Having drained himself dry, Christian had fallen asleep almost before Lilith even managed to get him in the bed.
He’d been asleep before his head even hit the pillow.
Unlike her mate, Lilith had not fallen asleep. Oh, she was a bit tired. Watching the love of her live shed tears like he’d done exhausted her emotions, too. Maybe it had something to do with being a succubus, but she could have sworn she was able to feel his emotions as he cried; his sorrow, his sense of self-loathing, the rage he felt at being used to take innocent lives. There was a lot of repressed negativity inside of him, like a storm that had been building for years without anyone even noticing.
Lilith wondered if that storm had disappeared, or if it had merely subsided and was just waiting for the time it could come back with vengeance.
She hoped it was the former.
Lying on her side, her front pressed up against Christian’s back, Lilith buried her nose into messy raven locks.
Christian had not taken a shower before going to bed. He smelled of sweat, metal, and blood, a coppery tang that was rather unpleasant all things considered. For some reason, the scent didn’t bother Lilith very much, or at all. It was repugnant and disgusting, yet she didn’t care. Beneath the odor that came from someone who’d shed the blood of others in combat was the fragrance of the man she had come to love. Nothing else mattered.
Yet Lilith knew she could not stay there. Now that Christian was asleep, there was something she had to do. It wasn’t something she intended to hide from him, nor something she planned on keeping a secret, but it was, nevertheless, important that she make this choice on her own.
Unwinding both her arms and legs from Christian’s body, Lilith carefully crawled out of bed. She paused when her bare feet hit the carpet, her toes clenching at the feathery soft feel as the strands of fabric wove between her toes. It felt so nice...
Lilith shook her head. Honestly, getting distracted by carpet of all things!
She grabbed her sandals and put them on, then exited the room.
Lilith was not exactly sure where she was going, or even where she wanted to go. She wandered the halls and down the walkways, searching. The night was late. Even though she could not see the sky, the lack of light being refracted off the cavern walls gave the late hour away. According to Clarissa, those crystals reflected sunlight that streamed in through small cracks in the ground.
She eventually arrived at the hospital, having not found anywhere else she could think to go.
Fortunately, the person she was looking for was there.
“Lilith,” Clarissa greeted the younger woman with a nod. “I somehow get the feeling you’re not here to visit the patients. I take it there is a reason for you to be seeking me out at this late hour? Do you wish to learn more about your mother, per chance?”
Clarissa was sitting on a chair next to the young, red-haired woman Lilith had seen her helping before. The other women was asleep, and she was tenderly stroking her hair like a mother would do for a daughter.
Lilith paused. “Yes,” she admitted after a moment’s hesitation. “But not right this minute.”
“I see.” Clarissa stopped her tender ministrations to the young woman, who released a mild whimper of complaint. Hearing this, the oldest among them shook her head, and then resumed her hair petting. The redhead sighed and relaxed. “If you are not here to learn more about your mother, then I am going to go out on a limb and say you wish to learn about the powers we succubi have at our disposal?”
“Yes.”
“May I ask why?” Lilith stared at the woman, confused. Clarissa must have seen this, because a second later, she spoke again. “What I mean is, why do you wish to learn how to use your powers? What is your reason for wanting to learn them?”
“I...” Lilith started, then stopped. After another moment, she began again, choosing each word slowly, as if afraid of saying the wrong thing. “From the moment Christian and I met, it has always been him who had to save me. When a No Life King I once made contact with years ago came to claim me against my will, it was Christian who rescued me and fought against Damien. Even then, he almost died. And when we ran to try and escape pursuit from the Executioners, it was Christian who protected me, fighting them off and nearly dying several times in the process.”
Lilith clenched her hands so hard that her arms shook.
“So far, every single time we have been confronted by something dangerous, it was Christian who was in the lead, taking me by the hand and guiding me along, shielding me from harm. I didn’t question it at first. I think a part of me was just too happy to have someone who cared about me so much. But, as the danger we found ourselves in began to escalate, I found myself growing more and more worried for his safety, and I... I can’t help but feel useless. Day after day, he risks his life for mine, but I can never do anything to help
him.”
Shuddering from her head to her toes, Lilith tried to center herself.
“I don’t want to be that person anymore. I don’t want to be the girl who constantly needs to be rescued. I want to be able to stand side by side with Christian, not behind him, staring at his back as he braves the dangers that threaten to consume us.” Lilith looked at Clarissa, her eyes narrowed in determination and her feelings laid bare. “I want to protect Christian just as much as he protects me.”
Clarissa stared at her for a long moment. The woman’s eyes contained within them a wisdom that Lilith had never seen before. It was only now, as she gazed into this succubus’s dark eyes that Lilith realized just how old this woman truly was. She may look like she hadn’t aged past twenty-one, but she was likely three or four times the age of Lilith herself, maybe even older than that.
“Your intentions are pure,” Clarissa said after several moments of silence had passed. “I can see that your only desire is to keep your mate safe, to stand at his side instead of standing behind him and letting him protect you. That is good. Had you come to me wanting to learn how to wield the powers of a succubus for any reason other than the one you just stated, I would have turned you down.”
It took Lilith a moment to process Clarissa’s words, but when she did, her eyes widened. “You mean...?”
“Yes, starting tomorrow I will begin training you in how to use the power granted to us succubus.”
“Thank you very much.” Lilith bowed to the woman, partially in gratitude but also to hide her relieved tears. She was finally going to become useful to Christian. No more would she have to hide behind him, helplessly watching him bleed for her. This time, she would be the one protecting him. “I won’t let you down. I―wait.” Lilith paused in her celebration, her exuberance dying down. She looked at the woman, frowning. “Why tomorrow?”
“You want to start now?”
“Uh,” Lilith suddenly looked unsure of herself. “Yes?”
“Lilith,” Clarissa’s tone was patient, but held a touch of exasperation. “You do know what time it is, don’t you?”
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