Quantum Cheeseburger

by Jeremy Michelson

  I tried to sit up. Only to find that I was strapped down. Suddenly I was very, very awake. I was on a refrigerated autopsy table like the one at Area 53. Also, I was stark naked.

  “Are you ready?” the Blinky asks.

  "Hell no, I'm not ready!" I shouted.

  “I’m not talking to you,” the Blinky said.

  I realized his piss yellow eye stared at something else. I turned my head. Standing off to the side was a motley collection of observers.

  General Mattany stood closest, six foot two and jaw like a hunk of granite. He didn’t look happy, his delicate hands clasped behind his back. He was probably still mad about his broken finger. Maybe about the hoverjets I trashed, too. And the Dendon thing, also.

  “Get on with it,” Mattany said to the Blinky

  Behind him was the traitorous Dr. Kincaid. He was his usual scruffy self in a soiled lab coat. His shoulders were slumped. He rubbed at the uneven fuzz on his cheek. Next to him was Julie. Beautiful as always. Dressed in a black, one-piece coverall. Gnawing on her thumbnail. Her eyes met mine for a moment, then flitted away. It was her perfume I smelled. The familiar lavender scent.

  A short distance away was a Stickman. Too tall with arms that ended in too many fingers. His cinnamon scent mixed in with the riot of other odors in the room. The cord and fibers of his body slid over each other, squeaking and rasping. I guessed it was Azor. Probably still upset I trashed his ship.

  The Blinky revved up the bone saw and moved it toward my chest.

  “Wait!” I cry, “Is it too late to apologize? Because I’m really sorry.”

  The Blinky lowered the screaming blade toward my hairy chest. Hot air blasted from its housing and tickled my skin.

  I need a shield!

  The Dendon device didn’t answer.

  I felt drained of energy. My empty stomach growled and gave a painful twist. I couldn’t call on my super strength or anything else.

  The blade touched my skin. My blood spattered the Blinky’s white coat.

  I screamed in fear and pain.

  That’s right about when things started exploding.

  A huge blast of orange flame billowed behind Mattany and the others. Pieces of debris showered them as they ducked down.

  The Blinky spun around, bone saw still in his scaly hand. A blast of light touched the saw and it exploded. The Blinky screamed and fell, clutching his hand.

  A golden figure emerged from the smoke and flames.

  Liz.

  She came to me, armored feet clanging on the concrete floor. She ripped the restraints off me and took me up in her arms.

  Something banged off her back. She turned. Mattany stood there with a crowbar in his hand. He had a wild look on his face.

  “Put him down! Now!” he shouted.

  “Really?” Liz said, “A crowbar?”

  She took a step toward him. He backed away. So did the rest of them. Except for Azor. He came toward us.

  Liz raised an arm at him. The bump on her forearm rippled. “Don’t come any closer,” she said. “I’ll torch you like a bundle of twigs.”

  “Human, you must not take the device,” Azor said, “There is great danger in it.”

  “Put me down,” I said.

  Her golden head shifted toward me. “What?”

  “Put me down. We need to talk to them,” I said.

  “Human. Please return to the table so we may extract the device from your body,” Azor said.

  “No thanks,” I said, “I don’t like your extraction methods.”

  Liz set me on my feet. The concrete was warm. It felt good after being on the freezing table. My legs wobbled. Threatened to collapse under me. My stomach gave a pitiful growl.

  The acrid smoke slowly cleared. There was a ragged hole in the wall. Space marines in silver armor peered in, weapons raised.

  “Sir?” one of the called.

  “Tell them to stand down,” I told Mattany.

  “I give the orders around here, not you,” Mattany said.

  I noticed the index finger of his left hand was still taped up with a thick bandage. A memento of our first meeting.

  “Fine, give the order then,” I said, “Or my golden friend here will level this entire place.”

  “I can do it, too,” Liz said.

  Mattany looked to Azor.

  “The Dendon armor is very powerful,” Azor said, “Only the Dons have created armor of comparable strength.”

  Mattany turned to the marines. “Fall back! Keep this building locked down!” he shouted.

  The marines withdrew from the opening. They didn’t go far, I was sure. I leaned against Liz. She still held her arm out, pointed at Azor. The Stickman didn’t retreat, but neither did he get any closer.

  “Does anyone have anything to eat?” I asked, “I’m starving.”

  “Do not give the human food,” Azor said, “It will only strengthen the Dendon device.”

  My eyes went to Julie. She still gnawed at her thumb. Seeing her and Mattany together, the family resemblance was strong. The shared the same delicate hands, the same icy blue eyes. Fortunately she didn’t get his granite jaw.

  “What happened?” I asked, “How did I end up here?”

  Her face screwed up in disgust. “You’re stupid and useless,” she said.

  That wasn’t quite what I asked. Liz swung her arm at Julie. The bump on her forearm rippled.

  “You might want to rephrase that, bitch,” Liz said, “He saved your skanky ass.”

  “We’re all dead anyway, thanks to him,” Julie said.

  I gave her a hard stare. “Do they know what’s going to happen?” I asked.

  She looked away, teeth working her thumbnail.

  “Know what?” Mattany asked, “What’s going to happen?”

  I turned to Kincaid. He rubbed his cheeks with both hands, his eyes faraway and unfocused.

  “How about you, doc?” I asked. “Did you have any clue what Bey Jodo was going to do?”

  “Bey Jodo!”

  I turned around. The Blinky was back on his stumpy feet. Green liquid oozed around his fingers where he clutched his other arm.

  “You know Bey Jodo?” I asked.

  “Bey Jodo is known by SixUnion,” Azor said, “He is a prince of the Don royals. He is known to enforce the will of the Don royal family.”

  “He is much feared,” the Binky said, “His ruthlessness and cruelty are whispered throughout the galaxy.”

  I nodded. “Yeah, that sounds like him.”

  “Why do you speak of him, human?” Azor asked, “Bey Jodo has not been on Earth. He could not have passed through the blockade.”

  My stomach growled and twisted painfully. “Does anyone have a freaking granola bar or something, for Gods sakes?”

  “Do not feed the human!” Azor screeched, “It is dangerous.”

  No one moved to get me anything. I would have even eaten some of those unholy burger in a bag meals like we found on the Grum. I leaned back against Liz. I was dizzy from hunger and fatigue. When was the last time I’d slept?

  “Mattany. Go tell your marines to bring me some food,” I said.

  His lip curled. “Go get it yourself,” he said.

  Light flashed. A beam sizzled through the air and exploded the concrete in front of Mattany. He stumbled back, eyes wide.

  “Do as he told you,” Liz said, “Or I’ll fry you up and feed you to him myself.”

  He considered it for a moment. Either that or he was trying to make laser beams come out of his eyes, the way he stared at her. It didn’t work. He turned to the blasted, still smoking opening and called for some food to be brought in.

  “You are making an error, human,” Azor said.

  “Shut up, kindling man,” Liz said, “Nobody likes you anyway.”

  Azor huddled into himself, his fibers squeaking and rasping.

  I lowered myself to the concrete. It was pleasantly warm. I leaned against Liz’s armored legs and stared at Azor.

 
; “Your blockade isn’t worth crap, Azor,” I said, “Not only did Bey Jodo get through it, he’s been on earth busily manipulating the situation. He compromised Julie and Dr. Kincaid here, among others.”

  Mattany looked at his daughter, his jaw clenched. She wouldn’t meet his eyes. She was going to run out of thumbnail, the way she was going at it. I had to wonder at their relationship. Had she been raised a military brat? From what the goon said, at some point she turned into a mercenary. Did daddy know any of that?

  “They concocted a plan to turn me into a bomb,” I said, “Apparently as some sort of distraction so Julie and her husband could steal the Dendon device. They were doing this with Dr. Kincaid’s cooperation.”

  “That’s not true,” Kincaid said, “I didn’t know anything about this. This man is obviously out of his fucking mind. Where’s his fucking proof? I was kidnapped. Everything that happened was against my fucking will.”

  I shook my head. “You’re too late, Doc,” I said, “I found the Don communicator in your house.”

  Kincaid’s eyes went wide and his face flushed red.

  “I’m sure Azor can identify it as Don origin,” I said, “Well, the pieces of it anyway.”

  “Bey Jodo can not have been on this world,” Azor said, “Our blockade is complete. There is nothing able to pass it.”

  I sighed. Was it arrogance or just stupidity? “Anyway, after much mayhem, death and destruction, I ended up letting myself get captured by Julie the commando here. They took me to Bey Jodo’s ship.”

  “Not possible,” Azor said.

  “Not only possible, but Bey Jodo was in the process of leaving Earth when I broke out of his containment field. I was about to take control of his ship when he blew the hanger bay and spaced us all. Who rescued us by the way?”

  “Our vessel did,” the Blinky said, “An anomaly was detected and my crew was closest to it. They found your primitive ground vehicle, and three humans experiencing decompression. Moments more and you would have perished.”

  “Thanks, I appreciate it.” I said, “Though the part where you brought me back here and tried to dissect me, I’m not okay with that.”

  “The Dendon device must be removed,” the Blinky said, “It is very dangerous.”

  “Right, you all keep telling me that,” I said, “let’s move on to another subject for the moment. Like the fact that Bey Jodo has threatened to drop a bomb full of flesh eating makers on my planet.”

  “What!” Mattany cried. He whirled to face the Blinky. “What do you know about this!”

  The Blinky shivered. “I am sure the human is mistaken. Such weapons are outlawed by treaty. There would be severe penalties against a culture that used that weapon.”

  “Sure, like how the Dons got punished for dropping one on the Dendon home world?” I asked.

  The Blinky turned away. “There was no proof.”

  I bet there was proof. But the Dons either bribed or threatened their way out of whatever ‘penalties’ SixUnion would have imposed.

  Mattany came up to me. Or came closer to me. Liz raised her golden arm at him and he stopped a few feet away.

  “Are you certain of this?” he asked.

  I nodded at Julie. “Ask your daughter, she’s been having funky alien sex with him.”

  Mattany’s face went fire engine red. He turned to her.

  “Julie. Tell me this isn’t true, soldier,” he said.

  Her face screwed up in pure hate. “Go to hell, daddy,” she said.

  So, not a warm family relationship. Not really a surprise. They were probably too much alike. Both pig-headed warriors who'd rather kill something than talk to it.

  “It’s possible,” Kincaid said. His face was ashen. “Likely even. Bey Jodo’s a mean son of a bitch.”

  I shook my head. “He’s more of a calculating son of a bitch,” I said, “All he has to do is drop the bomb, wait for the the makers to eat my flesh off, then swoop in and get the Dendon device.”

  “This is not possible,” Azor said, “Our perimeter can not be broken. If such a device were launched, it would be detected and intercepted immediately. It is not possible to stealth such a device. It would require a huge power source.”

  That caught my attention. I remembered my brief connection to Bey Jodo’s ship. The tremendous energies at its heart that I tapped into.

  “Is what he’s saying true?” I said to the Blinky, “Does it really require a big source of power to create a stealth field.”

  The Blinky wavered, all three of its eyes looking in different directions. “I am not an engineer,” he said, “But that is my understanding. We do not use stealthing technology ourselves. It is very expensive to maintain and operate.”

  Azor rustled toward us. “Stealthing fields can only be maintained by a tremendous output of power. Only very wealthy governments and individuals can afford them.”

  I arched an eyebrow. “Such as Dons?” I asked.

  Azor and the Blinky didn’t answer. It didn’t matter. I had a slim, infinitesimal glimmer of hope.

  A soldier in desert tan fatigues walked up to Mattany. He had a tray in his hand.

  “Sir? Where should I put this?” he asked.

  “Here!” I shouted, “Bring it here!”

  Mattany nodded to the soldier and he set it beside me. My eyes locked on the tray. Cheeseburgers. Why was everything coming up cheeseburgers? These were pathetic small patties, with half crushed buns and plastic-looking cheese. I grabbed two and stuffed an entire one in my mouth.

  "Bring me more," I said, my mouth full of burger, "And bring me some god damned fries and a Coke while you're at it. And some pizza. And some burritos. Bring me a damned eight-course meal if you have one!"

  The soldier backed away.

  “Do it,” Mattany said.

  The soldier turned and rushed away.

  “It is not advisable to feed the human,” Azor said.

  “Shut the fuck up, Azor,” I said.

  I was getting quite the potty mouth. I stuffed two more cheeseburgers in my mouth. They hit the empty pit of my stomach and sizzled away in seconds. When this was all over, Liz and I needed to go out to a nice restaurant and have a decent meal. Assuming all life on Earth hadn’t been extinguished.

  When I polished off the tray of burgers I stood up and locked eyes with Kincaid, then Mattany.

  "Ok, kids, I think there may be time to save the world yet."

  Seventy-Four

  The Blinky, Pejk, was very reluctant to let us use his ship. In fact, he was adamant about it. We stood on the hot tarmac outside the big hanger at Area 53. Hidden under camouflage netting was a lumpy beast of a starship. Dry wind blew over us. Liz stood next to me, still clad in her golden armor. A very unhappy looking Julie stood off to the side. The goon stood next to me. He gave me a wink and a grin. General Mattany was a little farther off behind them. Dr. Kincaid was next to him, eyes downcast. I wondered where Amber had gone.

  “My vessel does not contain armaments,” Pejk said, “It is very slow. I’m sure the seats would be very uncomfortable to your human forms. A Stickman ship would be much better for you. Very fast. Safe. Weapons come standard with it.”

  Mattany had some clothing brought for me, so I wasn’t wandering around naked. The pants were too loose and the shirt was too tight. I think he did that on purpose. I turned my face to the dry wind. It brought a scent of gypsum with it. The base was near White Sands.

  I shook my head at Pejk. “We won’t get anywhere near Bey Jodo’s ship with a Stickman ship. He’ll probably shoot first and not bother to ask questions.”

  “But my vessel has great sentimental value,” Pejk said, “It knows the way home.”

  “Well, if you guys had shared some technology with us backwards humans, then we’d have our own space ships and we wouldn’t have to borrow yours, now would we?” I said.

  “He’s got a point,” Mattany said.

  A miracle. I’d said something he could actually agree with.

&nb
sp; Then he said: “This is still a stupid, cockamamie plan, though.”

  Ah well. I’d take what I could get.

  The Stickman, Azor, approached us, the fibers of his legs clicking and skittering on the concrete. He seemed to be having a hard time holding his biped form together. The slithering rods and fibers that made up his body kept falling out of alignment. It made him blurry.

  “I do not wish to participate in this plan,” Azor said, “Traveling with the infected human is very dangerous.” He extended a fibrous arm at Mattany. “You should not have fed him.”

  “Sorry Azor,” I said, “I need you to pilot this thing.”

  The Blinky pilots had refused to take their ship after the Don. They seemed to consider it a suicide mission. I didn’t disagree with them. The odds weren’t in our favor. We had a bulky, underpowered, underweaponed ship, going up against a state of the art Don corsair.

  In a straight battle, we were dead. I imagined Bey Jodo sitting in an opulent, jewel encrusted control room, sipping exotic liquor. He’d push a single button, then laugh as his weapons blasted the Blinky ship–and us–into crispy atoms.

  Fortunately for us, we weren’t going to attack him. We wouldn’t be able to find him. We would have to convince him to come to us.

  “I still do not believe Bey Jodo the Don is here,” Azor said, “Our blockade–”

  I remembered someone saying Bey Jodo couldn’t move his ship out of a certain range. He had a very small path to operate in.

  I held up my hand. “Azor, is it possible for a stealthed ship to find a narrow path through your precious blockade?”

  Azor was silent for a long time. “The possibility does exist,” he said at last, “Our sensor drones overlap, but there may be areas where the sensors are shadowed by natural bodies. A stealthed ship with an excellent pilot could, perhaps, get through the blockade. But it would be nearly impossible.”

  But not impossible. And probably not as difficult as Azor thought it would be.

  “Bey Jodo is out there,” I said, “And I think the only reason he hasn’t dropped the maker bomb yet is because he’s working on disabling your blockade. I’m betting he only has one shot at using those makers, right?”