AND NOT A CRACKER-PLEASIN’-SEAL NIGGUH
HE WRITES HOW OUR PEOPLE FEEL
WITH HIM AT THE WHEEL;
NIGGUH, WHAT CAIN’T WE DO?
THOUGHTS 4–6:
’CAUSE TYLER PERRY WRITES REAL LIFE
THOUGHTS 1–3:
TYLER PERRY WRITES REAL LIFE
ALL THOUGHTS:
HE WRITES STORIES WE CAN SWALLOW LIKE POPEYES CHICKEN AND BISCUITS
THOUGHT 2:
HE WRITES STORIES WE CAN FOLLOW LIKE WE FOLLOWED THE DRINKING GOURD
ALL THOUGHTS:
HE WRITES STORIES ‘BOUT FAT (UH-HUH) BLACK WOMEN WIT’ WEAVES (UH-HUH) FINDING LOVE AND REDEMPTION
WIT’ MUSCLE-BOUND BLACK MEN WHO OWN THEY OWN BUSINESS AND TRULY LOVE THE LORD! AND TRULY LOVE THE LORD!
SO IF YOU WON’T FOLLOW THROUGH, NIGGUH
I’LL SMDH AT YOU, NIGGUH
THOUGHT 3:
’CAUSE I’M JUST A SOMEBODY
TRY’NT TO TELL EVERYBODY
THAT YOU AIN’T NOBODY, NIGGUH, SO GET OFF THE STAGE!
THOUGHTS 1–2, 4–6:
THOUGHT 3:
AND LET TYLER PERRY WRITE REAL LIFE!
’CAUSE TYLER PERRY WRITES REAL … LIFE … OOH …
AND LET TYLER PERRY WRITE REAL LIFE!
’CAUSE TYLER PERRY WRITES REAL … LIFE …
(À la Good Times:)
YEAHHHHHHH …
(All but Harriet Motherfucking Tubman exit.)
USHER: But his plays are worse for Black people than dia-fuckin’-betes!
THOUGHT 2: Diabeetus or not, he givin’ niggas jobs and making niggas money, Usher. Money!
USHER: But “the master’s tools will never dismantle the master’s—”
THOUGHT 2: Find me Audre Lorde’s dead bull-dyke ass on a map today. Now say sumpin’ else.
USHER: Okay, okay, fine. I’ll do it. But only for the money. And Mom. And Dad. And the ancestors.
THOUGHT 2: Good. ’Cause we the ones whose approval really matters.
(Vigorously rubs her index finger back and forth against her knuckle) ’Cause o’ dis. Ain’t no “inner white girl” ever gonna let you get away from dis.
(Harriet Motherfucking Tubman exits. Usher takes a moment and then:)
WRITING A GOSPEL PLAY
USHER:
WRITING A GOSPEL PLAY!
WRITING A GOSPEL PLAY!
WRITING A GOSPEL PLAY!
’CAUSE THAT’S WHAT THE PEOPLE WANT!
Okay. Show title: Show Me How to Pray. A … spiritual urban drama.
(The Thoughts enter as the Quasi-Africana Church of God in Christ Choir.)
ALL THOUGHTS:
JUH-ESUS NUH-EVER FAILS
AS LONG AS YOU KEEP PRAYIN’
JUH-ESUS NUH-EVER FAILS
YOU THINK MY ASS IS PLAYIN’
(The Thoughts exit. Usher takes center stage to improv a gospel play.)
USHER (As Aint Pattie): Shenithaaaa! Michelllllllle! I done made some “tata salaaaad”! C’mon now! I done put my foot in ’nis!
(As crazy Cousin Shenitha) UH OH AINT PETTIE!!!! I LUHHHHHH ME SOME “TATA SALAD” NAH AND I’M HONGRY AS HIZ-ZELLLLL!!!!!!!!!
(As Aint Pattie) Yo’ fass behine ain’t hongry for nuthin’ but a crack rock and a stripper pole! Guhl, go wash yo’ hand!
(As crazy Cousin Shenitha quoting The Real Housewives of Atlanta) AINT PETTIE, ONLY GAWD CAN JUDGE ME AND HE SEEMS QUITE IMPRESSED SO DON’T COME FOR ME HAHAHAHA UNLESS I TWIRL FOR YOU!!!!
(As Aint Pattie) ‘Chel? What wrong, baby? You ain’t eatin’ up ya “tata salad.”
(As Michelle) Oh, Aint Pattie. How can I eat “tata salad” when there’s no ring on my finger?
(As crazy Cousin Shenitha) MICHELLE GRRRRRRL YOU NEED TO FORGET ABOUT THAT RING AND LEARN HOW TO DROP IT LIKE IT’S HOT! HAHAHAHA!!!!!!
(As Aint Pattie admonishing crazy Cousin Shenitha) Fix it, Jesus.
(As Michelle in a depressed stupor) I did everything I was supposed to. I stayed in school? I kept my legs close? I was faithful and paid my tithes and offering because Mark 12 and 17 says, “Render to Caesar the things that are Caesar’s and to God the things that are God’s.”
(As crazy Cousin Shenitha) GAWD SAY, “BITCH BETTA HAVE MAH MONEY RIGHT CHEA!” HAHAHA!
(As Aint Pattie) Guhl if you don’t saddown I’ma pop you in the face wit’ one o’ my world-famous Pattie pies!
(As crazy Cousin Shenitha) DID SOMEBODY SAY PETTIE PIE? I’M HONGRY AS HIZ-ZELLLLL HAHAHAHAHA!!!!!!!!!
(As Michelle) I wore flesh-colored stockings? I got a perm? Then a wig that I put on top of the perm as a protective style? I became a high-powered vice president of a bank? But I’m still so, so lonely!!!!!!
(As Aint Pattie comforting her) Oh, baby! Rest yo’ head on Aint Pattie bosom.
(As Michelle) When is it my turn to walk into a room and say, “I’s married nah, Miss Celie!”?
(As Aint Pattie very serious) Well, have you prayed?
(As Michelle earnestly pouring her heart out to Aint Pattie) I get down on my Black knees every night!
(As crazy Cousin Shenitha being triflin’ for no reason) I KNOW WHAT I DO DOWN ON MAH BLACK KNEES GURL!!! MMKAY???
(As Aint Pattie teaching/preaching an important lesson) Well, if you getting down on your knees and the Lord idn’t blessin’ ya the way ya think he ought to then …
MAYBE YOU DON’T KNOW HOW TO PRAY
ALL THOUGHTS:
MAYBE YOU DON’T KNOW (HOW TO PRAY)
USHER:
MAYBE YOU DON’T KNOW HOW TO PRAY
ALL THOUGHTS:
MAYBE YOU DON’T KNOW HOW TO PRAY
USHER:
IN TIMES LIKE DEEZ YA GOTTA GET DOWN ON YO’ KNEES
AND ASK HIM FOR THE WORDS YOU SHOULD SAY
ALL THOUGHTS:
ASK HIM FOR THE WORD, YEAH!
USHER (As Aint Pattie):
And I know you feel like your Cousin Shenitha doin’ better ’n’ you ’cause she be out there prostitutin’ herself to all these mens who be touching her on the vagina. And I know you feel like your Cousin Shereé doin’ better ’n’ you ’cause she got the money to build herself a chateau in Atlanta but remember Proverbs 31 and 10 says: “Who can find a virtuous woman? For her price is far above rubies,” so keep your knees bent in prayer and the Lord thy God will send you a light-skinded man with no education who will put you in the split-level mansion of your dreams, Chel!!!!!!
ALL THOUGHTS (On loop):
PRAY! PRAY, PRAY! PRAY! PRAY-PRAY! PRAY!
THOUGHTS 5 AND 6:
YOU GOT TO …
ALL THOUGHTS:
PRAY!
PRAY! PRAY, PRAY! PRAY!
PRAY-PRAY! PRAY!
THOUGHTS 5 AND 6:
YOU GOT TO …
PRAY! PRAY, PRAY! PRAY!
PRAY-PRAY! PRAY!
USHER (As Michelle):
AINT PATTIE, ALL I REALLY WANT IS A RING
ALL THOUGHTS:
RING!
USHER (As crazy Cousin Shenitha):
MAYBE THE DEVIL GOT YO’ ASS IN A SLING;
HAHAHAHAHA!
ALL THOUGHTS:
SLING, SLING, SLING …
USHER (As Aint Pattie):
ON DAYS LIKE DEEZ IT’S LIKE YOU TRAPPED ON A TRAPEZE AND YOU
THOUGHTS 3–6:
DAYS LIKE OOH …
THOUGHTS 1 AND 2:
YEAH, YEAH, YEAH, YEAH, YEAH!
USHER: Don’t know what these dumb-ass paper doll “characters” should sing!!!!!!!
ALL THOUGHTS:
JUH-ESUS NUH-EVER FAILS …
USHER (Waves away the Thoughts): Enough! Shut up! I gotta get my Black ass to work!
(Usher rings the intermission chimes. Thought 1 waves at Usher, trying to get his attention.)
THOUGHT 1: Usher! Excuse me, usher! How many minutes ’til the end of intermission?
USHER: About two more minutes I’d say?
THOUGHT 1: How many times have you seen t
he show?
USHER: More times than I care to count.
THOUGHT 1: Is this your full-time job?
USHER: Yes, ma’am.
THOUGHT 1: It probably doesn’t pay very much I would imagine, but you probably do it because you love the theater so much, right?
USHER: Uh-huh.
THOUGHT 1: Oh, I see. Well, what is your big New York City dream?
USHER: To be a musical theater writer.
THOUGHT 1: Really! A musical theater writer! How wonderful! My goodness! Musicals are just the most magical things, wouldn’t you say?
USHER: Magical or infuriating, depending on which side of it you’re on I suppose.
THOUGHT 1: Having a bit of writer’s block?
USHER: Something like that.
THOUGHT 1: Would it help to talk through it?
USHER: Huh. Well … it’s about a Black gay man writing a musical about a Black gay man who’s writing a musical about a Black gay man who’s writing a musical about a Black gay man, etc. And now I’ve gotten to the part of the story where he wants to share his artistic self with his parents which is weirdly harder than sharing his sexual self which he also skirts around because of how traumatic coming out was in the first place when he was seventeen and I keep feeling like he needs to confront them about all of it as one experience but I’m scared to write that because then I might have to do it in real life or maybe I’m scared to do that in real life because then I might have to write it? Does that make any sense or am I just being totally stupid?
THOUGHT 1: My, my. You’re certainly a radical young man aren’t you?
USHER: That’s what my mom always says.
THOUGHT 1: Well, since you asked, I don’t think you’re being totally stupid but I do think you might be overcomplicating.
USHER: How so?
A SYMPATHETIC EAR
THOUGHT 1:
I LIKE THIS AND I LIKE WICKED …
I COME UP EVERY YEAR TO SEE MY SHOWS
I’M FROM MIAMI BEACH
YOU KNOW, FROM FLORIDA
LIKE DOROTHY, BLANCHE, S’PHIA, AND ROSE
ALL MY LIFE I LIVED FOR OTHERS
MADE SPACE FOR EVERY DREAM EXCEPT MY OWN
BUT THEN ONE DAY I LOOKED INTO THE MIRROR
AND SAW THAT I WAS OLD AND ALL ALONE
SO MY ADVICE: DON’T PLAY NICE
DON’T LOOK BACK AND DON’T THINK TWICE
DON’T LET DOUBT GET IN THE WAY OF WHAT YOU WANT;
JUST ROLL THE DICE
STAY THE COURSE … SEIZE THE DAY
RIDE THE HORSE INTO THE FRAY
LIVE YOUR LIFE AND TELL YOUR STORY IN EXACTLY THE SAME WAY:
TRUTHFULLY AND WITHOUT FEAR!
DESPITE THOSE WHO WISH YOU WOULD DISAPPEAR
FIND JOY INSIDE YOUR LIFE WHILE YOU’RE STILL HERE
THAT’S YOUR CHALLENGE FROM A SYMPATHETIC EAR …
If you’re not scared to write the truth then it’s probably not worth writing. And if you’re not scared of living the truth then it’s probably not worth living. Do you understand?
USHER: I think so?
(A beat. Thought 1 exits. Usher makes a note.)
Usher calls home.
THOUGHT 6: My son! Well, look at that! You don’t hardly never call home!
USHER: I’m just calling for some love.
THOUGHT 6: Calling for some love, huh? Well, your mom’s not here.
USHER: I don’t have to talk to Mom; I can talk to you.
THOUGHT 6: Oh, okay. Well, what’s good, my son? Tell me about your personal life. You ain’t went and got AIDS, have you?
USHER: No, but play your cards right and maybe that’s what I’ll bring you home next Christmas.
THOUGHT 6: Okay, Mr. Comedian. But that A-word is real. Remember your cousin Darnell?
USHER: Dad, don’t talk about Darnell like that.
THOUGHT 6: I’m just saying. You keep living that lifestyle and God will punish you with that—
THOUGHT 2: MUFASAAAAA!!!
THOUGHT 6: Sarabi, goddamn! What the hell is wrong wit’ you?
THOUGHT 2: What’s wrong is yo’ grandbaby’s airheaded mama went in the church parking lot and spray-painted “see you next Tuesday” on my vee-hickle!!!!!
THOUGHT 6: “See you next Tuesday”?!?
THOUGHT 2: “See you next Tuesday”! “Cunt!”
THOUGHT 6: Sarabi, stop shouting and say hi to your baby boy while I go look at this damn car!
(Thought 6 exits.)
THOUGHT 2: Cunt, cunt, cunt! Lord, I’m so glad Nala cain’t read yet! But let me hush! How’s my chile? Any producers give you the hookup on your musical the-a-ter writings yet?
USHER: Not yet, Mom.
THOUGHT 2: That’s why you need to turn our babymamadrama into a reality show! ’Cause on top o’ everything else, Rafficki been going around tellin’ diff’rent people at church like that airheaded Marion that the only reason she even wound up pregnant wit’ Nala in the first place is ’cause Scar raped her!
THOUGHT 3: Ma! I ain’t rape nobody! And why you always gotta put somebody business out in the street!
THOUGHT 2: Scar, you live in our basement, don’t pay not one penny o’ rent, eat up all our food and ain’t paid chile support in six months so you ain’t got no business!
THOUGHT 3: At least I ain’t up in New York lettin’ no niggas give me AIDS! What y’all gon’ do when yo’ baby boy wind up wit’ AIDS like Darnell?!?
THOUGHT 6: Well, it’s right there on the side! “Cunt!” But I can get that painted over! Hey, Scar! Go ’n’ look at what yo’ babymama did to your mom’s vehicle!
THOUGHT 3 (As he exits): Maaaaan …
THOUGHT 2: Hey, Mufasa! Usher still cain’t get the hookup wit’ his musical the-a-ter writings!
THOUGHT 6: Hey Son, maybe you should write more like how Tyler Perry writes! Now that nigga knows how to write for the Blacks and make the money!
THOUGHT 2: Oh no! Usher too good for Black folks and money! And he don’t seem to get that God blessed Tyler and sent him to Earth to be our voice along with Barack!
(Usher opens his laptop and begins to write the scene.)
THOUGHT 3: Rafficki!
THOUGHT 1: Nigga, prove I spray-painted yo’ bitch-ass mama car!
THOUGHT 2: No cursing, no cursing!
THOUGHT 3: That’s why you ain’t never gettin’ this dick again!
THOUGHT 2: This is a house of the Lord(t)!
THOUGHT 1: Maybe if you wadn’t layin’ up in the bed wit’ all kinda women and put a ring on my finger, you—
THOUGHT 2:
THOUGHT 3:
Would you bring me some Popeyes, Mufasa?
Bitch, I lay up in the bed wit’ who I want!
THOUGHT 6:
THOUGHT 1:
It’s in the kitchen on the stove! You got legs!
Nigga, we have a chiiiiile together and this is how you want her to see our family?
THOUGHT 2:
THOUGHT 3:
Mufasa, would you be nice and go in the kitchen and put some Popeyes on a plate with a biscuit for your wife please?!?
We ain’t never gon’ be a family, you toxic-ass chickenhead trick!
THOUGHT 2: Usher! You writin’ all this down? This our babymamadrama reality show!
THOUGHT 6: I’m gone upstairs! Y’all niggas give me a headache!
THOUGHT 2: Them beers giving you the headache! And what you gone upstairs for? I ain’t got through tellin’ Usher how Scar “raped” Rafficki!
THOUGHT 6: Usher, do you think Scar raped Rafficki?!?!?
THOUGHT 2: Did I say that Scar raped Rafficki?!?!?
THOUGHT 6: Yeah, you said Scar raped Rafficki!!!!
THOUGHT 2: Naw, I ain’t!
THOUGHT 6: Yes, you did!
THOUGHT 2: Naw, I ain’t!!!!
THOUGHT 6: Sarabi, yes you did!!!!
THOUGHT 2: I ain’t say that Scar raped Rafficki; I said that Rafficki said that Scar raped—
USHER: Oh, what diffe
rence does it make? What the fuck diff—
THOUGHT 2: Who the “f” is you, Negro? Sittin’ up there cussin’ and carryin’ on, actin’ like you ain’t got no good home trainin’ wit’ yo’ musical the-A-ter writings and Doodoo Bank Student Loans callin’ MY house in the middle of da night lookin’ for money for YO’ Black butt and you cain’t even get Toya to get rid o’ her huzzzband and have a baby for you ’cause you too busy sittin’ up there in the homosexsh’alities and prob’ly hidin’ that you got AIDS from everybody like Darnell was.
(A screeching atomic explosion of a tantrum; separate claps on “still,” “ain’t,” “got,” “my,” “gospel”:)
AND I STILL. AIN’T. GOT MY GOSPEL PLAYYYYYYYYYYYY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
(A pause; composes herself; an eerily low voice; the final TKO:)
But that’s not what’s important in this household. What’s important is (All her venom turns to Mufasa) for YO’ DAAAAD to come be-boppin’ in here tellin’ me that I said Scar raped Rafficki when I KNOW what I said was, was that Rafficki(!!!) said that Scar raped Rafficki.
(Silence.)
THOUGHT 1: Dayum. Listening to this bitch run her mouf done got my pussy to poppin’ sumpin’ crazy! You ready to go down in dat basement and get you some?
THOUGHT 3: Yeah, bitch, c’mon.
(Thoughts 1 and 3 exit.)
THOUGHT 6: Here’s your got-damn Popeyes.
THOUGHT 2: It’s not warm. And would you bring me some hot sauce outta the kitchen please? Since you ain’t feel like gettin’ me spicy Popeyes like I ast you?
THOUGHT 6: Hey, Sarabi?
THOUGHT 2: What.
THOUGHT 6: See you next Tuesday.
THOUGHT 2: Usher, let me call you back.
(No response; looking around) Hello? Hello? Usher? Usher! Usherrrrrrr!!!!!
(Usher takes out his chimes.)
THOUGHT 4: Hi, Usher, it’s Mom. Guess who died? You don’t have to call me back unless you wanna know who it is. Bye!
(Usher chimes and then:)
THOUGHT 2: Usher! It’s your Daily Self-Loathing here! Don’t forget how fat and ugly you are! Of course Darnell was pretty and he still died of AIDS so good luck, sis.
(Usher chimes and then:)
THOUGHT 3: Usher, Agent Fairweather. Any updates on a draft of Show Me How to Pray?
(Usher chimes and then:)
THOUGHT 1: Usher, as supervisor of your sexual ambivalence I’m fighting as valiantly as I can but I don’t know how much longer we can protect your precious butthole from the colonizers!
A Strange Loop Page 4
